To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

I am shocked that none of the others intervened and said “whatever may or nay not have happened Searching has said not a word to me so maybe drop it, OK?”

I would message her and say “Dear friend, firstly I hope you got home all right. I left because I was very upset and shocked by what you said. I have never offered you help because I thought you were a ‘charity case’, just because things were sometimes hard for you at times when they were easier for me. Secondly I have never breathed a word to anyone else. I told you I wouldn’t and I haven’t. I was gutted to hear you think such low things of me after years of friendship, and things were so awkward by then that I left. I am still upset”.

She owes you an apology, and she also owes an apology to everyone else for such an outburst and ruining the evening.

Send her a post invoice for all the 'loans'..
Post it to her dh...

I think you might need to say if it ever comes up again 'feel free to pay me back rather than slag me off for helping you out'.

Did she ask for help or did you kindly and generously insist?

Has she been in touch since the meal?

I don't think the friendship is 'dead in the water' you have been close friends for over 30 years, it deserves the opportunity to be saved.

Has she contacted you? I'd be getting in contact with her to find out WTF was going through her brain

Given the length of your friendship and the out of character (presumably) outburst , I think it's probably worth a text/phone call to check there's not something going on with her?
Then take it from there...

You poor thing. How horrible for you,. I hope (and expect) she is cringing now.

I would write to her and say you had never told anyone, not even your husband that you had helped her out. You'd never asked anything in return but you don't expect to be attacked publicly for having helped her and that her vitriolic behaviour deeply upset you. I'd leave it there and see how she responds.

I know so many cases of people who have been extremely generous to others who have then had their beneficiaries turn nasty on them. i think it must help them feel exonerated for not paying the money back. It's easier not to feel indebted if they decide to fall out with you. It's happened to a very wealthy generous friend of mine with at least three people she helped when she didn't have to.

@HomeHomeInTheRange

I am shocked that none of the others intervened and said “whatever may or nay not have happened Searching has said not a word to me so maybe drop it, OK?”

I would message her and say “Dear friend, firstly I hope you got home all right. I left because I was very upset and shocked by what you said. I have never offered you help because I thought you were a ‘charity case’, just because things were sometimes hard for you at times when they were easier for me. Secondly I have never breathed a word to anyone else. I told you I wouldn’t and I haven’t. I was gutted to hear you think such low things of me after years of friendship, and things were so awkward by then that I left. I am still upset”.

She owes you an apology, and she also owes an apology to everyone else for such an outburst and ruining the evening.

This sounds perfect

@SleeplessInEngland

Obviously she does feel like a charity case and hates it. Doesn't excuse being a dick though. I guess you won't feel compelled to give her money again.

No good deed goes unpunished is a cliché for a reason.

Your dignity and loyalty are impressive, OP and you should never allow them to be used as a reproach to you in the absence of a substantial apology and reason.

I wouldn't message her, let her come to you. What a cow. Why accepted the money if she didn't need/ want it. I'd say she was a user!

I couldn't leave it at that.

I would message her to say

'I have no idea why you behaved so badly on Saturday but just to be clear- I had not told anyone, even DH, that I had given you money. You and I agreed it would be between us and I kept to my word. As far as I was concerned I was helping you, as someone I considered a very good friend, not expecting any of the money to be paid back and certainly not telling anyone else about it. I have never considered you a 'charity case'- just a friend who needed a bit of help at a difficult time and I was glad to be able to do that.

I am appalled by your behaviour on Saturday and upset that you would treat me in such a horrible, unkind way.

You ruined the evening, embarrassed everyone, humiliated yourself and have destroyed our friendship.'

I'd go with the far shorter you feel like a charity case? Here's by bank details. Give me my fucking money back.

Some of you are far nicer than I could ever be!

Stop giving her money, then she'll have nothing to complain about.

I wouldn't judge the others too harshly for not speaking up. If your friend's outburst was out of character, and they genuinely didn't know anything about you lending her money then they would have been totally confused and shocked by it. I don't think you can blame them for not knowing what to say in that situation. They may also have been worried that if any of them said anything it would just escalate the situation as there's usually little point in trying to reason with a drunk person.

@FreyaMaya

No good deed goes unpunished OP. She didn't say no to your offer of help at the time, and happily took your money. Live and learn. I've been through the same with an ex friend. I'll never help her again

Your first sentence is so true!

I wonder how the 'friend' feels now about her indiscreet behaviour and talk. It was obviously the drink talking and the lesson to be learned from that is - don't drink too much because it will loosen your tongue.

I'm not surprised the op was embarrassed, I think I would have died of shame.

Cool it with her, op. She'll miss you more than you will miss her.

That was awful behaviour. I have a friend who has helped me out over the years out of the goodness of her heart and because she genuinely wants to use her good fortune to help any friends who have ended up in shit situations or who are really struggling. She would never tell anyone other than her DH and neither would I tell our friendship group. I do kind of feel a bit of a charity case but nevertheless I’m so grateful and feel so lucky to have a friend who genuinely cares and doesn’t want to see her friends struggle if she can do something to help. She’s amazing. I’m really sorry you’re friend has done this. You sound a genuinely caring and good friend.

If this was a previously good friend and this is out of character I’d actually be concerned for her mental health and would arrange to see her face to face in neutral place to chat .
Friendship will never be the same again but you may be able to reduce awkward future get togethers

Clutching at straws but the menopause can make mental cases of the best of us ! any chance she may have been hormonal ?

Ouch.
She's probably even more ashamed now she knows she was wrong.
It's an embarrassing situation all round.
I think once I was feeling less riled I would text her. Ask if she's ok. Tell her that the outburst has shocked and upset you and say that you had kept the money you'd given her private from your mutual friends so you don't understand why she thought otherwise.
If she apologises and explains you might be able to salvage this. She seems to think you have been talking about her.

@nitsandwormsdodger

If this was a previously good friend and this is out of character I’d actually be concerned for her mental health and would arrange to see her face to face in neutral place to chat . Friendship will never be the same again but you may be able to reduce awkward future get togethers

Why is all of this on the OP? The friend should be in touch if she wants to make things less awkward.

Sometimes people are just drunk dicks and not suffering with mental health issues.

You have been a wonderful friend and she has fucked up massively. It does feel horrible needing money from people but wow did she direct that the wrong way.

So now you stop giving her or lending her money

And I would tell her it’s time to stop swapping presents and would slowly back away

@LuluBlakey1

I couldn't leave it at that.

I would message her to say

'I have no idea why you behaved so badly on Saturday but just to be clear- I had not told anyone, even DH, that I had given you money. You and I agreed it would be between us and I kept to my word. As far as I was concerned I was helping you, as someone I considered a very good friend, not expecting any of the money to be paid back and certainly not telling anyone else about it. I have never considered you a 'charity case'- just a friend who needed a bit of help at a difficult time and I was glad to be able to do that.

I am appalled by your behaviour on Saturday and upset that you would treat me in such a horrible, unkind way.

You ruined the evening, embarrassed everyone, humiliated yourself and have destroyed our friendship.'

This.

I wouldn't judge your other friends harshly, they were probably aghast at her.

What an awful way to behave.

You must be so hurt to have her speak of you like that.

“I am sorry you think I would ever discuss your private affairs with anyone. If that is what you believe then that is what you believe, but it is not something that happened. “