Mother’s Day Disappointment…

[5upermum]

Mother to toddler and currently 10 days overdue with second baby. Husband has basically made zero effort for this awful thing called Mother’s Day, despite me asking him to book something nice like a lunch or ANYTHING for us to do that isn’t exhausting at this stage of pregnancy.

My gifts were a watering can, which has been sat in the car boot for a month and I’ve seen it every time I open it, even though I already own one, and an empty picture frame. No flowers, no breakfast, no cup of tea, no taking toddler so I can have a lie in.

I’ve had quite a difficult end of pregnancy and have been quite unwell, now very uncomfortable and overdue. His reasoning for not booking or doing anything was “in case baby comes”, but I wasn’t aware this stopped him from at least bringing me a cup of tea or saying “Happy Mother’s Day”.

I know lots of people don’t celebrate it, or think it’s a load of rubbish, but I’ve always made such a big deal for Father’s Day and he knows that I wanted at least some fuss given that I’m feeling miserable and huge. He’s apologised for not doing anything, but I’m just upset that I feel so overlooked. Motherhood has been such a struggle recently and one day of fuss would have really cheered me up.

Pathetic, I know. Just needed a rant I guess, I don’t feel I’m being totally unreasonable but maybe I am?

Ah Mother's Day! The day when women on Mumsnet berate other women for having any expectation whatsoever that their partners will show how much they appreciated they are for giving birth to and raising their children.

If your husband/partner can't be arsed then he's not only showing you that he doesn't especially value you, he's also showing your kids that there's not much value in you either.

I feel sorry for women who think that's acceptable. It's not.

@TheSnowyOwl But you aren’t his mother. Surely the four year old is of an age he can put together a card at nursery to mark the occasion?

This thread just gets dafter 🙄 yeh he just checks the calendar remembers it’s Mother’s Day from when he was 3 year old asks for some card and pencils and cracks on.

Or did you mean that nursery could remember that it’s Mother’s Day and sit down and help the child make a card? Is that not like shifting the responsibility from the parent to nursery?

Just another reason to excuse the thoughtless DH / DP from having to do something.

I am not my DP’s mother but he appreciates how much I do for his children and enjoys making Mother’s Day about me. He also takes flowers to his aunt who was good to him as a child, she’s not his mother either. Yes he pays more for a less flowers but it means so much to her, and that is what matters.

So many women throwing scorn at others for something they don’t have, want or need. Why, what is your life missing that you feel the need to do this?

Maybe the four year old doesn't go to nursery? @TheSnowyOwl

OP, I don't know why you have bothered with Father's Day at all, as that really is a non-event and a money-spinning invention. There is no such thing!

Other than that, it would have been nice for you to have had a cup of tea in bed - but for most of us, Mothering Sunday is unremarkable, so you are in good company.

My DP made me a smashing cooked breakfast and told me I was a great mum (he is full of shit but I love him). My 19yo finished work at 3am and is still in bed. I do not expect a card or flowers from her though.

That's shit, you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

@Whadda

Love to all those mums on here. We do a great job. All of us.

Not every mother on Mumsnet is a good one. The same as I’d you walked into a random shopping centre, not everyone there is a great mother just because they happen to be in a particular place at a particular time.

There are some shit mothers on here. There are some fantastic ones.

There are some who fell at the first hurdle by choosing shit, selfish men to gather their children.

And this is spot on.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect DH to have made an effort here. If not a lunch out, he could easily have bought in OP’s favourite foods and put together a nice meal.

My DH brought me tea and breakfast in bed (though does the tea every morning so that’s not a Mother’s Day thing) plus thoughtful presents chosen with the DC. We’re going out to lunch but I booked that a few months ago (OP, you should do the same as it only takes a few seconds online and means you get to go somewhere you want; it’s not especially thoughtful for DH to physically make the booking instead).

@AnastasiaRomanov

Why is DH expected to behave as if you are his mother? The baby isn’t even born! My OH has never done anything for Mother’s Day. On the basis that I’m not his mother. It’s up to my children now to mark it and often they don’t do much! It’s just a made up day to make money. Father’s Day is a bit of a non event in our house too. I would never have thought of making a fuss of my OH on behalf of our children.

FGS, the Op has a toddler, who’s hardly going to be able to go and buy presents/cards or make cups of tea on his/her own.

No DP is obliged to do anything, but it’s so much nicer if they’re thoughtful enough to make a bit of an effort.

@Clymene

Ah Mother's Day! The day when women on Mumsnet berate other women for having any expectation whatsoever that their partners will show how much they appreciated they are for giving birth to and raising their children.

If your husband/partner can't be arsed then he's not only showing you that he doesn't especially value you, he's also showing your kids that there's not much value in you either.

I feel sorry for women who think that's acceptable. It's not.

Absolutely this!!

Please PLEASE put the watering can back in the boot and present it on Father’s Day 😂

I think you’re being a bit sensitive.

It’s literally just a day and you did get gifts they’re just the wrong gifts.

A cup of tea in bed sounds lovely but not everyone wants to sit in bed drinking a cup of tea especially when so pregnant and needing to pee as soon as they wake up.

Some people would love a lie in on Mother’s Day but others would hate it.

What’s more important is how he normally acts the rest of the time.
Tell him you want a lie in and cup of tea brought up tomorrow - you shouldn’t have to wait for Mother’s Day for these sorts of things.

@Clymene

Ah Mother's Day! The day when women on Mumsnet berate other women for having any expectation whatsoever that their partners will show how much they appreciated they are for giving birth to and raising their children.

If your husband/partner can't be arsed then he's not only showing you that he doesn't especially value you, he's also showing your kids that there's not much value in you either.

