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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To Not Let DPs ExW Use Holiday Home

318 replies

Stupified · 29/03/2022 10:15

Been with DP for 4 years - each have our own children (mine 13 & 10, his 7 & 14) Mine are with me full time, no contact with their dad, DP has 50-50 arrangement.
About three years ago, I came into some money through the loss of a family member and invested it in buying a property in Wales. It’s taken a lot of work with redecorating, etc. to get it just how we want it and we love it. Have spent a lot of time there making it a ‘second home’ and it is particularly special as this is where my DP and I spend time ‘living together’ - as we don’t usually.
DPs ExW has started dropping hints to him that she’s ‘heard all about it’, ‘would love to see it’ and how she ‘can’t afford’ a holiday. DPs son piped up ‘mummy could take us to the Wales house’ and it was all very awkward - DP now feels guilty and said (to me) that maybe we should let her - AIBU to say no way?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 29/03/2022 11:28

I'd keep it really brief, tell him it's never happening and in future he can explain to his DC that they can visit the house when you go as a group.

buffyajp · 29/03/2022 11:30

@Mamiddaubach

YABU to have a second home.
I suggest you go to spec savers as that very clearly wasn’t the question. It’s also Andy one of your business.
gannett · 29/03/2022 11:30

These people are never grateful, give an inch and they'll take a mile.

"These people"? You realise you don't even know the ex-wife in question beyond the tiny bit of info the OP has supplied. What kind of "these people" have you deduced her to be? Or is it just some weird prejudice showing?

WimpoleHat · 29/03/2022 11:32

At that point, daddy should have said that the wales house belongs to Sally and it's very kind of her to let us visit but she is daddy's friend, not mummy's.

Absolutely this! It’s not “the Wales house”. It’s your house. And it is kind of you to take the kids and it’s entirely appropriate for your DH to set that out. Ridiculous for her to ask unless you’d offered previously.

(I have neighbours who take this “no harm in asking” approach and it drives me mad. The harm in asking is you make someone else feel guilty for saying no to something which is perfectly reasonable….hence why good manners dictates you shouldn’t have been asked and put in that position in the first place. Over the years, I’ve learned that the only way to deal with it is to say “no” robustly and without shame….!)

RonSwansonsChair · 29/03/2022 11:32

Just throwing my tuppence worth in to also say No way!

Clymene · 29/03/2022 11:32

[quote LegMeChicken]@Subbaxeo I do agree that the comments about taints,staining etc are over the top.[/quote]
What comments? Confused

purpleboy · 29/03/2022 11:32

Clymene if I knew you then I would have no problem with it at all. We live in a beautiful area, and often have friends and family stay in our house when we go abroad.
My exh now exw often came to my house to use the pool when we weren't there or on holiday with her kids, we weren't great friends but her child was my DDs sister so we just got on with it. His family also stay in our house abroad. It's great they can get a cheap holiday out of it, and we've never had any problems with them.

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 11:33

Is your DP usually a bit of a limp lettuce when it comes to his ex?

BottleBrushTree · 29/03/2022 11:33

That would be a big fat NO from me. And it’s certainly not up to your DP to volunteer things YOU own to his ex, pretty rude really. She’s also manipulating the 7 year old so just brush that one off.

BungleandGeorge · 29/03/2022 11:34

@MarinoRoyale I’m not sure where your comment came from as I never mentioned local economies?
I don’t see why people want an empty occasional property sat there for so many reasons. Rent it out, lend it out whatever but the concept of having it sat there empty most of the time whilst you live in your home doesn’t sit well. If it wasn’t sat empty and unused the whole issue wouldn’t come up…

Bootothegoose · 29/03/2022 11:34

Hell to the no.

It's not even his house! You don't even live together!

If he is so forlorn about his ex not having a holiday then he can buy her one... not gift her one at your expense. Besides, it's not a 'we' decision - you say 'that's a shame for her but having your ex wife sleeping in my home isn't something I'm comfortable with.'

What next, she's allowed to come and wash her dishes in your dishwasher because she doesn't have one at home?

Dontbeme · 29/03/2022 11:34

he and his ExW are from a very modest background and it must seem to ExW that DP has ‘fallen on his feet’ somewhat, so I do see it from that perspective

I would be worried that he shares his ExW view that he's fallen on his feet. What's this "we" nonsense about? It's not his place to offer or even suggest that you share your possessions with anyone. I also disagree that you should do this for the kids, you don't live together, have no children together, so he needs to knock this on the head. If it's raised again just say "I don't rent out my holiday house" let them know you're not being used.

Jillybloop393 · 29/03/2022 11:35

HE might have 'fallen on his feet', SHE hasn't! If the children go, it can be with you (and him), she has no right to benefit from you owning it. CF indeed!! It's a definite 'no' from me, and don't feel guilty about it in the least!

