To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

@MissAmbrosia

So there was a reason and a trigger for this. Why you didn't have this conversation on Sunday is totally beyond me.

Well quite.

But hey, at least they’ve had it now.

I would text her, tell her she made a complete tit of herself, and that you had never told a soul about the money. Ask her if she's ok.

Obviously she feels bad about needing the money, her life is based on deep shame around her financial situation, which she has built into a narrative of resentment toward you, unfortunately.

When people assume everyone can read their mind, know so much about them, and are uninhibited enough to reveal their thoughts to others, it's usually a sign of not being in a good place, mentally. They can't tell reality from their shame based narrative.

I would be concerned that she is close to some sort of a breakdown.

@MissAmbrosia

So there was a reason and a trigger for this. Why you didn't have this conversation on Sunday is totally beyond me.

I'm totally put off my semolina pudding now.

Sorry, I missed your update about the BF.

Yes, he is abusing her. He is trying to poison her relationships with her friends so that she won't have any support network to rely on when he turns up the heat. He picked her because she's a lame duck, low self esteem, and low confidence in herself. Also, and this is horrible, she has children.

Please stick by your friend. She is going to need you.

@phoenixrosehere

But also why she would give him more credence than your 30 year friendship is beyond me. But then some people are very good at manipulating others and getting into their head I guess.

I think she was likely insecure beforehand and he picked up on it, but if it was supposed to be a secret between her and OP, why tell him?

Some people do. My oldest (as in terms of length of time knowing each other) friend is more interested in what some fool online, whom she has been "talking to" since last August and never seen anything of other than a few head and shoulders shots of him in a football shirt, thinks than her own family and real friends. Because he is a bloke. Because he says things to her that make her feel good. It's sad.

Its loneliness and the need for a significant other. A particular driver when friends are part of couples. I suppose she wanted to have a primary person in her life too.

MissAmbrosia are you feeling alright? You're talking nonsense.

@MissAmbrosia you’re determined to paint me as the bad guy in this. Like everyone else, I can be a dick from time to time but in this scenario I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Of course the friendship is over - why would you want it after what she did, dreadful, cut her loose, never speak to her again, I would find her behaviour literally unforgiveable, no explanation or apology could make it possible to get past her atrocious behaviour, you will be better off emotionally as well as financially without this leech in your life

@searchingforsomethiing

Considering what she has said, sounds like major projection on her part due to her experience with her own friend that she still reads as feeling guilty about. Just ignore.

You’re a better friend than me. I could forgive but forgetting, nope. I would have downgraded her to an acquaintance because even though she has apologised for her actions, they were still very hurtful. Friends make mistakes but this is a lot of mistakes in a short period that could have been sorted before it ended up like this. If I was one of the friends in this friendship group and you had told me all of this, I would be questioning my own friendship because if that’s how she treats a friend of 30 years over some guy, what would that mean for me, what could she been telling this guy about me and the group, and would she actually be keeping this guy around after all this?

Send her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?

He's played a blinder. Got her to burn all her bridges with her oldest and best friends so she's no longer got a support network.

@MissAmbrosia

So there was a reason and a trigger for this. Why you didn't have this conversation on Sunday is totally beyond me.

Because friend didn't bother to contact OP on Sunday to apologise and explain?

@MissAmbrosia

Why would she apologise if she really believed it to be true? And then OP left her there after initially offering a lift home probably reinforcing the message that OP is not a good friend.

Why believe it to be true just because new man - who had bugger all in terms of evidence - says so? Surely any genuine friend of OP would, at the very least, have either raised it directly with OP or tried to check elsewhere, e.g. with the other friends?

There is simply no scenario where her conduct in the restaurant did not call for an apology.

It will blow over. Tell her that you love her as a friend, everyone will forget about it and that you have only paid for her when it was expedient and was only small amounts only and of no consequence.
If she knows that you value her as a long-standing friend and confidante and that you have forgotten her outburst and will never refer to it again, and never had mentioned it to your group of friends, she may feel better about things. Don't lose your closest friend over such rubbish.

@MissAmbrosia - what on earth is your beef?

So she believes a man she has been seeing for a few months about the behaviour of a friend she has known for decades. That is not an excuse, it actually makes the whole thing worse, trying to blame someone else. I agree with a pp - she doesn't deserve you. I would be cutting her off and never speaking to her again if I were in your situation, you are much nicer than I am.

@searchingforsomethiing

An update for anyone who’s still interested 😬

My friend phoned me at lunchtime to (I suppose) explain her meltdown. For the past couple of months she’s been seeing a man who we kind of know from years ago. I knew she’d seen him a couple of times in January but since then she’s been kind of shy about any further questioning and I hate probing folk for information if they don’t want to tell and with all the stuff going on with MIL etc I haven’t been having deep and meaningfuls with many friends. Anyway, it turns out she stupidly mentioned to him that I had given her money in the past and that I’d been doing her shopping. For whatever reasons, this guy has started saying to her that there’s no way I’d have been keeping that quiet and he wouldn’t be surprised if I had been telling all and sundry. Seemed pretty persistent from what I gather and always in her ear about it. Obviously there’s no evidence of this because it never happened but I think this guy is an arsehole who’s been trying to make sure she gets rid of pals. Could be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting.
I do remember him from years ago and I was a bit meh about him.
Anyway, I explained that not a soul had been told not even my husband but was honest that he does know now since I told him after Saturday’s episode.
She did apologise and I’m hoping what she’s saying is the truth. I’ve said to her that while I completely accept the apology and her truthfulness I’m still hurt by it.
I said to her that I think this guy is a dick and it’s up to her what she does with him but I’d rather not have anything to do with him If these are the lies he tells and the trouble he causes.

