To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

Resentment is a very powerful emotion + one we underestimate unfortunately. I'm really sorry your good deeds were interpreted this way. You have been a good friend. My suggestion is that you do what's app her (don't let it fester) and say you are embarrassed by being "outed" and that you need to move on now. If she has sobered she will apologise. Outbursts do happen. Let it go if you can.

Which does make it very confusing that with no previous and that it is her best friend, from childhood even, and over thirty years as best friends, that the op took no time to understand what caused this one off drunken outburst but went for total scorched earth and used awfully venomous words about her, like destroy thr witch.

But not everyone reacts on the way you may react.

The OP said she was shocked and angry at the outburst. Some of us would’ve addressed it there and then (which could’ve escalated an already awkward situation). The OP took herself off to calm down to avoid losing her shit.

Often things can simmer once we’re back at home and we get even more worked up, especially when after 2 days that person still isn’t forthcoming with any explanation or apology.

Some people may feel they shouldn’t have to ask what caused the outburst and would expect their friend to approach them with an explanation and apology and wouldn’t necessarily assume that friend had forgotten kicking off because they were drunk. We don’t know how drunk the OP’s friend was. Was it obliterated can’t remember anything drunk? Or was it had a little too much, without being completely inebriated and woke up with flashbacks/memory of the evening drunk?

It’s fine if some people would want to understand the cause and salvage the friendship. Others wouldn’t. It would be a complete deal breaker for them.

I wouldn’t have handled it in the same way OP did. But it doesn’t mean I think she was spectacularly wrong for dealing with it in the way she did. She was clearly very hurt and her responses are indicative of that.

It sounds like from her very first post OP was super hurt about this, to the point she was already considering ending the friendship. Some people have very strict boundaries when it comes to friendship, that may seem harsh to others, but that they have their reasons for.

But if OP had stayed, there would have been a very embarrassing argument in public. Not everyone is comfortable with confrontation, especially when it's out of the blue and pretty left field

It was already very embarrassing apparently and no one said she should have stayed, and the op has been very clear, it wasn’t fear of confrontation, she said she walked away as she was going to “destroy the witch”

[quote Trixiefirecracker]@5128gap well, that’s a bit of a leap 😂[/quote]
I don't think it is. Its very reminiscent of a school girl argument. Everyone rushing to fawn over one party in disproprtionate displays of outrage, fueling the fire and ramping up the drama, gleefully encouraging them to prolong hostilities. There's an unpleasant mean girls air about it, which I would have thought the demographic of people on here might have outgrown.

What you describe is bizarre and must have been v unpleasant.

I don't like your messages though.

People seem to get themselves so tangled up in preparing what they think are assertive messages but they just sound pompous.

Why don't people just be honest?

Say, hey I was really shocked by your outburst at dinner, too shocked to be able to address it at the time.

I don't understand your anger or accusations, or the point of raising it during dinner with friends.

At the moment it is difficult to imagine our friendship surviving this.

Just so you know, I have never discussed the money thing with anyone.

@DoctorMarten the OP has said repeatedly that she is comfortable with confrontation and prides herself on being “assertive”. So I’m not sure your assertions stack up.

@BitOutOfPractice, wasn't the OP good to excuse herself then as she knows she can be assertive but was facing shock too?
I can be assertive, but know that if I'm feeling overwhelming feelings rather than being assertive I can feel defensive and step into verbally aggressive (not physically).
OPs messages were very assertive, but I can understand this as the 'friend' didn't apologise and made it worse by blaming OP by suggesting she was being distant.

@Marmite17

You knew that she was struggling financially and could have arranged a coffee morning at your house for a catch up with other friends invited.

What on earth? There is no indication that it was even OP who arranged this get-together. Nor is it the case that OP knows she is struggling financially - she's said the friend is on an even keel financially now, the gifts were in the past.

The capacity of MNers to make up facts never ceases to astonish me.

Maybe if you had waited a bit longer before firing off your first message, the other girls could have reminded her what she had said, how badly it came across - and you would have then got the apology and explanation you wanted and deserved. Maybe you caught her on the back foot with that first message and she reacted with the pathetic excuse whilst scrambling around trying to get the details of how offensive she had been from the others.

OP gave her two days, @LAMPS1. Don't you think that was enough time for all of that to have happened? How long was OP supposed to wait?

@5128gap

I think anyone wanting to approach this with any balance, diffuse the histrionics or suggest there may be more to this seemingly unfathomable outburst is going to find the OP ('s supporters?) Strongly holding the line. Giving someone £400 over several years, buying presents for their children and giving them a lift equals 'classy' 'fabulous friend' fully entitled to withdraw her bounty when displeased. Getting drunk and saying you think said friend thinks you're a charity case and has told other people equals person who should be 'dead to you' for her 'vile slander and vitriol'. Its ridiculous hyperbole that, if genuine, I'd expect from 16 year olds with a crush on the rich girl, and a penchant for excluding people.

Yet again, you are twisting and omitting facts to support your argument. OP gave her friend £400+ over two years, not several years. The issue wasn't simply that she said OP thought her a charity case and had told others, it was that she was loudly vitriolic about OP in public.