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 11:36

@Mamiddaubach

You say the OPs is unreadable for having a second home

Last week you posted

Mamiddaubach

I'm a landlord and I would agree. I would much prefer for you to ask to do this rather than late payments etc.

So you are a landlord?

Tomatobowl · 29/03/2022 11:37

Oh, goodness! Well, if you ever did it once, it would be expected that it would be a regular thing - like, twice a year!

So perhaps better not :-)

BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 29/03/2022 11:38

Don’t do it OP, if you do then before you know it she will be referring to “her week” every year. It’s not a timeshare

AlisonDonut · 29/03/2022 11:41

Lol. No fucking way.

incognitoforthisone · 29/03/2022 11:43

I think for me it would totally depend on the kind of relationship I had with the ex - my own ex had a son and had I owned a holiday home, I would honestly have been totally fine with my ex's ex taking their son there.

But it sounds like your circumstances in relation to your DP's ex are totally different to mine, so I can absolutely understand why you don't want her staying in your house! She's not your friend and your place in Wales really is a 'second home' that's personal to you, and not a place you got to rent out as an Airbnb or something.

If you're not comfortable with her being in your house, whatever the reason, then absolutely YANBU to say no. It's your house and your DP doesn't have a say in this. Your boundaries are totally reasonable.

StaplesCorner · 29/03/2022 11:44

I’m intrigued by the “we” thing too - is this an issue OP?

Bookworm20 · 29/03/2022 11:44

According to your post though, she hasn't actually asked to use it! So every calling her a CF, entitled and everything else under the sun are totally jumping the gun here.

She probably hasn't asked to use it because she doesn't want to come across as a CF!
She mentioned she knows about it and would love to see it. thats it. Isn't that what anyone would say if they knew you had a holiday home. its called making conversation. And the dc have been there! Of course they are going to talk about it. Of course she knows about it.

A 7 year old piping up perhaps mum can take us to the wales house is absolutely NOT the same thing as the exw asking you if she can take the dc there.

Hell, last summer my 7 year old suggested his dad could come live with us (when I moved in with DP). He thought it would be nice. Kids say all sorts of crap without thinking, they just say what they think would be a good idea!

Teapacks · 29/03/2022 11:45

Depending on the relationship and what she's like, i'd let her. YANBU to say no but if you have a good relationship and you trust her, why not? It would benefit your dp's kids and no skin off your nose if the house is empty. But you're well within your rights to refuse plus a lot hinges on whether you do trust her.

Drinkingallthewine · 29/03/2022 11:46

I know one separated couple where one has a holiday home in Spain and the ex frequently stays there with their children - but they get along very well outside of the co-parenting roles they have. So one parent will go out with the kids for a few weeks, then the other will come out to overlap and carry on with the holiday, and it works really really well for them.

It's not just an empty gaff for you. It's your second home with all your personal possessions in it so unless she'd theoretically be just as happy to let you and your children stay in her house without her there then you don't have the kind of relationship where you would lend her your home.

So if she wouldn't lend her home to you, why would you lend yours to her?

Coffeepot72 · 29/03/2022 11:46

Its a NO from me

LegMeChicken · 29/03/2022 11:47

@WimpoleHat

At that point, daddy should have said that the wales house belongs to Sally and it's very kind of her to let us visit but she is daddy's friend, not mummy's.

Absolutely this! It’s not “the Wales house”. It’s your house. And it is kind of you to take the kids and it’s entirely appropriate for your DH to set that out. Ridiculous for her to ask unless you’d offered previously.

(I have neighbours who take this “no harm in asking” approach and it drives me mad. The harm in asking is you make someone else feel guilty for saying no to something which is perfectly reasonable….hence why good manners dictates you shouldn’t have been asked and put in that position in the first place. Over the years, I’ve learned that the only way to deal with it is to say “no” robustly and without shame….!)

This makes no sense. Everyone has the right to ask. Everyone has the right to say no. The fact that 'some parties' (usually women, who have been socialised into being people pleasers) don't have the guts to say no, and an overdeveloped sense of guilty doesn't make asking bad manners. As women, getting into habit of directness benefits us enormously.
billy1966 · 29/03/2022 11:47

@MzHz

"We"?

WE don't have a holiday home.... you do @Stupified, and it't not up to DP to consider if he could offer it to anyone

and yes, if he is so torn up by the fact that his ex can't arrange a holiday for her kids then HE can chip in for an Airbnb.

Absolutely agree.

There is a pair of them in it.

CF's the pair of them.

Be wary OP, she's likely not the only one who thinks he's fallen on his feet.

Huge entitlement on his part to be the 'big generous man' of a property he doesn't own!
🙄