Men do not like talking to fat woman

[Happymiraclemorning]

Ok not all men- but here me out

I’m a receptionist. I work with 3 other woman all slim I am fat - size 20

I have noticed over the years of my job men very often will go to the other girl to be served. I often will make conversation but can see their face go blank and show zero interest in having a chat. I can’t help but feel this is due to me being fat. Almost terrified someone will see them chatting to someone fat.

I’m very happily married- I don’t mean chatting men up - I’m working and to make the day go faster it’s nice chatting to people.

I lost a lot of weight once and got down to a size 12. I noticed a massive difference, men would at least look me in the eye and would happily chat.

AIBU or do you think there is some truth in this?

Even my own father didn't value me because of my weight (size 16). I was seen as the stupidest and ugliest of my siblings, even though objectively we are the same intelligence and very similar in appearance, weight aside. Me wearing make up was a waste, he would always say, "what's the point when you are still fat".

Now obviously he a person with whom there is no sexual component to the relationship, absolutely none at all, no matter last people on earth, desert Island, etc. And still to him, my value is my weight.

And God forbid you make small talk with a bloke at the bar when you are fat

Of course it is and also most women prefer slimmer men. Ask anyone to dream up their fantasy man or woman and you can guarantee they're never going to say 'Blonde hair, blue eyes, quite tall and obese'. It goes without saying, no matter how a tiny handful of people will try to deny it.

But this is not a thread about dating. It is about being dehumanised for being overweight.

I agree with all of you who enjoy getting older, less attractive to men and more invisible. I could stand to lose a little weight but have absolutely no motivation to do so because of the freedom from unwanted attention. That and the aging process have left me delightfully invisible!

I've piled on weight after having a baby. Compared to my younger years, I'm finding it liberating I leave the house with zero **s. I like not been given as much attention.

I know a few large ladies who are well presented, and in public facing jobs, who are very chatty, bubbly and attractive,and seem to have no problems with men talking to them. It depends on the type of men you have to engage with.

@SwanBuster

I will add, that typically I am not attracted to overweight women. I know that’s a horrible admission and not with the times. But confidence in that you are ‘worthy’ regardless can utterly transform any person.

Do not give a shit about those people ignoring you. Work on believing in yourself and then they will want to be around you, and you can remember their faces and tell them to fuck off 👍

If women only talked to men they were attracted to that would be 99.9% of men being completely ignored. Christ, there are a load of fugly men who think they are God's gift to the world.

@BDHS1

Most men prefer slimmer women shocker. I don’t remember a time when this hasn’t been the case.

But I’m not talking about if men are more sexually attractive to skinny woman. That’s an obvious fact!

I’m talking about just day to day chit chat.

If I say good morning to a client in work they look panic stricken! Im very very happily married.

It’s like they shit there selves incase a fat girl fancies them - it’s rude and pathetic

@SwanBuster
"I don’t think I like men very much"
"Unfortunately, then that is what you will project to them, creating a vicious spiral. We are all subconsciously picking up on signals constantly. No one wants to talk to someone who doesn’t like them."

If that was the case no woman would ever suffer from harassment. Yet most women (who the men deem fuckable) do. Women (and girls) still get street harassment and harassment on nights out etc. It doesn't matter how many leave-us -alone vibes we send out.
"But of course, in your world view it’s probably down to the men to change their nature. Good luck with that."
A lot is socialisation, not nature. There seems to be an issue with a lot of men and being a decent person. Men have changed in the workplace, it might be superficial, but there's a massive change and now with the whole taking-the-knee, there's change when there's a mind to. Sexism is still rife because it's allowed to be. The thing from your posts is that women can't just expect to be treated well unless they portray themselves as sexual. That's an issue in itself.

A number of posters have said they like being fat as it makes them invisible/anonymous and they can go about their daily life without hassle.

Believe me you'll achieve that any way by getting older - don't add to the age-related illnesses that are awaiting you by being overweight into the bargain.

@LimeSegment

Even my own father didn't value me because of my weight (size 16). I was seen as the stupidest and ugliest of my siblings, even though objectively we are the same intelligence and very similar in appearance, weight aside. Me wearing make up was a waste, he would always say, "what's the point when you are still fat".

Now obviously he a person with whom there is no sexual component to the relationship, absolutely none at all, no matter last people on earth, desert Island, etc. And still to him, my value is my weight.

I mean this doesn’t sound like an issue about weight. It sounds like your father is quite abusive and is scapegoating you. It’s not usual/acceptable for a father to pass nasty comments on his children’s appearance, or to call them stupid. So I don’t think it’s really reflective of normal people’s attitude towards those who are overweight.

