To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Am I the only one who doesn't believe a word about the guy and what he said? She's picked a fall guy there. She hadn't told any of the other friends about it, so why would she tell him?

Look at how upset she was at the thought of the others knowing. Is it likely she would've told a man that she was trying to impress?

@HollowTalk

Look at how upset she was at the thought of the others knowing. Is it likely she would've told a man that she was trying to impress?

You think she's using the guy for damage limitations?

I think this is easily explained. Over a period of time, her gratitude has sometimes bordered on shame for feeling like, in her words, "a charity case". You can add to that her fear and dread of you telling the others about how much you have helped her. A little paranoid voice sometimes goads her, convincing her that surely nobody could be as seemingly altruistic as you appear to have been - snipping away at her loss of self esteem due to feeling like a desperate, poor relation. Yes, she has been incredibly grateful, but it has also (completely unintentionally) undermined her self-confidence. She wishes she could have said no, but she really needed the help.

Sometimes, we can be afflicted by a very strange syndrome, a kind of, "reverse pschology" . Basically, in with the genuine need for financial help, she has also felt envious, embarrassed and shamefaced. Her gratitude has been soured by suspicion of your motives, whilst at the same time feeling very humbled by your obvious superior financial position.
It's been churning up inside: shame, guilt, desperate gratitude, all of that - which she has projected back at you, convinced you can't be such a saint and must have ratted her out to the friendship group. Out it's all come, like a stream of psychological vomit, the little voice pushing to the front in a drunken moment of savage spite and misplaced hurt. Once drunk, she's convinced herself that you're a two faced cow as she slurs out her accusations. "Ha, I'm on to you!" she thought, as she knocked back her sixth gin and tonic.

Only she wasn't. And all her shame at feeling poor and needy has wanged straight back in her face, knocking her on her arse in front of everyone and leaving her feeling like a complete bitch. If she thought she didn't deserve a friend like you before, she's convinced of it, now. And it hurts like crazy, that feeling of not being as good, or as well off, or as in control as everyone else.

She will be either defensively defiant, or a cringing, mortified wreck right now. If she has any sense of self worth left, she'll be desperately trying to shine it up, is my guess.

Go to see her, get it all out in the air. I am convinced she is feeling utterly dreadful right now.

Question is, can you fix it? Good luck, OP. I would love to know how it goes. Xx

Good on you! You have been a true friend to her and it sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you. I'm sure she'll be kicking herself now for being such a dick and cutting off your help/support.
I suspect her outburst probably came from feeling inadequate which is understandable, but is still no excuse in any way, shape or form for the way she has treated you.

I think it’s likely she was feeling ‘like a charity case’ and the alcohol has lowered her inhibitions.

The rest of the table likely didn’t say anything at the time as they likely felt awkward and didn’t know what to say.

I know what it’s like to struggle for money, and have lovely friends help out. Often with depression/anxiety, paranoia can show it’s head, and may she feels insecure around all her successful friends.

I’m not excusing bad behaviour, either way, you deserve an apology.

So sorry you’ve been through all this unpleasantness, you’ve done exactly the right thing.

I’ve also been treated very badly by someone I lent money to, not sure I would do it again, to be frank.

🌺

@Codswallopcurry I think your summary explains the inner workings of the friends psychological processes very well. If the OP can meet her friend in the space rather than rationally judging her poor behaviour it is possible to have a good outcome for the friendship.

I feel really sad for you. You've been incredibly kind and discrete.
Your friend has betrayed your secret... probably feels a bit jealous and threatened by your better financial position.

People get very worked up about what others have and don't have. The best policy I've realised is to say nothing regarding your finances. It's nobody's business but yours (and your family's.)

I was too open with friends and family, and it's actually a relief keeping stuff private - even from my mother and sibs. But it's a permanent boundary; one slip up and it's all over.

lovely response

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap?s the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.

'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.

'Spot,' she cried out sharply.

I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.

'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you.'

#waits for a don't dis the fart movement
#natural
#freethefart

Forgive the post in the WRONG THREAD.
Not sure how that even happened.

@GADDay
I know your post was completely inappropriate but it made me laugh 😃. Funny. I hope mn don't delete it haha

@GADDay

Forgive the post in the WRONG THREAD. Not sure how that even happened.

I'm guessing it's for the farting rude, thread ?

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Sadly it is not uncommon - money and friendship don't mix. I once lent/gave £50 to a work friend who literally couldn't put her electricity on in December. Another colleague said "Don't do it - you'll never see that money again" and I said "It's fine, I told her no need to pay me back, it's her that is insisting she will." I gave it no more thought.

In the new year I found out that she was telling people I was giving her filthy looks and bad mouthing her, and she never wanted to take the money anyway!

I think needing and being given money can create resentment and it can turn on the giver, who is then characterised as smug or patronising etc. I learned my lesson.

Yep I've had this with treating friends who were struggling. All fine and happy to take the gifts and let me pay until one day just suddenly turning on me and saying I was offensive and belittling them. Funnily enough though those things were said in a context where I wasnt being expected to pay, nor was paying, for anything. And they never refused me or said those things when paying was involved

OP do you have an update?

@ValerieCupcake

OP do you have an update?

Why? Don’t you have anything else going on in your life?

@Inklingpot bad day?!