To be gobsmacked at friend

[searchingforsomethiing]

I am part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) we are all 40 and have known each other since school.

My closest friend in the group I’ve known since primary school. She’s struggled with money in the past due to various things and I’ve always helped her out. I’m in a reasonably high paid job and I’ve given her money and been explicit that a) I didn’t want it back and b) it was between us and not to say it our friends which she was always in agreement with.

Over the past couple of years I’ve given her probably in the region of £400 and done a lot of shopping for her as well get her kids good birthday and Christmas presents. Again there’s no expectation of this in return and I’m glad to help where I can. She’s on a more even keel these days so I haven’t helped in a little while.

Cut to Saturday night, and we were out for dinner with all the other girls. My friend had a bit to drink and announced to the table loudly and that I’d been giving her money because I thought she was a “charity case” and she knew I’d been telling them all privately what I’d been doing. She was really vitriolic about it. I was absolutely mortified and so were the others.

It was incredibly awkward and I excused myself from the table and when I returned it was exceptionally difficult to keep any conversation going because she was obviously unhappy.

I left the meal not long after. I’d given her a lift to the restaurant and she expected one home but I left without giving her the chance to join.

I don’t even know how I feel tbh. I don’t know what came over her and I feel like the friendship is over.

I'm twisting nothing Ethel

And yet you are still carefully ignoring the fact that the friend didn't apologise, despite OP leaving it two days before contacting her.

If, as you suggest, friend had some reason for this behaviour, why keep quiet about it both before and afterwards, and why deal with it in the most offensive, public way possible? If I had behaved like that towards an old friend in public and when drunk, I would have been on the phone to her or visiting her at the first possible opportunity to apologise and, if I had an explanation, to tell her what that explanation was. And I really am not claiming any special virtue in that, surely it's what most people would do in relation to their oldest friends?

They weren't addressed though. The OP still has no idea why she thinks/said this and we have no idea if the OP is being 💯 truthful. We've heard one side of a story. Seems weird to be throwing around such accusations for no reason if she's been an otherwise good friend for the last 30 years. Either the OP is lying, the friend has had a total character change, friend has had an alcohol blackout or friend has misinterpreted an innocent comment someone has made and thought the OP had been talking about her. We are all just speculating and any of these scenarios could be possible

This is utterly pointless. If we are to respond to every social media thread by assuming we are free to make up the facts and use our fantasy versions as the basis for comments, there is really no point in bothering to respond at all, is there?

[quote Enough4me]@5128gap
"...all we know is her friend said she thought the OP saw her as a charity case and had told other people she gave her money"

Is that not enough?
Did you think these acusations should be ignored?[/quote]
No I don't. If a friend I regarded highly enough to have kept in my life for 30 years said this to me, I wouldn't ignore it. My first thought would be that it was out of character (as otherwise, she would not have been a friend so long) and to wonder what had prompted it. Its surprising to me that the OP has literally no curiosity as to why this has happened. She's just jumped straight to fight mode, whereas I would assume there was a trigger, a misunderstanding, something. On its own, those statements would not have left me as wounded as OP purports to be. She actually comes out of it rather well, as her friends now know she gave money, and presumably know she was discrete (unless she wasn't). My interest would be primarily focused on finding out what was going on, not entering into a woe is me conflab with the other friends and making the situation worse with 'harsh' texts.

We don't know if OP is being truthful, but I am assuming she is and I think her reactions to the situation were normal.

If her 'friend' was going to explain her behaviour she could have after the meal or after the emails, e.g. "sorry about last night, I'm under stress, felt paranoid, etc."

Her 'friend' doesn't need to give her an explanation, but equally OP doesn't need to put up with this CF behaviour.

I'm guessing OP is sick of hearing about it all now & wishing she'd never posted.. :-(

@mamabear715

I'm guessing OP is sick of hearing about it all now & wishing she'd never posted.. :-(

Well we're not standing in her sitting room discussing it are we? Anyone sick of the thread can easly ignore it. But I'm guessing its given the OP exactly what they wanted.

