Page 12 | If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

MabelsApron · 28/03/2022 13:45

If it helps, @MurmuratingStarling, I feel sorry for you in return having read that insight into your thought processes.

KELLOGSspeck · 28/03/2022 13:48

Maybe the mums telling you this are going through a tough stage, it's all depends on your support network or lack of. This is key.

I think a lot of people do it again because it's what society expects! People constantly assume and bombard you... when you having another... don't leave it too long... you don't want a big gap.

There's no thought if your coping with the current one never mind the 2nd child!

shivbo2014 · 28/03/2022 13:59

I absolutely love it, its been the best time of my life! I honestly cannot say there is one bad thing about having kids. I even loved the night feeds. Its all an amazing experience. The first few weeks can be a bit of a shock to the system, just because it's a bit overwhelming to have someone need you for literally everything.

babyjellyfish · 28/03/2022 14:11

I even loved the night feeds.

I loved having those quiet moments with my son in the middle of the night when we were the only two awake and he would fall asleep after feeding and I would just sit there and hold him sleeping on my chest for a few minutes before putting him down again. And it lasts for so short a time. He is almost a year old now and has been night weaned for a while. And he's too big and wriggly for those kinds of cuddles, but there are so many lovely things about the age he is now too.

Bella3456 · 28/03/2022 14:15

I would say I struggled a LOT especially the first 3 years he was a very very fussy baby. Hes 6 now and although I'm tired I really do enjoy it and its all worth it :-)

Pebble55 · 28/03/2022 14:25

Just ignore them. My baby daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. If you constantly dwell on how great your pre-kid life was (was it really?) you'll never move on and relish being a parent. Life is divided into chapters that you can't always write, and parenthood is one of them.

DazzlingDarrenDring · 28/03/2022 14:55

I would say, that when it's good it is amazing and life affirming.

BUT for quite a lot of the time, it's difficult, exhausting , unrewarding and bloody miserable.

What I would say though, is that life can be like that anyway, without kids.

Like anything in life , you get into a routine and it becomes your everyday existence.

TrippinEdBalls · 28/03/2022 15:12

@babyjellyfish

People can be awful about this. I don't know why all the people who talk like this to childless people can't take their odd brand of positivity and help new mothers with it instead.

I think some people's sense of self worth is derived from feeling that they have done things better than others, so they get more satisfaction from telling someone who doesn't have the things they have that they have made bad life choices, than they do from telling someone who has the same things they have that they have made good life choices.

I think this is absolutely true, and about their personality not about any sort of objective assessment of parenthood. I know one person in real life who is like this (the partner of a close friend) - her children are a tiny bit (less than a year) older than mine and she takes huge pleasure in telling me that whatever bit I'm in now is very easy but the next bit is awful. This made some sort of sense, though was a bit unpleasant, when I had a newborn and she had a nearly one year old, it's absolutely ludicrous now they're older and so the age gap isn't particularly significant (they're in the same school year!) but she still does it. But again, that's just her - she is the first and most burdened mother in the world, but before that she was the world's first medical student, the first doctor and the only person to have a long-term relationship so this is a continuation of a trend. I'm reasonably certain if she were child-free she'd have plenty to say about that...

babyjellyfish · 28/03/2022 15:21

This made some sort of sense, though was a bit unpleasant, when I had a newborn and she had a nearly one year old, it's absolutely ludicrous now they're older and so the age gap isn't particularly significant (they're in the same school year!) but she still does it.

I wouldn't even say that makes sense. Surely it depends on the person, and on the baby.

I have an almost one year old right now. My husband thought the newborn stage was awful and is much happier now. I enjoyed the newborn stage and I am enjoying this stage too. In any case, we're about to TTC again so apparently neither of us are completely traumatised!

TrippinEdBalls · 28/03/2022 15:34

Oh, I didn't mean that she was inherently right then - I also prefer one year olds to newborns! What I meant was that her insistence that she knew so much better than me and 'oh just you wait' wasn't so weird (though it was unkind) at that point because the parent of a one year old is comparatively more experienced than the parent of a newborn and can perhaps offer them some advice from experience . The parent of a 5 year old doesn't really have a wealth of added experience over the parent of a 4.5 year old!

babyjellyfish · 28/03/2022 15:38

Yes, very true!

