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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

320 replies

LexieB · 28/03/2022 08:39

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

OP posts:
user375242 · 28/03/2022 10:14

Not nice news for you, but try to think of it differently. This is his comeuppance. You are just coming out of the hardest years of single parenting, and he is starting again, and I bet he didn't plan this. His easy weekends are no more. It speaks volumes that he hasn't rubbed it in your face with an announcement, hence him trying to keep it secret (awful thing to do to your son).

By the time the baby is as toddler and impacting on all the things they can do at weekends, you will have your freedom back. I bet he will be keen to spend time with your youngest at this point, to escape toddler duties and have an easier time with his now 12 year old, and from my experience your son will have started to see him for who he is by this point and lose interest. Then your ex will have his partner pressuring him for another baby, and by the time his are just starting primary school yours will be independent. You can rub it in his face by having lovely holidays and days out with your children that aren't suitable for a baby/toddler to tag along with. And when they are all adults, these new siblings will be someone else they can commiserate with over having a shit dad.

19lottie82 · 28/03/2022 10:15

When I was 8 my Dads GF (the OW) was pregnant and my Dad made me keep it a secret from my Mum, she didn’t find out until my half brother was a few months old. It really fucked me up tbh.

I love my Dad and he is a good Dad, but that is the one thing I resent him for.

ancientgran · 28/03/2022 10:16

@GiantHaystacks2021

He's going back to nappies. Again. After doing it all 3 times before. The stupid bastard. He probably won't enjoy it much, I'd say and I'd bet good money he that didn't want this either.

Leave him to it.
Personally, I would be laughing at him.

Some people actually like their children and enjoy having a baby in their life. I hate this attitude that a baby is some sort of curse. I had a baby when my eldest was 20 and I did enjoy it, loved doing it all again with the benefit of being more mature, having more money and with the experience of already having done it more than once.

OP he was very wrong about keeping secrets but I hope your children love their new little sibling. One of the things that made me view my alcoholic ex and his family in a better light was him being kind to my children and his siblings treating them as new nephews.

Kuachui · 28/03/2022 10:16

your husband left to enjoy the single life with another woman... now he has another family 😂😂 i would laugh at the karma and stay out of it. move on and enjoy life the best you can knowing that he now still has all those baby years again, you will be free way before he will.

Kego · 28/03/2022 10:17

I can understand how you’re feeling, as a gut reaction, but look at it this way. The OW was probably appealing because she didn’t come with the stresses of family life. He’s 42 and going back to shitty nappies and sleepless nights. She’s having a baby with a man who has a crap relationship with his kids because he’s been a crap person. Maybe he won’t get up for 1 am feeds or change nappies and she’ll also see what a nob he is but regardless, she’s hardly “winning.” He’s torn apart your family and now making a new one with someone else only 18 months down the line instead of focusing on the kids he already has and sadly the older kids will see that for what it is and they’ll likely never have the same relationship with him again. Meanwhile you’ll go from strength to strength. It must be so hard have no child free time but him having a baby isn’t going to change that. Just focus on you.

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 10:18

@BrokenRecords

Why is a new sibling not good news for your children? What has him having child free weekends got to do with it ?
OP's envious of his child free weekends and bitter about him having another child when he's a shit dad to her kids
Chloemol · 28/03/2022 10:20

@katicomps

I'm sorry op, it must be such a slap in the face to hear it from your kid AND he's making him keep secrets, which is just so wrong. Thanks

He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.
How come, if your kids go to him eow?

Re read the post
Kego · 28/03/2022 10:22

@ancientgran

Some people actually like their children and enjoy having a baby in their life. I hate this attitude that a baby is some sort of curse.

Did you read the OP posts? This is a man who does not pay appropriately for his kids and has such a a terrible relationship with his older two they don’t even want to see him. Somehow I don’t think he falls into this category.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:22

my children don’t view it as good news as they feel their dad left them. He will be seeing the new child every day they barely see him. they don’t feel a priority. not sure why i mentioned his free weekends. just seems unfair i have 2/3 of our children all the time which i do love but he hardly does much and he thinks having another child is a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:24

of course any baby is a blessing and not a curse. I love my 3 to bits and definitely don’t want anymore! i do feel bitter sometimes having sole responsibility. I love it but it is tiring and not what i expected. not sure that makes me a bad person

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 28/03/2022 10:25

Guessing he had an affair for some excitement away from the drudgery of family life and now he’s going back to just that so he’ll be cheating on her before long too. I’d just pity her and to an extent him too, he’s going back to baby/toddler years in his forties. He’ll be knackered.

Fandangofran · 28/03/2022 10:26

The OW sounds like a complete tool but to be honest if he really wanted to see his kids and pay proper maintenance and keep an amicable relationship with the mother of his children - for their sake - then nothing would stop him. He's a grown up with free will and could say no to her demands if it was really that important to him. He bears responsibility too for how things have turned out.

She's obviously pulling a lot of strings but you don't know what bullshit horror stories he's fed her about you and his previous life - especially if he was trying to get in her knickers.

