Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

[LexieB]

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

@LexieB

yes sorry have no idea really what my point even is. Just painful really. The 10 year old goes EOW not the 14 and 17 year old. Their dad insisted on the OW being there from the get go and they didn’t want to meet her. Think it’s more he’s not a great dad to our kids. She insisted when he left me he never spoke to me again which he has done. Co parenting is impossible.

What? Ok if you didn't have kids together then maybe I could understand her point of view but that is totally unreasonable on her part. They both sound delightful.

honestly my mum died at 69. I’m trying to make the most of my life at 41! The kids having seen their mum
happy and coping. We are very close and have a special relationship. I am privileged to be raising them. But it’s hard! making all decisions on your own. Dealing with their feelings and my own. We will move past this. He was meant to see them all tonight to make ‘official announcement’ but older 2 not interested for now. After 11 hours at work coming home to an empty house would be nice! I’m going to just focus on the kids well being that’s my priority. 2 have birthdays next week. Important exams.

Thanks for all the lovely understanding messages.

Never takes much to be kind

Honestly i’m far from a misery! it’s just a shock to us all

@WomblingWilma

Good god, I can’t believe you apologised for your very valid feelings on this thread OP!

Did he move 1.5 hours away as well as cheating on you, betraying and breaking up his family and only paying minimal maintenance which is no where enough to cover the costs of children?

Now he’s having a new family which is going to cause further massive emotional upheaval for his existing DC, probably going to reduce child maintenance and got his young son to keep something secret that greatly upset him?

Not only that but he has allowed the tramp he cheated on you with to be sole point of contact in your interactions about your DC. Talk about rub her in your face! She wouldn’t even have my number if I was you and I wouldn’t respond to anything she said if she got it.

They think they can walk all over you.

My DC of that age wouldn’t be spending any time at his house if I couldn’t contact their father, and him alone, either.

I don’t agree at all with PP saying you need to keep out of it so your son doesn’t see what an absolute bastard his Dad is. He’s old enough to know. I’d not want my DC to think they can behave like this to their partner and children as an adult! I’d tell DS it was unforgivable that his Dad gave him such big news (about her being pregnant) and make him keep it secret so he couldn’t talk about his worries with anyone so he had to bottle it up. I’d refuse to let him go there again until his Dad gave me his number and was clear that I would not communicate any further with her. I’d also tell DS that he doesn’t have to go to stay with them if he doesn’t want to. I’d also not hold back on telling the selfish bastard what I thought of him.

He’s not got his DC’s best interests at heart and there’s no way I’d try to facilitate a relationship with him. Why do women have to do that, no matter what?

Of course according to MN. you’re a woman who’s been cheated on, left to do all donkey work and deal with the emotional fallout with DC and go to work as well while he pays a fraction of their costs, moves miles away to live the single life with his OW who he’s now having a baby with to further emotionally and financially impact your DC but it’s been a 18 months, get over it and stop being ‘bitter’ OP.

Must be lots of OW on here.

Totally agree, perfect!

Does you two older teens support?

Cook dinners? Laundry? That sort of thing?

they are very good at keeping rooms tidy! cooking stuff when i’m at work. emptying dishwasher etc
maybe could do more. Part of me likes doing it 😳 probably a martyr

@LexieB

Honestly i’m far from a misery! it’s just a shock to us all

How anyone couldn't empathise with you, I can't understand. It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job.

Thanks so much. This has really helped me refocus my attentions. Get divorce done, prioritise kids and look after myself. Support kids in whatever decisions they make and just step back from
this whole situation. Off to take DD to mcdonald’s to cheer her up as she says she feel ‘angry’

I've not read all the comments (sorry, mad busy!) But please just tell your son never to keep anything from you, it isn't a surprise it's a secret and reiterate no secrets.
Whilst I'm sure your life isn't entrenched with nonces, that mindset could make a young person vulnerable to an unsavoury character and they're everywhere from churches to caretakers, so your ex is a prick for that just as much as the rest of this.

OP, your children adore you, the fact they're so disinterested in dad shows you're more than enough love for your kids that many dream of.
Well done for not going insane and being so brilliant as a mother xx

@TheABC

OP, you can still do stuff on EOW weekends - 17 and 14 years old can be reasonably left on their own for a few hours whilst you go out/on dates etc. Heck in another year, your eldest will be off to college or university (or starting work) whilst the middle one starts GCSEs and your youngest embarks on their secondary school options. They are getting more independent and it's going to get successively easier. Whereas your ex is going back to shitty nappies and sleepless nights.

