To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Awful I couldn't be friends with her.

I've given a close friend money for something personal. The next thing they were buying shit for their house that they didn't need. I'm still friends but never again.

@Jellybellyfun88

If this was a one off, and she was drunk, I'd let things settle and forgive her. I can imagine it can't be easy having no money and accepting help from a friend like that. Clearly, it would affect anyone, and the drink got the better of her. But you know your friend better.

You're right there, Jelly.

I'd cool it for now though, let the friend make the first move and then take it step by step.

The other people at the dinner must have been horrified, she really owes everyone an apology but the op most of all.

However, nobody died and we move on.

Maybe she was feeling uncomfortable (could she easily afford a meal out? Or was she expecting it to be your treat?)And as the drink went in discomfort turned into resentment ? Is she a gossipy person, would she have held your confidence in the same position?.
Whatever it was you did not deserve that outburst , you were a good friend and rewarded with embarrassment. Hardly surprising the atmosphere was tricky when you came back.
You have handled things well so far, maintain your dignity.

She has behaved badly, without question. But I would think carefully before throwing away 25-30 years of friendship over a single incident. Surely it's worth having a conversation first? If she's remorseful and there are extenuating circumstances then perhaps the relationship can be repaired in time. If she stands by what she said or doesn't offer any explanation for her behaviour then by all means, cut her loose.
Financial troubles come with a huge amount of stress, but also embarrassment. You were very kind to help her out, but your friend might feel deeply ashamed of having to accept your generous offers of help. Sometimes when we're judging ourselves harshly we find it impossible to believe others aren't judging us too, hence her paranoia about being seen as a "charity case" and everyone gossiping behind her back. If this is what she really believes to be the case, she must have been feeling awful. Of course, none of this is your fault or your problem but personally I'd want to understand her reasoning before I decided to end the friendship altogether.

I'd ask this woman - she is not your friend - for the money back. Then never have anything to do with her again.

I certainly wouldn't bother with her or give her another penny.. What you did for her was very kind and you didn't deserve her turning on you like that

She has hated you from afar all these years and your kindness and generosity towards her have only made her hate you even more. Ditch.

If she's had a drink, inhibitions lowered, I think it's come out unplanned. I reckon she's misunderstood a comment someone has made and though omg, she's telling them all she's given me money and she's felt utterly humiliated. Either she's then just burst out with it or it's been festering until she was drunk enough.

I think what matters now is what happens now. She should apologise, explain her out burst and apologise to the group. If she does and seems contrite, I'd get the friendship back on track. If she doesn't, then I think it's done

They do say no good deed goes unpunished.

It was a lovely thing for you to do OP, get rid of her as a friend, she’s not worth it.

Well she's stuffed herself hasn't she? She's lost your friendship, and potential future support. I doubt any of the others in the group will want to be friends with her after that either.

What people say when they are drunk is usually their true feeling but are too inhibited for say when sober.

All along she has felt like you were lording it up over her instead of being a kind hearted friend.

I would no longer bother with her as she has completely disrespected you and is extremely ungrateful.

@FangsForTheMemory

Well she's stuffed herself hasn't she? She's lost your friendship, and potential future support. I doubt any of the others in the group will want to be friends with her after that either.

Nor would anybody lend/give her any money after that display.

She wouldn’t be my friend anymore. How rude and ungrateful .

Following

I'd text her and say, I know how you really hate being a charity case so I'd like my money back please. Let me know how you intend to pay.

Drunk words are a sober man's thoughts.

This is on her mind and she's been embarrassed by it herself. Perhaps you carry yourself in a different way around her or she feels you've changed slightly. I wouldn't end a friendship over it just yet but try to speak to her one to one when she's not had a drink.

@LuluBlakey1

I couldn't leave it at that.

I would message her to say

'I have no idea why you behaved so badly on Saturday but just to be clear- I had not told anyone, even DH, that I had given you money. You and I agreed it would be between us and I kept to my word. As far as I was concerned I was helping you, as someone I considered a very good friend, not expecting any of the money to be paid back and certainly not telling anyone else about it. I have never considered you a 'charity case'- just a friend who needed a bit of help at a difficult time and I was glad to be able to do that.

I am appalled by your behaviour on Saturday and upset that you would treat me in such a horrible, unkind way.

