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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

231 replies

Creams0da · 27/03/2022 11:07

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 27/03/2022 14:36

He’s been complete honest with you; he doesn’t want to move.
You either accept that and stay with him down South, or move on.

You could issue him an ultimatum of course, but I don’t advise it
.
If he doesn’t want to move. It’s fair enough. If you don’t want to stay, that is also fair enough.

You need to work out what’s more important to you.

Westfacing · 27/03/2022 14:39

My thoughts - not in any coherent order!

Finding a decent partner who you want to be with and get on with is harder than finding the ideal place to live

I live in inner London - there are loads of parks and outdoor space

I've been on work assignments to many outer London areas and it's surprising how rural\semi rural these places are, particularly those on the end of the Rail/Tube lines.

You mentioned Battersea Park - I live there and wild horses wouldn't drag me out of this area, and my titchy 2-bed flat! Yesterday I went to the other side of London to Hackney Marshes... canals with houseboats, wildlife, bee hives, huge expanses of green space, running/cycling tracks, all within an inner London borough!

Loads of city-dwellers, in expensive cities all over the UK, cycle, have outdoor hobbies, live a reasonable distance from parents and family.

Wherever people live they can make a good life and no-one is ever very far from open countryside.

dottydodah · 27/03/2022 14:41

Can you not compromise and go in the suburbs ?An hour or so from London . Still within easy reach but generally less expensive more chance of a garden .

MargosKaftan · 27/03/2022 14:41

Hes been clear. He was living this life when he got together with you. You have been happy to live overseas then not near your family for your life, but he's not. He will take a smaller home for more family and friends time. For him, quality of life isn't house size related. You have moved away from family more than once so it isn't something that factors in as much for you.

Options could involve a holiday home in the countryside and continuing to rent in London, looking at properties outside M25 but near decent train links into London (eg somewhere in Kent or Essex with under 30mins train journey to London).

But putting your idea of high quality of life (bit house, countryside) as better than his idea of high quality life (being able to spend time with friends and family, having a strong network) is unfair. You might conclude you two can't be truly happy together long term, one of you will have to lead a life you dont want to keep the other happy.

gingerhills · 27/03/2022 14:43

I think it's fair enough for him to want to be close to family and a team he is very invested in. But he also needs to accommodate your needs. There are loads of 'outdoorsy' areas near London. Where are you now? What kind of outdoor stuff do you love todo? You can kayak on the Thames near Kingston, walk in acres of Woods at Epping. There's a huge nature reserve in barnes etc. Just focus on what outdoor life you want and explore where in or near London offers it to you then look fr=or the nearest area of affordable housing.

SucculentChalice · 27/03/2022 14:44

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love. People move continents to be with each other. He is objecting about a 4 hour car journey to visit his parents. Its not as if its for work, for him its for life. Imagine if you worked hard in London and then wanted to buy a second home in France or maybe retire there? He'd never manage that, and thats a thing countless people do.

C8H And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

Um, York University, Leeds, Hull, Manchester, Liverpool, Salford, Durham off the top of my head. All commutable form parts of Yorkshire.

Is he an academic? Staying in one place will be very limiting for his career in most fields, especially if he doesn't have tenure yet.

LadyMacduff · 27/03/2022 14:45

Neither of you are being unreasonable in what you want out if life, but if it's a fundamental issue for both of you then you might not be suited.

Personally, I would never move hours away from my family, at least not on a permanent basis, so I see why this is a red line for him. I also wouldn't want to live in a very expensive city like London, so I understand you as well.

Whinge · 27/03/2022 14:46

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love.

Such a sexist attitude. Hmm

Unsureaboutit9 · 27/03/2022 14:50

@SucculentChalice

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love. People move continents to be with each other. He is objecting about a 4 hour car journey to visit his parents. Its not as if its for work, for him its for life. Imagine if you worked hard in London and then wanted to buy a second home in France or maybe retire there? He'd never manage that, and thats a thing countless people do.

C8H And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

Um, York University, Leeds, Hull, Manchester, Liverpool, Salford, Durham off the top of my head. All commutable form parts of Yorkshire.

Is he an academic? Staying in one place will be very limiting for his career in most fields, especially if he doesn't have tenure yet.

This is daft, why does the man have to give up everything and move absolutely anywhere to prove he’s in love? Why not the woman? How does she prove she’s in love? And how is living in London career limiting? It’s not just about his parents, it’s their way of life and all his friends and family. Them wanting different things doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her.
AhNowTed · 27/03/2022 14:51

He's not being at all selfish.

As someone who moved away from home many years ago, with now adult children and a comfortable life, I would have made some very different choices.

I would give up an awful lot of my supposed lifestyle to be surrounded by the love and support of my family.

Sirzy · 27/03/2022 14:51

man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love.

Nice bit of sexism there!

He has been upfront about his desires and reasons. He has ties to the area which are very valid.

It seems part of the issue is the Op desires a lifestyle that realistically isn’t going to be achievable

LadyMacduff · 27/03/2022 14:53

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love. People move continents to be with each other. He is objecting about a 4 hour car journey to visit his parents.