Although personally I’ve not noticed it. I’m definitely happier and feel more energetic now I’ve lost a bit of weight but it could be field dependent. In my jobs there have usually been many people who are overweight so maybe it doesn’t have as much of an effect because you’re not the odd one out.

@LimeSegment

Even my own father didn't value me because of my weight (size 16). I was seen as the stupidest and ugliest of my siblings, even though objectively we are the same intelligence and very similar in appearance, weight aside. Me wearing make up was a waste, he would always say, "what's the point when you are still fat".

Now obviously he a person with whom there is no sexual component to the relationship, absolutely none at all, no matter last people on earth, desert Island, etc. And still to him, my value is my weight.

That's awful behaviour! From your own dad?! I'm so sorry. It's no wonder women have huge complex about weight and image when their own loved ones say things like that

@Flossie87

I completely relate to a lot of the posts in this thread! Currently a size 22 but trying to get myself down to a 16

I'm late 20s now but when I was 17 I was only a size 10 though I've had chunky calves all my life, it's like the top and bottom of my body don't match! Anyway when I was 17 I was on a works christmas night out and my mum convinced me to wear a dress (I always hated wearing dresses because I was self-conscious about my legs) but I thought why not, it was a really lovely dress (a river island bestseller that year). I had a good night and at the end of the night I was standing outside the pub waiting for my mum to pick me up and some guy either 30s/40s nudged his mate then pointed at me and shouted "look her fat legs" then started howling histerically! An awful experience, and when I look back it always seems worse that a grown man would say that to a young girl!

Sadly I think this is one of the reasons I've let myself go over the years and allowed myself to get fat, it's almost like well my legs are fat anyway so the rest of me may as well be!

Weight should be a protected characteristic

@Flossie87 Randomly does your mother or grandmother have the same build and did your legs get worse after puberty?

I think this is true sadly.
When I lost a lot of weight, through illness, I was pestered all the time by men. I did not look smiley or indeed happy, I was on anti depressants ffs! But men of all ages took too much of an interest in me.

I'm a woman who has been both obese and thin. Currently thin. Both sexes talk to me much more when I'm thin.

@BoredZelda

YABU for referring to grown women as “girls”

Agree with this. We have to be young, woman is almost a dirty word. Becoming older is an awful sin. Girls is better to make women sound young, because men like young, perhaps too young....

We need to stop calling women Girls. They're not children. They're capable women.

And yes OP, a woman's appearance absolutely defines her worth and value in society

Definitely. A few years ago I lost about three stone and it was astonishing how much nicer and more respectful men were when I was slimmer.

Some people on this thread are confusing sexual attraction and basic respect/politeness - which isn’t surprising, given lots of men believe that women are only worthy of the latter if they’re sufficiently sexually attractive.

Absolutely. Thankfully I don’t work with many men now or interact with many in life so I don’t see it as much now but when I used to get this all the time. The handful of men I work with now are not like this and they’re lovely and I’m fatter than I’ve ever been! I always found it weird that the men at work would flirt with all the other women and have a laugh but would be cold towards me and make a point of telling me they had a girlfriend. Even though most of them would happily cheat on said girlfriend with the other women at work. Because of course us fatties are just desperate for male attention and would jump on them at any given chance! For what it’s worth I’m a lesbian so I wouldn’t have been remotely interested in them and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted them flirting with me, but it would have been nicer not to have my worth based on my appearance. I avoid men as much as possible now.

Unfortunately I think it's true. I noticed my ex would avoid asking fat women if there was a choice and also didn't generally employ them. When I asked why, he said if they can't look after themselves, how can I trust them to look after my business? He was talking about the very overweight, not the slightly chubby.

I absolutely do think you are correct! Sadly

@PferdeMerde

It's probably your body language and demeanor. If you're paranoid and feeling low about yourself, people pick up on that.

What the heck - you're assuming because she's a size 20 she's feeling low about herself? Like larger people can't or shouldn't feel good about themselves. Alot of men, and women disregard people due to theor appearance, its a sad FACT

I would amend this to say they don't like talking to any women they perceive as unattractive. This is usually aligned to conventional standards, so 'unattractive' can mean fat, older or having unattractive facial features.

I've been thin and fat but my ugly face means that my weight makes little difference to how I am perceived.

I am, however, grateful for the cloak of middle-aged invisibility. I'm a healthy weight now - my face is as ugly as ever - but thankfully men just see 'middle-aged' and ignore me, rather than calling out that I am 'ugly' as used to happen in my younger days, whether I was thin or fat at the time.

The bigger you get the worst it gets sadly. Even as a size 10 I was curvy (I'm only 5,3) and now I'm an 18/20 it's like I'm invisible. I used to think it was because I wear glasses, or that I don't wear makeup etc but it's clearly obvious it's my weight as it's got worse as my weight has increased.