If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

judging from threads today, there'll be the added bonus of complaining appropriatr recognition on Mothers day

The first few years can be a massive struggle but it does get better and the moments where everything is going semi-to plan are so rewarding that it really makes up for all the difficulty.

Most of the difficulty lies in new routines and the whole world revolving around a new little person. Sometimes you can lose yourself and financially it's difficult, especially to do things like work if you're low-income or don't have an extremely flexible job.

But with the lows come very very great highs. I don't regret any of my children. They're now pre-teen and I know there are much harder days to come as a parent even after over a decade of experience. I don't think it ever ends. But my life now is completely different to my life pre-children with a huge new set of priorities. It's tough but it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

It’s not that bad!

It’s so lovely - the lack of sleep was definitely the hardest for me. But overall I’ve loved being a mum although I have sometimes said otherwise when exhausted and ratty.

the old rose tinted specs - their commentary is on the shocks they got once reality bit and the specs fell off

Because nobody tells you how awful it is and when you've had one it's too late.

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(

I'm a newish mum and I would never ever say anything like that to a pregnant woman. Because it infuriated me when women did it to me and I'm sure they must have had it too and hated it.
Yes it's hard. You'll find your way on your own, and when you want opinions/help/advice, you'll ask or friends will know you well enough to offer.
Why do some women keep doing this?!

This really irritated me while I was pregnant too. No, it’s not awful. Depends on the amount of support that you have I think, but it can be really wonderful. No one would have a second child if it was as bad as they claim!

It's bloody brilliant! Best thing I ever did. My kids are amazing. I actually truly loved the baby years. Both nice teenagers now, perhaps I got lucky.

It’s the best and hardest thing ever. Life is impossible and wonderful. It’s a privilege raising these funny, sweet people, but it’s terrifyingly hard work.

I think there's so much out there about how great being a parent is, that some people feel the need to tell you how hard it is instead of the good stuff.

I even find myself doing it, especially when people tell me how lovely ds is. I now make a conscious effort to say thank you rather than mention something negative.

Babies are so cute and squishy they’re irresistible. Then they grow up and well, better leave it there.

It’s the hormones and social pressure and expectation. But then you end up loving them so much that you cannot live without them…so you can only let some steam off by complaining about them

I don’t think it’s awful! I have 3, youngest is 6 weeks so I’m right in the thick of it, and I love it! Yes exhausting but the positives definitely make it all worthwhile. I think often it’s a shock though how tough it can be. It’s also more socially acceptable to complain than talk about how happy we are, I think.

That's why I only have one.

It must be a very strong primal urge. Because as you say if everyone wrote a list of pros and cons the world's population wouldn't be in the billions - although the latter point is more to do with accessible birth control but anyway I always think women should only have kids if they have this strong primal urge - it does kick in when they get here but taking that risk hoping that it all works out honestly fills me with dread. But it's true having a kid drastically changes your life - not always for the bad but it does change it.

I remember this too, much more negativity than positive experiences. Some people even seemed quite gleeful as they were telling me I wouldn't have a full night of sleep for a few years.

As it turned out she was an excellent sleeper, a chilled toddler and is now a (usually) polite, caring and funny teenager. Of course there were hard times but I don't think a majority of women go into parenthood expecting all sunshine and rainbows.

I've no idea why people do it. Very few people are truthful about it. It is the most selfish thing a person can do and yet it's framed as something that everyone should do and if they don't then they're weird.

I will not be bowing to social pressure/expectation and will be sticking at one child.

So many people don’t though and go on to have two or three kids. So, they must get something from it in that case but I don’t know why anyone would feel the need to do it all again when you’ve already experienced it once already especially if you found it hard and struggled with sleep deprivation, lack of social life, etc….could anyone enlighten me??

I remember people saying exactly the same to me when I was pregnant with my first and I hated it, especially when they'd say "you think you're tired now!" and "sleep whilst you can!", when I was barely sleeping at night. It made me feel so overwhelmed and anxious.

Honestly, it is exhausting but it's also the best thing you'll ever do. You'll love them more than you've loved anyone and once they're here, you won't want to imagine life without them. It is both the hardest thing I've ever done and the very best. You're going to be just fine

Maybe I’m in the minority but I would say because it’s wonderful. I have 3 under 5 and get to spend most of my time with these hilarious beautiful children who I made and have the responsibility of showing the world. Yes it’s exhausting and relentless sometimes and it would be nice just to have a day to myself but my life is 100x richer and happier for having them. Your life won’t be the same as it was pre children, I think if you can let go of that idea and embrace your life with children then you’ll be happier.

Also I would add that the final trimester of pregnancy was much harder for me than the newborn days. So it won’t necessarily get harder

I don’t want children and all I get told is it’s magical, you never know joy like it, your life isn’t in colour until you have kids, you become a brand new person, you’ll know what love is when you have kids, you’ll never be lonely again, you see the world as brand new, you never worry about anything again, every day will have wonder and similar.

Everyone I’ve ever known who has said they wanted kids/got pregnant get what you get! Utterly bizarre.

Being a mum and nurturing and loving your new baby, their smell, their warmth and weight on your chest, the smooth skin, their fingers curling around yours, their deep contentment and relaxation when you’ve fed them and they are drifting off to sleep, getting them all lovely and comfy in their pram and going for a walk in the spring sunshine, singing with them at baby group and laughing with the other parents as you realise the babies don’t have a bloody clue what’s going on, getting a really good table in the coffee shop and having a hot cuppa and a chat whilst baby sleeps, putting them to bed with that feeling that you’ve given them a really nice day and they’ve had a lovely time, when they cry out in the dead of night and you go to their room and put the lamp on, sit in the chair and lift them to your breast which is full and uncomfortable and they latch on and settle and you flood full of oxytocin and you sit in the quiet dark feeding your baby and think about the other mothers round tbe world doing the same right now.

Motherhood has been full of these secret simple lovely pleasures for me, and it only continues and grows as they get older. I hope it goes the same for you too.

The women who are presenting it like this to you are being dicks. Sorry for the bluntness. It can be very hard but it’s amazing too. People shouldn’t sugar coat it either but there is a balanced way to talk about it