Page 27 | To be gobsmacked at friend

searchingforsomethiing · 2022-03-28T14:08:48+00:00

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school. My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with. Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while. Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others. It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy. I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join. I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

LollyLol · 30/03/2022 06:43

Your "friend" is bang out of order. The outburst is one thing, the lack of apology is shameful. Your texts since then are totally reasonable.

The sad thing would be if it split your group of friends. I'd approach one of your other 4 friends and ask them to set up something for all six of you to meet up again. Make it somewhere cheap with no alcohol, maybe a walk together in parkland followed by cafe brunch. At this point there's no need to actively pursue her friendship, but equally you don't need to burn her. You won't feel so angry about it in a few months or years; it may never be quite the same friendship but you will get past it.

summerin69 · 30/03/2022 06:51

This is all about her own insecurities. My nan used to say "neither a borrower or a lender be" for exactly this reason... It's a lovely thing you've done for her but in many ways, I guess she feels awful that she has had to be in the position to accept help from you. She's projecting. When she says "you think she's a charity case" - she really means she feels she's a charity case and feels awful about it. Hurt people hurt people. She got drunk and lashed out.

There's no excuse for her behaviour - but if you have been friends for such a long time, then it would be a shame to lose that friendship over this. It's an opportunity to talk together and work out what's been going on. Yes, it would be easy to walk away and break the friendship - but there's also a chance to really grow closer if both of you are honest about how you feel.

I think it's worth having a chat with her. She might be feeling so embarrassed and is waiting for you to reach out. If she isn't apologetic about how she's behaved then there's your answer. Good luck.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/03/2022 06:56

@thing47

There's always two sides, then somewhere in the middle lies the truth

Arrant nonsense. Sometimes one side is just right and one side is plain wrong. We don't necessarily always know which, but that isn't the same as implying both sides are always equal.

It's not nonsense at all. Unless you're hearing the events from an independent party, you're very unlikely to get the truth, because people see things from their own perspective and very rarely report how things happened 💯 factually.

5128gap · 30/03/2022 06:57

I think anyone wanting to approach this with any balance, diffuse the histrionics or suggest there may be more to this seemingly unfathomable outburst is going to find the OP ('s supporters?) Strongly holding the line. Giving someone £400 over several years, buying presents for their children and giving them a lift equals 'classy' 'fabulous friend' fully entitled to withdraw her bounty when displeased. Getting drunk and saying you think said friend thinks you're a charity case and has told other people equals person who should be 'dead to you' for her 'vile slander and vitriol'. Its ridiculous hyperbole that, if genuine, I'd expect from 16 year olds with a crush on the rich girl, and a penchant for excluding people.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/03/2022 07:13

@Billybagpuss

Was there any response to the second text?

If there is we’ll get a one sentence half arsed summary of it. Followed by the OP’s response to it, in full, with justifications.

Sisisimone · 30/03/2022 07:16

@5128gap

I think anyone wanting to approach this with any balance, diffuse the histrionics or suggest there may be more to this seemingly unfathomable outburst is going to find the OP ('s supporters?) Strongly holding the line. Giving someone £400 over several years, buying presents for their children and giving them a lift equals 'classy' 'fabulous friend' fully entitled to withdraw her bounty when displeased. Getting drunk and saying you think said friend thinks you're a charity case and has told other people equals person who should be 'dead to you' for her 'vile slander and vitriol'. Its ridiculous hyperbole that, if genuine, I'd expect from 16 year olds with a crush on the rich girl, and a penchant for excluding people.

Well said

Trixiefirecracker · 30/03/2022 07:20

@5128gap well, that’s a bit of a leap 😂

LaDamaDeElche · 30/03/2022 07:27

5128Gap I agree with you. If I were in this situation, I be pissed off and hurt that my friend had behaved like that, but if she had been an otherwise good friend with no form for this kind of thing over the last 30 years, I'd be handling this situation very differently. If it was another thing in a line of bad behaviour, then fine, the friendship is not worth salvaging.

On MN it's like people can never make a mistake. I wonder if all the people who are like "cut her off" have ever made a mistake or behaved badly themselves. As adults, the conversation about why what happened happened should have been done face to face, or at least over the phone, not by text. Some people don't apologise immediately, especially when alcohol is involved as they are ashamed. The message the OP sent afterwards was only ever going to get a defensive response, rather than an apology or a proper explanation why the friend behaved as she did. Could have just been the drink or it could have been that she genuinely feels something has been implied/said
by the OP about her helping her and she had this in her head and the alcohol brought it all out. Who knows? We have one side of the story and now the OP will probably never know either as that's a 30 year friendship down the drain. If my friend was generally an ungrateful dick who was holding things against me unfairly for no reason, or if I'd unintentionally made her feel a certain way is something I'd want to get to the bottom of before I shut the door on such a long friendship, but it seems I'm in the MN minority in that one.