I hope you got a SHL and you are getting your fair share of the assets based on the fact your kids are resident with you. Ditto the CSA contributions.

Yes you are about to regain a lot of freedom and he is about to lose all his again!! 😝😜🥳😂🤣

@LexieB

Thanks so much. This has really helped me refocus my attentions. Get divorce done, prioritise kids and look after myself. Support kids in whatever decisions they make and just step back from this whole situation. Off to take DD to mcdonald’s to cheer her up as she says she feel ‘angry’

Fingers crossed for you OP

Yes but it will be you going to their graduation ceremonies too. It will be you at their weddings and you will be the one they want to show their babies to hours after they are born. It's such hard work now Op and it feels relentless much of the time. I was you. Now I am having a brilliant life with grown up, married sons and I am a new granny. Hang in there. You are growing the roots of an unbreakable family team. Freedom will be yours very soon, as will sharing the fabulous bits of your adult children's lives ,that you want to share.

Your children will also come to your graduation when you finish your degree. Imagine the cheer when mum walks across the stage . There won't be a dry eye in the house.

This was me a few years ago. Honestly if you’re there for your children and they know it, it doesn’t matter that their dad is not. My children are now 19 and 16, they’re amazing but their absent father can take no credit. They have never met their two half siblings, xh has split from the ow now too.
I’m really just grateful for my lucky escape.
Honestly, you and your children will be the ones who come through this united and thriving.

Another one for
WomblingWilma
Mon 28-Mar-22 17:54:06,

All of this in spades.

Also
LexieB Mon 28-Mar-22 18:37:45

You really need to carve out some time to process what has happened - 18 months is nothing in light of the timescales you have described in your posts.
Please, when it is possible for you, carve out time to process this for yourself and no one else.

"We are very close and have a special relationship. I am privileged to be raising them. But it’s hard! making all decisions on your own. Dealing with their feelings and my own. "

I totally understand this. You really are doing it on your own.
. There are others doing this and you are not alone. x

She's an idiot who will regret hooking up with a deadbeat dad who will undoubtedly cheat on her too but more importantly he'll be stuck - miserable back with nappies and wishing that he'd appreciated what he had with you.

I've seen it happen with my neighbour. The exact same scenario. What the deluded OW doesn't realise is that my neighbours ex begs her weekly to take him back ....worst mistake of his life blah blah blah. He's pathetic and my neighbour has blossomed without him. Just as you will do OP

And I totally disagree with Broken Record

She will always be the OW. Who says it's the ex's new relationship that defines her status? The OP has equal right to define her status and in the context of her marriage she will only ever be the OW.

This reminds me of the rubbish argument that names belong to men and women should hand them back on divorce. It's the same shitty internalised misogyny.

Well she got what she wanted. You know what they say....when you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you are married to a man who cheats on his wife.

Its the kid I feel sorry for. Your kids have you to steer them through this, her kids has her....a morally bankrupt fantasist.

OW will probably be OW herself soon enough, when he realises the reality of young GF is more nappies and baby sick rather than illicit sex.
Maybe her replacement will be just as intolerant.

LOL, won't the OW be mad when he uses her own playbook and walks out on her, leaving her high and dry.

I think your youngest could do with talking all of this over with a counselor. Is there any pastoral care person in school he could have a few chats with? Being asked to keep secrets by a parent is very distressing, and from the sound of it, the rest of it is upsetting too. Does he see the OW much, and how does she treat him if so?

Emphasise to DS that you are there always to talk to, thank him for telling you and tell him he did the right thing. Even though he's 10, make sure he gets lots of hugs and cuddles. This sort of 'father' makes life very hard for children.

Be his rock.

It's very hard for you too, but bear down, take one day at a time, and try to build little moments of mindfulness into your days. This may sound hokey but try meditation. It helped me greatly when faced with life post divorce, very shaky finances, and a very difficult exH.

So sorry he thinks the week before their birthdays and in the thick of important exams is a good time to drop the baby news in your DCs' laps. Full marks for self absorption, eh?

More fool the OW. Do you have enough money op?