Yet again you have missed out the fact that friend had two days before OP even contacted her in which she could have apologised, and failed to do so.

@Enough4me everyone is keen to come up with reasons and excuses for the OP's behaviour. Yet nobody seems interested in the reasons and excuses for the friend's (admittedly poor) behaviour. It's all condemnation and "cut her off"! I think that's sad after a long and close friendship. And I think we have only heard one very biased side of the story and something is not sitting right for me.

@Anniefrenchfry

But if OP had stayed, there would have been a very embarrassing argument in public. Not everyone is comfortable with confrontation, especially when it's out of the blue and pretty left field

It was already very embarrassing apparently and no one said she should have stayed, and the op has been very clear, it wasn’t fear of confrontation, she said she walked away as she was going to “destroy the witch”

Well, not quite. She walked away to control her immediate reaction, which I suspect is one that most people would have had to a sudden unprovoked vitriolic attack. But then she went back to the table, where it appears friend was still causing a difficult atmosphere.

@BitOutOfPractice I'm not giving OP excuses, I believe her and empathise as wouldn't want to be in her position.

We are hearing one side, but that's normal on MN and we have to go with what we see; we could imagine anything otherwise!

I'm not sure if everyone is saying 'cut her off', she appears to have selected to walk away by not apologising.

The friend had 2 days to apologise and chose not to. She could have apologised after the first text. She chose not to. She could have apologised after the second text. She chose not to even reply. She clearly doesn't value this long friendship yet the op is supposed to? The op is not the bad guy here. How much of a doormat is a woman supposed to be?

@IncompleteSenten

The friend had 2 days to apologise and chose not to. She could have apologised after the first text. She chose not to. She could have apologised after the second text. She chose not to even reply. She clearly doesn't value this long friendship yet the op is supposed to? The op is not the bad guy here. How much of a doormat is a woman supposed to be?

Unless the op did tell and she knows it for sure…

@Anniefrenchfry we could imagine anything. We are feeding back on what we have read.

As with all threads, we only have the information given. Unless one of her friends turns up on the thread and confirms the op told them we can either go on the ops version or make up our own. 🤷‍♀️

Unless those dots are meant to suggest you are one of the friends and the op did tell you, of course 😁

[quote BitOutOfPractice]@Enough4me everyone is keen to come up with reasons and excuses for the OP's behaviour. Yet nobody seems interested in the reasons and excuses for the friend's (admittedly poor) behaviour. It's all condemnation and "cut her off"! I think that's sad after a long and close friendship. And I think we have only heard one very biased side of the story and something is not sitting right for me.[/quote]
That isn’t true though is it?

I’ve seen plenty of people on here trying to put reasons forward for why the friend behaved the way she did.

There are plenty of people speculating why the friend behaved appallingly, equally with no thought for why the OP responded in the way she did.

@Anniefrenchfry were you going to say "...but, overall, I was annoyed to no longer receive free money"?
Was this thread going another way?

Unless the op did tell and she knows it for sure…

That would kind of make this entire thread redundant. Because it would be pretty pointless for the OP to come on and talk about her friend reacting that way, if she hands down knew she’d lied to her friend in the first place and caused her to react that way.

OP hasn’t given us any reason so far to think she did this. Even telling us that despite the other friends asking, she’s still not given them details. The entire thread has been about how hurt she is for being accused of something she hasn’t done. If she’d done it, then making this thread wouldn’t have been necessary.

So this feels like a bit of a straw man argument to make.

OP I think you have called this absolutely correctly. No good deed goes unpunished and all that, I’m sad for you that your friend showed herself to be a dick.

I'm twisting nothing Ethel. I'm commenting on what I've read (albeit mistaking £400 over two years, for several years, which makes no appreciable difference to my point.)
As for being 'loudly vitriolic' in public, unless ive missed the details, this is completely meaningless as we don't know what the 'vitriol' consisted of. The OP has been extremely detailed for the most part. Yet all we know is her friend said she thought the OP saw her as a charity case and had told other people she gave her money. The vague, deal breaking 'slanderous vitriol' that followed has been left entirely to our imaginations.
Clearly some people are happy to oblige the OP by filling in the gaps themselves to make it the worst possible scenario, but I can't take into account additional things if I don't know what they are.

@5128gap
"...all we know is her friend said she thought the OP saw her as a charity case and had told other people she gave her money"

Is that not enough?
Did you think these acusations should be ignored?

[quote Enough4me]@5128gap
"...all we know is her friend said she thought the OP saw her as a charity case and had told other people she gave her money"

Is that not enough?
Did you think these acusations should be ignored?[/quote]
They weren't addressed though. The OP still has no idea why she thinks/said this and we have no idea if the OP is being 💯 truthful. We've heard one side of a story. Seems weird to be throwing around such accusations for no reason if she's been an otherwise good friend for the last 30 years. Either the OP is lying, the friend has had a total character change, friend has had an alcohol blackout or friend has misinterpreted an innocent comment someone has made and thought the OP had been talking about her. We are all just speculating and any of these scenarios could be possible.