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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 29/03/2022 13:02

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do

yes but you are married.

This is the OP's boyfriend casually offering her property to someone else to use.

I think it would be a nice thing to do for DP's kids and their mother, and show you as a mature and kind woman who doesn't necessarily conform to how mn think you need to view, and treat, ex wives

This might apply if the OP lets other people use it. But she said she doesn't.

Maybe you should take in a Ukrainian refugee family OP, you'd have a good excuse not to let her use it then.

Sally872 · 29/03/2022 13:02

I would only let ex wife use it (if we were friendly) and if it was regularly let out to strangers to generate income, so used to people using it and nothing special in it.

What you have described sounds like a second home, and would be more like allowing her to live in your own house so I definitely wouldn't.

Also if you do decide to let anyone else benefit from a free holiday i am aure you have your own family and friends who would be first to benefit.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 13:03

Why is anyone assuming the OP has met her? Confused

yellowsuninthesky · 29/03/2022 13:03

Oh sorry I missed that you do let friends and family go there. Still, presumably they are your friends and family. So I think the same point applies.

BoodleBug51 · 29/03/2022 13:04

The fact that the ex thinks that he's landed on his feet meeting you would imply to me that you're funding a lot of this relationship .......

I do hope you're very well protected legally as to what are your assets.

Darkstar4855 · 29/03/2022 13:04

YABU to have a second home when there’s a housing crisis.

YANBU to not let the ex use it.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 29/03/2022 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 29/03/2022 13:11

Erm that would be a no from me! Please don't allow yourself to be pushed into this, it might alter the way you feel about your place & you've worked so hard.
Enjoy your holiday home & make some lovely memories with all the kids & you.

dworky · 29/03/2022 13:11

Unless I couldn't trust her, I'd allow it for the childrens sake.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2022 13:12

@lifelast

Why? The OP doesn't owe her partner's ex anything at all. Should she lend her her car? Favourite shoes? Where does it stop?

I was talking about what I would do. But to answer your points.
Sometimes you don't do things because you 'owe' someone - what a miserable transactional world would that be if we all lived like that - but because you want to, to given benefit or support to someone else out.

I see it as not impacting me to let her into a home I am not using at that moment, whereas I do see it as being a huge benefit to her and her children. You used to be able to get holidays from social work if you were living in deprivation, and I think that was brilliant. Some charities still provide holidays in recognition of how important they can be for families. So I see it like that, no cost to me but important benefit to her.

The comparisons to shoes and cars are a bit vacuous to be honest.

So, the OP goes to Wales. Does the Ex-W stay in the OP's house? Or the ex-husbands?

You might think it's vacuous. I think it's unreasonable

it's not a holiday let. The OP will have her own stuff there.

No way.

Beamur · 29/03/2022 13:16

Personally the rule of thumb for me and the (very few!) friends I have with holiday homes is to wait for an invitation. Never ask.
DH's ex wifes husband had a holiday static caravan somewhere DH and I like, I would never have dreamt of asking to use it.

user1471538283 · 29/03/2022 13:20

Loving the "we" from your DP! It's easy to offer something that isnt his and it does sound like he is enjoying your funding.

I would put him straight. It is yours!

oioimatey · 29/03/2022 13:25

@SirChenjins

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us

I'm with this team. Unless she's an absolutely horror then I really wouldn't have an issue with it.

I'm with this team, too.
VeganCow · 29/03/2022 13:25

I wouldn't care that she's asked-it would be no, the kids come with us.

Your bigger problem is his nerve- firstly it's not 'we' amd secondly he should have told ex an emphatic no from the off

LBFseBrom · 29/03/2022 13:26

Up to you, Stupiefied, it's your house. I probably would let her and the children stay there for a couple of weeks as she cannot afford a holiday but this is not my decision.

RewildingAmbridge · 29/03/2022 13:26

No this is a second home, if you had somewhere you let as an air BnB you could do her discount rates or if you had a cancellation offer her the place with the DC so they get a holiday, but this is for your sole use with invited guests only. She should've dismissed it when the child suggested it, so should you partner have.

GandTfortea · 29/03/2022 13:28

Don’t be rediculous,don’t even consider it
Dp has no right expecting you to

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 29/03/2022 13:31

@Mamiddaubach

YABU to have a second home.
I totally agree with this. Houses in my town have been snapped up left right and centre by second home owners, air bnb and people moving down from London. It’s pushed up both house and rental prices so locals have been priced out. No doubt when loads of people lose their homes when they can’t afford their energy bills anymore many of their homes will be snapped up by second home owners abs buy 2 let / air bnb investors as well.
milkyaqua · 29/03/2022 13:34

@Bookworm20

According to your post though, she hasn't actually asked to use it! So every calling her a CF, entitled and everything else under the sun are totally jumping the gun here.

She probably hasn't asked to use it because she doesn't want to come across as a CF!
She mentioned she knows about it and would love to see it. thats it. Isn't that what anyone would say if they knew you had a holiday home. its called making conversation. And the dc have been there! Of course they are going to talk about it. Of course she knows about it.

A 7 year old piping up perhaps mum can take us to the wales house is absolutely NOT the same thing as the exw asking you if she can take the dc there.

Hell, last summer my 7 year old suggested his dad could come live with us (when I moved in with DP). He thought it would be nice. Kids say all sorts of crap without thinking, they just say what they think would be a good idea!

Did you not read this bit:

DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday.

Hertsgirl10 · 29/03/2022 13:34

I wouldn’t be so dramatic to say it would be tainted by her staying there but I wouldn’t say yes to that and why does he feel guilty? Does he pay maintenance? Might he help her towards a small holiday with his kids so she can take them away?
Why would she want to stay at your place it’s not even his!

PearPickingPorky · 29/03/2022 13:38

Do you let your DP's other friends stay in your other home?

Bluebluemoon · 29/03/2022 13:41

No, YANBU to say it's not something you're comfortable with.

I think all the vitriol and "ooh, she'll be going through your drawers" comments are well out of order though.

Maybe the ex just has no money to take her dc's away and thought she'd ask? No need for all the nastiness.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/03/2022 13:42

No way! That’s so far over the line.

I have children with an ex and no way would ask to use a house of his, still less that was bought solely by a new (as in subsequent) partner.

I wouldn’t want to! It’s a bit too personal. Better than he gives her some money for a cheap and cheerful holiday than lends her the house imo.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/03/2022 13:42

If he wants to do something for her, not that he’s obliged to.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/03/2022 13:45

Your bigger problem is his nerve- firstly it's not 'we' amd secondly he should have told ex an emphatic no from the off

I agree with this too. It’s not “we”.

He’s free to help her out with his own funds, not with your holiday home, if he feels guilty.

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