I don't like this overly romantic sentiment. You can be in love and have great chemistry with someone but not share the fundamental values that mean you are compatible. I expect a lot of people who abandon their whole life, and make their entire existence about one person end up a bit disillusioned to say the least. Also puts a lot of pressure on the other person to make the tremendous sacrifice worthwhile.

Deciding to spend your life with someone is about quite a lot more than passion, in my opinion.

TatianaBis · 27/03/2022 14:54

I’m a born Londoner and I love this city in a way that’s a bit mad, so I understand your DP’s perspective. And no he won’t be happy anywhere else.

I guess you need to decide if you really can’t be happy anywhere here, even the outskirts.

Areas even in inner London with parks and commons and heaths don’t feel urban at all.

HelloDulling · 27/03/2022 14:55

If you leave him, it’s because you want a different life, not because he doesn’t want a better life. If you are going to make that decision, own it. “We split up because I wanted an outdoorsy life in Yorkshire.”

HelloDulling · 27/03/2022 14:57

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love. People move continents to be with each other. He is objecting about a 4 hour car journey to visit his parents

And the OP is objecting about not having cycle routes on her doorstep.

Blossomandbee · 27/03/2022 14:58

The problem is you just want different things and your idea of a better life isn't the same as his.
There are lots of places easily commutable to London that aren't too expensive. There are affordable areas of the midlands that are more rural yet have direct rail links to London. Or what about somewhere like Bristol and surrounding areas? Cheaper than London, city life with lots of accessible countryside but about an hour on the train to jobs, friends and family in London?
There are options, but you both need to compromise. If you stay as you are then resentment will creep in.

HaveringWavering · 27/03/2022 15:00

I haven’t read the full thread (though i have read all your posts OP), but a few questions:

  1. How old are you?
  2. Do you want kids?
  3. Would you be able to find the same quality of work satisfaction outside London? You say you both work in academia, isn’t that highly dependent on location?
  4. Could you both get equally suitable jobs in one single location outside London?
  5. Are you fond of his family?
  6. Do you wish you were closer to your own family?
  7. Are you 100% sure that you don’t have better earning potential for the long term future if you stay in London?
  8. Do you have a car? My perspective on what I could and could not achieve in terms of days out really changed when I got a car, but it did take a while to get my head round having one and living in London.
2bazookas · 27/03/2022 15:03

A fun 4-year relationship is a good experience to have had, and will be a happy memory. But this relationship clearly is a compromise, not a life-time relationship. From it. you've learned what you really want ( and, what you really don't want). Use it as a benchmark for the kind of relationship that would last a lifetime. (or at least, last the quarter century it takes to raise and launch a family, if that's in your plan). This one is drawing to a close, your gut is telling you that.. End it well, before it all goes to shit and bitter regrets and move on.

You only get one life .. don't waste it trying to live HIS life for his sake
. You can do better.

IME, Moving to a new place where you know nobody, is exciting and often surprising. That's how people find themselves and grow into their fuller existence.

DDouble2BubbleNot · 27/03/2022 15:11

Ultimately, you want different things

If you want Yorkshire, make the move yourself to your better life now

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 27/03/2022 15:14

Not all of Sussex is ridiculously expensive. More expensive than Yorkshire I’m sure, but less so than London. Plenty of people commute to London from there and you have the South Downs and the coast.

You could certainly get a two bedroom house with a garden for a reasonable sun.

Loopytiles · 27/03/2022 15:17

I had similar situation many years ago, but unlike you OP am from elsewhere in the UK. DH wanted to stay in London primarily for work and friendships, and was upfront that he wouldn’t move to my preferred location 5 hours away, where my family and friends were.

I considered moving alone, which would’ve ended the relationship, but stayed and we got engaged, married, had DC. Moved out of London to the commuter belt mainly due to housing (again, DH’s choice, another option was to move to my preferred location).

Overall it’s worked out well, but I still think I’ve made many more compromises than he has!

CockingASnook · 27/03/2022 15:23

Are you renting in London but looking to buy soon? Could you compromise and move to within an hour’s commute of London? There are still some places that feel wild within that distance, such as the South Downs in Hampshire, which have hills for hiking and cycling. A two-bed house would be around £350k.

HardyBuckette · 27/03/2022 15:24

@Summerfun54321

What you’re describing is the dilemma that pretty much everyone who lives in a big city things about. Most of us don’t consider leaving our other half’s over it though and most of us manage to have the conversation and make a decision and a compromise. The issue isn’t his decision, the issue is why you’re considering leaving your DP over it.
I dunno, I think the higher housing costs in London add another layer to this that's only there in particularly expensive cities. If the situation were otherwise identical but they were living in Birmingham or Manchester, there'd be a much better chance that OP and DP could afford a place with a decent garden less than an hour from his parents and football club, because prices there are a lower multiple of earnings.
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/03/2022 15:29

If you aren't happy at the prospect of staying in London, end the relationship. He's not unreasonable or selfish to want to stay in London and his reasons are valid. I live in London and don't want to leave, some of my family live in the country and it's village life for them, I think it's so boring there, I'd be miserable to live there. He met you in London and hasn't indicated he wants to leave, so I can't see that this is a surprise to you.

Cherryblossoms85 · 27/03/2022 15:29

Not sure I see the dilemma. If not living in London is more important to you, then you move on. If he's more important, you stay together. Confused as to what he's supposed to have done wrong.