Lightning020 · 28/03/2022 15:50

I have found motherhood gets more fun as they get older. D's is now 17. I am not an earth mum so found preschool years quite crippling.
Many parents still go out if family help or if they do swaps with friends of hire babysitters etc.as
Some babies sleep well it all depends.
Everybody varies in terms of how they find m otherhood. o
It is still the most rewarding experience I have ever had and I have done many things with my life.

Katieandthekids · 28/03/2022 17:02

UGH FFS it's not that hard people need to get over themselves. Unless you have a preemie or poorly child or suffer PND it is FINE

'You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"

Nothing NOTHING compared to pregnancy tiredness for me. At least newborn tiredness can be fixed with a nap

"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"

Not true. I have 2 year old twins and a newborn. Once my twins were 3 months we got them used to a bottle, left them with the grandparents and went for dinner and lunches regularly.

"Your social life is gone"

Some of the best people I know are mum friends. What you do will change but that's fine.

"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"

Well... yes... because for them they don't see you as a separate entity. It doesn't last long.

"Hardest thing you'll ever do"

But so so rewarding

"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

All babies get colic in some form for some time really. It's not forever.

I don't love the newborn stage, give me toddler tantrums over a screaming colicky newborn but I'm sat writing this as my twins play happily in the garden while I sit in a chair with my 9 week old strapped to my chest fast asleep becoming day by day a little more aware, a little more fun and she is totally perfect.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 28/03/2022 23:20

In answer to your question OP:

Because nobody tells you how awful it is and when you've had one it's too late.

I would add that even if someone tells you how hard it is, you don't believe them. And people who say, "it gets easier" - NO it doesnt always get easier, sometimes it just gets harder and harder

AntarcticOwl · 28/03/2022 23:27

Baby's just the beginning. Easiest years.

I love my children more than life itself. Nobody tells you what it's really like though. Then once you're in the club there are no refunds.

Thirkettle · 28/03/2022 23:43

Having kids isn't awful. I don't know why people started shit-talking their kids for fun, it's vile, but the ones who are the most negative usually have have the worst-behaved kids.

Babies are nice. Toddlers are good. Small kids talking. Bigger kids. Going swimming, seeing movies, going on holiday. Reading favourite stories. Watching them grow into fabulous people.

Negative 'mums' are toxic. I kept away. I think there's something suspicious about women who turn hating their kids into a personality.

milkyaqua · 29/03/2022 02:46

People unhappy with their lot as parents always bleat, "Nobody told us!" You'd have to be pretty unobservant to not notice babies, toddlers, children, and teens can be very draining to be around and often boring.

TrippinEdBalls · 29/03/2022 09:03

@milkyaqua

People unhappy with their lot as parents always bleat, "Nobody told us!" You'd have to be pretty unobservant to not notice babies, toddlers, children, and teens can be very draining to be around and often boring.

But that's the thing - they are normally unobservant people, because they're usually people who don't look beyond themselves. They also normally expect a load of help and special consideration as parents of young children that they'd never dreamt of offering to anyone else before they had their children. That's why they think no one said it was hard, and also why they think they're the first people ever to have endured this - because they're fundamentally uninterested in other people's experiences.

bluebeau · 29/03/2022 09:21

@Lilybow

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

Dad here and I didn't want a kid and I had all of these told to me too. . But what I did notice was when people were telling me this I realised it was THEM who was the bad parents.

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here" - You'll be fine, theyre not that tiring
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again" - you will, thats what grandparents are for. We went to Miami when our little one was 6/7 months old. Amazing 4/5 nights away.
"Your social life is gone" - bollox, take your baby out with you, they then learn to be out around other people.
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself" - all they want is your attention but if you just give it them they dont demand it so when they are playing by themselves it wont be a problem.
"Hardest thing you'll ever do" over dramatic
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that" all babies are different, they cope and overcome everything

Good luck, you'll be fine

Franticbutterfly · 29/03/2022 10:54

It can be tough for the first few months, but all in all it's the best thing ever! I love being a Mum. I really love the kids. Probably should've had a fourth really.

CounsellorTroi · 29/03/2022 10:59

@milkyaqua

People unhappy with their lot as parents always bleat, "Nobody told us!" You'd have to be pretty unobservant to not notice babies, toddlers, children, and teens can be very draining to be around and often boring.

