If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

@Lilybow

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(

I had rough pregnancies and found the first few weeks with a newborn much much easier than that. Including with my first, who was a pretty hard baby but at least I wasn’t pregnant any more.

People wouldn’t have more than one child if it was so unutterably horrible. I do not know why people find it acceptable to scare pregnant women with this “oooh you think it’s hard now, you just wait!” thing. (They also do it with parents of babies - “you think it’s hard now, wait until they’re walking!” And then when they are walking - “toddlers are a doddle, wait until you’ve got teenagers, you won’t know what’s hit you.”)

It isn't all bad OP. DC2 had colic and from birth to about 16 weeks. It was hard but you come through the other side of it.

Some people are just miserable and only look at the bad side of life. Focus on the positive and you'll be far happier.

Having kids is, at best, a colossal high-stakes gamble with fate. You might have one and find out too late that you're going to be doing it all on your own, forever. Or that you are fundamentally not suited to the huge sacrifices that parenting requires, but tough shit, no backsies. Or all it takes is for your child to have a small chromosomal abnormality or neurodiversity and bing, your old life really is gone and independence is never ever coming back.

Why do we do it? Hormones, selfish genes, and social norms, basically. As a decision, it makes no logical sense whatsoever. For most people, it more or less works out, mostly. I don't regret mine, but the scale of the gamble I took with my eyes shut still chills me.

It's a basic biological urge to procreate.

People tell themselves 'their' child will be a breeze.

With the fall in family size, siblings rarely get to see how hard it is. My granny gave birth to 15 children and my mum was under no illusions about the reality.

Parents now have an extended period of adult life without children so a baby is more of shock.,

Previous generations shared childcare in a way we don't now. Your sisters, aunts and cousins would all live in walking distance and would pitch in.

Parenthood was less pressured. My mum recalls leaving me in my pram whilst she went into a shop. She recalls pushing a pram round the village age 10 for women who had recently had a baby.

We have more options than previous generations did, but we have made parenting very high pressured. Any error is seen as failure.

@Andgettingcaughtintherain

I don’t want children and all I get told is it’s magical, you never know joy like it, your life isn’t in colour until you have kids, you become a brand new person, you’ll know what love is when you have kids, you’ll never be lonely again, you see the world as brand new, you never worry about anything again, every day will have wonder and similar.

Everyone I’ve ever known who has said they wanted kids/got pregnant get what you get! Utterly bizarre.

I 100% agree with this.

I am child free and very happily so. My life is wonderful, filled with love and colour. I don’t need a child to know what love is (such a bizarre thought that I hear so many parents spouting ) and yet despite having the above mentioned to me many times over the years, when it comes to their own children most parents I know seem to do nothing but complain. Hardly the utopia they try to convince me of when telling me I should have children…

It’s not awful, pregnancy can be different for everyone. My first was amazing, I felt great and loved every second of it, easy birth but it ended there. DS did not sleep at all and I mean he didn’t sleep. Once he was about 9 months things settled and it was great, he was good toddler and he was amazing until he hit 18 then it went downhill from there. My second pregnancy was awful from word go but DD was an amazing baby, slept through the night from the beginning, she was a great toddler, she’s soon to be 16 and up until she was 14 she was brilliant but she’s a hormonal teenager and drives me up the wall now. Would I change anything? No. Everyone’s experiences are different and how you deal with things will be different. Don’t panic because you are not the people who tell you all these negative things. Will you have bad days? Yes, who doesn’t but you’ll also have really good days. Stay positive and remember this is your experience not anyone else’s.

I was worried about similar things.

However ignore these people. They're just projecting their own issues on to you.

I'll be honest the first week was hell for everything. Pressure for baby to gain weight, feeding issues. Hormones, birth recovery., tiredness. But you just cope. Seek support where you can and just trudge on through. I think your body is designed to counter act the tiredness post birth. I felt normal on about 3 hrs sleep. Which is far from normal for me!

