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Original poster

To leave DP for not wanting to have a better life

231 replies

Creams0da · 27/03/2022 11:07

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 27/03/2022 15:33

@Creams0da

I've been with DP for four years. We get on great, have loads of fun together, and he's a really good man. We met when I was working in London on what was meant to be a temporary basis after I returned to the UK after living overseas for a few years. My plan was to work and save for a few years, and move somewhere else, possibly Yorkshire area.

However. He wants to stay in London forever. He grew up here, his family are here and he's part of a football team that he's played with for 10+ years that he loves.

I try raising the idea of leaving London. Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London, he just won't discuss it at length. Because his family are here he just seems to have the mentality of 'oh well just have to accept this is our lot because I want to live within an hour of my mum and dad.'

I know a lot of you would just say leave him and live your life. But the decisions are kind of this: stay with someone I want to be with, who I'm happy with, in an area where I have friends, but compromise on where we live and the quality of life we can have.

Or end the relationship, move away to somewhere less chaotic than London, closer to outdoorsy activities I love, and start afresh.
But then I've lost a great relationship, won't know anyone, and quite frankly will have halved my household income, and with housing costs going up, probably won't be able to afford the life I want anyway!

Thoughts/advice?

I can understand your perspectives and frustrations, but if it's just the "outdoorsy activities" that your after, how sure are you that these will be achievable, worth the effort, and you'll be happy with the result overall ?
amnm · 27/03/2022 15:34

I don't think he's being unreasonable. He had his life set up in London before he met you and doesn't want to leave that. I can understand that, and don't think you can expect someone to leave everything behind their preferred life to live your preferred life instead.

Ultimately he wants one thing, you want another. They are both fairly incompatible, so if you stay together, whichever option you choose, someone is going to be resentful of the other.

crispmidnightpeace · 27/03/2022 15:37

He's being honest about what he wants in life; to be near his parents and in his little team and in the city he presumably loves. He's been honest, so if you can't accept that then you need to leave him so he can be with someone who wants what he does. He's not hidden this from you so you can't stay then use it against him later. He’s not tried to deceive, he's open. He doesn't want to discuss it because it's not up for discussion.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to live by his parents and it's not selfish, they probably want it too. There's nothing wrong to want to live in your home city, unless you pretend you are up for moving then renege.

The question you have to ask yourself is what is more important to you? This relationship or moving around loads?

Imagine yourself in your new home, doing whatever it is you need to be doing that’s not in London, and imagine how it feels not having him there and never seeing him again.

Then imagine yourself in ten years' time at home with him and your kids or whatever, and think how much moving homes a lot prevents you enjoying that.

Do you want a family and children? How old are you? Do you have time to find someone new, build a proper relationship, and have children?

Just some things to consider. I completely understand you don’t want to stay in one place, same as I can understand he does. I don’t want to leave where I am now, I love it here. I dislike living in London and would not stay there and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to leave either.

But you need to ask yourself the serious questions and get real about what you actually want in life.

He's done nothing wrong and he isn’t not wanting a better life, he likes his life the way it is

crispmidnightpeace · 27/03/2022 15:40

@NoSquirrels

I don’t think it’s that selfish of him.

He’s never had the dream of moving to the countryside, away from London. He met OP living in London. He’s not promised her anything other than what she saw and fell in love with.

Even though we clearly can't afford to have the life we want living in London

It’s interesting that you say the life we want - because what is that? The life he wants is to be near family and friends - that’s his priority. He doesn’t feel anything is missing…

Also framed as "not wanting a better life"

He's happy dammit, what's wrong with that? What's not "better" about being happy and content?

However does he realise how much cheaper life is outside of London? It's an absolute game changer to be honest. My quality of life up here is so much better because I have more extra money and need to do less work.

But if he's making enough to still be happy in London then good for him! Quite a feat in fact.

Echobelly · 27/03/2022 15:41

It's not that he doesn't want a better life - he doesn't want the life that you want, and that may be a deal breaker for this relationship.

