If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm with you! I had one and would talk with friends who had their first babies at the sane time, they seemed to find it really hard too and then as soon as they were all 2/2.5 they were pregnant again and it absolutely blew my mind! I could never do this again!

You never fully appreciate what a blessing it is to have a child until something goes wrong in your life. As long as things are going alright, all you can see about being a parent are the extra chores, having to clean up after the child, not being able to spend alone time with your other half etc.

But when something goes wrong, and you need to pull yourself together or just take your mind off your worries, there is nothing in this world that can help as much as your own child hugging you, kissing you and just enjoying your company for no other reason than the fact that you are YOU

It's awful when people put downers for expectant first time mothers, sometimes I thin they're just trying to help but most are just being thoughtless. Like any adventure in life there are ups and downs. Ever baby, birth and pregnancy are different. I hope your enjoy this time and afterwards as much as you can. I love being a mother and I'm sure you will do. Congratulations and good luck x

I'm exhausted with my 18 month old but she makes me laugh every day, my heart bursts full of love for her constantly. I am so grateful for her and even on our hardest days, once she goes to bed and I have a minute to breathe, I think of how much my life has changed for the better. I can't wait for the years to come.

It is HARD and some days you'll ask yourself wtf you were thinking but it just dissolves once you see that sweet sleeping face!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I have a nearly8 month old baby boy and he is wonderful! I know we’ve not been doing it long but lm loving being a parent.

When I was pregnant I was told to make the most of our time as a couple, I’ll always be tired etc but you know, it is tiring, but you get through it, it’s manageable. I think as everyone told us how it awful it would be that I was really expecting it to be terrible, the reality never matched the expectation.

And you do have time with your partner, but it’s family time. I love having dinner with baby in the high chair with us, it just changes things but it’s not bad. When he’s in bed im watching videos of him. I never thought I’d have a baby but I’m so glad that I have, it’s wonderful. I’m seriously contemplating baby number 2 but it’s the thought of pregnancy that really puts me off.

I really hated being pregnant and for what it’s worth I felt more tired pregnant than when the baby was here!

[quote Andgettingcaughtintherain]@SpidersAreShitheads it’s not insensitive to me because I don’t want kids rather than can’t have them, and I’m really pleased for you. I know motherhood can be amazing, which is sort of my point, why do those who aren’t mothers get all the amazing stories and those about to become mothers get all the horror stories. I don’t know what those people hope to achieve but all they’ve done is upset the OP, it’s horrible![/quote]
@Andgettingcaughtintherain - I absolutely agree!

None of us should be trying to change another woman's mind. It's entirely valid to choose not to have children, in the same way that it's a not a shit and second-rate life if you DO have children.

I know lots of women who have had amazing experiences as mothers. And I also have lots of friends who have deliberately chosen not to have children, and also have fantastic, fulfilled lives.

It's not a contest and we don't need to persuade another woman to switch "sides". Any choice has pros and cons, nothing is ever perfect.

Having a newborn is so much easier than being pregnant.

@Franca123

Having a newborn is so much easier than being pregnant.

For your pregnancy, and with your baby. There are plenty of people who had easy pregnancies, and/or difficult babies, for whom the opposite was true.

I hated pregnancy and especially second time around felt ill, exhausted and in pain constantly.

I love having a baby, I love my toddler, hopefully I'll love the next bit too. Yeah it's exhausting, but that's because it's so all consuming and so different to life before babies. That's why the second one didn't feel so hard, I'd done it before it wasn't as earth shattering.

For what it is worth I love being a mum, and not just because I love the absolute bones of my babies. I enjoy the day to day grind, I like bedtime stories, bathtime, doing crafts, slow walks to the park, messy play, mud kitchens. I like having little kids, I know I'll miss it loads when they're big.
You'll find your own joy in it, and it will be different to what other people do. I have friends who hated the newborn bit, loved the newborn bit, are loving parenting teenagers, hated the primary school phase, love their kids sports team etc. Being a mum isn't the same experience across the board, we are all different and our babies are all different.

My little boy is still only a baby but I absolutely adore him. My husband and I exclaim how lucky we are several times a day, I really can't believe how perfect he is.