After the first week things improved alot. I got a bit of a routine and balance. Still tough days but generally fine. I'm a routiney person. So for me getting up, showered and dressed every morning helped loads. Getting some daylight and keeping some normality.

Now things are great. I love it, honestly. Do i miss child free activities yep sometimes but now we get to do fun kid stuff like puddle splashing and farm trips and stuff. I had my time for dinners out, etc. Now i enjoy a family dinner out.

The saying the days are long but the years are short is very true. Before you know it your little one will be in childcare and you can enjoy some alone time or time with your partner. We actually plan an annual leave day every so often to do this, a whole day kid free is lovely. And before long your little one will be a big one and going to uni or leaving home. Your life isn't over its just changing.

Top tips.

-if you plan on breastfeeding have numbers of local lactation consultants and support groups to hand now. Including details on any private tounge tie service. The NHS offering for BF support is dire and private support will help. I find a lot of women who really want to beeastfeed end up feeling crap when its not working out and they're forced to give up.

-discuss how things are going to be now with your partner. We did this and it worked well. He took on all cooking, washing and cleaning for about 6 months. This included making me breakfast and lunch on days when i was stuck under a feeding baby. On occasion litterally feeding me. We also worked as a team. Even now bath and bedtime is a team effort.

-grab sleep when you can and prioritise your needs over others. If the house is dirty so what, nothing wrong with a nap.

-get a sling. A lifesaver with a clingy baby. Means you can do stuff and cuddle baby.

-ask for help when you need it. I rarely did this and i regret it. Thankfully my parents just did things without being asked which helped us hugely. But if you need sleep ask someone to take the baby for a walk. Dont ask dont get.

-dont put too much pressure on yourself. If all you achieve in a day is getting dressed thats still a win. Just go with the flow and take things as they come.

"Third trimester tiredness is no joke. It’s really tiring having a newborn as well. Let me know how I can help you with any of the mental or physical load"
"The time you and your husband spend together will be reduced, but when you do get one on one time, it’ll feel special. The other times, you get a cool little human with you"
"Your social life is going to change, a lot of it for the better"
"Babies are all encompassing and need you 24/7. But you really matter too. If you need a break to have a shower or go to the shops, I’ll be there"
"It’s really really hard, but it’s really really awesome and rewarding as well"
"Colic is a really hard thing to go through. I’m here if you need someone to cry to"

What I would now say to a imminent FTM to be, importantly…IF THEY ASKED!

Honestly we do it due to hormones and biological programming.

There is 0 logical reason for having DC.

I have 4 and still get broody! Just learnt to tell my hormones to bloody shut up.

Because having kids can actually be amazing.

I was terrified of having my first after all the negative comments about tiredness, crying, and warnings about never having a hot cup of tea again.

Our babies were actually delightful! Hardy cried, fed well, slept reasonably well and were just a joy. There have obviously been hard days, but nothing that bad.

I’m am adult, I knew I would be giving up a lot of freedom to raise children. I’m always astounded by people who don’t think that through to be honest. And I remember that everything is just a phase. The challenges change as they get older. But the rewards come every day.

You’ll be fine @Lilybow - congratulations x

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance

“ Now things are great. I love it, honestly. Do i miss child free activities yep sometimes but now we get to do fun kid stuff like puddle splashing and farm trips and stuff. I had my time for dinners out, etc. Now i enjoy a family dinner out.”

But surely you can enjoy child free activities at times too? E.g get a sitter and go for a fancy meal just you and your DH or go for a night out with your mates whilst your DH looks after the kids? The idea that you’ve ‘had your time’ doing these things is a misnomer to me. It’s like someone saying ‘oh, you’ve had 35 years of weekends, you don’t need anymore, you’ve had your time, hope you enjoyed them whilst they lasted but this is your life now’.

I don’t get it! 🤷‍♀️

It's the hardest thing I've ever done - and the best thing I have ever done.

The early years are hard, and a shock to the system as you adapt to being a parent to a little being totally dependent on you 24/7, but you'll be surprised at how fast that time goes (while sometimes feeling interminable)!

