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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men do not like talking to fat woman

249 replies

Happymiraclemorning · 25/03/2022 20:12

Ok not all men- but here me out

I’m a receptionist. I work with 3 other woman all slim I am fat - size 20

I have noticed over the years of my job men very often will go to the other girl to be served. I often will make conversation but can see their face go blank and show zero interest in having a chat. I can’t help but feel this is due to me being fat. Almost terrified someone will see them chatting to someone fat.

I’m very happily married- I don’t mean chatting men up - I’m working and to make the day go faster it’s nice chatting to people.

I lost a lot of weight once and got down to a size 12. I noticed a massive difference, men would at least look me in the eye and would happily chat.

AIBU or do you think there is some truth in this?

OP posts:
Gotajobthrunepotism · 25/03/2022 20:46

I’m fat, 40 and not particularly attractive. I work in IT and find all the men chat away to me with no issues. The younger guys (early 20s) chat away to me and always seem respectful (even if i sometimes have to ask them to explain the techie stuff to me). My closest work friends are male. And they happily chat away to me (even one of the younger guys who left a while ago messages me: definately no chatting up involved: he’s got a beautiful new wife.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 25/03/2022 20:46

Possibly the only good reason not to lose weight, those same men that ignore larger women probably objectify younger or slimmer ones, I'd rather be ignored than eyed up as I was in my slimmer, younger years.

Those men who don't ignore women are normally the nice ones you'd want to talk to anyway.

HelpINeeedSomebody · 25/03/2022 20:47

Yep definitely. I'd also go so far as to say that it's between a certain age range that they seem to be uncomfortable with as in up to possibly 50ish. After that I think it's that they feel 'safe' talking to a bigger woman, sceptically because of course no one could possibly think they'd be attracted to someone of that age and size Hmm

Sisteragatha · 25/03/2022 20:48

I lost 5 stone and feel this everyday.

WindyKnickers · 25/03/2022 20:49

I agree and it's one of the things I like about being fat; especially now I'm in my 40s. I am largely invisible to strangers in the street, in pubs, shops and on holiday and I love it. I like being left alone.

Don't get me wrong I'd love to be a healthier body size and be able to buy clothes easier and exercise without getting out of breath and I intend to do something about it for health reasons and convenience but I love being overlooked in general and left to my own devices.

There were times when I was slimmer and younger and when out with a group of friends when we couldn't have a night out with out being pestered and bothered by idiotic men constantly. I don't miss it.

SwanBuster · 25/03/2022 20:50

Man here - signed up because I read this thread and found it sad.

OP - the three sexiest women I ever met are all overweight. The one factor all three had in common was they did not give a fuck - about their size in terms of how they acted. They dressed brilliantly, they flirted better and they laughed at themselves - but not too much.

I didn’t avoid them and neither did anyone else - in fact people would gravitate towards them because they weee fun to be around.

If there was a lesson I took from them, as a not very attractive man - it was to make the absolute best of what you have got. Be the person people want o be around by not giving a toss.

PferdeMerde · 25/03/2022 20:50

It's probably your body language and demeanor. If you're paranoid and feeling low about yourself, people pick up on that.

WildCoasts · 25/03/2022 20:51

For another idea, are you self-conscious about your weight? Are you sure people aren't responding to your body language? If the other women come across as more open and confident, that could be why the people are gravitating to them.

I often go out with a female friend who is very slim. I'm not. Everyone talks to me because my friend isn't very open or good with eye contact.

Notwithittoday · 25/03/2022 20:52

Frankly this can only be described as a win.

Original poster
Happymiraclemorning · 25/03/2022 20:52

@SwanBuster

Man here - signed up because I read this thread and found it sad.

OP - the three sexiest women I ever met are all overweight. The one factor all three had in common was they did not give a fuck - about their size in terms of how they acted. They dressed brilliantly, they flirted better and they laughed at themselves - but not too much.

I didn’t avoid them and neither did anyone else - in fact people would gravitate towards them because they weee fun to be around.

