To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Oh wow.

I'd not do this over text or WhatsApp....I'd have to go over to her home and have a face to face discussion about it. You'd have to find out why she thought you were discussing her financial affairs with anyone in the group you were out with when you haven't even mentioned it to your nearest and dearest (your husband)? What did she hope to achieve by blurting this out? If she thought you were discussing her personal situation with anyone other than her, why did she continue to accept your money, the gifts etc. and just politely decline the generous offers when they were being made in good faith?

I'd also have to check with the others who were there at the dinner whether they were aware that you were doing this (on the off chance that she was also accepting money from one of the other women too) and what sparked the conversation in the first place because you're struggling to find even the smallest bit of trust that you can try to rebuild the friendship with her and that she has shown herself to be particularly nasty when there was no 'charity' involved - you were simply helping a friend when they needed help with no strings attached.

You poor thing. I'd say that more than tainted your night. If it's only a small 'win', I'm glad that you left when you did and didn't hang around to give her a lift home. People who besmirch your kindness, generosity and reputation don't deserve to be chauffeured around!

Obviously she does feel like a charity case and hates it. Doesn't excuse being a dick though. I guess you won't feel compelled to give her money again.

I think you have two options:

1. You can approach your friend and ask her kindly if she's alright. Some people (I am one of them) are very proud and she may well be very down ATM and worried about how they are perceived. She was 100% in the wrong and you should say how hurt and embarrassed you were by her behaviour, but you can give her the opportunity to explain and apologise.

1. Friendship is dead in the water. This may, however, be difficult if you have a lot of mutual friends.

From what you've said, though, your mutual friends seem to understand, so I wouldn't worry about that side. Personally, I would go with option 1, but it's up to you.

I think if this was my closest friend, I would be asking her if she is OK to be honest. Yes it probably felt embarrassing and like it was thrown back in your face, but I also think there is a reason she felt like this, maybe misunderstood something someone said which alluded to them knowing or an underlying deep humiliation that has sadly come out in this way because of drink.

I dont think you come out of this in a bad light (nor should you, you've been extremely generous/kind/confidential) however I would be worried if this was my friend and be drawing a line under it on this occasion, and speak to her directly to address why she brought this up. She's only embarrassed herself by acting like that, and I would want to understand why she brought it up.

No good deed goes unpunished OP.
She didn't say no to your offer of help at the time, and happily took your money.
Live and learn.
I've been through the same with an ex friend. I'll never help her again

Actually, I might choose to do it over text. OP seems to be totally embarrassed by this, even though she has no need to be.

I might choose not to speak to her again and to send a simple text: You made us both look truly stupid. I had told nobody, as I said I would not. That was your own insecurities speaking, I have no idea what prompted it but it can be nothing I have said or done

Well when you bite the hand that feeds you and all that....

If you like her then wait to see what she does/say to you. Otherwise I'd be giving her a swerve.

Obviously you can't be helping her out anymore if it's so offensive to her. Jealousy comes in many forms.

@sillysmiles

I messaged one after it and she said they were dying of embarrassment for her being so rude. She asked me if I had been giving her money and I just said it wasn’t my place to get into it. What I wanted to say was “yes I’ve given her a lot without expecting anything in return!”

I'm not sure if she outted it to the whole table, why you still felt the need to maintain confidentiality.

OP was sticking to her promise of confidentiality. Good on her.

She asked me if I had been giving her money and I just said it wasn’t my place to get into it. What I wanted to say was “yes I’ve given her a lot without expecting anything in return!”

Youre a classy lady OP, keep your dignity and the high ground

Your friend, on the other hand, has embarrassed herself and wrecked at least one friendship. If I was one of the others in the group I'd be distancing myself from her too.

Have you heard from her since?

I wouldn't start texting by defending your position (ie explaining you've never told anyone). You have nothing to defend. I'd simply ask "why did you bring up money in front of everyone"? It's on her to give explanations here.

Find out what's going on. She's your oldest friend and something isn't right under the surface.

She was in the wrong so it's up to her to make the first move if she wants to repair the relationship. It's up to you whether you can forgive her outburst. She accepted the money you didn't force her, she did nothing to your reputation but made herself look weak and ungrateful.

Well, I'd have to ask wtf that was about. No one made her take the money.

Then I'd be done with her. I don't need people to be grateful, it's my choice to help, but no one makes a fool out of me publicly either.

Appalling behaviour on her part.

It was rude and inappropriate of her to say what she said in that context. If this was troubling her she should have talked to you privately when sober. But clearly this has been playing on her mind.

However, I think it's not always great to gift money to friends and insist on not being paid back for exactly these reasons - it starts to feel like an inequality in the friendship, breeds embarrassment, which can turn into resentment. If she wanted to pay you back you should have let her, and still been kind by letting her do it at her own pace as she can afford. It seems like she was uncomfortable being gifted money and so the situation could have been handled more tactfully from the start on both sides.

No good deed ever went unpunished. She's jealous, people often resent those who help them. Just withdraw, hopefully she will approach you but if not walk away. Sorry op it's a kick in the teeth for your kindness

I’d say she is ashamed and from that part of her she assumed she was being judged by everyone. If you want to be friends with her again then I think you have to accept that this behaviour came from a very dark spot inside her and allow her to have that part of her character. We all have flaws, everyone of us has dark and light, she put hers on show but she deserves to be judged in the round and you have a much better appreciation of the full picture.

If you were going to give her a chance I would think about speaking to her via messages to give her a chance to process the messages and make it less likely that she would get defensive. But whether you want to save the friendship is really up to you. I don’t know how I would feel in your shoes. It is a real toughie. She behaved incredibly badly.

Sometimes it's good to say you will only give once, so save the money instead of paying it back (whole other can of worms).

How often do you meet up with them? The next one is going to be very awkward

Has she in any way reached out to you op?

Has she apologised?

She's a sloppy drunk and clearly resents your kindness.

I would send her one text saying her behaviour was mortifying and you will await her apology. If she is appropriately sorry then I'd think about it. Otherwise finito

The friendship is dead and over.

What an appalling way to behave.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a best friend from when I was 5 up until I was in my mid 20s. She had two children at 18 and 20 (and regretted having them so early) and I used to drop round treats for the children and her - because I wanted to make life a bit better for her. I think there was some sort of resentment from her towards me and our other mutual best friend because she accused us (would have been one of us) of committing benefit fraud against her. The other mutual best friend was from a well off family. I think the childhood friend was jealous of us having family who were well off and sad that she couldn't do the same. In recent years, her life has got much better financially though and I'm pleased for her but even though we've spoken via text etc, we did fall out and not speak in my mid 20s and sorry to say, I have forgiven but not forgotten her and I don't really want her back in my life. Or if I do, it's at a distance. I think she sort of realises this but would love our friendship as it was and that's not going to happen from my side.

You are such a classy person on every level, OP. It's nice to read about. I'd cut her off 100%, friendship over. She will regret it and feel bad at some point but she's acted disgustingly toward you and doesn't deserve a friendship with you anymore. The fact that she even expected a life after all that speaks volumes!

Yeah, curtains for this one.