AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

[Stupified]

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

@gannett

These people are never grateful, give an inch and they'll take a mile.

"These people"? You realise you don't even know the ex-wife in question beyond the tiny bit of info the OP has supplied. What kind of "these people" have you deduced her to be? Or is it just some weird prejudice showing?

I would see this bit of the OP as giving meaning to the phrase 'these people':

'DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her'

The Welsh property is none of the ExW's business, beyond hearing about it from her kids. From this extract, the ExW is being emotionally manipulative to try to gain access to her ex-husband's girlfriend's property. She knows how to induce guilt in her ExH & has done just that. 'These people' are a definite type, & I've known several.

Think of it another way: if the OP had just bought an expensive car, would you be OK with her DP's ExW saying, "I've heard about your girlfriend's new car. I'd love to see it. I've always wanted one of those but I can't afford it. It would be nice if she lent it to me every Thursday & Saturday."?

Interesting that DP seems to think of it as “his” house too. Obviously you don’t live together. You’re not there yet.

YANBU for not wanting her to sleep in your bed.
YABU for having a second home.

Suggest that the ex could have a holiday at your dp’s house while you are away. I bet he would like that.

If I want to share something, I offer @LegMeChicken. The OP's partner has asked her if she wants to share her house with his ex wife. Now she's annoyed and feels put in a difficult position.

I'm sure if she'd wanted to share her house with his ex, she would have offered.

I would be worried that he shares his ExW view that he's fallen on his feet. What's this "we" nonsense about?

This, ⬆️

especially on the back of his hugely inappropriate "we" when referring to YOUR property comment. Watch yourself, he already sees what is yours, as his & is a CFer too

@kournikovaxx

The fury of PP's about the second home is hilarious.

Why?

@kournikovaxx

The fury of PP's about the second home is hilarious.

Presumably you don't live somewhere being destroyed by people buying up all the properties for them to sit empty 9 months of the year. The fury is justified, your ignorance is not.

Its quite tangled up I think you need to untangle things.

Firstly you need to ask yourself what sort of relationship you have with DP and his kids and where its going to be going forward.

Firstly, He definitely needs to accept that its not up to him to offer out your house or any of your belongings. They don't automatically become his to lend out for extra credit.

Secondly you also have a relationship with his kids, and therefore with the ex. What kind of relationship do you want with them all in the future? Are they an extended/blended family. If its likely that they will be, then It's always better to be on good terms if possible.

Thirdly The house is a completely separate issue.

You don't have to let her have it and once you open the doors it will be difficult to say no again in future.
But it doesn't have to mean animosity or that she's an out and out CF. There's been plenty of suggestions on this thread about amicable ways of dealing with this.

@kournikovaxx

The fury of PP's about the second home is hilarious.

And the irony that she HAS a second home herself

It feels very personal to have her stay there. It’s definitely your house and a bit cheeky to try and get herself a free holiday

@kournikovaxx

And how do empty houses lead to towns being 'destroyed?'

Are you being wilfully obtuse?

There was an article posted further back by a pp which will explain it for anyone who is apparently without a brain.

You would be unreasonable to let her go and stay in it !

I get on well with DH's ex, we've been on holiday together (long story) but I'd say no to that too. It's your space.

"DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her"

I'd rephrase that as "now this has been brought up, it's easier for me to lump this onto you, for you to say yes than for me to be uncomfortable and having the conversation to tell her "no" and deal with any fall out and be seen as the bad person"

If it's a holiday let it wouldn't bother me. If it's family only then depends how much you like her/ your relationship with her. Perfectly reasonable to say no.

I cannot imagine the thought process of either the ex-wife or your DP that they would think this was a reasonable request.

@Stupified

Phew! Thanks for all the replies - I’m glad I’m not being an arse about it, but it very much would feel like an invasion of privacy. In terms of DP, I think he has a weird guilt over certain things - he and his ExW are from a very modest background and it must seem to ExW that DP has ‘fallen on his feet’ somewhat, so I do see it from that perspective - not that I’m rich by any means! Just ‘fortunate’ (if that’s the right term in view of inheritance… ) All of the children come there with us regularly, so it’s a place for us all to be together, and I do want them to feel comfortable and at home there - but feel like it would be a step too far for their mum to take them there…

It's not a house you let out, it's your second home (dons tin hat).

Do you even let other family use it?

And it's nothing to do with your DP who goes there - it's not his house!