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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:35

@SprayedWithDettol I hadn’t even thought of this! Ew!

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 29/03/2022 10:36

Na no way, that's your house. She may as well ask to come and stay in your normal house whenever you go on holiday!

Clymene · 29/03/2022 10:36

'We' let her? You don't live together, your house belongs to you!

Cheeky sod.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 10:38

I'm assuming that the 7 year old is the one who piped up about mummy taking them? At that point, daddy should have said that the wales house belongs to Sally and it's very kind of her to let us visit but she is daddy's friend, not mummy's.

tkwal · 29/03/2022 10:38

It was bought and improved with your inheritance
Do you let it out for use by others as a holiday home ?
If you do then let it to her with a discounted price. If not then stick to your guns . Good luck

Original poster
Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:41

@Clymene great wording - will pass that on, thank you! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:43

@tkwal I do let very close friends and certain family members go there from time to time, but they don’t use my bedroom, etc and I trust them to respect my privacy.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 10:46

Big fat no from me.

tempester28 · 29/03/2022 10:48

I might consider it for the sake of a good relationship with the kids but equally wouldn't blame you for saying no.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 10:48

[quote Stupified]@Clymene great wording - will pass that on, thank you! Smile[/quote]
You're welcome Smile

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/03/2022 10:49

I agree with everyone else, it would be too weird and uncomfortable. Different if you were letting it out commercially and would be giving her a cheap deal (even then it would be cheeky of her to ask). But this isn't a financial thing it's personal as it would be like her staying in your home. I think just explain that it's your home not a holiday let and you aren't letting anyone else stay there. Nothing to feel bad about. Your DP could give her some money to book somewhere for a holiday, that would be a kind gesture

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 29/03/2022 10:49

Does your boyfriend (you dont live together; he a boyfriend) think he has some sort of claim to that house?

He seems to see it as a joint thing. If you split up, would he think he should get a payout from that house?

It is your house. Not his. Not "ours". It is yours.

HardyBuckette · 29/03/2022 10:51

If you're happy for your partner to bring his DC to visit and enjoy the place, you've been more than reasonable.

Ellie56 · 29/03/2022 10:51

Yes, what's this "we" business when it's your house? Hmm

And no, she shouldn't be allowed to go. She's nothing to you.

BorderlineHappy · 29/03/2022 10:53

Does your bf have a key to the Wales house.
I'd be wary of her just getting the kids to show her where it is.
And guilty bf giving her a key.

Alwayspaintyournails · 29/03/2022 10:53

@Clymene’s response is good.
Your DP needs to shut down this chat right away and respect you more.

Crunchymum · 29/03/2022 10:54

So you don't live together, other than at this second house?

Bit of an odd set up - how often are you there? Why don't you live together all of the time?

GrendelsGrandma · 29/03/2022 11:00

I think you're unreasonable to have a house you barely live in, tbh.

L0bstersLass · 29/03/2022 11:01

@Crunchymum

So you don't live together, other than at this second house?

Bit of an odd set up - how often are you there? Why don't you live together all of the time?

Pure nosiness. Irrelevant to the thread. None of your business.
MarinoRoyale · 29/03/2022 11:02

@Stupified

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement. About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually. DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?
I’d be pointing out its not a “we should let her” conversation as it’s not his house to ponder who should have access to it!
grapewines · 29/03/2022 11:02

@maddening

Dp can rent an air bnb for his ex if he feels so way inclined.
Yes, this.

It's your house. Not a chance.

HELLITHURT · 29/03/2022 11:06

No way!

JingsMahBucket · 29/03/2022 11:07

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish
Does your boyfriend (you dont live together; he a boyfriend) think he has some sort of claim to that house?

That’s bullshit. They’ve been together 4 years. That’s not your place to define her relationship.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2022 11:07

All of the children come there with us regularly, so it’s a place for us all to be together, and I do want them to feel comfortable and at home there - but feel like it would be a step too far for their mum to take them there

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me - and using it for everyone to be together sounds lovely

But "everyone" doesn't usually include an ex, and quite frankly that's what I'd tell her if she continues to be a CF. Maybe she thinks he's "fallen on his feet" and maybe she doesn't, but that's really not your problem, especially as you're not living together

If you plan on doing so at some point I would, however, take this as an advance warning of what she'd expect from you and what DP's attitude's likely to be

JingsMahBucket · 29/03/2022 11:08

@L0bstersLass yes, complete and utter nosiness. You don’t have to answer those questions @Stupified.