Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

320 replies

LexieB · 28/03/2022 08:39

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

OP posts:
ExMachinaDeus · 28/03/2022 11:16

Commiserations @LexieB

But your children are already telling their father what they think of him; it’s his loss.

He can try and create another family, but he’s failed to care for his existing family. He’s a failure as a human being.

You have your beautiful children. Flowers

hangsangwitch · 28/03/2022 11:18

Ten years from now, you will have 3 adult children who love you, whose adult company you enjoy. You will spend your spare time however you like. He will be spending his evenings at school open evenings and his weekends at the playground. You will be having lovely holidays where you do as you please in adult company, he will be in the kiddy pool and eating in restaurants that serve nuggets.

She will be saddled with a grumpy old bastard who has no relationship with his first 3 children, and has no patience or energy for the younger ones she insisted they have.

springtimeishereagain · 28/03/2022 11:18

She insisted when he left me he never spoke to me again which he has done. and she sent texts telling the ex in detailed description how to leave my kids, naming them, and to tell them he would be away for a bit but they could contact him on his phone

She sounds fucking awful, OP. I hope karma bites her.

You're doing a great job. Carry on as you are: get the divorce done, be there for your dc, ignore your ex and his bonkers partner.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/03/2022 11:19

While you will be as free as a bird. He will also be the older Dad at the school gates, trying to compete with the fit guys in their early 30s. Just enjoy those thoughts for a few moments.

Just imagine the parents egg and spoon race!

This is very hurtful behaviour OP. I'd imagine they are trying to carve out time by themselves at the birth, and fear you could land all the kids on them then as punishment.

Soul11Soul · 28/03/2022 11:22

It's so hard for you OP but as you have absolutely no control over what they do (including asking your children to keep secrets) you need to focus on what you CAN do. So lots of positive reassurance to your 10 year old that he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants, and that it is really important to talk about things that are worrying him or upsetting him. Help him to build confidence so that next time his dad asks him to keep a secret he can feel comfortable distinguishing between those he is happy to keep and those he isn't. We talk about surprises versus secrets and how they are different. Try to be positive about the new baby as much as you can. It could be magical for him to be close to a younger sibling. To be a big brother. And then throw darts at a picture of your ex in private 😁.

bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 11:23

"She insisted when he left me he never spoke to me again which he has done. and she sent texts telling the ex in detailed description how to leave my kids, naming them, and to tell them he would be away for a bit but they could contact him on his phone"

OMG this younger woman has really got your exH by the short and curlies hasn't she. I bet she is cracking the whip on everything and everything she wants she gets.
What a nasty piece of work.
Your exH sounds quite weak to be honest.

whynotwhatknot · 28/03/2022 11:27

Your ex is a twat so is his oh-if you havent done go down the cms route if he r4efuses to pay they can force him

AngelinaFibres · 28/03/2022 11:29

@LexieB

yes sorry have no idea really what my point even is. Just painful really. The 10 year old goes EOW not the 14 and 17 year old. Their dad insisted on the OW being there from the get go and they didn’t want to meet her. Think it’s more he’s not a great dad to our kids. She insisted when he left me he never spoke to me again which he has done. Co parenting is impossible.
I was in your position 25 years ago. My exhusband left me at 32 for someone who was 17. She didn't want children ( well she still was one !!!!!!). He wasn't very interested in the 3 year old and 2 year old we had. Fast forward a few years and she did want children. He was 42 by then and not massively healthy ( keeping up with a younger woman was exhausting). The child they had is now 13 and fully in all the teenage hormonal stuff . They are divorcing. The first 2 children are grown men and having children of their own. I have been able to take early retirement and travel/ do whatever I want whenever I want. If his child goes to uni he will be financially responsible until he is mid sixties. If they choose the apprenticeship route she will be dependant on him until he is 70 plus. Op your children will be grown soon. They will be finding their own paths and they will leave home. Your ex will have 18 years of parenting ahead of him.Your children will also know who did all the work in their lives. He hasn't been a great parent to the first 3. It is unlikely he will be a great parent to the new one.....and it is soooooooi much more exhausting at 42. Focus on your life. Make the most if things you can do and make little plans in your head for the things you will be able to do soon .It hurts and you must allow yourself to feel that hurt but it really won't be the fairy tale he will be pretending. You have done the really, really hard stuff.
Soul11Soul · 28/03/2022 11:29

OMG this younger woman has really got your exH by the short and curlies hasn't she. I bet she is cracking the whip on everything and everything she wants she gets.

When can we stop blaming women for the behaviour of men? Unless she is holding a literal gun to his head, all the shit that has been done to OP has been done by her ex husband. The ow may have asked him to do certain things but it was ALWAYS his choice whether or not to do it.

bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 11:30

"It could be magical for him to be close to a younger sibling. To be a big brother. "

It seems fairly likely that a set up where a father asks his 10 year old son to keep his new soon-to-be-born sibling a secret is not going to be a situation where the new woman tries to make all of the children of her partner (the ex husband) one big happy family.

