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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that friend hasn't even thanked me for buying her dd a Christmas present?

87 replies

crapcook · 06/01/2008 22:46

This friend is the partner of DP's oldest oldest mate. DP and his mate have known each other since they started infant school so they are very fond of each other...almost like brothers.

As a result of this I feel close to him and am fond of him too iykwim. I have also become good mates with his gf who is the one I am moaning about. We had DS in Dec 06 then they had their DD in Aug so we also have that in common.

They live in Manc and we were up there after Christmas for a few days. One night, I was going out with my girl friends for the night and DP was going out with his mates for the night and this friend asked him to pick him up on the way to where they were going out. DP took their dd's present and apparently when they opened it they loved it but were embarrassed that they hadn't bought DS something.

Now I know you shouldn't give someone something and expect something in return but him or his gf (who like I said am quite close to) haven't even called or emailed me to say thank you for it.

I must add, that this wasn't any old tat, it was a really nice present.

OP posts:
imaginewittynamehere · 07/01/2008 12:12

I only send thank-you's to those I haven't thanked in person. To me your friend has thanked in person - she could reasonably expect your DH to pass thanks on. YABU to be at all concerned about this Are you miffed about the lack of a return present?

Why is it the GF you are miffed at surely her DH has equal thanking responsibility???

In summary YAB Very U

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/01/2008 12:15

When I am given presents to give to the kids I thank the person then and the children write thank you notes after the event to say thanks for the .....AFAIAC it is just plain good manners.

ChasingSquirrels · 07/01/2008 12:19

ditto others - you have been thanked.
I agree with NAB re the kids writing afterwards, in my case if they haven't received the present (ie given to me when they weren't there) or didn't open it at the time and so have the opportunity to thank specifically for the item, rather than just thanks for an unknown gift - but in this situation the child in question is only 12m so isn't going to be writing anything.

FlameNFurter · 07/01/2008 12:19

I send cards (normally a month later, but they get there in the end) to people we haven't seen.

I don't see the point in wasting paper needlessly.

Fimbo · 07/01/2008 12:21

You wouldn't like either of my sils. In the 13 years of knowing them, dh or I have yet to receive a thank you either verbally or handwritten or by any other means of communication for gifts given to their children. I used to write thank you notes to them, but have now given up and just write a thank you email instead. They respond to the email btw but still never say thanks for the gifts - perhaps they don't like them

clumsymum · 07/01/2008 12:44

I have to say that if I have received a present in person and said a thank you at the time then it wouldn't occur to me to write thank you as well.

I told ds that he only needed to write thank-yous to people we haven't seen since Christmas.

SayNOtothecookieRookie · 07/01/2008 13:02

A friend phoned me the other night to check that DSs toy works. She knew it works he played with it when we saw them and I said thank you at the time. She was ok about it but I felt a bit put on the spot as I haven't done the thank you cards yet.

last year I was on mat leave so had time to do them, this year I'm back at work ( apart from Mondays off) I do try to write thank you notes, but tbh if people are going to get arsey about them I'd rather they didn't give us a present at all than get all churlish if we don't send a thank you letter within X days of present receipt.

Original poster
crapcook · 09/01/2008 13:05

Erm...I didn't want her to come back and 'gush' about the present at all.

We are supposed to be mates. She is not someone who is just an acquaintance. Like I mentioned, we usually text/email just to see how each other is and I haven't heard from her.

Now if it was me, I would have called her or texted her just to say thanks for the present. No big gushing letter or anything like that. I know she doesn't expect that just like I don't expect it from her.

As for thanking DP, that is fine. But friend knows that DP wouldn't have made the effort to think about and buy the bloody thing in the first place.

OP posts:
MsSparkle · 09/01/2008 13:23

I agree crapcook, when someone has taken the time out to go and buy a present and then take the time to wrap it etc then it's just good manners to phone/txt to say thankyou. If someone has taken time out for you then a five minute phone call or a quick txt is a good thing to do.

On my dd's 1st birthday, everyone who came gave my dd a present and i thanked them. I then phoned everyone that evening too and thanked them again for coming and said how wonderful their gift was and that it was really thoughtful. It's nice to show people you appreciate them and tell them your grateful for them taking the time out for you dc.

chloesmumtoo · 09/01/2008 13:29

I can see both sides in the way you wanted a thank you. But in reality with peoples hectic lives things sometimes go astray. It is odd she never emailed if you usually are in this close relationship but perhaps the reason why she has not emailed is because she has had a busy time of it lately like the most of us. She probably thinks as people have said your dp would have passed on their thanks. I am someone who always thanked people in the past but since my two children, one with food allergies ect. Things unfortunately are not so smooth running anymore and I dont get to send thankyou notes ect. I do worry people may think it rude but I physically find it hard to keep up with everything! I do thank in person as much as I can but can also see your side as it obviously meant alot to you. I expect she will contact you soon

princessosyth · 09/01/2008 13:36

Give them until the end of the month. I only bought my thank you cards yesterday and will be writing them out next week when ds goes back to nursery.

LilRedWG · 09/01/2008 13:38

A reminder to do our thank you letters...

bossykate · 09/01/2008 13:41

imho, thank yous in writing only necessary where not given in person.

EHM · 09/01/2008 13:47

I only just posted my thank you cards from dd today, written on Monday night as away from home until 5th Jan. Give them a bit longer, maybe as they thanked your dp in person they don't feel it necessary to send out a thank you.

MaryAnnSingleton · 09/01/2008 13:50

I think you should always write a thank you even if you have said thanks at the time - it's good manners and children should learn this by example

MsSparkle · 09/01/2008 13:52

I think just because they thanked her dp for the gift, that doesn't mean they shouldn't send a txt or give her a call to thank her.

bossykate · 09/01/2008 13:53

i disagree. thanking people is good manners - the format depends on the context.

MsSparkle · 09/01/2008 13:56

I heard someone say the other day that the world is divided by people who send thank you notes and people who don't. You either do or you don't.

Using the "i didn't have the time" excuse is nonsense. I can't use that excuse because i watch 2.5 hours of HollyOaks every week so if i have time to watch that then i can't really say i didn't have the time can i.

MaryAnnSingleton · 09/01/2008 13:58

it's just the way I was brought up and it's the way I bring up ds..I'm quite shocked by how few people bother to write, it takes a minute to write a little postcard and makes the recipient feel god - what's wrong with that ? Somehow texts and emails don't match up.

MaryAnnSingleton · 09/01/2008 13:59

good

MsSparkle · 09/01/2008 14:00

I have never recieved a thank you note! It's a shame really, i would love one.

MaryAnnSingleton · 09/01/2008 14:00

never ? aaww

bossykate · 09/01/2008 14:01

i write plenty of thank you notes and the dc will be brought up to do the same.

MsSparkle · 09/01/2008 14:13

I know, i have sent many gifts to people but never had a thank you card.

This year i did my dd's card on the computer before Christmas. Then after Christmas all i had to do was print them off, write the name and write "thank you for my..." and i drove round and delivered the local ones and posted the rest.

I think it's not about having the time with people it's more to do with whether you want to do thank you cards and whether you can be bothered because if i really want to do something i will find the time.

Like i said, if you have the time to watch tv then you have the time to do thank you cards.

Twinkie1 · 09/01/2008 14:15

I make sure the kids say thank you when they open things - I have expalined to everyone that I really don't have the time to sit and write letters for them or text everyone they got a present from and I do think a thank you to your DH is good enough to be honest.

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