Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

[LexieB]

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

yes money okish at the moment. solicitor has applied for emergency application can’t remember what it’s called. To be fair up
until now Ex was ok about money but now he’s reduced things it’s going to be right. He’s paid half mortgage, child maintenance based on what he ‘says’ he earns but it’s wrong, no spousal maintenance has been included. I just want whats rightfully mine and the children and to move on. I’ve asked him what school holiday cover he will be doing just met with silence, whoever said I just need to accept he’s shit and very selfish is right. I just need to process it and get my head around it.

@LexieB You are very strong, a great role model, you and your DC are going to be fine

Glad you have a Solicitor. Don’t be pressured to sign things off. It sounds like he’s dragging his feet over divorce presumably while telling her it’s you being unreasonable. If your younger one wants contact then that needs sorting too before you divorce there’s 13 weeks of school holidays it’s totally unacceptable to offer nothing. 10/11 is a tricky age for childcare - too old for most holiday childcare but too young to leave 8-6 day in day out.
Did he warn you money cut or out of blue given he doesn’t communicate with you at all.

Does your son enjoy going over to his father’s? What do they do together? How did our son get on with the OW?

nope no warning money was going to be cut. Son does enjoy going but finds OW suffocating. Says him and his dad can never do anything together without her being there. That was the problem for the older 2 she insisted on being there every weekend from the start. He’s never offered a single weekend to spend with just our 3 children which they said they would like. Eldest said he would go the odd time if he could just spend time with his dad.

my solicitor is amazing which is what has pissed Ex off. Ex works in finance so i think he thought he could outsmart the system

OP - ignore the detractors. She will always be the OW to you and nothing will change the fact - does not matter what anyone else thinks. She is still the OW in my mind 10 yrs later! ( My mother had passed away when this kicked off - your brain is scrambled from that and then this on top - 18 months is no time at all)

Yes your EX has moved on and they can have a baby nothing wrong with that. How he lets his children know and supports them is relevant to you -as you will be supporting your DCS - not him. From your posts he could not be arsed to tell 2 and made one lie.

Her actions are her own and reek of insecurity on her part. Telling him what to do, not giving the children space to have their own relationship with their father - is pure spite. She is not a pleasant lady.

I am over OW and EX having an affair ( they have now split after a DC!) but what I will never forgive her for because she owns her actions is her behaviour to our DCs - everything you describe and more. She is weak and pathetic.

The new DC - I bust my guts saying nice things to the DC, asking them pick out a book, T shirt etc for when the baby arrived. It hurt me a lot but helped the DCS realise that their sibling was like them and their relationship is now special.

The place in hell is reserved for the OW - who still bad mouths my DCS to their sibling and still tries to make their DF choose between her DC and his others. (even on their birthdays)

You are doing brilliantly - secure the cash for your children and be ruthless

I suspected he wouldn’t. So money cut no reason or warning then you find out via upset 10 yr old it’s because baby 4 on way. You are seriously well rid of him. Glad you have good legal advice. The baby may be a helpful in sense she will be busy with baby and might lead to H and children having some 1-1 time. If your older two do want to see him in future then them suggesting none baby friendly meet ups eg meeting for drink in pub when eldest 18 might pave way for some type of relationship for them. Throughout all your posts it’s clear you aren’t stopping him seeing them and do hope he’ll be a father. Did he cancel on all 3 when two oldest declined his baby announcement meal? Does he remember their birthdays.

@AllOfUsAreDead

I'd laugh. He's 42 and going back to babies screaming. So much for his 'wonderful' life away from his first lot of kids, and I bet she won't want only one.

Plus his current children don't even seem to like him. The eldest won't even go and see him. He's lost out here big time, he's got 3 kids already who likely will all end up hating him, and he's about to another maybe more at an older age when he thought he was basically in semi retirement stage. He's gone and fucked up his life royally.

Laugh about it op. It's funny, it's not sad. Your youngest child is 10, you've only got really another 7/8 years left then you can do what you want. He's got 18! He'll be 60 before he can start having fun again, that's if he doesn't abandon her too which he probably will. His life sucks.

This is how I would look at it ...

Who's winning at life? Certainly not him

no he did still youngest child. he goes over the top buying loads of stuff on their birthdays so they love that! I’m happy for them to take when they can get as I can’t afford all that! I’ve really seen he’s a shit. I’ll encourage what relationship I can with their dad and new brother but I’m really done with the whole situation. I’ve been living in the past thinking he was this nice guy and gave a shit about me! he actually doesn’t. not sure why I’ve been such a moron. He even said i was lying when blood tests showed potential cancer markers for my mum and wouldn’t help. 8 days later she dropped down dead. he didn’t even help the youngest get me anything for mother’s day. Why am
I such a sap feel really disappointed in myself

@LexieB

nope no warning money was going to be cut. Son does enjoy going but finds OW suffocating. Says him and his dad can never do anything together without her being there. That was the problem for the older 2 she insisted on being there every weekend from the start. He’s never offered a single weekend to spend with just our 3 children which they said they would like. Eldest said he would go the odd time if he could just spend time with his dad.

