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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just found out OW is having a baby from 10 year old

320 replies

LexieB · 28/03/2022 08:39

My husband left 1.5 years ago after having an affair. Just before bed my 10 year old let me know she’s pregnant. His dad told him to keep it secret. He did for a week but said he couldn’t anymore as it was upsetting him. My older 2 children didn’t even know. When he left us he was all like OW doesn’t want children she was 28 he’s 42 wtf
I’m left doing all the childcare with our 3. Older 2 refuse to go. Just feel really sad for my kids. He gets his child free weekends every other week well at the moment. I’m literally never on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:34

yes I get no free time or time alone in house! but of course when weekends with older 2 i can do things but 14 year old still has activities she needs taking to. I do that EVERY weekend

OP posts:
SirSamVimesCityWatch · 28/03/2022 10:35

A baby isn't a blessing to everyone.

And the OP isn't in any way obliged to see this baby as a blessing - it's not hers, it's theirs.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:36

I’m sure my pain will pass. But i think I can have feelings about it for 1 day! i am human

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 28/03/2022 10:37

They sound a lovely, well suited, selfish couple. As others have said I feel sorry for your children and for you not getting any support and the new baby for having parents like this.

WildCoasts · 28/03/2022 10:38

There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Of course it's hard news to hear. It will take time to process.

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 10:39

They both sound very emotionally immature. Who forbids their new bf from speaking (ever!) to the mother of his three children? That is so unrealistic.

My x, he didn't even need to be talked in to this immature behaviour, completely dehumanised me in his head from the day I left, or rather, the day he realised I was really never going back. So when I took my DC to see him, he would fawn all over them in front of me and I would say ''Hi Dave, how are you, here Sam might be thirsty, he dropped his water, Lucy left her cardigan on the plane so she's cold. He would n't respond! He would not look at me, he wouldn't acknowledge my existence in anyway.

Now of course the DC are teens and have no interest in going to his house. But it is all my fault!!

Some people are just so immature, and it's not fair but there is no changing the situation.

Notwithittoday · 28/03/2022 10:40

Of course you’re entitled to be upset. Babies are massive hard work. I can’t see that all being rosy especially with him being 42 and having 3 already. Look on the bright side at least you’re not in for a load of sleepless nights

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 10:40

@LexieB

I’m sure my pain will pass. But i think I can have feelings about it for 1 day! i am human
Of course! I think it is very natural to feel how you feel. Especially when you're co written in to their drama, with the secrecy, and your ten year old asked to collude in keeping it from you. That bit is harder!
Isonthecase · 28/03/2022 10:42

Your feelings are totally valid, it's rubbish that they're treating you and your children that way.

If it's any consolation, your life with older kids who love you and trust you sounds infinitely better than their lives with a new baby knowing the older kids hate him and they're both awful people who need to hurt others to feel happy. And your baby is still your baby even if his dad has a younger one.

Babadook76 · 28/03/2022 10:43

@AthenaPopodopolous

Jeez, this is all so nasty. Just pass on your congratulations and help your kids accept the happy news. A new life is a blessing. Your hurt will pass OP.
Oh fuck off. The op’s ex was shagging this woman behind her back. He left her and broke up their family and fucked off an hour and a half away. He barely has his own kids, has cut reasonable communication with the mother of his children at the insistence of his new gf, is trying to get out of the little csa he’s already paying, and while the op and their children are still clearly reeling he’s decided to bang out yet another child with the ow. That’s even less time, money and attention for the children he barely gives a fuck about now. Why on earth should the op be happy about it? Her children feel like they are being replaced, because they basically are.

Op I know you must be feeling devastated by now. Please take some consolation in the FACT that this man is going to seriously regret this new life he’s created for himself. He’s run off for an exciting new relationship with a younger woman, but is now re entering the years of hardship of raising babies, but with a conniving piece of shit. Your children will be independent soon. I know it’s still hard now but I’d focus on the few years left you have with them when they need you. You’ll get to enjoy them as loving adults, he’ll have lost everything that should have been important to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he leaves this woman too

bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 10:43

"and he thinks having another child is a good idea"

I would guess there is a good chance he does not "think having another child is a good idea".

He either thinks the 28yr old woman will leave him if he does not do what she says (she says "I want a baby") or he is so bewitched by this woman he has never considered anything as practical as contraception and it just happened.
He certainly did not think "oh I just love the baby stage, I love being a father, I love taking care of and being responsible for my children, lets have a baby" or anything like it.
I know that does not make it better for you OP but that seems the most likely truth here.

BadNomad · 28/03/2022 10:45

This is karma for them. He's 42yo and about to have a full-time baby. Or he'll fuck off and the OW will be left with the full-time baby.