If there was a lesson I took from them, as a not very attractive man - it was to make the absolute best of what you have got. Be the person people want o be around by not giving a toss.

Thanks for this comment- that’s really nice to hear coming from a bloke
OP posts:
concernedalot · 25/03/2022 20:53

I agree. I'm mid forties and have gained weight due to lockdown and peri. I'm relieved to not get attention from men after traumatic experiences with most of them. I'd rather be happy and podgy

NellesVilla · 25/03/2022 20:55

@SwanBuster, you sound lovely. A sensible, decent man. We need more like you!

SwanBuster · 25/03/2022 20:55

I will add, that typically I am not attracted to overweight women. I know that’s a horrible admission and not with the times. But confidence in that you are ‘worthy’ regardless can utterly transform any person.

Do not give a shit about those people ignoring you. Work on believing in yourself and then they will want to be around you, and you can remember their faces and tell them to fuck off 👍

Wavypurple · 25/03/2022 20:55

What @Thoosa said

Original poster
Happymiraclemorning · 25/03/2022 20:56

@WildCoasts

For another idea, are you self-conscious about your weight? Are you sure people aren't responding to your body language? If the other women come across as more open and confident, that could be why the people are gravitating to them.

I often go out with a female friend who is very slim. I'm not. Everyone talks to me because my friend isn't very open or good with eye contact.

I try to happy and friendly and I get on very well with woman. So I’d think if I was stand off ish woman would avoid me as well maybe?

I think over the years the more and more I get get ignored the more my confidence gets knocked

I always have been told ‘I’ve got a pretty face’ or ‘if I lost weight I’d be really attractive’
So hopefully there’s nothing hideous about my face haha!

OP posts:
hugr · 25/03/2022 20:58

@DeadButDelicious

I'm a size 26/28 and I have never had this experience. Most if not all of the men I speak to are polite and make nice small talk just like the would with anyone else. And if anyone does avoid me because of my size then I don't consider that to be a great loss to be honest.
As a size 24/26 I agree. People are more likely to approach me as I'm hard to miss lol
Papayamya · 25/03/2022 20:59

Oh absolutely (sadly). I was a size 20 after having DS and it took a while to get back to a 12- the difference in how people treated me was astounding. I did wonder if it was to do with my confidence levels when I was larger, but actually I have never felt overly confident and didn't feel much difference.

SwanBuster · 25/03/2022 21:00

@NellesVilla - thanks but as you can see - I shamefully admit that i alongside many other men - and women - can initially be deeply superficial. It’s horrible and something that is very difficult to change in our nature.

Unfortunately I believe in the end it’s down to each of us to stop caring about how we think others perceive us, and just try step by step to build up our own selves. That may or may not involve losing weight, becoming assertive (my big failure) or just learning to laugh at ourselves.

We simply can’t rely on others to somehow change their ways 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sad I know, but I spent 30 years believing myself to be unworthy of love.

orangepapier · 25/03/2022 21:01

You're definitely right. I used to be slim and now am fat. It's like I've turned invisible since getting bigger.

Thoosa · 25/03/2022 21:01

@concernedalot

I agree. I'm mid forties and have gained weight due to lockdown and peri. I'm relieved to not get attention from men after traumatic experiences with most of them. I'd rather be happy and podgy
Yes, I must say middle age is like a warm bath of creeping invisibility. I really am glad of it.
Coffeeonmytoffee · 25/03/2022 21:02

Yes.
Absolutely.

ButtockUp · 25/03/2022 21:07

I'm sorry that this is upsetting you but, to be honest, there's nothing that you can do about this.
You cannot force someone to deal with you instead of someone else.

It's horrible.

mellicauli · 25/03/2022 21:07

The one big advantage of being fat ..all the dicks (male & female) self-edit themselves out of your life.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 25/03/2022 21:08

I agree and tbh I’m glad.
I’d rather be invisible than having to deal with those often very unwanted attentions.

CotswoldWoolly · 25/03/2022 21:08

I agree. But I have become big almost precisely in order to become invisible.