LittleMissMe99 · 30/03/2022 07:41

I think she likely feels embarrassed and ashamed and the alcohol brought that all out. She wasn't really being malicious. No one likes to be thought of as a charity case....and whilst she was probably very grateful, it doesn't mean she didn't feel shame.

BorderlineHappy · 30/03/2022 07:57

@LaDamaDeElche Everyone makes mistakes,it's the way you handle yourself after is what really matters.

No apology,only digging her heels in more.
That's probably what pissed off the op more

GreenFingeredNell15 · 30/03/2022 07:57

@LaDamaDeElche

5128Gap I agree with you. If I were in this situation, I be pissed off and hurt that my friend had behaved like that, but if she had been an otherwise good friend with no form for this kind of thing over the last 30 years, I'd be handling this situation very differently. If it was another thing in a line of bad behaviour, then fine, the friendship is not worth salvaging.

On MN it's like people can never make a mistake. I wonder if all the people who are like "cut her off" have ever made a mistake or behaved badly themselves. As adults, the conversation about why what happened happened should have been done face to face, or at least over the phone, not by text. Some people don't apologise immediately, especially when alcohol is involved as they are ashamed. The message the OP sent afterwards was only ever going to get a defensive response, rather than an apology or a proper explanation why the friend behaved as she did. Could have just been the drink or it could have been that she genuinely feels something has been implied/said
by the OP about her helping her and she had this in her head and the alcohol brought it all out. Who knows? We have one side of the story and now the OP will probably never know either as that's a 30 year friendship down the drain. If my friend was generally an ungrateful dick who was holding things against me unfairly for no reason, or if I'd unintentionally made her feel a certain way is something I'd want to get to the bottom of before I shut the door on such a long friendship, but it seems I'm in the MN minority in that one.

I agree. It seems to me that making a mistake is a hanging offence on MN.

30 years down the pan because drunk friend was an utter dick on one occasion and lender friend couldn't bear being embarrassed and maligned on one occasion

Weird 🙄

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 07:59

None of my friends have done anything remotely like that

DoctorManhattan · 30/03/2022 07:59

What’s the saying, no good deed goes unpunished?

I think your friend is totally out of order and am surprised you haven’t yet had a complete apology from her. You helped her out when she needed it, didn’t tell anyone, didn’t want paid back, and she thanks you by making a scene in public accusing you of this and that.

Maybe she does feel like a charity case and there’s some kind of annoyance on her part at the situation. But that doesn’t excuse her outburst or lack of apology - you didn’t cause her situation, only tried to help her out of it at times.

browneyes77 · 30/03/2022 08:03

@LittleMissMe99

I think she likely feels embarrassed and ashamed and the alcohol brought that all out. She wasn't really being malicious. No one likes to be thought of as a charity case....and whilst she was probably very grateful, it doesn't mean she didn't feel shame.

Wasn’t being malicious?

She called the OP a gossip and a liar.

If my friend had been helping me out financially over the years and I felt shame about accepting her help, I would’ve had a private discussion with that friend before now, to tell her that it didn’t sit right with me that I’d had so much money off her and that I wanted to pay her back, so I didn’t feel like so much of a charity case. That is the only thing that would relieve my shame and embarrassment. And I wouldn’t have kept accepting her financial assistance.

I would not get drunk and shout nasty accusations to that friend across a public dinner table.

Trixiefirecracker · 30/03/2022 08:12

@GreenFingeredNell15 it wasn’t one occasion though was it? She had a chance to apologise to the OP in her text reply but completely swerved it. I think had she done this things might have been forgiven but it has escalated now.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 30/03/2022 08:16

[quote Trixiefirecracker]@GreenFingeredNell15 it wasn’t one occasion though was it? She had a chance to apologise to the OP in her text reply but completely swerved it. I think had she done this things might have been forgiven but it has escalated now.[/quote]

And if Lender Friend (OP) had done things differently the escalation might not have happened.

Drunk friend was a dick. I'm not questioning that. What I'm saying is that if I had been Lender Friend I wouldn't have let it escalate. I would have reacted differently.

30 years is a lot of time to throw away. I'd rather be happy than right, as the saying goes.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/03/2022 08:21

@Momicrone

None of my friends have done anything remotely like that

I don't think the OP's friend had done anything remotely like that either in the last 30 years. That's why I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and at least try to find out what was behind it all before I sent messages putting the nail in the coffin of a 30 year friendship.

browneyes77 · 30/03/2022 08:23

@Anniefrenchfry

if you make loud unsubstantiated and frankly slanderous claims that I’m a gossip and a liar in public then refuse to apologise what am I to do?