But if they don’t want to see the OW

How could he have them for the weekend if he lives with the OW?

I’m just thinking logistically

Hope your youngest is ok. He must be feeling very mixed up that he’d told the secret that should never have been imposed on him.
He could book a premier inn type hotel or take them on holiday just him and 3 children. Spend time just with them at activities. It’s normal for a dad to want and have 1-1 time with children eg take eldest to a concert, youngest to a football match, watch daughter’s dancing show.
That’s a positive that you are moving on and see him as he is and not on your side.
Would your eldest help little one sort Mother’s Day, birthday present etc for you if you explained.

they weren’t living together when he left. She has a house up north. his boss rented him a flat next to work which is why he was 1.5 hours away. he has a house in the week his company own near us he can sometimes use. He always maintained they didn’t live together…….and wasn’t sure it would last……clearly they do live together. so before we knew about baby they had a multitude of accommodation that could facilitate the kids seeing him without her there.

he tells so many lies……. he hasn’t even told kids where he will live once baby will be born, we appear last to know anything

OP, I'm so sorry it's all so crap, it's completely understandable you feel so low, it's a lot to deal with, and I'm sorry about your mum.
Do you have anyone else who can support you, a friend you can regularly meet up with? Siblings? Your dad?
Counselling might help you process your feelings, your GP should be able to arrange this.

You've a lot to deal with and occasions like mothers day are difficult if you feel burnt out and unappreciated.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
You have 3 lovely DC.
Your ex sounds awful and his new partner does too.

Make sure you get everything you can from the divorce, get a good solicitor, ensure he pays everything he needs to and go via CMS, court order if needed.

His new life may not be as rosy as it appears, his new carefree life is coming to an end and he may end up treating his new partner like he has treated you.

Reassure your 10 year old, of course it will hurt, your DC might feel like they are being replaced but hopefully longer term a new sibling will bring joy. Their dad should be reassuring them on this point but clearly is unable/ unwilling.

When youngest DC goes to their dad's do something for yourself, the older two are OK to be left alone for a bit.

Try and distance yourself emotionally from your ex and be kind to yourself 💐

If your DCs are feeling suffocated by OW, then it won't be long before their Dad feels the same way.... I'd hazard a guess that she won't let him see them alone, because she's afraid they'd work on him in unison to break up with her. And well they might!

[quote jumparound333]@SnackSizeRaisin completely agree. OP hasn't said any of this so not directed at her, but can't quite believe the stuff written on this thread, basically wishing the new baby an unhappy life and that the children hate their dad. Not to mention the ageist stuff about the Ex being older and finding parenting harder/tougher when you're in your 40s. Sounds like most of the posters hate their kids and spending time with them! Can't stress enough not aimed at OP though, she sounds like she cherishes her kids[/quote]
It's not his age, it's that starting another family after having 3 children sounds is exhausting. No matter what age you first have children, the idea of starting again 10 or 15 years later with a baby again sounds like madness for many people. I have young kids, I love them so much, babies and toddlers are very adorable, however there is not a chance in hell I would have young children again in 10 or 15 years! I'm exhausted now , I wouldn't want to repeat the exhaustion again. If I had started having children in my late teens, I still think that I wouldn't want to have another baby at 40.

OP, he is totally useless, I'm sorry he has put you in this position and I'm sorry that your children aren't getting any support from him. It can't be easy looking after 3 children on your own, even if they are all over 10. You don't sound bitter, you sound like you are doing very well to deal with a difficult situation. He shouldn't have asked your son to keep the baby a secret and he sounds like a massive twat from everything you 've said on here. OW hasn't "won", he's useless and he will probably be equally useless to her.

You are probably too upset to see the funny side op. He left you to deal with all parenting alone and have child free life himself. Now he will have sleepless nights and nappies to change for years to come. Kind of karma don't you think. Sorry your Mum died so soon after each left. That must have been so hard for you. He should have not cut child maintenance yet as other child not even born. Consult child maintenance support about that. Ask divorce lawyer to send letter to his solicitor to not tell your DC to keep secrets as it is poor safeguarding. Just a thought but he might be making it up in hope of getting a better financial settlement in divorce.

The more I read of this the more I think you're not so much upset by the baby as the realisation of what a rubbish person he actually is and the baby news being handled so badly is just another reminder. Quite a reasonable response to discovering that about someone you spent years of your life with.

OP - you are not a sap.
It takes time to fully appreciate what a cunext tuesday the man yo thought you lvoved and is the father of your children really is.

You live in hope that your judgement was not that piss por but realise you got he best bits of him - your children.
The winner is you - you have the best bits and you are now free of the twunt.
Hold your head up high - you are doing a fab job - but the gloves are now off.