Beamur · 28/03/2022 10:46

Karma.
I think you're entitled to feel pissed off. Timings of the news and seeing your DS upset is enough.
But really you're in a good place. Your kids are increasingly independent but still home so you get to do family stuff.
Yes, it's a shame you're having to do it as a single parent which makes it more of a slog but you're rid of an unfaithful husband and weak father.
You're a great Mum. Rise above this and know you're busy with your own life.
You could have a sly dig by sending a congratulations card when they go public...😇

bubblesbubbles11 · 28/03/2022 10:47

SirSamVimesCityWatch Mon 28-Mar-22 10:35:40

This.

Original poster
LexieB · 28/03/2022 10:48

yes i love the ages my kids are We have loads of fun and good times. My thoughts are always consumed with making them happy. I love being a mum. I love our life and them. I have amazing friends. I am blessed. But my heart hurts for my children

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 28/03/2022 10:50

@LexieB

of course any baby is a blessing and not a curse. I love my 3 to bits and definitely don’t want anymore! i do feel bitter sometimes having sole responsibility. I love it but it is tiring and not what i expected. not sure that makes me a bad person
No it doesn't at all. No-one gets married and has DC to be left to do it alone. Flowers
IncompleteSenten · 28/03/2022 10:50

She's having a child with a man who will happily walk away from his children.
Like that won't bite her in the arse when he's sick of being dad to a young child and she's not paying him constant attention because she's got a child to look after

Villagewaspbyke · 28/03/2022 10:51

It’s hard being a single parent op and he shouldn’t have asked dc to keep secrets. That being said it’s a perfectly sensible age to have a child (although of course he should be a better parent to his existing children).

My niece was also very jealous and upset about a much younger step sister (she was only girl sibling) but actually now the sister is five or so she adores her. So I hope for both kids they can have a good relationship in the long term.

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 10:55

I can see how hurtful it is but by even thinking about them you are letting them use your emotional energy.

I loved your last post as it is more upbeat and seems like most of the time you are in a good place with yourself and your children.

We will always feel ill towards those who hurt our children but in the case where it is their own father that will be on his conscience.

Believe me when he has this other child he may well start to question all sorts of things about why his other kids don’t get to see him etc and how ridiculous he amd she has been. But that’s on them. He will reap what he sows.

I know a similar situation and he went on to have three other children. He is knackered, skint and clearly unhappy but that’s what the consequence of his ridiculous choice.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/03/2022 10:58

I know it’s hard but I’d concentrate on living your life and enjoying your children. Your children see him for idiot he is the 2 oldest wanting nothing to do with him, won’t be long before youngest one follows suit.
More fool her having a baby with a married man (she’s the definition of ow - op says she’s not divorced) But that’s not your problem.
I’d be wary of him trying to re kindle relationship with your 14 yr old girl for his own purposes she’s perfect babysitter material.
I’d reassure children you are there for them and nothings going to really change with baby as dad barely sees you as is.
Make sure you claim maintenance through official channels and don’t be pressured into divorce until terms are right for you. To be honest it might work in your favour and he might agree favourable terms to avoid being married man/ow when baby born.

Isonthecase · 28/03/2022 10:58

I think @Babadook76 absolutely nailed it there.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 10:59

@ancientgran they don't want to see him because of how he is and he is 1.5 hrs away and only wants them eow anyway
The kids have a right go feel upset that he doesn't really bother or care or pay for them but has decided to have another child
Fully understand why his kids are not feeling blessed by this news

DebtheSander · 28/03/2022 10:59

@LexieB your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their mum.

Yes, their father is a shitty parent. But you know this already. Prepare yourself for the likely scenario that he will gradually withdraw from your youngest as this baby comes along.

I think you are perfectly entitled to feel as you do. Not even divorced yet and the woman he left the family for is pregnant. When he has no relationship with his older dc. You also can bet that he will use the new baby to reduce maintenance.

But take pride in the fact that your lovely DS trusts you enough to not keep this secret.

Plus, for a brief moment, enjoy the fact that as your ex approaches his 60s, he will be dealing with a teenager. While you will be as free as a bird. He will also be the older Dad at the school gates, trying to compete with the fit guys in their early 30s. Just enjoy those thoughts for a few moments.

SafeMove · 28/03/2022 11:02

I have DC the same age - My 18 year old was sidelined by his step siblings and has very little relationship with his DF.

The middle and younger one (14 and 10) have a good relationship with their DF (different Dad's). Their DF has a new GF and they are thrown, add a new baby into the mix and they would feel it. I get it OP. It's a big change for your DC and you have a right to think it through!

DebtheSander · 28/03/2022 11:05

Oh and my neighbours are in a very similar set up to your ex and the OW. They got together when she was mid 20s and he was early 40s. Left his marriage for her. 15 years and 3 kids later, life ain’t so great because he is hitting 60 while she is not quite 41. The age gap is very evident and no, he can’t keep up with 3 very active young boys.