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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at friend

794 replies

searchingforsomethiing · 28/03/2022 15:08

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

OP posts:
Shelaydownunderthetable · 30/03/2022 16:28

Thanks for the update, OP. The boyfriend sounds like a real dick and is trying to isolate her from her friends. Hope it doesn’t last and hope she makes further amends.

Original poster
searchingforsomethiing · 30/03/2022 16:55

Tbf I hadn’t said to her that I wasn’t keen. I hadn’t enthused about him either. Was very neutral on him when she mentioned she’d seen him a couple of times. Like I said, it was years ago I knew him when we were all young, silly and perpetually drunk so I was willing to accept that perhaps he’d grown up a bit.

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 30/03/2022 17:56

wow! Nuts.

Proudofmynane · 30/03/2022 18:08

Ummmm what kind of pal takes that huge amount of money from another pal?? Why did you feel you had to keep financing her just because you have a good job? The whole thing is crazy.

Ambition9to5 · 30/03/2022 18:19

You sound really mature @searchingforsomething
She's lucky to have you and your mutual friends qnd i hope she's not going to trade good good friends for s9me dickhead

browneyes77 · 30/03/2022 18:19

Well that explanation makes far more sense than her first one!

And if that is the truth, then my first instinct on this guy was ‘red flag’ - trying to drive a wedge and disconnect her from friends.

But also why she would give him more credence than your 30 year friendship is beyond me. But then some people are very good at manipulating others and getting into their head I guess.

Ambition9to5 · 30/03/2022 18:21

My abusive x hated my friends who were all good people. He had a disparaging name for all of them. Why i didnt dump him immediately i will never 100% understand.

beenaroundtheblox · 30/03/2022 18:28

@spacehardware

She's a sloppy drunk and clearly resents your kindness.

I would send her one text saying her behaviour was mortifying and you will await her apology. If she is appropriately sorry then I'd think about it. Otherwise finito

Somebody saying they'd 'await my apology' would never get one. It may very well be deserved but that's just trying to get someone's back up!
Seraphinesupport · 30/03/2022 18:41

so shes suddenly sorry once she finds out you wont be helping her out anymore and never said anything in the first place Sorry OP but i would throw this one away. Shes no good,

crazeelala2u · 30/03/2022 19:05

@searchingforsomethiing

An update for anyone who’s still interested 😬

My friend phoned me at lunchtime to (I suppose) explain her meltdown. For the past couple of months she’s been seeing a man who we kind of know from years ago. I knew she’d seen him a couple of times in January but since then she’s been kind of shy about any further questioning and I hate probing folk for information if they don’t want to tell and with all the stuff going on with MIL etc I haven’t been having deep and meaningfuls with many friends. Anyway, it turns out she stupidly mentioned to him that I had given her money in the past and that I’d been doing her shopping. For whatever reasons, this guy has started saying to her that there’s no way I’d have been keeping that quiet and he wouldn’t be surprised if I had been telling all and sundry. Seemed pretty persistent from what I gather and always in her ear about it. Obviously there’s no evidence of this because it never happened but I think this guy is an arsehole who’s been trying to make sure she gets rid of pals. Could be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting.
I do remember him from years ago and I was a bit meh about him.
Anyway, I explained that not a soul had been told not even my husband but was honest that he does know now since I told him after Saturday’s episode.
She did apologise and I’m hoping what she’s saying is the truth. I’ve said to her that while I completely accept the apology and her truthfulness I’m still hurt by it.
I said to her that I think this guy is a dick and it’s up to her what she does with him but I’d rather not have anything to do with him If these are the lies he tells and the trouble he causes.

We’ve left it amicable and I hope we patch things up.

When I was in a women's shelter for domestic violence with my kids I had to take a class to learn about recognizing abuse in relationships. This is one of the very first things they teach you, along with them telling you that you shouldn't wear something or act a certain way. It's a way of getting people to alienate themselves. Hopefully she figures it out and gets away from him and you can save the friendship.
MissAmbrosia · 30/03/2022 20:14

So there was a reason and a trigger for this. Why you didn't have this conversation on Sunday is totally beyond me.

Jacopo · 30/03/2022 20:18

@MissAmbrosia the “friend” could and should have initiated the conversation on Sunday. Not the OP, who has done nothing wrong.

RonSwansonsChair · 30/03/2022 20:24

Glad you've gotten to the bottom of it. Let her think on it and hopefully she'll realise he's a manipulative dickhead

Booboobagins · 30/03/2022 20:40

@Anniefrenchfry

Had you been telling people? Clearly the issue here is she thinks you have.
OP clearly set out the shock in the room, so how coukd she have told them?????
phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 20:57

But also why she would give him more credence than your 30 year friendship is beyond me. But then some people are very good at manipulating others and getting into their head I guess.

I think she was likely insecure beforehand and he picked up on it, but if it was supposed to be a secret between her and OP, why tell him?

LBFseBrom · 30/03/2022 20:58

I'm glad you've had an explanation and apology, op. I know you are still hurt and shocked but that does go some way to healing. What you said in response was spot on.

grapewines · 30/03/2022 21:01

She should have said this on Sunday. Stupid to come up with excuses.

MissAmbrosia · 30/03/2022 21:05

[quote Jacopo]@MissAmbrosia the “friend” could and should have initiated the conversation on Sunday. Not the OP, who has done nothing wrong.[/quote]
Well of course she could, no-one is saying she is in the right here. But it sounds like she's being manipulated by the new bloke and Op could have got to the bottom of it really quickly had she just asked. Like you normally would with people you have know that long. I have a friend, who we all helped to escape from an abusive relationship. She went straight into another one, where new bloke isolated her from everyone. Despite all efforts, she's now moved away with him and we don't see her anymore. I still think of her all the time and worry. I wish I had tried even harder at the time. :(

MissAmbrosia · 30/03/2022 21:07

Why would she apologise if she really believed it to be true? And then OP left her there after initially offering a lift home probably reinforcing the message that OP is not a good friend.

DefiniteTortoise · 30/03/2022 21:14

It sounds like it has taken your friend a few days to simmer down OP. She has likely compared the obvious shock in the room and your messages to her with the poison that this guy has been dripping in her ear, and realised both parties can't be telling the truth. That won't have been the most comfortable realisation, hence the time needed to adjust to it.

Hopefully you both can find a way forward from here.

phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 21:18
  • Why would she apologise if she really believed it to be true? And then OP left her there after initially offering a lift home probably reinforcing the message that OP is not a good friend.

OP said friend was still angry with her after her outburst so why should OP after being embarrassed and humiliated in front of their friends and an entire restaurant have driven this irste friend back. You act as if OP left her alone by herself when there were other friends there.

phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 21:19

*irate

phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 21:20

Also, who is to say this friend wanted OP to drive her back. Should OP have forced her to if she had said no?

SpringHasSprungYay · 30/03/2022 21:42

She sounds a bit depressed op. Depressed people can be very negative snd self-involved.
Sorry. You sound like a kind person.

browneyes77 · 30/03/2022 21:42

@phoenixrosehere

But also why she would give him more credence than your 30 year friendship is beyond me. But then some people are very good at manipulating others and getting into their head I guess.

I think she was likely insecure beforehand and he picked up on it, but if it was supposed to be a secret between her and OP, why tell him?

Also a very good point!
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