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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 29/03/2022 19:49

If he feels guilty he can contribute towards a holiday for her and his kids

TatianaBis · 29/03/2022 19:59

@DontBlameMe79

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read this week

Well, try reading your own posts.

In some relationships it could work ok; in others it would be a nightmare. It's OP's house, it's OP's life. If she's not comfortable ex-wife there that's up to her. Not you. Not her DP. Neither of whom own the house.

Hair345 · 29/03/2022 20:00

It would definitely be a no from me. I have a holiday home in Spain which I go to with my husband and SC. I don't even mind his ex that much but I'd say no if she asked to go (and she never would).

billy1966 · 29/03/2022 20:07

It is amazing how generous a certain type can be with the time, energy, services, property of others....

So generous.....when it costs them NOTHING to be the big person offering up something that isn't theirs, yet they feel is within their gift🙄.

Definitely a certain type that does this.

Surgarblossom · 29/03/2022 20:32

No, no, no!

vipersnest1 · 29/03/2022 21:10

This reads to me like a dog wanting to piss on another's territory. (Sorry to any that are offended by the analogy).
Don't let it happen, @Stupified.

urbanbuddha · 29/03/2022 22:24

@billy1966

It is amazing how generous a certain type can be with the time, energy, services, property of others....

So generous.....when it costs them NOTHING to be the big person offering up something that isn't theirs, yet they feel is within their gift🙄.

Definitely a certain type that does this.

Don't think I'm a "certain type". My response is informed by my aunt's way of dealing with her holiday home. She rents it out at a market rent when it's not in use but friends and family can have it at "mates rates" which just cover the cost of cleaning, a contribution towards council tax and wood for the fire. Better that the house is occupied with people contributing to the local economy than lying empty.
DontBlameMe79 · 29/03/2022 23:55

@Duchess379

So, by your reckoning, because Op has a holiday home that isn't Buckingham palace, that she should let the ex holiday there, sleep in her bed & have an opportunity to go through her personal stuff, because it's only a holiday home & she should be generous to the less fortunate ex?! *mindblown
Yes that’s about the size of it. I can recommend this approach to life rather than the grabbiness displayed on this thread by most posters.
DontBlameMe79 · 29/03/2022 23:58

@agent765

Just wondering what the insurance situation would be if something happened.

It would be a no from me. She's an ex for a reason. He should remember that.

There’s always someone who brings up insurance…
DontBlameMe79 · 30/03/2022 00:10

[quote TatianaBis]@DontBlameMe79

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read this week

Well, try reading your own posts.

In some relationships it could work ok; in others it would be a nightmare. It's OP's house, it's OP's life. If she's not comfortable ex-wife there that's up to her. Not you. Not her DP. Neither of whom own the house.[/quote]
Did IQs suddenly drop yesterday or something? I’ll try to explain.

OP is in a relationship with DP, therefore she empathises that he is feeling guilty about not offering house to ex. Having empathy with your partner is part of being in a relationship.

Whether DP feeling guilty is justified or not is a different matter. The consensus here is it’s not, supposedly because she will likely take advantage/steal the cutlery/burn the place down/piss in the bed or whatever other outrage they can come up with in their heads. The real reason of course is because “she’s the ex”. And they’re evil by definition.

Volhhg · 30/03/2022 00:30

You are rich, you own two houses. I wouldn't assume she wants to go to the house from those comments. I would assume she was just being positive with her kids by showing an interest. I'm not in a family set up like this but I have friends who are in a similar position and have shared things like this for the sake of good relations, personally I'm really impressed with their attitude.

LBFseBrom · 30/03/2022 00:39

@billy1966

It is amazing how generous a certain type can be with the time, energy, services, property of others....

So generous.....when it costs them NOTHING to be the big person offering up something that isn't theirs, yet they feel is within their gift🙄.

Definitely a certain type that does this.

Some people would be generous with their own property too, billy. I wouldn't be worried about husband's ex (if he'd had one), or mine or a friend, going there for a break, unless there was bad blood between us. However the op doesn't feel happy about it and it's her house so her choice. She knows the situation, we don't.
TatianaBis · 30/03/2022 00:40

@DontBlameMe79

I’m not the one who has to worry about IQ.

As I said, lending a house to an ex can work ok in some relationships; in others it would not. Depends on the situation, the characters involved. OP doesn’t feel comfortable, it’s her house.

Feeling empathy with someone who is feeling guilty about not lending something that doesn’t belong to him is hilarious. And by that reckoning DP should be empathising with OP not feeling comfortable with it.

DontBlameMe79 · 30/03/2022 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WeasilyPleased · 30/03/2022 02:07

Tell her to piss right off CF.

BorderlineHappy · 30/03/2022 08:42

The cynic in me thinks they got the 7 year old to ask,so you'd find it harder to say no.

Noisyprat · 30/03/2022 09:03

Your DP's first reaction should have been 'no, it's not me house'. Why didn't he want to say 'no' to his ex? He can now go back and say 'Stupifued' says 'no, nothing I can do', he gets off and you then look like the bad guy (but obvs your not).

I hope you are not thinking of marrying this man.

NdefH81 · 30/03/2022 09:09

This thread should be in relationships
And the title should be

“My DP is a spineless fool when it comes to his ex”

THEDEACON · 30/03/2022 17:47

That would be a No. absolutely not No fucking way and over my cold dead body if I were you !

Carpedimum · 30/03/2022 18:04

Not a snowball’s chance in hell!

toxic44 · 30/03/2022 18:22

I took a small cottage as a holiday home. Hadn't had it two weeks when DP's elder brother asked me for a set of keys for him and wife and second set for their grown up kids so they could go at weekends. He got really snotty when I refused and he made DP feel like rotten about it. My place, my choice. Just say No. No excuses, no apologies, no fibs. Just No.

Rightsraptor · 30/03/2022 18:41

No no no no.. just no.

The child probably has little or no idea of the dynamics here: he just thinks he has fun there so his mum would too. But she's trying to wheedle her way in. Don't let her. If your man is starting on it too, it's maybe an indicator of his guilt/bad feelings that his ex can't afford a holiday etc. Not your problem. Do not fall for it.

wentworthinmate · 30/03/2022 18:52

@maddening

Dp can rent an air bnb for his ex if he feels so way inclined.
Exactly this! Rent an Air BnB as near to Wales house as poss!
pinkpantherpink · 30/03/2022 19:01

Presume you don't let it as a holiday let or air bnb...

She's a CF and is after a freebie. I can't imagine what's going on in her head though, wanting to use her ex's partners house for a holiday. Weird

Pinkfluff76 · 30/03/2022 20:52

Holy fuck no ways OP!!