@mamabear715

I'm guessing OP is sick of hearing about it all now & wishing she'd never posted.. :-(

I really doubt that!

@EthelTheAardvark

They weren't addressed though. The OP still has no idea why she thinks/said this and we have no idea if the OP is being 💯 truthful. We've heard one side of a story. Seems weird to be throwing around such accusations for no reason if she's been an otherwise good friend for the last 30 years. Either the OP is lying, the friend has had a total character change, friend has had an alcohol blackout or friend has misinterpreted an innocent comment someone has made and thought the OP had been talking about her. We are all just speculating and any of these scenarios could be possible

This is utterly pointless. If we are to respond to every social media thread by assuming we are free to make up the facts and use our fantasy versions as the basis for comments, there is really no point in bothering to respond at all, is there?

It depends if you're capable of critical thinking or always assume that a person posting on social media, clearly looking for affirmation for their side of the story, is telling the complete truth, I guess. If it's a clear cut - this person has done x,y and z over the years and I've had enough, then that's one thing, but this isn't the case here.

No I don't. If a friend I regarded highly enough to have kept in my life for 30 years said this to me, I wouldn't ignore it. My first thought would be that it was out of character (as otherwise, she would not have been a friend so long) and to wonder what had prompted it. Its surprising to me that the OP has literally no curiosity as to why this has happened. She's just jumped straight to fight mode, whereas I would assume there was a trigger, a misunderstanding, something. On its own, those statements would not have left me as wounded as OP purports to be. She actually comes out of it rather well, as her friends now know she gave money, and presumably know she was discrete (unless she wasn't). My interest would be primarily focused on finding out what was going on, not entering into a woe is me conflab with the other friends and making the situation worse with 'harsh' texts. Totally agree. MN is like a parallel universe sometimes. Everyone is so black and white and LTB, whereas I know very few people in RL life that and the ones I do are not particularly pleasant and often quite hypocritical in that fact that they hold others to such high account, but don't behave in the way they expect others to.

Actually Ethel, no I don’t think two days is that long to give a good friend of 30 years a chance to get herself together after such an awful, unwarranted outburst. Maybe she was mortified (who wouldn’t be) and then mortified some more with each of the two messages, which lets face it, were very assertive and quite hard-edged. Maybe she’s completely wiped out with sadness and humiliation. After all OP did rub it in fairly well in her messages. Maybe OP’s friend had the hangover from hell on the first day and was just processing what had happened when she received the first frosty message. As much as we all agree a genuine apology should have been forthcoming sooner, nobody here knows do they, exactly what state the friend is in.
So I think that after all of OP’s continuous generosity with giving cash, gifts and food shopping, a little bit more generosity with some time and space … and a subsequent call would have cost nothing extra and might have been more conducive to salvaging the long friendship. As would a little less outrage and drama.
Doesn’t sound to me as if OP is that bothered about losing the friendship anyway though, -just as long as she has the moral high ground.

Why are so many people determinedly on the side of the drunk, accusing, ungrateful, and unapologetic friend? I mean I know there are a lot of pissheads on this site, but it seems unbalanced.

I am reminded of the kind poster who let a friend stay in some self-contained lodgings on her property when she was having a rough time and caught her viciously slagging her off to someone else... Sometimes people are spiteful when offered generosity.

@milkyaqua

Why are so many people determinedly on the side of the drunk, accusing, ungrateful, and unapologetic friend? I mean I know there are a lot of pissheads on this site, but it seems unbalanced.

I am reminded of the kind poster who let a friend stay in some self-contained lodgings on her property when she was having a rough time and caught her viciously slagging her off to someone else... Sometimes people are spiteful when offered generosity.

I think people are questioning why someone who had been a good friend with no previous form for this would do something like this for no apparent reason and why the OP wouldn't want to find out what's behind it before saying goodbye to a near lifelong friendship. Seems like a normal, measured response to me. Much more normal than the "cut her off immediately" responses.