I think this is all a bit much you’re not in court, your mate got pissed and had a go, said you thought she was a charity case and had told your other mates about giving her money, you’d think she’d accused you of beating her granny and stealing her first born with this sort of statement.

Your fury is palpable though and it does read like you absolutely hate her guts. Becayse you clearly do and there is more to it than the wonderful friendship that has went nuclear like this simply as she drunkenly said at dinner you thought she was a charity case and had told the others. Scorched earth doesn’t even describe how you’ve reacted, it’s an under statement.

It’s interesting that you say all this now, yet initially you had this to say:

Then I think you need to cut the relationship dead. Did anyone correct her on the night?

And then this:

Well done. In this instance I think thr message was appropriate. I wonder if she will respond or just compound and ignore you,

That’s quite a U-turn you’ve done.

Obviously you can change your view about something on reflection. However you’ve gone from supporting the OP and her handling of the situation, to seemingly attacking her for it. So I don’t think you can really claim any moral high ground over the OP or anyone else’s view, here.

BorderlineHappy · 30/03/2022 08:25

And if Lender Friend (OP) had done things differently the escalation might not have happened.
And if Drunk Friend hadn't opened her gob,this wouldn't have happened.
@GreenFingeredNell15
The one that started this is the one at fault,not the op.

DoctorMarten · 30/03/2022 08:41

Not being funny, but Drunk Friend didn't have to take the money! She took it and spent it on several occasions and let the OP shop for her. Some could argue she was taking the piss/ behaving like a charity case!

She's acted with zero grace and you could say that if she had a problem, she should have raised it if she valued the 30-year friendship! Cannot believe the flack OP is getting.

WalkerGirl21 · 30/03/2022 08:47

I wonder if this is one of those situations where someone has said something - probably innocently - which your friend has interpreted as a dig about her taking money from you because she feels guilty about it?

For her to say that in front of the whole group, she has to be fairly confident that some or all of your friends had been talking about her, I just can't see someone doing this if they didn't genuinely believe in what they were saying.

In your shoes, I would HAVE to know why she reached the conclusion that she did. I think it's definitely worth a message saying "Hey, for the record, I never even told my husband about the money, never mind any of our friends. I would really appreciate it if you could tell me why you reached the conclusion that you did, because right now I'm extremely hurt and confused - it's a horrible feeling to think that my close friends have been gossiping about me while I've done nothing to deserve it".

Anniefrenchfry · 30/03/2022 08:48

People can only go on what the op has written and from what she’s written, as many people have pointed out, she sounds wonderful.

Which does make it very confusing that with no previous and that it is her best friend, from childhood even, and over thirty years as best friends, that the op took no time to understand what caused this one off drunken outburst but went for total scorched earth and used awfully venomous words about her, like destroy thr witch.

I think that’s what many people are struggling with.

In my experience people don’t apologise usually after a drunken argument because either absolutely they know they are right or they can’t remember, the latter is clearly not the case here.

The ops saying nothing at the time in front of the other friends (one of all of whom would have known the truth); then the furious reaction does make me wonder if the op did tell, she’s furious and embarrassed to have been found out and didn’t want to lie in front of the others In case one of them said yes you did, so left.

Something isn’t right here and simoly doesn’t stack up, but people can only go on what the op says, howver if the woman was right and someone had told her what the op had been saying it would explain both the woman not apologising, and also the ops fury and saying nothing at the time.

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 08:51

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U2HasTheEdge · 30/03/2022 08:51

@5128gap

I think anyone wanting to approach this with any balance, diffuse the histrionics or suggest there may be more to this seemingly unfathomable outburst is going to find the OP ('s supporters?) Strongly holding the line. Giving someone £400 over several years, buying presents for their children and giving them a lift equals 'classy' 'fabulous friend' fully entitled to withdraw her bounty when displeased. Getting drunk and saying you think said friend thinks you're a charity case and has told other people equals person who should be 'dead to you' for her 'vile slander and vitriol'. Its ridiculous hyperbole that, if genuine, I'd expect from 16 year olds with a crush on the rich girl, and a penchant for excluding people.

Great post.

You see it often on MN, OPs getting swept along by other posters who like a bit of drama.

The OPs friend was clearly wrong for what she said, but it wasn't slander, or anything so dramatic. The only person that looked silly in that situation was the friend.

I would probably have been a little bit hurt and embarrassed, but I would also want to know what was going on with her. I wouldn't throw away a friendship because someone acted a bit shit when they had been drinking.

It's a shame, a 30 year friendship thrown away because of one stupid episode of drunken behaviour. She may have apologised given a bit more time, she may not have remebered much.

All of this could have been resolved by talking to her. That would not have made an exciting thread, I guess.

DoctorMarten · 30/03/2022 08:57