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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men do not like talking to fat woman

249 replies

Happymiraclemorning · 25/03/2022 20:12

Ok not all men- but here me out

I’m a receptionist. I work with 3 other woman all slim I am fat - size 20

I have noticed over the years of my job men very often will go to the other girl to be served. I often will make conversation but can see their face go blank and show zero interest in having a chat. I can’t help but feel this is due to me being fat. Almost terrified someone will see them chatting to someone fat.

I’m very happily married- I don’t mean chatting men up - I’m working and to make the day go faster it’s nice chatting to people.

I lost a lot of weight once and got down to a size 12. I noticed a massive difference, men would at least look me in the eye and would happily chat.

AIBU or do you think there is some truth in this?

OP posts:
Nowomenaroundeh · 26/03/2022 08:38

I've been thin, obese and everything in between. You are not wrong OP. It's astonishing.

Men want to talk me to me when I'm thin, even when there is zero chance of there being any sexual vibe between us. And there is utter respect. Women speak to me with respect too but are less likely to be warm.
When I was obese I was invisible to everyone.
Strangest of all is when I'm fat but not very fat. The world and it's mother want to reassure me, completely uninvited of how I'm in fact the sexiest being who has walked the earth. The want to reassure me in a "I know you probably don't believe this but..." I'll be minding my own business and some bloody randomer is telling me how I allegedly feel about badly myself but I'm wrong.

BillyAndTheSillies · 26/03/2022 08:39

When I was a size 22 I didn't notice, now I'm a size 8 I realise how different I was treated. How much kinder and smilier people are now.
It's an unconscious bias a lot of the time, and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way at work.

SwanBuster · 26/03/2022 08:39

[quote Ponoka7]@SwanBuster
"I don’t think I like men very much"
"Unfortunately, then that is what you will project to them, creating a vicious spiral. We are all subconsciously picking up on signals constantly. No one wants to talk to someone who doesn’t like them."

If that was the case no woman would ever suffer from harassment. Yet most women (who the men deem fuckable) do. Women (and girls) still get street harassment and harassment on nights out etc. It doesn't matter how many leave-us -alone vibes we send out.
"But of course, in your world view it’s probably down to the men to change their nature. Good luck with that."
A lot is socialisation, not nature. There seems to be an issue with a lot of men and being a decent person. Men have changed in the workplace, it might be superficial, but there's a massive change and now with the whole taking-the-knee, there's change when there's a mind to. Sexism is still rife because it's allowed to be. The thing from your posts is that women can't just expect to be treated well unless they portray themselves as sexual. That's an issue in itself.[/quote]
I get where you’re coming from. But this is a case of do you wan the truth, or not.

I and many other men are hardwired to want to talk to the more subjectively attractive woman if there is a choice - for instance at a reception like in the OPs post. It’s not right. It’s not fair. And personally, I would feel consciously guilty about it.

If the other person said ‘hello!’ and I would go to them. To do otherwise would be shameful. And I would chat to them the same way I would to the other person.

But some men are not subtle, or socially adept. They’ll react terribly. And that, yes, is a problem.

But I honestly don’t think men and women are that different in this regard. My girlfriend says she would do exactly the same thing - want to talk to the more attractive man. It’s just how life is.

Comedycook · 26/03/2022 09:01

Vast majority of men would prefer a thin, plain looking woman than an overweight but beautiful one.

Herecomesthesun2022 · 26/03/2022 09:36

@ClaymationHeartsStillBeat

I have no idea but if you have experienced both sides of the equation you are probably onto something.

Interestingly my (male) DP is very overweight indeed and never suffers this, so I would say that if you are male you get the opposite - as he gets a lot of respect and 'chatting', which implies to me that it isn't just a body problem it's sexism, which makes it even worse.

Or that women are less likely to see overweight men as a threat
cushioncovers · 26/03/2022 09:43

You're not wrong op. I've been slimmer and I've been fatter the difference in how I'm treated is noticeable. Im now classed as obese.

A lot of men dislike fat women. They learn to love and accept the women they are with who get fatter over the years but when meeting a fatter women for the first time are generally very judgemental in my experience.

It's soul destroying really to know that for the most part my worth is in society is based on my weight.

AngelinaFibres · 26/03/2022 09:55

The attitudes are unlikely to change . They should, but it's not going to happen. So what do you want to do about it Op. Do you want to remain the size you are and continue to feel invisible. Or remain the size you are and work on your self esteem. Or do you want to become a slim person that people want to talk to. No one can tell you which one to choose and they all need work from you, that you are perfectly free to reject. The people who are ignoring you won't care about changing their actions. They come to reception, they choose someone else and when they leave they will forget about all of you ,fat or thin.

CallMeDaddy58 · 26/03/2022 09:55

No one wins here. You feel rightfully hurt but slimmer women also know they are only engaged with because of how they look. Equally depressing.