Seems more likely that the 10 year old will be pushed out even further and OP's 14 year old daughter will be used for babysitting duties only when it suits the OW.

WTF475878237NC · 28/03/2022 11:30

Sorry OP. It must hurt. I'm not surprised your 14 and 17 year olds don't want anything to do with him.

HesterShaw1 · 28/03/2022 11:31

Sorry OP. It's really hurtful, and so unfair on your 10 year old.

I know someone who had a mid life crisis at 48 and ran off with a 32 year old who was young, energetic with "great tits" (as he told the lads at work.) What a peach eh? For a year or two he had the life he'd been whining about then she decided she wanted kids. So now it's back to two toddlers, nappies, broken nights and a frazzled exhausted partner and he's back to square one.

These men. They're such bloody idiots 😡

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 11:40

yes of course my ex’s actions are 100% on him and not her

but her sending messages such as I wish you weren’t married at the start not very helpful!

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 11:43

"When can we stop blaming women for the behaviour of men? Unless she is holding a literal gun to his head,"

of course OW is not "holding a gun to his head" but she has actively and purposefully intervened telling the ex husband what to do, not just in relation to his first marriage to OP but (worse) in relation to the children OP has with this exH.

It really is no business of OW at all how the ex husband communicates with his own children with OP and from what we have been told OW has been actively instrumental in the way OP's children have been sidelined.

AllOfUsAreDead · 28/03/2022 11:45

@LexieB

Thank you that means a lot to me. My mum died a month after he left. I’m doing it all alone. I wanted nothing more to be a great co parent. The pair of them have been nothing but unkind to me. He didn’t even visit our dAughter in A and E. everything is always my fault! i’ve literally slogged my guts out. The OW has not encouraged good relations at all her exact words were Never Console your wife you may have caused the issue but she has other people to rely on now. Who says stuff like that
She says that because she knows he is untrustworthy. I'd bet anything that he is sniffing around other women already and she has got pregnant in the hopes of trapping him, or she is just paranoid he will leave. She's not a nice person clearly.

Leave them to it. They are both screwed, he will likely leave her and she'll be left as a single parent too.

Babadook76 · 28/03/2022 11:51

@Soul11Soul

OMG this younger woman has really got your exH by the short and curlies hasn't she. I bet she is cracking the whip on everything and everything she wants she gets.

When can we stop blaming women for the behaviour of men? Unless she is holding a literal gun to his head, all the shit that has been done to OP has been done by her ex husband. The ow may have asked him to do certain things but it was ALWAYS his choice whether or not to do it.

Literally no ones blamed her for how her bf is behaving. But she’s a vile excuse of a human being who not only took part in breaking up a family, but is now deliberately trying to drive a wedge between this man and his children
LBFseBrom · 28/03/2022 11:52

@WTF475878237NC

Sorry OP. It must hurt. I'm not surprised your 14 and 17 year olds don't want anything to do with him.
Me too. It's a very sad but unfortunately, all too common, scenario.

I'm very sorry that your ten year old was asked to keep the new baby news a secret and that it upset him to do so. However he has you and he will get over it. Ex husband may well see the error in asking that of his little boy.

Good luck for the future; some of the above posts are very encouraging.

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2022 11:57

This is called karma @LexieB. He’s saddled himself with a bitch and will be embroiled in small children for the rest of his fifth decade. I bet that’s not how he saw it panning out when he left. What an idiot.

THEDEACON · 28/03/2022 11:58

It's not unreasonable to be annoyed that your child's father asked him to keep a secret like this but whether the OW is having a baby when she allegedly said she didn't want any is not your business Get on being the best parent you can be to your children and let your not yet ex and his partner get on with their lives Clearly you are hurt by the affair and break up but don't let that make you bitter or obsessed

gogohm · 28/03/2022 12:01

The ow is the fool, she'll be on here moaning about the amount of child support he pays or that your ex is wanting to include your youngest in family outings when it should be her little family.... read it all before. Try and be civil for your d 's same but really he's to be pitied

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 12:02

i’m really not bitter or obsessed. Like my 17 year old said we were ticking along really nicely. it’s just come as a shock.
he’s told his whole extended family before our eldest. I don’t like that. If I was going to be obsessed with anyone it wouldn’t be with 2 people with no morals or integrity!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 28/03/2022 12:02

I am sorry this must be very painful for you although I can’t work out why you don’t have alone time with a 17 and a 14 year old even if you have to take the 14 old to clubs.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 12:03

well a couple of hours here and there doesn’t equate to a whole weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 12:04

Thanks for all the replies. feel a lot better now. just needed to get it off my chest

OP posts:
BrightOrangeOrange · 28/03/2022 12:07

While you will be as free as a bird. He will also be the older Dad at the school gates, trying to compete with the fit guys in their early 30s. Just enjoy those thoughts for a few moments.

I think it's great the support the OP is getting and I agree the ex sounds like an idiot.

However, comments like this are a bit horrible as there are quite a lot of older Mums on Mumsnet (not myself, I had mine in my 30's. So it hasn't hit a nerve).

Swipe left for the next trending thread