To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Ungrateful cow! That would be the end of that friendship for me

She sounds horrible.

I would tell all friends that yes you gave her money in confidence. You’re hardly breaking confidence after she did!!!

And then I would no longer speak to her.

I'd be honest with the other friends, if they ask about it (again). You don't owe her any secrecy. She brought it up herself!

This seems like a clear case of "no good deed goes unpunished".

An awful way for a friendship to end after so many years, but I think that it should.

I think you’re a kind and lovely friend op, what a way to treat someone though!! She would be no friend of mine after that, how horrible to utterly wreck a friendship like that. Feel for you!!

I’m a single parent, 4 kids and I’m not particularly well off and have a friend I know would help me if I needed it. I will be fine and she’s offered and I’ve always turned her down - it’s very kind of her but my grandma always told me never a lender or borrower be and it’s stuck. I wouldn’t want to feel beholden to someone and I just think it’s better not to if possible. However I was very grateful to my friend for being so kind and thinking about me. Honestly op some people just don’t realise the friend they have!!!
Hope you’re ok as must be very hurtful for you

Her behaviour was unforgiveable but don't stop meeting up with the friendship group. It's for her to be embarrassed and apologise. Bet she doesn''t do the latter though. Treat her as a vague acquaintance from now on, show no interest in her

@EdithStourton

That would be friendship over as far as I'm concerned. Even if a grovelling apology was forthcoming, I'd never trust her again.

Absolutely agree. She'd be dead to me.

If this is your closest friend and you've known each other since primary school I don't understand why you wouldn't talk to her about it? It's sounds totally out of character so maybe something else is going on?

It wouldn't excuse her awful behaviour but I would definitely want to know why. It wouldn't be something I'd cut a very close friend off for though.

I would just back away. She clearly doesn't like you. You helped her out and she resents you for it. Can't turn back time. I would be a bit interested to know if there is more to it. So a message to say "is there a reason you thought I had told people about giving you money?"

You’ve been close friends and socialised with these people for at least 25 years if known from school

Surely, surely you’d feel open enough to discuss what she said, without drama or shouting, just “oh I’m sad you think that because you’ve asked for money and I’ve helped. What has made you feel like that?

She was out of line.
I've been given money from more affluent family member (as I'm definitely poorer!) I've never resented it and always been grateful.

She feels what she feels but she does not have the right to make you feel like shit for your good deeds (and she could have always refused!!)

This is a perfect example of the saying No good deed goes unpunished..

It's her loss, not yours OP.

@searchingforsomethiing

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

25/30 year close friendship and

* I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.*

Bloody hell.

As for what came over her - drunk, emotional and unfair.

I wouldn't be willing the repair the "friendship" knowing that apparently she's been seething with negative emotion toward me.

I'd message that it was reprehensible for her to do that at the gathering, and then say "Since you don't wish to be a charity case, please let me know your plan for repaying the funds you owe me. I have better things to do with my money than waste it on a sloppy ingrate."

Something very similar happed to me a few years ago.

My friend has made a financial commitment thinking she would be coming in to some money, she didn’t and she was stuck struggling to pay for it, I could afford it so offered to pay for it for the 12 months she was contracted into.

It was all fine, until 9 months in on a night out she was being really off with me and once she had a few drinks she had a similar outburst as your friend.

It turned out some time later that she had overheard a snippet of a conversation between two mutual friends the previous weekend discussing someone being financially ‘propped up’ by someone else and had put 2 and 2 together and come up with 9642.

She decided I had been telling everyone how I was subsidising her and they were all judging her and laughing about her behind her back.

It turned out they were actually talking about something on a tv show.

Our friendship never recovered and we haven’t spoken in years.

I think sadly even if the friend does apologise - she's really landed herself in it because she's thrown your generosity back in your face OP and has made assumptions you've betrayed her trust by telling your mutual friends about it.

With me and my friend - our mutual friend had known her since they were 13/14, with me it was longer.

I was really pissed off, angry and hurt that she'd even think we would defraud her. What made it worse is a few months later after we'd fallen out, I got upset and felt lonely and rang her. She told me "I'll only be friends with you if you come crawling back on your hands and feet" and in that moment I knew our friendship really was over, I just put the phone down. I can't recall if she or I reached out to make friends almost 15 years later but she didn't even apologise for her behaviour so I kept her on a very short leash re my interaction with her. Over the first covid lockdown we texted and were in touch and sadly her mum died a year ago and I sent her a card etc but on reflection I just don't think I trust her or want a friendship.

I agree with Lulu's message.

But I'd be feeling, in my head, like this
I'd go with the far shorter you feel like a charity case? Here's by bank details. Give me my fucking money back.

I’m more gobsmacked that your response - with 4 other presumably supportive friends around you - was that your response was just to wander off

25+ years of friendship and you couldn’t say, “where has this come from?”

I find it odd that none of your friends insisted there and then that they didn't know.
I'd only forgive her if there was a massive unprompted grovelling apology and an explanation as to why she thought that you'd told everyone.
She's not only ruined things with you but I doubt the rest of them would be keen to see her again.

I've been accused of 'playing lady bountiful'. I stopped helping them out. I've felt taken advantage of.

I think jealousy and resentfulness can build up along with expectations that someone will always help out, feelings that bad money habits are being judged and on my part that I am allowed to say and be involved in someone's life when I'm helping them out.

I direct people now towards budgetting courses and CAP courses and signpost relevent services. No one ever seems to want to bother taking advice and sort out anything or make any changes - only wanting handouts.

I wouldn't be the first to speak after this. She was in the wrong and she owes you an apology. If she can't see that and come forward with (a bloody good) one, then you have no reason to stay friends with her.

@LuluBlakey1

I couldn't leave it at that.

I would message her to say

'I have no idea why you behaved so badly on Saturday but just to be clear- I had not told anyone, even DH, that I had given you money. You and I agreed it would be between us and I kept to my word. As far as I was concerned I was helping you, as someone I considered a very good friend, not expecting any of the money to be paid back and certainly not telling anyone else about it. I have never considered you a 'charity case'- just a friend who needed a bit of help at a difficult time and I was glad to be able to do that.

I am appalled by your behaviour on Saturday and upset that you would treat me in such a horrible, unkind way.

You ruined the evening, embarrassed everyone, humiliated yourself and have destroyed our friendship.'

I think this is a good message but I would leave out the last paragraph.

If this was a one off, and she was drunk, I'd let things settle and forgive her. I can imagine it can't be easy having no money and accepting help from a friend like that. Clearly, it would affect anyone, and the drink got the better of her. But you know your friend better.

I direct people now towards budgetting courses and CAP courses and signpost relevent services..

One of my sisters started doing that and it was more effective than paying over the money directly so I copied her.

She's killed the goose now hasn't she? You won't be helping her out any more!