I probably wouldn't stay with someone if they wanted me to leave London, I have to say.

Snog · 27/03/2022 15:46

I did split with my partner of 4 years when he moved to London and have no regrets. It was the only reason that we broke up and he needed to be in London for his career.

Only you can decide on your priorities OP. Maybe one or both of you could change career or job either to improve your income and be able to enjoy the benefits of London or to move to Sussex, which is obviously cheaper than London and has beautiful countryside.

I think there are loads of compromises possible here, just depends if any of them are palatable to both of you.

Original poster
Creams0da · 27/03/2022 15:47

@HaveringWavering

I haven’t read the full thread (though i have read all your posts OP), but a few questions:
  1. How old are you?
  2. Do you want kids?
  3. Would you be able to find the same quality of work satisfaction outside London? You say you both work in academia, isn’t that highly dependent on location?
  4. Could you both get equally suitable jobs in one single location outside London?
  5. Are you fond of his family?
  6. Do you wish you were closer to your own family?
  7. Are you 100% sure that you don’t have better earning potential for the long term future if you stay in London?
  8. Do you have a car? My perspective on what I could and could not achieve in terms of days out really changed when I got a car, but it did take a while to get my head round having one and living in London.
I'm 35, DP is 36. Most likely won't be having kids. We can find work outside of London, although will need to be tied to a university town/city. I like his family, we get on well. I like my family too but we're quite independent and not as close (as in we don't discuss every single tiny detail of each others lives). DP has two brothers, two cousins, an aunt and grandparents he has strong relationships with. I don't have siblings, grandparents or extended family, just my parents. Earning potential is really limited currently. I've been considering a bit of a career change which would bump my salary by £15k a year and has potential for hybrid/remote work. But £15k more a year isn't enough to change our financial circumstances in this climate unfortunately. Longer term the progression prospects are better. We did have a small car but it was on its way out so we recently sold it. Parking where we currently live is very difficult!
OP posts:
JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 27/03/2022 15:50

You met him in London and he doesn’t want to leave. You also don’t need to have a chaotic and non outdoorsy life in London! We have peace and outdoors too! My life isn’t chaotic and I’ve literally just come home after walking in Epping Forest.

In any case you want different things from him, that doesn’t make him selfish. He doesn’t want to move to Yorkshire so maybe it’s best you split.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/03/2022 15:51

C8H And how would Yorkshire be any better if you are both academics needing jobs where you are on site most days?

Um, York University, Leeds, Hull, Manchester, Liverpool, Salford, Durham off the top of my head. All commutable form parts of Yorkshire

Yes I'm aware there are universities in the north of England. The point is with two academic jobs to find unless they are fine with a sizeable daily commute they will likely end up living in Leeds anyway which may render the OP's desire for what sounds like life in the dales a bit moot.

Currently they both have academic jobs in one region. Shifting that scenario to a new region and finding a rural location which is easily commutable to both institutions is not likely to be easy.

Snog · 27/03/2022 15:54

How much do you both earn?

balalake · 27/03/2022 15:54

I think you could probably live within an hour of your MIL/FIL and have the kind of life you seek, albeit not in Gods Own Country. The football will not last for long before retirement I expect.

See if you can have a conversation about somewhere you could both accept will meet 90% of your wishes.

Holidays27 · 27/03/2022 15:57

He has the life he wants and he has been honest or has he promised you he will moved?

Oblomov22 · 27/03/2022 16:00

I don't think it's selfish of his either. You just want different things. I wouldn't want to move to Yorkshire either, I like living her with all my friends and my mum an hour away.

Happyher · 27/03/2022 16:01

He’s just being honest with you. He doesn’t want to move, you do. It’s for you to decide what is more important to you. If you’re young, ie twenties, I’d say follow your dreams and leave because you may well regret not doing so when you’re older. Maybe if he loves you he will follow. In some part of Yorkshire houses are quite cheap compared to London prices

Oblomov22 · 27/03/2022 16:03

Cycling and a garden? You only have uk move slightly out of London and you get all that. Stop being over dramatic.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 16:07

Relationships are often linked to context, especially if one or both of you are not from the area.

