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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

287 replies

Fiehc · 25/03/2022 12:40

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

OP posts:
implantreplace · 26/03/2022 09:03

* I've never met Jo's dad. *

Op

You have never met this person

Why on earth would you “expect” that he “would and should help”?

implantreplace · 26/03/2022 09:06

An sorry you don’t expect help from him

But pissed off at lack of response

Given you have never met him and don’t even have his number so presumably never had any communication with him whatsoever

You don’t know what on earth is going on in his life. For example, waiting for the outcome of a CAT scan for suspected cancer diagnosis; just made redundant; waiting to receive a Ukrainian refugee and preparing for it

A message from his son’s friend about helping his mother who he’s never engaged with - might well slip through the net

Cocomarine · 26/03/2022 09:07

9 pages and haven’t just asked your adult son to call his adult friend and say, “hey, if your dad is able to help out, we’d need to know to book the tradesman - no problem if he can’t help, but can we sort it either way today please?”

It’s quite possible your son would then hear his mate should, “dad - that fence panel I mentioned - can we pick it up today? Yeah? Great, I’ll tell him 15:00 - thanks!”

ReadyToMoveIt · 26/03/2022 09:08

Maybe he has told Jo he can’t do it and Jo hasn’t passed the message on?

implantreplace · 26/03/2022 09:08

Ah you actually sure your son messaged

Quite honestly - if I was him, I’d feel a tad embarrassed to.

HELLITHURT · 26/03/2022 09:08

Again he's entitled to say no. I haven't at any point said he should help, or he owes me. I'd just have liked a reply.

But you haven't contacted him! He may well have told his son no, but the son is embarrassed to tell you. You can assume it's a no and use one of your other options now.

NoSquirrels · 26/03/2022 09:17

I'd just have liked a reply.

And if you’d been in touch with the guy direct, and he’d ignored you, that would be a reasonable gripe. But you have 2+ layers of communication to go through (your DS, DS’s best friend Jo, Jo’s dad) so it’s not really fair to say “this is why I don’t ask for favours” because it’s actually Jo asking for a favour on behalf of his best friend who needs a favour for his mum…

Original poster
Fiehc · 26/03/2022 09:24

@implantreplace

* I've never met Jo's dad. *

Op

You have never met this person

Why on earth would you “expect” that he “would and should help”?

I don't 'expect' him to help. It would be nice if he did but there's no expectation. However I would have appreciated a reply.

My DC definitely messaged and Jo has asked. I have asked DC to follow this up, and the response was that Jo's dad hasn't yet replied. This was yesterday.

I have therefore assumed it's a no and will collect it myself.

I have helped people I've never met. A few weeks ago I was called by a friend if I could give some careers advice to her friends DC who was there with her. I've never met friend's friend or her DC. Phone was passed over and I spent a good 45 mins with this girl answering her questions, talking to her about her options etc. I appreciate that was from the comfort of my home so not a direct comparison but still assisting someone you don't know or haven't met often happens.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 26/03/2022 09:28

Out of interest

How do you “know” jo has asked?

Nickwinkle · 26/03/2022 09:50

Can the worker not pick it up? Assuming they're trade would they not have a van?

Wouldn't have ordered something without a plan of how I'm actually going to get it... It sounds like you're blaming everyone else for your mistake.

Just pay the delivery fee/man with van and consider it a lesson learned.

Original poster
Fiehc · 26/03/2022 10:06

@Nickwinkle

Can the worker not pick it up? Assuming they're trade would they not have a van?

Wouldn't have ordered something without a plan of how I'm actually going to get it... It sounds like you're blaming everyone else for your mistake.

Just pay the delivery fee/man with van and consider it a lesson learned.

No because as I said in my OP, he doesn't drive. He thought the particular store or another one locally would deliver either for free or a token charge. They do deliver, but this isn't one for which delivery is on offer.

And again as I've said the item hasn't been ordered, but it is essential to this particular (and urgent) job.

I do have a back up plan, the plan is to carry it home.

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 26/03/2022 10:21

@Fiehc why are you keeping banging on about what can't happen and ignoring the fact you can pay the £40'and get it sorted? Why are you ignoring everyone saying Jos dad is not ignoring you, he is not in communication with you!

It's

You

Your DS

Jo

Jos dad

The line of communication is long.

If you're so bloody self sufficient, get it sorted !

bellac11 · 26/03/2022 10:43

@DownWhichOfLate

2 miles isn’t that far to walk with a fence panel (if that’s what it is). But, yes, asking for help etc is horrible.
This is a joke obviously?

Try walking a few yards with one on a windy day and see how you get on

Original poster
Fiehc · 26/03/2022 10:47

@HELLITHURT I've said why I'm not able to pay the £40, and I have an alternative solution. Jo's dad is either unable or unwilling to help so I'll collect it myself.

Why do you keep 'banging on' with your comments?!