At the moment I'm looking at my 19 year old, about to leave home (she was born with the landing gear halfway down, we always joked), wondering where that time went.

If you're terrified, you have imagination. Imagination, in my opinion, is a big part of being a good parent. You'll be fine!

It's wonderful. The sleep deprivation is brutal and I think nothing can really prepare you for that (at least it was like that for me but I know people who've had better sleepers) but it gets easier every month and then every year. It's fascinating seeing a little human develop and seeing your role in that and the love you feel is matched by nothing else (as is the worry and the pain). At least that's my experience. Kids are amazing. At least your own are. It's difficult to out your finger on it what makes being a mum so wonderful as everything you have listed in your op is true for me but somehow it's all worth it. Maybe that's just the way we have evolved (basically to be masochists when it comes to kids...). It's just an amazing experience.

If you are interested in child development I recommend "the scientist in the crib". It doesn't offer any advice but gives an astonishing insight into why our little dragons behave the way they do. It makes it easier for me to detach when things can tough and be more accepting if whatever is happening.

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

Having kids is, at best, a colossal high-stakes gamble with fate. You might have one and find out too late that you're going to be doing it all on your own, forever. Or that you are fundamentally not suited to the huge sacrifices that parenting requires, but tough shit, no backsies. Or all it takes is for your child to have a small chromosomal abnormality or neurodiversity and bing, your old life really is gone and independence is never ever coming back.

Why do we do it? Hormones, selfish genes, and social norms, basically. As a decision, it makes no logical sense whatsoever. For most people, it more or less works out, mostly. I don't regret mine, but the scale of the gamble I took with my eyes shut still chills me.

Great post.

Is it the same person terrifying you OP? Can you avoid them? It seems odd you have a lot of weird people all telling you this shit.

The only one of those I recall is people explaining how tired you will be. I think they were well meaning as in, get every last drop of sleep you can now.

I don't know anyone who would say having children is/was awful. We all have our shit days, but that happens whether you have DC or not. I would say having them was the best thing I have ever done, and I have led a pretty interesting and varied life

@Lilybow

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(

Bless you, please try not to ruminate on these tactless remarks, honestly. Being a first-time mum is very tiring but I found I had a new sort of energy that I could only put down to pure love. You will love your baby so much, the love will give you what you need to keep going. Do make sure that others support you though; Your DP/H, your own mum. They can mind baby whilst you have a sleep, or a bath or just eat your dinner. Please don't worry yourself sick like this. I wish people would think before they open their gobs! All the best OP, you'll be grand and it will be worth it!

@BrightonBunny

Is it the same person terrifying you OP? Can you avoid them? It seems odd you have a lot of weird people all telling you this shit.

The only one of those I recall is people explaining how tired you will be. I think they were well meaning as in, get every last drop of sleep you can now.

I don't know anyone who would say having children is/was awful. We all have our shit days, but that happens whether you have DC or not. I would say having them was the best thing I have ever done, and I have led a pretty interesting and varied life

I don't have many friends who are mums so it's a select few and yeah it's really impacting me now, my friends who aren't mums don't say this to be fair.

I bloody love being a mum. My son is 9 and my best friend. Yes the baby years weren’t exactly easy - he didn’t sleep through the night until he started school - but he was ace during the day! Honestly you’ll be fine. People wouldn’t do it time and time again if it wasn’t enjoyable.

I don't know why people do this - I had 2 great, easy babies & had just as many lie-ins, nights out etc as always. It's the people who become slaves to their baby who say this - you can love them more than anything without the entire world revolving around their nap times!

@Andgettingcaughtintherain

I don’t want children and all I get told is it’s magical, you never know joy like it, your life isn’t in colour until you have kids, you become a brand new person, you’ll know what love is when you have kids, you’ll never be lonely again, you see the world as brand new, you never worry about anything again, every day will have wonder and similar.