We’ve left it amicable and I hope we patch things up.

Ah, that's interesting. A man with a red flag.

I'm glad you've left it amicable and I hope you do manage to patch it up.

@FartNRoses

Hmmmm…. Am I the only one who’s a bit sceptical? Pretty convenient and easy to blame it on another isn’t it? Also, what has you giving her money got to do with him? Plus it took her a few days to get back to you! Probably needed time to come up with a story! Oh and don’t forget the first and only text she sent you? No apology! If she was telling you the truth she would’ve called you up the next day, apologised and explained her story (truth or not)

Agreed. She’s probably panicking the gravy train is ending and doing damage limitation.

[quote searchingforsomethiing]@MissAmbrosia again, and I’ll say it louder for people in the back, I excused myself from table calmly.

The more I think about it the more I think whatever triggered her behaviour is irrelevant. You don’t lose the plot publicly and embarrass yourself over something that didn’t happen. Alcohol isn’t an excuse, mental health isn’t an excuse. It was poor behaviour and to be honest it was a pretty low thing to do. Again, with the benefit of speaking to my DH and reading on here, I won’t be chasing someone or trying to understand their behaviour when their opinions of me are so low.[/quote]
This 100%.
Years ago I helped an old friend who was in dire financial straits with a substantial amount of cash. Not once has she ever said one ‘off’ word or been ‘funny’ with me - we are still just as good friends as ever.

If she had, I would have been extremely hurt and upset, and I doubt the friendship would have survived.

I agree with @FartNRoses and @Indicatrice.

Shades of "He made me do it, Miss."
🤔

Maybe she is using him as an excuse.

Who knows.

The chilling thought that the new boyfriend might indeed be working to isolate her from her friends would make me think twice about cutting contact completely.

Frustratingly, it often takes a long time for women to wake up to what is happening and then eventually manage to get away.

Another vote for the Lundy Bancroft book, link to a fred copy here

I'm with the sceptics here.

All those many years of kindness and some guy pours a bit of poison in her ear and she's embarrassing you in public.

Whatever🙄.

I like to believe the best in people but I certainly wouldn't be rushing back to be in close contact with someone who would think so little of me so easily, and have such a lack of judgement as to take a pop at me the way she did.

Her lack of apology for days and her first attempt at blaming the OP, with a lie that she then dismissed with another explanation, makes me think she is not the person who the OP thought she was.

I hope the OP, whom I believe was a very good friend to this woman, pulls well back and protects herself.

When people show me who they are, I believe them.

I would not be able to trust her ever again.

Sure, go out and have an evening with her to make it ok as a group, but as for one on one, I would let that drift.

Hmm a few days later and she comes out with it wasnt me its my boyfriend who thinks this

why did she say originally it was because you were being distant then

@Sisisimone

In this thread OP has spoken much about amounts of cash and nice presents and presents herself as such a generous benefactor but not one single concern about what made her friend of 30 years come out with all this "vitriol" on a nice night out. Not one single thought. It's all about OP and her generosity This is definitely what struck me when reading this thread. If a good friend of 30 years had acted completely out if character and basically had a meltdown in a restaurant I'd assume that something was deeply wrong not send an aggressive text asking for all my money to be repaid. Absolutely no thought whatsoever from the OP about why the friend would suddenly explode like this. I guess some people just have no people skills or don't value friendship beyond the superficial

This is exactly what I meant by an earlier comment that OP isn't allowed to have an emotional outburst.

She could undoubtedly have dealt with this less stridently. But maybe, as her friend was also upset (for whatever reason) and blurted out a lie, then OP was also upset.

It's all very well coming to a thread as a completely isolated third party and saying OP has no people skills - in reality, who actually knows how they might have reacted to something that so shocked and upset them? It's disingenuous at best to claim that you'd be thoughtfully considering what was upsetting your friend to make such an outrageous claim when you have no idea!

(Also, can't recall and can't scroll back whilst posting - but if alcohol explains or excuses the friends behaviour - then maybe it excuses OPs? Maybe she was still drunk and furious? Maybe several days later she's calmed down???)

@SquirrelG

So she believes a man she has been seeing for a few months about the behaviour of a friend she has known for decades. That is not an excuse, it actually makes the whole thing worse, trying to blame someone else. I agree with a pp - she doesn't deserve you. I would be cutting her off and never speaking to her again if I were in your situation, you are much nicer than I am.

Totally agree.