OP posts:
bellac11 · 26/03/2022 10:50

Poor Jo's dad, he is much maligned in the OPs head, he is either 'unwilling' or 'unable' to help.

ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM

You seem to have put so much store in a pair of teenage boys. Its the sort of thing some well meaning polite kid would say 'oh my dad can probably help you out Mrs Patterson, I'll ask him' and either thought better of it after and didnt ask him or did ask him and got short shrift from his dad for volunteering his services for some stranger.

Either way its bizarre that you seem to have set it up in your head that this bloke owes you a reply.

Timeface · 26/03/2022 10:54

Most likely
Doesn’t even know about it

ReadyToMoveIt · 26/03/2022 10:54

@bellac11

Poor Jo's dad, he is much maligned in the OPs head, he is either 'unwilling' or 'unable' to help.

ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM

You seem to have put so much store in a pair of teenage boys. Its the sort of thing some well meaning polite kid would say 'oh my dad can probably help you out Mrs Patterson, I'll ask him' and either thought better of it after and didnt ask him or did ask him and got short shrift from his dad for volunteering his services for some stranger.

Either way its bizarre that you seem to have set it up in your head that this bloke owes you a reply.

I know, the poor bloke is happily going about his business when his teenager volunteers him for a job, and somehow he’s then duty bound to reply!
Timeface · 26/03/2022 10:55

I very much doubt the message even reached him!

Viviennemary · 26/03/2022 11:07

You can't afford the delivery fee. The person doing the job who probably should collect it and deliver it it can't drive. Your car is too small. And suddenly this becomes the problem of Joe's dad a person you've never even met. Who is now obliged to ring you up and explain why he doesn't seem to want to get involved. Suppose the said item breaks or gets damaged. Is that Joe's dads fault too.

KrisAkabusi · 26/03/2022 11:12

[quote Fiehc]@HELLITHURT I've said why I'm not able to pay the £40, and I have an alternative solution. Jo's dad is either unable or unwilling to help so I'll collect it myself.

Why do you keep 'banging on' with your comments?![/quote]
Or option 3, he is unaware of your need for help. If you're relying on teenagers to pass on messages, there's a very high chance he's never even been asked. But you've been ignoring this possibility. Ask your son if the message was passed on. If he doesn't know, ask for his mobile number so you can at least text him to find out. At least then you'll know whether he's available to help or not.

Hoowhoowho · 26/03/2022 11:22

They’ll be a local man with a van service if you Google who can pick it up for you, saves the hassle of relying on other people

AngelinaFibres · 26/03/2022 11:27

I had a van for several years. It's the slightly less glamorous equivalent of a gite in France or cottage in Cornwall . All of a sudden you are ever so popular. Particularly with people who don't know you ,but know someone who knows you. I had people ask if they could take my van for the day and give me their knackered old car in exchange, so I wouldn't be stuck at home. Eeerrrr no. Could I just take this or that somewhere that was always 'only up the road ? The person couldn't help load or unload and seemed to think it was perfectly reasonable that a size 10 woman of 5'4" could do it on her own....because its her van. Eeerr no. I was given a botte of cheap wine ,and a whole load of schmooze, before being asked to drive 50 miles to collect a table. Nope. My sons school would ask for favours all the time. 'It's for the children'. I said no ,each and every time. It was an absolute PITA. I drummed it into my children to never,ever offer . If the dad got the message at all he probably just rolled his eyes.

bellac11 · 26/03/2022 11:29

@AngelinaFibres

I had a van for several years. It's the slightly less glamorous equivalent of a gite in France or cottage in Cornwall . All of a sudden you are ever so popular. Particularly with people who don't know you ,but know someone who knows you. I had people ask if they could take my van for the day and give me their knackered old car in exchange, so I wouldn't be stuck at home. Eeerrrr no. Could I just take this or that somewhere that was always 'only up the road ? The person couldn't help load or unload and seemed to think it was perfectly reasonable that a size 10 woman of 5'4" could do it on her own....because its her van. Eeerr no. I was given a botte of cheap wine ,and a whole load of schmooze, before being asked to drive 50 miles to collect a table. Nope. My sons school would ask for favours all the time. 'It's for the children'. I said no ,each and every time. It was an absolute PITA. I drummed it into my children to never,ever offer . If the dad got the message at all he probably just rolled his eyes.
This is so true!!!
Calandor · 26/03/2022 11:56

You need to get a taxi with it then. Clearly.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 26/03/2022 12:00

Do you have Uber in your area? For 2 miles here it would be around £11 for a seven seater or something like a Mercedes Vito or Ford Connect (The tailgate size and flattened seats should be fine to get said item in, from the sound of it. When you book the job you get contact details for the driver, contact them straight away and ask if the job is OK for them?

Unfortunately you have a problem you currently have to solve, the problem is not related in any way to your past behaviour so you need to think future not past!