If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

Babies can be hard work, but the baby stage doesn’t last long. Baby cuddles make up for the tough bits. Some people are just over dramatic, ignore them.

@LuckyWithMyLot so in 12 months you didn’t ever have 5 minutes to yourself?
You didn’t see a single person socially?
You didn’t spend anytime whatsoever with your husband? Not even watched a tv show or ate dinner together whilst the baby slept?

All these comments are completely accurate BUT what they don't mention is how much you'll love your baby. It is truly an amazing feeling (most of the time). Good luck!

@LuckyWithMyLot sorry just reread OP and seen it says go out with your husband not spend time with! I still don’t agree with them. I chose not to have a date night in the first year with all of mine but I wasn’t desperate for one and it wasn’t for lack of opportunity. We had dinners today and watched films etc

I found pregnancy tiredness far worse than newborn tiredness tbh. Pregnancy tiredness is like this whole body fatigue that you can't do anything about.

I think having kids is like anything in life – some people take to it, some people don't, some people will have an easier ride, others won't. I think the issue is that you can't really tell well beforehand which category you will fall into, which is the tricky thing. I never thought of myself as massively maternal but I was shocked by how much I absolutely loved that year off on maternity and how much I've loved being a mum. I don't think it's awful at all. There's difficult days, sometimes it's tiring, but the highs more than make up for it for us. But there are so many variables for each individual set of circumstances that there's just no way blanket statements can ever work.

I also agree that there's no love like it and that's not something you really 'get' until they are here. That's not to reduce the lives of people who don't have kids in any way, as they will have experiences that I won't end up having either. It's just different things. But the strength of feeling I have for DD is nowhere close to anything I've felt before. It's primal, really.

I'm 6 months pregnant with DD2 and certainly wouldn't be having another if it was awful! I'm watching DD play out in the garden and having a cup of coffee and I love just watching her learning about life and enjoy experiences. There's something just wonderful about seeing your child in awe or enjoying a new life experience. The sheer joy earlier when she found a beetle in her little playhouse - such a little thing but it's been making me smile all day.

@russianspy101
Are you always so literal?
You can understand what the statements convey, surely?

You have much less time to yourself than before, socialising is a rarity etc.
I'd say most new parents would agree.

As my DS hardly slept, any spare minute I had was either used for napping or browsing mumsnet like a zombie.

Long gone were the shopping trips, spa days and long lunches with mates.

@Lilybow

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(

I remember 6 weeks after having my baby and going out for a long walk and crying out of sheer relief that I felt well enough to do that. During my 3rd trimester I'd be in pain and to the point if exhaustion walking up the stairs. I felt completely useless. That goes and it goes quickly after giving birth.

It's almost immediate after giving birth the sense of being able to refill you lungs with air! The pressure just gets lifted and it feels amazing!

Except for the immediate week following my c section, which was rough, I have not felt as rough, exhausted and as completely useless and fed up as I did during my 3rd trimester.

@LuckyWithMyLot

I think when you pause and actually think about it

You really think every single point without exception was true for you

And extra “shit” besides?

* In my experience every statement holds true for the first year of my child's life, yes.*

I think it’s become fashionable to bitch about your kids and to moan about parenthood. Maybe it’s a reaction to the era where everyone had to disguise the bad points and boast about their kids, but it’s really tedious.

Yes it can be hard but having a little person who makes your heart burst with love and pride every day is so worth it. I don’t find it super hard, I have a husband who does half of the work and the kids grandparents babysit once a month or so - so we do get time out together. Plus I can go out whenever I want with friends (after the first few months when the baby is pretty dependent on you - but for the first bit of that they are also pretty portable.

Don’t worry you will be fine. It can be a bit of a shock to the system at first but you’ll soon love your new normal.

@Moancup

I think it’s become fashionable to bitch about your kids and to moan about parenthood. Maybe it’s a reaction to the era where everyone had to disguise the bad points and boast about their kids, but it’s really tedious.

Agreed

All the gin drinking etc
And the slummy mummies etc

It’s seems so stale

Not sure why people are commenting on the validity of my experience?

Yes, all statements held true for me.

DS slept poorly, had severe eczema, has severe food allergies, reflux (and several other issues).

It was during lockdown and I had little help from others.

I'm entitled to comment on my own experience. Even if it's different to yours.

Yes then you say your comments shouldn’t be taken literally!

I love my kids the end of the earth and back, they’re the best things to happen to me. Would I do it again? Not a chance!

Well, the reason we do it is that, like other animals, we have a strong biological urge to reproduce. We might dress it up with all kinds of complex emotional, social and lifestyle reasons, but essentially it's whst we're programmed to do.

