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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/03/2022 11:12

@Deliaskis

Gosh, she is a CF, but also your DP is a bit for suggesting it...You're not married, you don't live together or have children together, and it sounds like the property is only yours, and he is saying 'maybe we should let her''? Not a chance.
this
BungleandGeorge · 29/03/2022 11:12

I’m personally not keen on the concept of a ‘holiday house’ being sat empty most of the time. I can see why she’s suggesting it in those circumstances. It’s up to you though

TheFormerMrsPugwash · 29/03/2022 11:13

@Clymene

I'm assuming that the 7 year old is the one who piped up about mummy taking them? At that point, daddy should have said that the wales house belongs to Sally and it's very kind of her to let us visit but she is daddy's friend, not mummy's.
This would have been the perfect answer.

As it is, I'd probably let her borrow it if she were going with the children, because I'd prefer everyone to get on and share for the sake of peace and harmony, but I am evidently a minority.

purpleboy · 29/03/2022 11:15

It honestly wouldn't bother me, I'm not sure why, it's just not something I could I get worked up about, and if it gave the kids a holiday with their mum then even better.

MzHz · 29/03/2022 11:15

Good god no - and yes your DP needed to nip that right in the bud.

Who in their right mind would think asking or even entertaining this notion was right? at least the 7yo is too young to know how daft an idea that was, but DP seriously needed to manage that better

MarinoRoyale · 29/03/2022 11:15

@BungleandGeorge

I’m personally not keen on the concept of a ‘holiday house’ being sat empty most of the time. I can see why she’s suggesting it in those circumstances. It’s up to you though
Oh give over, she’s not suggesting it to lessen the impact on the local economy due to it being a second home! This place is nuts for twisting situations to try make the OP seem the unreasonable one Grin
iRun2eatCake · 29/03/2022 11:16

Agree with everyone else!! Absolutely a big NO fro me too!!

And your DP needs reminding who's it actually is when he's voicing his opinions to other's without discussing it first

MzHz · 29/03/2022 11:18

"We"?

WE don't have a holiday home.... you do @Stupified, and it't not up to DP to consider if he could offer it to anyone

and yes, if he is so torn up by the fact that his ex can't arrange a holiday for her kids then HE can chip in for an Airbnb.

JennySpanner · 29/03/2022 11:18

Absolutely not. That's your home - please don't feel guilty just say a firm no.

TheFormerMrsPugwash · 29/03/2022 11:19

@iRun2eatCake

Agree with everyone else!! Absolutely a big NO fro me too!!

And your DP needs reminding who's it actually is when he's voicing his opinions to other's without discussing it first

Not quite everyone else. I don't agree. Though those who don't agree are definitely a minority. The OP's ideal scenario would have been for her DP to head this off, given that she would rather not let the ex wife use her house (which is her prerogative). I think it's a bit batshit, though, to imagine the woman wants to go there to look through all the drawers and "taint" the place. After all, she's an ex wife, not an OW!
TheOriginalEmu · 29/03/2022 11:19

I don’t see the issue with letting her go there personally.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/03/2022 11:20

He can fund his kids/ex an Airbnb /rental somewhere...

TheOriginalEmu · 29/03/2022 11:20

@BungleandGeorge

I’m personally not keen on the concept of a ‘holiday house’ being sat empty most of the time. I can see why she’s suggesting it in those circumstances. It’s up to you though
Particularly in communities where this kind of thing prices the local people out of living there.
JennySpanner · 29/03/2022 11:21

The problem is if you (madly) agreed she would want it again and again.

pinkyredrose · 29/03/2022 11:21

DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her

We? Hmm It's not his house, it's nothing to do with him. Its your home away from home not a free for all. Is she proposing to pay you? If you let her stay once she'll want to keep going back.

Subbaxeo · 29/03/2022 11:22

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us-why not treat her as just another friend or family member?

zafferana · 29/03/2022 11:23

Not unreasonable at all OP. She's a CF. But anyone who has a holiday home of any kind finds the CFs come crawling out of the woodwork and dropping hints. My DPs have a place and when they first got it all kinds of people, some of whom they don't even know particularly well, were dropping hints that they'd love to come and stay. Friends with a holiday home say the same thing and often they rent their homes out for money, but no, these people are looking for a freebie. If you live in a nice town by the sea the same things happens - people want to use visiting you as an excuse for a free holiday.

incognitoforthisone · 29/03/2022 11:24

@Crunchymum

So you don't live together, other than at this second house?

Bit of an odd set up - how often are you there? Why don't you live together all of the time?

I'd file these questions under 'none of your business'
Mamiddaubach · 29/03/2022 11:24

YABU to have a second home.

Bookworm20 · 29/03/2022 11:24

I have actually been in this position. And I didn't have an issue with the exw using the holiday home to take the DSC. But then, we had a very amicable relationship. And she would use the spare room, not our actual bedroom.
Again though, it massively depends on the relationship you have with her.
I didn't have an issue because she did have the dc more than us, around 70/30 and we had no bitterness between each other at all. So it was really for the dc to spend holiday time with their dm that they rarely got before because money for her was tight (and I wasn't prepared to pay for her to take them on a paid holiday!) The house would of been empty so made perfect sense they could make use of it.

On the flip side, she used it maybe only 3 times, so didn't take the piss. And then when me and dh had dc together she would occasionally babysit or take all the dc out for days out etc.

But I realise this is not the norm! Just lucky it was all very amicable, which was 100% for the dsc.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 11:25

@purpleboy

It honestly wouldn't bother me, I'm not sure why, it's just not something I could I get worked up about, and if it gave the kids a holiday with their mum then even better.
Oh brilliant! Can we come and stay in your house next time you go on holiday please?
gannett · 29/03/2022 11:25

You obviously don't have to let anyone stay in your house if you don't want to but the comments about how the ex-wife will "taint" it or "stain" it are absolutely batshit. She's the mother of your partner's children, not a leper.

I have a friend who inherited a rural cottage and she makes sure that her friends and relatives use it as much as possible, to ensure it's not sat empty most of the time and because she wants to spread her good fortune among the people she likes.

buffyajp · 29/03/2022 11:26

@GrendelsGrandma

I think you're unreasonable to have a house you barely live in, tbh.
That’s not the question and absolutely nothing to do with you
LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 11:27

@Subbaxeo

My dh’s exw has a holiday home in France and she’s often said to us we can use it if we want to. We haven’t, but I think it’s a nice thing to do-and given that children have to deal with these blended ‘families’ when they never asked to be in one-it might be a good idea to let her use it for a small fee to cover costs. Especially as you let other people go there-what’s so bad about the ex wife? I know I’m going against many of the replies here but it seems that some people ‘s hackles get raised as soon as ex partners are mentioned. In our situation, we’ve all tried hard to get on and be relaxed with one another as it’s good for our kids-and us-why not treat her as just another friend or family member?
Because of her entitled attitude and emotional manipulation. These people are never grateful, give an inch and they'll take a mile. You can 'somewhat' excuse this for family that has raised you (like parents) but exW is a stranger, so no way.
LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 11:28

@Subbaxeo I do agree that the comments about taints,staining etc are over the top.