You ruined the evening, embarrassed everyone, humiliated yourself and have destroyed our friendship.'

I’d go with this. Truly cathartic!!

@LuluBlakey1

I couldn't leave it at that.

I would message her to say

'I have no idea why you behaved so badly on Saturday but just to be clear- I had not told anyone, even DH, that I had given you money. You and I agreed it would be between us and I kept to my word. As far as I was concerned I was helping you, as someone I considered a very good friend, not expecting any of the money to be paid back and certainly not telling anyone else about it. I have never considered you a 'charity case'- just a friend who needed a bit of help at a difficult time and I was glad to be able to do that.

I am appalled by your behaviour on Saturday and upset that you would treat me in such a horrible, unkind way.

You ruined the evening, embarrassed everyone, humiliated yourself and have destroyed our friendship.'

Don’t send this - it’s way too much (especially the last paragraph), and doesn’t sound like the OP’s style/tone at all.

I know people on MN love to cut friends and family off and out of their lives, but in real life, I think people have a better understanding of human nature.

It sounds like something is seriously up with the friend, as yes, while the friendship may well be over, I’d be wanting a conversation, explanation and apology first, before making any decisions about cutting her off.

This is an old friendship group, for a start.

I also wouldn’t be holding anything against the others in the group for not saying anything.

If that were me, I wouldn’t have said anything either - I might know full well that you hadn’t said anything about the arrangement to me, but clearly there’s no way I can speak for the entire group. I have no idea what sort of conversations might have gone on.

I think the OP is sensible enough to know this.

I'd never want to be friends with her again- no matter what.

I was really, really generous with a woman I knew. Paid for loads, bought her art when she was skint. I'm talking thousands. There was a reason why I felt this was the right thing to do. She then got a boyfriend and started leeching off him instead. When I wasn't "needed" as much, she really did a number on me, diddled me over some work and due due to her shame, started massively lying and bad mouthing me. She essentially resented me wholesale because I'd saved through my twenties and been luckier than her financially.

I'll never feel obligated to help someone financially again, and it hurts most that my ability to trust and believe has been tarnished.

Your pal might have been lashing out due to her shame, but her resentment and jealousy of you is the root of this, and that stuff is death to any friendship. Sorry

I can’t believe how awful some of the replies on here are! Blimey, how unforgiving and awful. Because all of you are saints? Yeah right.

Even if this is the end for OP, there’s no need for foot stamping and asking for money back etc over one drunken incident.

The friend embarrassed herself more than the OP.

Get a grip people.

And no I don’t believe people speak the truth when drunk - I’ve said some crap while drunk, certainly not true!

Her comments came from a place of vulnerability and insecurity.

I'm so sorry that must have been painful! As for why she went off on one like that, clearly it's been irking her the whole time and she's embarrassed and paranoid about it.

Please just know she's the one with the problem. You haven't done anything wrong here, you've just tried completely altruistically to help someone else out. I guess she's not used to that kind of unconditional support and has assumed the worst.

She'll either realise her mistake or she won't but she's demonstrated a complete lack of trust in you and your motives and tried to bitch you up to your entire circle of friends. I would stop helping her out anymore after this.

That being said, I totally agree with your refusal to admit to helping her out to the others, keep telling them to talk to her about it if they want any more info; that is totally in accordance with the kindness you've shown up until this point. Don't get into a debate about it behind her back now.

The rest of your friends will realise she's tried to slur you for trying to do the right thing and will decide for themselves what to do with that information.

Going forward, if you hear that she's struggling again, take whatever money you would have given her and give it to the charity of your choice or put it in an ISA for your kids. If nothing else, that will remind you that your intentions were always good and she has some serious issues that are nothing to do with you.

TLDR Not your circus, not your monkeys, she cray cray

Maintain your class act OP, 'don't complain, don't explain' as they say.

Block, delete, flush etc and move on.

I'm sorry for both you and your other friends who had their night spoiled.

Funnily enough, just such a story I'd in The 48 Laws of Power.

I cant paraphrase, but essentially people resent you for rescuing them. The act forces them to be beneath you even tho you're helping them, and inadvertently they feel worse. I've got covid so not done a good job with that, sorry!

I'd let her come to you next. And not pay for anything for her ever again.

Your friend has low self esteem and is unable to hold her drink.