You change the context, you change the relationship. Many fail after a move.

When I did it, some one said to me she wouldn’t move for a job or a bigger house. I thought she was short minded but now, with the benefit of hindsight I know see how right age was. Is the life around work and out of the house that makes you happy, if you cannot replicate that life elsewhere, it turns into a golden cage.

EthelTheAardvark · 27/03/2022 16:10

He has been honest.
He likes his life and isn't going anywhere

His football team is more important than you, however unpalatable that is to you.

He cares for you, but not above the familiar life he enjoys

I don't think that's accurate. He cares for OP, what he doesn't necessarily care for is her dream of a supposedly better life in the country. You could equally accuse OP of caring more for her dream of country life. And it would be equally untrue.

I must admit to seeing some red flags (for OP's partner) in her statement that he's generally very compromising in their relationship, and that the only thing he isn't compromising on is in being reluctant to leave London. Rightly or wrongly, it gives the impression that he compromises virtually every single time and OP can't accept that his wishes for the future aren't the same as hers. I'm also not too clear how practical the move to Yorkshire (or wherever) is anyway in terms of, for instance, finding work - especially since OP says that commutability is a barrier to finding somewhere out of London but in reach of Sussex.

OP, there are places within 60-90 minutes of Sussex that are cheaper than London, I would have thought that's where to start looking.

Hawkins001 · 27/03/2022 16:10

@Creams0da

Based.on your latest post what exactly do you want e.g. Item by item list ?

TheOriginalEmu · 27/03/2022 16:11

@HellToTheNope

I'm wondering what else you'll have to sacrifice to keep him happy. Everything is on his terms, and that will breed nothing but regret and resentment. It's ok to admit that he's not the man for you, regardless of how much you might care for him.
I don’t think that’s fair. From what the OP says SHE always had the plan to move away before she met him, but he never said at any point he wanted that. If it was so important to her to move away then she shouldn’t have started a relationship with someone who hasn’t expressed any desire to do that.
Horcruxe · 27/03/2022 16:14

You're still young.

Personally I'd leave.

Make a new life for yourself.

You

Rewis · 27/03/2022 16:22

And a man will move mountains to be with you if he is genuinely in love.

A woman will stay put in their current honwtown if she was genuinely in love. Works both ways. Ridiculous sentiment.

SometimesNine · 27/03/2022 16:23

You have different goals in life. You want to live in the countryside, he doesn't, it doesn't make either of you selfish.
How is that selfish to want to live closer to your parents?
Basically, it appears you want him to sacrifice his happiness, leave everything he enjoys to fulfil your dream, which he doesn't share.
Leave him and find someone else who will share your dream of life outside London.

Frenchie8690 · 27/03/2022 16:26

I live in London like your OH although I didn't grow up here. I have friends in Yorkshire and visit regularly. It's a beautiful part of the country but no way would I ever move out of London to Yorkshire. It's a completely different lifestyle and my whole life is here.
If my OH wanted me to make that move I couldn't do it, not even if the compromise was living in one of the cities in Yorkshire

Rewis · 27/03/2022 16:26

It's equally selfish/not selfish to want to leave as it is to want to stay. He wants to stay in London and you want to got o Yorkshire. Neither of you are wrong. Location is important. Either one of you agrees to stay/move, break up/long distance or you find a compromise somewhere with easy access to London but has nature hikes. Think what are your dealbreakers and then have a good talk.

BlueSummerBaby · 27/03/2022 16:27

We both love trail and tour cycling and hiking, and would love to have a garden, which are all (to me) quite basic pleasures in life. Neither of us are into material things. But none of these things are really possible if we stay in London forever.

I wouldn't be swapping friends and family for a particular type of cycling and a garden.

A partner is supposed to enhance your life. I wouldn't consider someone taking me away from everything I know and everyone I love to be enhancing my life. If I was your boyfriend this would be a deal-breaker.