AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

[Stupified]

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

@purpleboy

Clymene if I knew you then I would have no problem with it at all. We live in a beautiful area, and often have friends and family stay in our house when we go abroad. My exh now exw often came to my house to use the pool when we weren't there or on holiday with her kids, we weren't great friends but her child was my DDs sister so we just got on with it. His family also stay in our house abroad. It's great they can get a cheap holiday out of it, and we've never had any problems with them.

I'm really confused by who is who in this!

For all any of us know, she's not even met the ex wife. I was in a 5 year relationship with someone with kids and never met their ex. Why would I? We didn't live together.

Nope. No no no no no.

NO.

@Bookworm20

According to your post though, she hasn't actually asked to use it! So every calling her a CF, entitled and everything else under the sun are totally jumping the gun here.

She probably hasn't asked to use it because she doesn't want to come across as a CF!
She mentioned she knows about it and would love to see it. thats it. Isn't that what anyone would say if they knew you had a holiday home. its called making conversation. And the dc have been there! Of course they are going to talk about it. Of course she knows about it.

A 7 year old piping up perhaps mum can take us to the wales house is absolutely NOT the same thing as the exw asking you if she can take the dc there.

Hell, last summer my 7 year old suggested his dad could come live with us (when I moved in with DP). He thought it would be nice. Kids say all sorts of crap without thinking, they just say what they think would be a good idea!

It's not normal to talk about how you'd love to see it, and can't afford a holiday. She could just say 'that's nice, glad you have a lovely holiday'. The fact that the 'D'P feels guilty already shows it.

Of course we only have the OP's version, but dropping hints to me is CF behaviour. Directly asking is not, because then you can say no.

No you're wrong @LegMeChicken. It's rude. It's not being a people pleaser to be annoyed at being asked to share something.

I think it very much depends on the personalities involved.

DH's exW - no way, she's a give an inch take a mile kind of person, and any kind of 'in' like this would end up in death by a thousand cuts - I have no doubt once she had the address she'd be looking up the value of the house, dropping hints about 'well if you can afford to pay £x for a second house / you're having free holidays, you can afford to buy X for the kids / give me more maintenance etc' - it really would be a can of worms. I used to earn a lot more than DH (pre marriage) and even though she knew my salary paid for our 'luxuries' she still used to have a go at him for not giving the 'extra' money to her instead of going on holiday / having new clothes etc - it wasn't his money, it was mine and I was treating him!

Equally I know of other stepfamilies where relations are really good, and the families holiday together with their 'new' kids etc and everyone is good friends - in that scenario I can see that this wouldn't be an issue at all.

Only you know OP where on this scale ex-W falls!

Id kindly let my boyfriend know he can explain to his ex wife that its not his house to say who can stay, added to which its not free to stay and use

I have generous family who allow us to use their holiday home, its the cost of utilities per night we pay which is a nominal fee - but this pair seem to think it'll all be free and you'll foot the bill for all their electric, gas, council tax, water etc

@Deliaskis

Gosh, she is a CF, but also your DP is a bit for suggesting it...You're not married, you don't live together or have children together, and it sounds like the property is only yours, and he is saying 'maybe we should let her''? Not a chance.

This!

It really depends on your relationship with his ex wife. The ex doesn't always have to be the devil! I know of someone who used to use the Portuguese holiday home of her DP's ex wife, and even brought her own parents there. It was offered to her and everyone was OK with it. It's because they were all friendly with one another and co-parenting.

Depends entirely on your level of comfort as it's your home. If I was in this situation, it would depend on how well I got on with the ex and if I was comfortable having others in my holiday home without me there.

Clymene
At the time it was Ex husbands wife, but she is now his ex wife.

Agree with you if you've never met them. But I guess the responses of "no way" and "CF" just seem a bit ott.
There are many circumstances where it could be fine and there are also circumstances where it wouldn't.
Ops reaction is no, that's fine it's her house and totally her choice, I was just commenting that it wouldn't bother me. Each to their own and all that

Nope no way my sil has a property in wales im only going when im invited not for a holiday of my own

What would happen if the mum was messy or something got accidentally broken?

It’s a whole minefield of things that could go wrong that would cause family upset as opposed to you letting it out to a stranger.

Definitely NO!

If she's short of money, she can put a deposit down on a caravan or something and pay it up over time. I had to when money was tight

Clymene I just re read what I wrote and can confirm my exh is not now a exw 🤦🏽‍♀️ I can see how confusing that was

@pinkyredrose

DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her

We? It's not his house, it's nothing to do with him. Its your home away from home not a free for all. Is she proposing to pay you? If you let her stay once she'll want to keep going back.

Why the hell does he feel guilty? Tell him the answer is No. Not now. Not ever. And double check he doesn’t have a key that he could ‘accidentally’ lend her 😡

DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

There's no "we" here. It's your property which you bought with your money. You don't even live with DP.
If you were married or if he had contributed towards the property then there could be a discussion about this. But as it is, no, you don't want to let her use the holiday home so that's the end of it.

Hmm this wouldn’t bother me at all tbh

My husbands ex lives abroad with the their son and we have house swapped a few times and we’ve used their holiday cabin a good few times as well

She does sound quite entitled and I’d probably worry that she was going to “Mexican House Thief” it!

if he is so torn up by the fact that his ex can't arrange a holiday for her kids then HE can chip in for an Airbnb

Quite - and as a PP said, maybe she's not the only one who thinks he's "Fallen on his feet"

No way!
Your husband can take his son there himself.

Personally I would.

I think it is important for families to have a holiday together, and it would be great for the kids to go there with their mum. If she can't afford a holiday with them, I personally would do it.

@BungleandGeorge

I’m personally not keen on the concept of a ‘holiday house’ being sat empty most of the time. I can see why she’s suggesting it in those circumstances. It’s up to you though

Me neither but probably a different conversation isn't it. I personally wouldn't really be that bothered as long as she left it in a decent state after, but that's irrelevant as it's how you feel about it that matters.

I would honestly feel quite angry with this suggestion from DP. It shows he feels no gratitude toward you for hosting the whole gang and thinks he has part ownership of your house. You've already been generous enough. How dare she?

@Clymene

No you're wrong *@LegMeChicken*. It's rude. It's not being a people pleaser to be annoyed at being asked to share something.

'People pleaser' referred to being guilted into saying yes. Being annoyed is something separate. You can't say that I'm wrong, based on your opinion, because many people might be happy to share and delighted to be asked.

Having said that, asking for something big, without compensation is rude. In this case offering to pay, take them out to dinner etc etc fine. Wanting a free holiday - not fine

@NdefH81 Yes I'm a landlord. When we tried to sell the house we had two offers, both couples wanted it as a second home. We took it off the market and rented it out to a local couple. SO many houses in our village are second homes already. Some streets are dark in the winter with no cars parked outside them. Village schools are closing in north west Wales because locals have been priced out of the housing market. It's really sad to see.

This article is worth a read if anyone is interested - www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/mar/12/abersoch-second-homes-holiday-wales

Cheeky cow

No bloody way. Different if you knew her well & were friends, but she's taking the pee & so is your BF for backing her cheeky feckerey & using kis to ask is just so bloody low 🥴