Fwiw though OP, I haven't found any stage of parenthood at all awful, and mine are now 14 and 16. I suppose they've still got time to make me eat my words .

Are you always so literal?
You can understand what the statements convey, surely?

The OP is asking whether the statements she’s heard does convey reality. It’s exactly what she’s seeking information on!

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"- co-sleeping and breastfeeding eradicated this for me and for those I know who did it. Baby wants to be with you, it's natural. Trying to train them to sleep alone is futile and yes, you will lose sleep.

"You and your husband will never go out together alone again" - As soon as baby is happy to be left with a relative of course you can.

"Your social life is gone" - no it's not, you just go out and don't take the child.

"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself" - so give the baby your attention, it's all they want and you never get that time back.

"Hardest thing you'll ever do" - sure it is, you're completely responsible for a life, but the key is to enjoy it.

"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that" - not sure what this is to be honest. My baby had no health issues and still doesn't. I make her health my priority.

It's all what you make it. Life's what you make it. Parenting is what you make it.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Because nobody tells you how awful it is and when you've had one it's too late.

It's also too late when you're pregnant though.

Don't listen to the negative nellies !

I felt way better with a newborn than when I was pregnant. I slept MORE too and was more able to do things, eventhough I had a c section.

Not all newborns are nightmares with colic. Mine wasn't ! I kept thinking how I could easily work, as the baby slept so much and was so chilled.

She was formula fed from 3 weeks, which I think can make things easier. So don't worry. Having kids is hard. But it's hard for a few years and everyone gets through it and so will you.

I think the toddler years are probably harder, in my own personal experience so far. But at least they sleep all night, unless they're sick. Which they are a lot.. but generally, it will work out and you will pull through.

My little boy is almost a year old.

The sleep deprivation in the early weeks was unreal. I think it helps to understand that newborns don't have day and night, they just have an endless nap cycle, i.e. wake, nappy change, eat, sleep on a 2-3 hour cycle. It does get much better after a while, and once they are sleeping for 4 hour stretches you will feel much better, even if you are still waking up a couple of times in the night to feed.

You will be very constrained by nap times. When your baby is a newborn and napping all the time but anywhere, take the opportunity to go out with your baby in the pram, carrier or car. Newborns are very portable. The worst stage is once they get to around 3-4 months old and still need lots of naps but need to have them at home. Then you only get very short windows of time to go out. It gets much better once they drop to two naps, and even easier when they drop to one.

If you plan to breastfeed, it's very hard at first (nobody warned me how sore my nipples would be) but if you make it through the early weeks it gets much much easier and for me it is one of the best things I have ever done. If you do plan to breastfeed, however, get a Haakaa to express milk and give your baby a bottle a couple of times a week from when they are about a month old. Trust me, you don't want a bottle refuser.

The smiles and giggles and cuddles are amazing. ❤

Try to enjoy the newborn snuggles because they're not quite the same once your baby is heavy and wriggling and wanting to look at everything.

If you have parents or in laws close by who are willing to babysit and you trust them, get into the habit of leaving the baby with them every now and again. The first time I did it, my baby was 6 weeks old and I went for a pedicure. Your life will be much easier if you are able to leave the baby with someone else even if it's just for an hour or two. And once you feel up to it and your baby (and boobs, if applicable) goes a full evening without a feed, or can take a bottle, go out for dinner with your friends. Having a baby absolutely does not have to be the end of your social life.

It'll be fine. You've got this.

I've got 3 kids and 2 dogs. It's all about forgetting what people tell you and going with your instinct.

@crispmidnightpeace
Not necessarily depending on how early on in the pregnancy you are

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@crispmidnightpeace
Not necessarily depending on how early on in the pregnancy you are[/quote]
In which case it probably wouldn't come up in conversation. "I'm pregnant" oh congrats... "yeah, about that"

lol really not applicable is it if you're going to abort.

I think there’s a real “thing” right now to be open about the challenges of parenthood, which I think is broadly a good thing, but I wonder if people are overcompensating somewhat. I mean, the whole “it’s all a dream” thing was too rose-tinted, obviously, but the “it’s hellish and you’ll regret it forever” is also (far) too negative for the vast majority of people. The reality for most of us is somewhere in between and the pendulum swings from pretty good to pretty shit from day to day and year to year. Something I often thing (my kids are 1 and 4 so still early years) is that there is lots of joy and love in my life but not as much fun! But that’s within my power to change, and I will do- once I’ve had enough sleep to hatch some plans