The lack of sleep is the only hard part for me so far but I'm managing it okay.

It's the best and worst thing at the same time.

Is can be both amazing and awful at the same time. Some parenting moments are incredibly heart warming, some are breakdown inducing. It’s fine for it to be both, that’s just life and part of being an adult isn’t it?

It's harder than you can imagine before having them, in ways you'd never consider. That's the truth.

Why do we have them? Because we biologically and socially want them. Because life without them is pretty dull after a while.

You'll soon find out. Personally I prefer it when people tell the truth because there's nothing worse than thinking it'll be really amazing and fulfilling and then feeling alone when you feel down and stressed

Why do people have kids if they don't want to look after them?

If people still want to go out every night in your 30s and 40s then good for them. I love being able to settle down, I'm a single mum after ex left us when DS was 2 but I've never ever been happier!

It's harder than you can imagine before having them, in ways you'd never consider. That's the truth.

Not for me
The endless mumsnet threads about how shit it is
All the “unmumsy” bloggers
The endless news articles telling me how deeply and profoundly hard it is

Turns out… it was actually a fraction as the apocalyptic impression that is now doing he sounds about becoming a parent

Doing the rounds

The tide has turned so much the other way

It’s almost shameful to admit that

Actually, it wasn’t that bad. Scrap that, it was pretty bloody good and no nearly as hard as everyone said it would

I hated the first year but then I had a traumatic birth and PTSD. I was already sleep deprived & exhausted in the third trimester so in the end i was a hallucinating a week after birth but I was on a ward for that time with sleepless nights due to sepsis. I was breastfeeding but I wish someone would of told me a few bottles of formula wouldn’t stop me producing my milk- all I needed was a full nights sleep but I thought any formula=failure. If that ever happens to you and you get that tired then let someone take over and if you can’t sleep get sleeping pills!
It’s the sleep deprivation that can be torture but it depends what type of baby you have. Prepare now and freeze meals for yourself and have formula on standby incase you need sleep and someone else to feed. They are worth it and things do get easier as they get bigger. Mines 3 and I am loving this age. Don’t let people scare you they are just really mean !!

The lack of sleep is the biggest shock ever especially when there not even a chance to recover from birth - but don’t worry about that ! you will just get through it you just somehow do it, just make sure you’ve got support ready for when you need it.

It will be amazing just imagine holding your newborn for the first time 😍

We have the urge to reproduce, like other animals. Some of us can control the urge, but most can't.

It is the hardest, most incredible thing I've ever done.

Many women do choose to not have children; it's a perfectly valid and not that unusual choice. I suspect many women have children because of social conditioning and societal/familial pressure rather than genuine desire to parent.

I just think it's quite British isn't it - complaining and moaning and trying to put people off of their plans?
I also think in the 80s/90s/00s it was all about feminism and ladettism and going after your career, and to hell with kids and family. However, it turns out most women want them.
So we now have a situation where women feel they have to constantly trash talk motherhood for fear of letting down the 'sisterhood'. They can't publicly say they enjoy it.
And I say this as someone who is resolutely childfree by choice.

Ugh. Mine is three and a half and couldn't make it through a mother's day meal without needing constant attention. I'm having my second bath of the day to get away.

@Andgettingcaughtintherain

I don’t want children and all I get told is it’s magical, you never know joy like it, your life isn’t in colour until you have kids, you become a brand new person, you’ll know what love is when you have kids, you’ll never be lonely again, you see the world as brand new, you never worry about anything again, every day will have wonder and similar.

Everyone I’ve ever known who has said they wanted kids/got pregnant get what you get! Utterly bizarre.

This. I am a step-mum to my partner's DS, I can't have biological kids due to cancer treatment a few years ago - nor honestly do I particularly want to, I love and enjoy DSS and that's enough for me. But I also get this implication I'm missing out on something I can't possibly understand, even that I'm not a whole person or woman because of it and need pity or sympathy. But at the same time mum friends also constantly telling me how hard it is and how much they miss stuff they did pre-parenthood. Basically women can't do right for doing wrong and someone will judge you no matter what choice you make (or even if you have no choice in the matter as some don't).

@Franca123

Having a newborn is so much easier than being pregnant.

No way!