I feel sorry for women who think that's acceptable. It's not.

Every year!! It's depressing

Well I don’t do Mother’s Day in that I don’t expect a gift or a meal out. But I do get cards made by the kids and a cup of tea in bed. I know to you feel you shouldn’t have too but sometimes you really need to make your expectations clear. My husband fucked up my 40th, I let him Know about that one big time. Fortunately he hasn’t forgotten.

I hope things improve as day goes on but pretty shit for you so far, hope the baby arrives soon

I won't get anything from either of my (adult) sons, never have unless my DH has reminded over and over again. Not bothering any more. I've obviously raised them wrong!

I got breakfast in bed but then DH left me with both the kids who then started fighting, one needed a poo so I had to get up to help her wipe, then she talked non stop so I couldn't read my book, all the while he was sat downstairs eating his breakfast watching tele in peace. I went back to bed as the house was an absolute state. They've all gone out to walk the dog and I've come down and hung washing out, hoovered, emptied the overflowing bin and tidied up. It's the same for birthdays, Christmas, all of them, no effort made at all. I buy my own presents now as well otherwise I get a shite box of chocs. I give him the same treatment on his 'special days' but he doesn't seem to care

Aww I know it is a crap feeling!

I got nothing other than a morning of kids and DH arguing, so just cracking on with the washing now and il go sit in the garden with a cuppa and ignore them all for a bit

I like the concept of mothers’ day, it’s not a new celebration, it’s been around for centuries. I’m not so keen on the commercialisation of it. DPs should help young kids to celebrate it as they can’t on their own. It’s lovely where older kids make the effort to visit mothers or send a card when they can’t and call. To me it’s about a bit of effort/time spent and care for your mum. It really doesn’t have to be a lot. I’m lucky, my DD has just cooked me a lovely breakfast and my DS who is away at uni has sent a card and will call later. I do feel for you OP, it’s rubbish to have your role as a mother ignored.

I think YANBU to be upset he didn't book something when you asked.

But YABU to say he didn't recognise the day - he got you two presents!

@WonderfulYou

I think you’re being a bit sensitive.

It’s literally just a day and you did get gifts they’re just the wrong gifts.

A cup of tea in bed sounds lovely but not everyone wants to sit in bed drinking a cup of tea especially when so pregnant and needing to pee as soon as they wake up.

Some people would love a lie in on Mother’s Day but others would hate it.

What’s more important is how he normally acts the rest of the time.
Tell him you want a lie in and cup of tea brought up tomorrow - you shouldn’t have to wait for Mother’s Day for these sorts of things.

The OP shouldn’t have to wait till Mother’s Day for a cup of tea, but if even on Mother’s Day, it doesn’t occur to the OP’s DH that his heavily pregnant wife might like some time off and a lie in, that is a bit rubbish.

@5upermum I'm currently at home sulking because I'm incredibly disappointed too.

I've got two young children under 2 and a month ago sent my husband a link to a bottle of wine and asked him to buy me the wine and a bunch of flowers and book lunch for us. Decided I would make it easy for him to avoid disappointment and upset on the day.

A list of my grievances:

Yesterday he says "oh we need to go to the supermarket to buy some breakfast for tomorrow". We didn't have time to go because we had a family party so I've woken up to literally nothing to eat in the house other than cereal. I texted him to bring me a cup of tea which he did but it was only when I asked him to go and buy me some food that he went. He then comes back makes me some eggs and plonks them down on the table where I have them on my own. Table not set, children half dressed, husband in a huff.

He hasn't organised anything for today. I was hoping he might have arranged for me to have some time alone or some pampering but he goes "you can do whatever you like today- go to the gym or something". Lol.

We've booked lunch later but I had to organise it in the end because he left it too late to book brunch/lunch so I did it.

He got me cards and a picture and a plant. All lovely I'm sure but the plant and picture are not my taste at all and aren't the wine and flowers I asked for. I really hate it when he buys me things that aren't my taste or I don't like as it makes me feel like he doesn't know me at all and makes me feel rubbish about our relationship on top of everything else.

I've just had to suggest to him to take the children to the park so that I can get some alone time! On his way out he's still asking me "do you want me to bring them back for their lunch, what time shall I get them back?" And I had to make the babies bottle. I just wanted a bit of a break from being a full time mother!!

I KNOW I'm probably being ungrateful and awful and I'm sure I'll get roasted on here but I feel so gutted. I feel like I made it easy for him and I'm pretty easy to please. Some breakfast and some flowers would have been enough and maybe just the suggestion "I'll take the kids out whilst you have a bath" but he's not thought of anything like that.

When you’re this heavily pregnant he should be taking your toddler both Sat and Sunday and allowing you to rest regardless of it being Mothers’ Day. He should be waking you mid to late morning with a cup of tea. I remember how appreciative I was when DH did that. Is he normally so selfish?

@internetpersonme

I would be re gifting that watering can on fathers day.

This - stop making an effort for him

Yeah sorry OP that’s shit. He didn’t have to do grand gestures but a cup of tea, a card and taking your toddler so you can lay in should be the bare minimum. I’d be pissed off if I was you. I hope he pulls his weight once your new baby arrives. It sounds to me like you need to have a conversation with him about this and make it clear he needs to step up.

@bravelittlepenguin he did say you can do what you want today though? Wording it differently wouldn’t have made much difference really. Any chance the DC chose the plant and that’s why he got that instead of wine?

There are some people on here that would just love some simple acknowledgment and be happy with that, and others that arnt happy if they don’t have the exact gift delivered in the exact required way. We’d be better off just scrapping Mother’s Day all together if you go by mumsnet sentiment.