People are always told they’ll fall in love with their baby as soon as they see them but that doesn’t always happen. I imagine it’s very easy to feel like a failure if it doesn’t.

housemaus · 29/03/2022 12:02

As a person who doesn't have children and was on the fence, I'm so grateful for people who are honest about how hard it can be.

It helped me see what I wanted for my life and what I valued and that the hard elements of parenting do not, for me, feel worth the gamble that I'll love it all anyway (as many PPs have said they do!). That's really important, I think - that honesty stopped me having a baby because I felt like I should, or that I'd just work it out.

However, it's not especially useful once you're already pregnant/have decided you do want children! I guess in your position I'd take it as an 'underpromising/overdelivering' type thing, where once you know how bad it could be, when it's gorgeous and joyful you'll feel glad and grateful for that!

HardbackWriter · 29/03/2022 12:20

People are always told they’ll fall in love with their baby as soon as they see them but that doesn’t always happen. I imagine it’s very easy to feel like a failure if it doesn’t.

I think that's a very good point. I don't tell people that they'll love their baby instantly because I know not everyone does but if I was giving an overview of my own experience of parenthood I'd say it was hard work but absolutely worth it, but that's heavily based on the overwhelming love I feel for my children. I have so much sympathy for people who don't feel that but I also find it hard to imagine - without that parenting must need feel like a never-ending slog.

LucyLocketLostThePlot · 29/03/2022 12:40

I found the newborn stage the hardest by far. Things get massively better though. They're an absolute joy to have around now. It's all worth it.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 29/03/2022 12:56

@MurmuratingStarling

Gotta love the way the child-free seem to be able to go on about how wonderful their life is, and how free they are do everything they want, and how they can just travel all over the world at the drop of a hat, etc etc.. They act like anyone with children can't possibly do ANYthing, that their lives are stunted or broken, and boring and full of drudgery. And their relationships go tits up as soon as babies come along.

Yeah - it's OK for the child-free to bash and berate mothers, but God FORBID you say anything about THEM. Oh no no no, that is NOT allowed! All I said was I feel sorry for them, because I do, as I can't imagine life without my children in it. They are gifts and they are precious to me. It's just my opinion.

And I clearly hit a raw nerve with @AnIconOfImperfections and @RoseIsGold and several others, according to the ludicrously sarcastic and spiteful remarks aimed at me PURELY because I said having children made me a better person.. Yes I AM a better person for having children.

My life was good and I was still a good person before I had them, but my life is SO much better for having them, and I became a better person because I started to put people before myself; a thing I never did when I was child-free. Why are several posters so upset and offended by me saying having children made me a better person? You are taking this very personally, and getting rather angry about it. Why???

I feel for women with no children, also, because I know 4 women - now 50-64 y.o with no children, and they are the loneliest people I know. They had a great career, lots of travel (which, SHOCKER you can have with children too!!!) and they were married. (Now divorced or widowed,) and now they have no-one. Their parents have passed away, and 2 of them are 'only childs' with no siblings, and 2 have a sibling they never see.

It really hits home on Mothers Day when the mothers are showered with flowers and gifts and visitors, (children grandchildren, and great grandchildren,) and these child-free women have no-one. Same with Christmas and birthdays. No-one.

I am sure the child-free women on here have just OOOODLES of people in their lives, and are always drinking, dancing, and travelling, and living their best life, but as I said, I do know some women who are child-free who are incredibly lonely. (Lockdown was a killer.)

And it's not really going to change. They won't have children at 55+ and they will very likely not find another man. A couple of them have been trying to find a man for 4-5 years, but there is really no-one out there for women aged 55-60+ No-one worth bothering with anyway

SO yeah I feel sorry for them. So shoot me! That is just my opinion. Wouldn't bother you unless I hit a raw nerve, and came a bit close to the bone. There's no need to be so bloody rude to me, I AM entitled to say I feel sorry for them, and having kids made me a better person, without being berated for it, just as YOU are entitled to say mummies having dull and boring lives full of drudgery, which you child-free always say!

I'm out. Coz clearly I hit a raw nerve with the child-free! And some of you really don't sound very nice at all. I will leave you to your vitriol.

Hiding the thread now. Have a good day.

I think this is one of the vilest posts i've seen on here in a long time.

You're quite clearly a terrible person so I can't imagine what a monster you were before you reproduced.

If you believed what you had written, why the live-laugh-love-hun follow-up messages about name changing?