It sounds like he wanted the carefree life with the younger woman and now she's pregnant and it's backfired. Don't be upset - he's made his bed and will no doubt find the grass is not greener when he's back to mucky nappies and been woken by screaming babies in the night.

Floralnomad · 28/03/2022 10:26

OP , this is not the OW she is his partner , your relationship is long over and it was fairly obvious that a 28 yr old is maybe going to want children of her own . It’s not her fault that your ex is a shit dad it’s his fault just concentrate on getting as much money out of him as you can .

Cherry55 · 28/03/2022 10:27

This is so shit OP. You are valid in your feelings about this. Totally the wrong way to go about it from his side and I empathise as I'm in a similar situation. Exh has no child with the OW yet (both too selfish living their best lives lol) but the zero coparenting that comes from a selfish man leaving his family. Extra kick in the teeth when they set up another family again but slight smirk they've thrown themselves in the deep end of parenting after running away from responsibility in the first place.

To the people that say they are old enough and have been together 1.5 years which is OK time to have a baby....that's not the point. It's how they have gone about telling the family, and yes, the first family are still family.

To the women saying "we told the step kids but not the mum."..Big eye roll there bc it's often the mum that gas to manage the emotional cocktail their kids come home feeling after being given the news. At least if told it is 1. Respectful and 2. Allows them time to think how to manage the news with their kids.

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 10:28

@Hisea

More fool her for having a child with a man who doesn't seem to bother with his existing children!

I will never understand what women see in men like this

Yeh, she's the fool.

My commiserations though OP, I have two DC and have raised them 100% I used to take them to see him, just to try to do the right thing so that the dc wouldn't later accuse me of keeping him from them. Well, my plan worked i guess. He did live up to my low expectations. He scared them, he shouted at them, and now they refuse point blank to go anywhere near him but of course he blames me.

What age are your DC @LexieB I just had to wait til my DC grew up to get a night out. I never have the house to myself though, which i'd love!

Roselilly36 · 28/03/2022 10:29

That must have come as a shock. Seems mad doesn’t it. But his problem, he will have the sleepless nights, nappies to deal with.

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 10:30

Op a dreadful thing has happened to you and your family.

Now though you really need to put your brave face on and set a positive example for your children. This means not criticising their father, this baby or the other woman.

You should hear your children’s complaints about their father but try not to pass critical thoughts onto them.

You should tell them they have your blessing to visit, stay over etc

Unfortunately right now they are suffering and they may be taking your side - but it really isn’t helpful for them to feel the bitterness between you.

To help the kids, live your best life, focus on yourself and them and not what has or is happening in their fathers personal life - as you can see that is harmful to all of you.

Wishing you all the best

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:30

yes your right. I doubt he had anything good to say about me. It’s just come as a shock. I’ll continue to focus on my children and myself

OP posts:
jytdtysrht · 28/03/2022 10:30

You don’t have too far to go until your children are adults. He on the other hand has 18+ years as the baby isn’t even born yet. If he was a shit father to the first 3, then he’ll be equally shit with this one. The OW can enjoy the fruits of her labour. Your children will remember that you were always there for them.

I don’t see my “dad”. My mum brought us up single handedly whilst my dad went out pleasing himself with his mates and OW. Couldn’t even be bothered to watch me do my sport, ever. Not once. Now married to OW and they are as mean and nasty as each other. I don’t see him, neither do my siblings. His brother and sister cut him off (for other reasons than the OW). It’s all his loss. He’s just a shit person.

ancientgran · 28/03/2022 10:30

@LexieB

of course any baby is a blessing and not a curse. I love my 3 to bits and definitely don’t want anymore! i do feel bitter sometimes having sole responsibility. I love it but it is tiring and not what i expected. not sure that makes me a bad person
Of course it doesn't make you a bad person but I do think it says something about people who are gleeful about how awful it is for a couple to be having a baby. As you say a baby is a blessing.

Is there anyway your kids can see him more, it sounds like they are the ones refusing contact. Difficult if the other woman isn't welcoming but he needs to work that out.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:30

Thanks everyone feel a lot better. I’m just staying out of it

OP posts:
OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 10:31

@AthenaPopodopolous

Jeez, this is all so nasty. Just pass on your congratulations and help your kids accept the happy news. A new life is a blessing. Your hurt will pass OP.
Seriously Confused

Being robbed of 50% of the free time and being 100% responsible for parenting 100% of the time does not pass for over a decade, could be more depending on how young the children are.

To write of this injustice with a dismissive ''your pain will pass'' is so disrespectful to the op's equal right to have some free time.

She has an equal right to it but she won't be getting it by the sounds of it.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:32

i think finding out mother’s day which was hard as my mum died of cancer 2020

He left us day before father’s day! just seem to be these poignant days are full of difficult news

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 28/03/2022 10:33

19Lottie82

.....and he is a good Dad, but that is the one thing I resent him for.

So just a crap individual then?

MistyGreenAndBlue · 28/03/2022 10:33

There's no fool like a middle aged fool eh?
Sounds like she's been leading him around by his dick for a while now and, based on your updates, I would suspect the secret keeping idea came from her. She clearly doesn't want you involved in their life in any way including your children.
He's probably regretting his decision already. Oh well.