@LaDamaDeElche

"I think people are questioning why someone who had been a good friend with no previous form for this would do something like this for no apparent reason"

The cause could be a brain tumour, but the individual would have had others symptoms before it got to this stage. Also one would have thought that being good friends would enable her to unburden herself to other friends and look for support.

That's that then OP, according to a few posters you are a liar and it's your fault. You get no respect for not having a go back at the time, for not telling everything to mutual friends, and for giving her 2 days to calm down and apologise.

As she's been your friend for years you should have put up and shut up. When she had a go at you, you should have apologised, perhaps sent her your savings and given yourself a whipping. It's quite obviously you and you had no right to be fed up and to question the friendship.

An update for anyone who’s still interested 😬

My friend phoned me at lunchtime to (I suppose) explain her meltdown. For the past couple of months she’s been seeing a man who we kind of know from years ago. I knew she’d seen him a couple of times in January but since then she’s been kind of shy about any further questioning and I hate probing folk for information if they don’t want to tell and with all the stuff going on with MIL etc I haven’t been having deep and meaningfuls with many friends. Anyway, it turns out she stupidly mentioned to him that I had given her money in the past and that I’d been doing her shopping. For whatever reasons, this guy has started saying to her that there’s no way I’d have been keeping that quiet and he wouldn’t be surprised if I had been telling all and sundry. Seemed pretty persistent from what I gather and always in her ear about it. Obviously there’s no evidence of this because it never happened but I think this guy is an arsehole who’s been trying to make sure she gets rid of pals. Could be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting.
I do remember him from years ago and I was a bit meh about him.
Anyway, I explained that not a soul had been told not even my husband but was honest that he does know now since I told him after Saturday’s episode.
She did apologise and I’m hoping what she’s saying is the truth. I’ve said to her that while I completely accept the apology and her truthfulness I’m still hurt by it.
I said to her that I think this guy is a dick and it’s up to her what she does with him but I’d rather not have anything to do with him If these are the lies he tells and the trouble he causes.

We’ve left it amicable and I hope we patch things up.

To be fair that would make sense in terms of her behaviour and lack of apology - because she genuinely believed him.

Well that's an update which makes sense a lot. Let's hope she ditches the boyfriend.

That’s a good update, hope she does ltb

Fair dues to you @searchingforsomethiing for keeping the channels of discussion open and your own mind open to whatever she had to say.

If what she is saying is actually happening, then it makes a lot of sense and the wine at the lunch probably gave her the gumption to try to tackle the issue as she saw it.

Fair due to you though.

That’s a great update OP, it seems like she’s being manipulated by him and it’s a massive red flag for an abusive relationship.

Hope she dumps the twat and you all patch things up

So she listened to a bloke she's been seeing for a couple of months over someone who's been a good friend for 30 years? Oh, she's one of those women, is she @searchingforsomethiing. In that case I'd probably be cooling the friendship a little while she's with him, and hoping and praying it doesn't last. Although keeping the lines of communication open, as you are.

Hmmmm…. Am I the only one who’s a bit sceptical?
Pretty convenient and easy to blame it on another isn’t it?
Also, what has you giving her money got to do with him?
Plus it took her a few days to get back to you! Probably needed time to come up with a story!
Oh and don’t forget the first and only text she sent you? No apology!
If she was telling you the truth she would’ve called you up the next day, apologised and explained her story (truth or not)

By the way OP. You sound like a fab friend. She doesn’t deserve you.

I agree. Sounds a bit convenient to blame someone you don't like anyway. Add on the original message she sent.
Anyway, you've said your piece, OP. She's offered an apology and her reasoning behind her words and behaviour. I'd stay in touch , but never to the same degree.

Maybe OP’s friend had the hangover from hell on the first day and was just processing what had happened when she received the first frosty message.

Obviously not, @LAMPS1. Look at OP's messages: this happened on Saturday, the first time OP contacted her was Monday evening - well beyond the first day.