Everyone I’ve ever known who has said they wanted kids/got pregnant get what you get! Utterly bizarre.

I can say, hand on heart, that a lot of this is true for me. Having children completely changed my world, and absolutely - for me at least - there's no other love which even comes close to it.

And I say this as someone who has a DP who I love very much, and a career that I really enjoy. But the DC are the thing that changed me as a person irrevocably - and I can't think of a single other experience which has the same impact. And I apologise if that's insensitive, but I feel that it's a point worth making when there's statements like this which imply that it's not true and exaggerated.

If you're a mum and don't feel like this, that's OK. We all have our own experience of parenting. There's no right or wrong in any of this.

I have twins, both SEN, and unplanned. They were premature and poorly so it was a tough start. And I was single by the time I gave brith. It was the last thing I wanted to happen and I was devastated when I fell pregnant. Some times have been difficult but I'd never want to change my life. I feel very grateful to have two lovely children. There's no happiness which compares to what I've experienced as a mum.

If having children wasn't for you, there's no judgement from me, we all make our own life choices.

I made my choices, and I bloody love having kids.

It isn’t awful, it’s amazing, and I’ve loved every minute. People only talk about the bad stuff cos the bliss side of it is unfashionable these days. But if you have the time and money to focus on your baby, then the bliss and joy are very real.

The people saying all that to you are weird and not very nice, I feel sorry for their children.

It’s a bit like saying “oh no you’re getting married now you can’t have one night stands and go on holiday on your own whenever you feel like it or pick a curtain colour without asking what your husband thinks.” Those things may be true, but that doesn’t mean getting married isn’t awesome.

Hello from the other side op! Baby boy is 11 weeks. It’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s unrelenting and there’s no ‘day off’ but it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve worked much harder than I am now as a new parent!! When you see the smiles it lights up your soul. You will still have a life, but it will be a bit of a slower pace to start with - that’s what I found/am finding. Everyone told me I was too stressy - I had everything planned and all the gear organised etc - actually I’m glad I did because once he was here all I had to do was enjoy him, recover, and I had no extra stuff still to organise. Do it your way. My only slight regret is not harvesting colostrum before birth as I think this might have given my breastfeeding a boost.
Congrats! Xxx

It's hard work, especially in the early years if you get a bad sleeper. However, it definitely isn't the most difficult thing I've ever done (my job is infinitely harder!) and there are many very lovely aspects to it that make the harder parts more tolerable for most of us.

Of course, parents of children with SN probably have a much harder job than the rest of us, and I imagine that that is extremely challenging. Its probably much harder for single parents. And parents of large numbers of children probably have a hard time too, but in most cases, that is a choice that they have chosen to make after knowing what they were getting into!

For me, parenthood has primarily been a source of great joy and satisfaction, and not really that much hard work. It's the best thing I've ever done, and I've been lucky enough to do some pretty cool stuff. I think it helps that I was ready for it and it was the right stage of my life for it. Only having one dc due to secondary infertility probably helped too. And maintaining my career/financial independence.

To address each of these:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here" - OK, the first 12 weeks or so are total chaos, but honestly 90% of my friends have been able to get reasonable sleep by the 6 months point, (or earlier), but about 10% got unlucky and had a persistent non-sleeper.

"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone" - this depends - I think one prepares to make reasonable adjustments and no one expects it to be the same. If you can afford babysitters or have family nearby who will help you can keep up a decent social life.

"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself" - again, not necessarily. You don't have to feel bad about not giving constant attention. They may go through clingy phases, but they can be happy in bouncers, baby gyms for stretches and for god's sake allow yourself to lock the door when you go to the loo

"Hardest thing you'll ever do" - yes, but worth it

"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that" - no, you don't want that

Parenting is fucking hard, but my kids are fucking awesome. Just - remember that this too shall pass, and that applies equally to the good and the bad. So drink in the great bits and hang onto the fact that the bad bits will pass!

Currently having covid snuggles with my two while we watch films. I love now they're old enough to watch proper films