WouldBeGood · 26/03/2022 10:04

This genuinely hasn’t been my experience of the world. And I’m quite old and quite fat, though up and down.

MrsBerthaRochester · 26/03/2022 10:19

Yanbu. I lost weight a couple of years ago. Nothing dramatic went from a 16/18 to 12. Got far more attention from men.
Now Im peri back up to a 16 and totally ignored by opposite sex. Im very confident and chatty and think Im quite attractive but doesnt seem to matter. It does annoy me.

TeddyGirl1982 · 26/03/2022 10:41

It's buried deep in the human instinct to avoid anything that looks deformed, unhealthy or unwell in a person hence this happens. We are all drawn to attractive, balanced, healthy looking people.

SallyWD · 26/03/2022 10:48

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP. I think this partly depends on perceived attractiveness, not only weight - so even if you're slim but not typically good looking, there'll be some men who just can't be bothered with you. I'm not fat but have the kind of looks that SOME men like and others don't. I can remember times when I've been talking to men who clearly just don't find me attractive. I can see the boredom and distraction in their faces - and how differently they react to women they find attractive. I've also spoken to men who obviously were attracted to me and again - it's completely different. A man said this to me once: "You know men are pathetic. I was talking to 2 women at work the other day and one was really interesting, clever and kind. The other one had big tits. I only paid attention to the one with big tits. I knew how shallow it was but I couldn't help myself." I always notice how my husband talks to all people the same - whether they're a hot 20 year old or an overweight 60 year old. I love that about him.

Onlyforcake · 26/03/2022 10:52

I love being invisible to the puddle hoppers. I tend to then get to talk to people with more going on upstairs. Useful filter really.

CounsellorTroi · 26/03/2022 11:02

I was very slim in my 20s, got loads of compliments from women but not much attention from men. I wasn’t unattractive facially but I was shy and lacking confidence.

I’m now 60 and overweight, 5 ft 2 and 11st (thyroid condition) but a lot more confident and happier in my skin. I’m certainly invisible to younger men but not to those my own age or older!

milkyaqua · 26/03/2022 11:23

@TeddyGirl1982

It's buried deep in the human instinct to avoid anything that looks deformed, unhealthy or unwell in a person hence this happens. We are all drawn to attractive, balanced, healthy looking people.
Jesus.
Comedycook · 26/03/2022 11:27

It's buried deep in the human instinct to avoid anything that looks deformed, unhealthy or unwell in a person hence this happens. We are all drawn to attractive, balanced, healthy looking people

It's not a pleasant thing to say but it's probably true

milkyaqua · 26/03/2022 12:01

So, you're saying that in previous centuries, in the times of Renoir and of Rubens, for starters, 'human instinct' found a woman with more flesh than is currently fashionable so repulsive they felt the need to celebrate the pearlescent beauty of her bare flesh countless times?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 12:04

It’s nit just in the times bygone too.

I had a good friend who told me I was beautiful because I have such wide hips!
Then she backtracked, apologising etc… but went in explaining that in her country, it is o nose red beautiful to have very wide hips. So me and my size 20 is the sort if shape men would be very attracted to…..

The standards of beauty we have in the West are not shared all over the world!

Comedycook · 26/03/2022 12:07

@milkyaqua

So, you're saying that in previous centuries, in the times of Renoir and of Rubens, for starters, 'human instinct' found a woman with more flesh than is currently fashionable so repulsive they felt the need to celebrate the pearlescent beauty of her bare flesh countless times?
In some poorer countries, being overweight is seen as desirable because it's a sign of wealth. Nowadays in western countries, being slim is a sign of wealth...an indication that you can afford quality, healthy food and have time to exercise
milkyaqua · 26/03/2022 12:08

Didn't you just agree with that repulsive comment about some universal "human instinct" and say it was probably true?

Comedycook · 26/03/2022 12:14

Didn't you just agree with that repulsive comment about some universal "human instinct" and say it was probably true?

Yeah ..and? Why does physical attraction even exist at all? It's unpalatable but yes, people are generally attracted to those who look healthy and well and like they will produce healthy, robust offspring. We're literally just animals.

NellesVilla · 26/03/2022 12:16

The more time I spend on Mumsnet, the more I hate men.

So happy to be single; the only thing I’d ever need from a mad would be another income to get on the property ladder or to protect me from other men on my travels, which is very sad.

NellesVilla · 26/03/2022 12:17
  • man, not mad!
Thoosa · 26/03/2022 12:18

As if it’s acceptable to operate according to our basest “human instincts” in modern society, anyway.

I would hate to hear @TeddyGirl1982 ‘s delightful views on how “natural” it is to shun facial difference or disability.

Cheesechips · 26/03/2022 12:18

This thread makes me feel so sad

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