That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit

Aren't you so special and clever for never having to ask for help, in a world set up to make life an obstacle course for folks who disadvantaged economically or in terms of disability or whatever

Would it be possible to tie it securely to the car roof?

@Ddot

Get the bus with the kids and carry it home. Make it fun, sing all the way. Take some snacks

Wasn’t the kid 21..?

@Fiehc join the Nextdoor app and ask if anyone is able to collect.

Our local board is usually full of ads asking if anyone has seen their cat or knows what day the mobile post van comes but, DH has responded to posts asking if anyone can help do stuff on a couple of occasions, & I’ve seen people asking ‘does anyone have a van and could collect…’ and some Good Samaritan often responds with help.
nextdoor.co.uk/
Good luck! 🤞

Wasn’t the kid 21..?

Just imagining the OP and her adult kids singing on the bus while carrying a fence panel

Yabu

I would have a similar problem of needing help but I see it as a problem not a badge of honour to never ask for help.

You had the opportunity to ask for favours and exchange this through your contact with other school parents and probably other places like clubs. That might have meant knowing someone that could help now. You can still begin now

I know I need to have a friendship group - might be fun also mutual support. Difference is I have autism and having had no support in the past I find it very difficult to ask for help and don’t have the network. I hate it.

A tip
I’m just getting a bit of help now and one of the things I’ve been told about putting myself out there is that it might not work and may feel discouraging or rejected - I may try to chat at a party and they don’t respond or the person can’t help. Very hard but I need to try again, that person or someone else.

I think you should assume Jo’s dad can’t do it, or at least not in the timeframe you need.
Find another solution that doesn’t rely on him eg local Facebook page

It is a very random choice to ask a dad you’ve never met.
Nothing wrong in asking for lifts or favors to your close friends.

But this isn't you being self sufficient. You're asking someone who you've never met for a favour.
Hire a van for an hour or pay for the delivery- that's self sufficiency.

That was a lot of preamble to get to the situation at hand.

I am self-sufficient and don’t like asking for help.

But I also have friends and it’s not ‘helpless female’ to look after each other friends when they were smaller. This sort of reciprocal arrangement was (is, still, a bit) a Godsend.

It’s nuts to pay a babysitter for the sorts of things friends happily help each other out with, on a two-way street basis.

*look after each other’s kids.

You don't even know the guy. All the waffle at the beginning and it's not even someone who has offered you help before.

Not being unkind but you're being silly. He doesn't owe you help.

YABU because I'd pay the extra £20 for the headspace this is taking up. Also because often asking for help and helping others is a sign of emotional intelligence, not a weakness

If it were me I wouldn't say anything to DC about it now. I would completely forget asking the dad for help.
I would either pay a man with a van or change it and pay extra to have it delivered. If the latter is now no longer possible, hire a man with a van.

There's not a chance I'd ask one of my DCs parents that I've never met.

I'd be a bit if one of their mates parents asked me too.

It's a bit random not asking yourself too.

Wind them up and watch them go

7/10 for originality

@Calennig

The OP has said the person doing the work doesn't drive. I also wonder if the person doing the work is a tradesperson charging full rates, or it's being done as a favour/mates rates hence the OP needing to sort out the materials

FIL didn't drive he employed a labourer/driver to do that when he ran his own businnes and apparently before that employers always had people who could drive as it was a fairly large work gang he was in charge of never seemed to be an issue possible due to his skill set.

So mates rates people did have to get the stuff themselves.

A single man running own bussiness not driving and doing trade work would be odd.

You're missing my point, they aren't necessarily a tradesperson, could be a handy friend or relative. The OP refers to them as "the person doing the wotk" rather than "the tradesperson". They could be a retired neighbour, or like my husband, currently unable to drive for medical reasons (and he's self-employed no employees)

🤣🤣 I've toiled so long and hard alone, I've never asked for so much as a glance in help my whole life
Even now I haven't actually directly approached another adult for help I let my older child do it, now I'm panicking because I ordered something with no plan on getting it home.
You know the answer, text the dude or pay for the uplift. Or strap it to your back and drag it home alone 🤣
I am sorry the whole post made me literally snigger,

Missed the fact that ops kid was 21 haha. Meant sing on way home as they walked, thought it wouldnt go on the bus. Maybe take son and friends in car then let them carry it home for some beers

I did say in my OP that the person doing work for me doesn't drive. So they have even less way of collecting it than me, I at least do drive and have a car. On speaking to them, they genuinely believed that I'd be able to get it delivered by the local store, either for free or paying a delivery charge of up to £10. The fact it can't be delivered other than by a store charging almost double for the item was news to them.

I have looked into van hire for an hour or two it's not a possibility local to us, not that I've been able to find anyway. I'm sure it is elsewhere but it's not where we are, the minimum is a weekday. Our local B&Q did it years ago but not now.

If worst comes to worst, we can walk it back. I once carried a Christmas tree a mile home so it's not the end of the world. It's just frustrating that after never asking for help, the one time I do it goes tits up.

Btw, please don't confuse me not asking for favours with not doing them. I never did childcare favours because I wasn't around, but I have helped people in other ways where and when I can.

How about ordering a taxi but specifically ask for a big car like an estate or one of the bigger taxis that are used for wheelchair access? Explain to the taxi firm to pick you up from your house and go and get staff from the place your collecting it from to put it into the taxi ( you may find the driver will help) and take it back to yours. Cheaper than a hire van.

I don't know why the guy working for me (full price, not mates rates) does't drive btw. Possibly medical reasons, maybe other. Not my place to ask. Being as I only passed my test in my 40s and managed to do my job fine without a licence, I don't expect that everyone drives. He gets to jobs on foot or by public transport.

I can't take the item on the bus btw, it's too big.

I did call our local taxi firm earlier, I explained size/ what it is, and the controller said they probably didn't have anything big enough and even if they did, they're not vans so it's not the type of thing they'd be prepared to transport. So that's not an option either unfortunately.

I've still not heard from Jo or Jo's dad. I've assumed the answer is no. I'm more annoyed by the lack of response than it being a negative, an immediate no, I'm busy (or even a no with no reason) at least I would have known.

I don't know anyone else locally who has a van except for a couple of people who have very small vans which wouldn't be big enough. So we'll have to fetch it on foot.

But op you haven't asked for help.

Asking would have meant directly contacting someone and asking them in a polite social way. Not going through their teen by text then getting stressed at the lack of reply.

As others here have said. If you had seen the giving and asking if favours as part of a social dynamic rather than seemjng to look down on it you might have found it easier to do.

@Fiehc

I did say in my OP that the person doing work for me doesn't drive. So they have even less way of collecting it than me, I at least do drive and have a car. On speaking to them, they genuinely believed that I'd be able to get it delivered by the local store, either for free or paying a delivery charge of up to £10. The fact it can't be delivered other than by a store charging almost double for the item was news to them.

I have looked into van hire for an hour or two it's not a possibility local to us, not that I've been able to find anyway. I'm sure it is elsewhere but it's not where we are, the minimum is a weekday. Our local B&Q did it years ago but not now.

If worst comes to worst, we can walk it back. I once carried a Christmas tree a mile home so it's not the end of the world. It's just frustrating that after never asking for help, the one time I do it goes tits up.

Btw, please don't confuse me not asking for favours with not doing them. I never did childcare favours because I wasn't around, but I have helped people in other ways where and when I can.

But YOU haven’t your son has for you! Like PPs have said just ask someone ffs! And start asking for help in general! Life will be soooo much easier! And happier! You might make some new friends too

Well it's no different really from asking for help on Facebook (which I don't have) and someone volunteering a member of their family to help.

I have friends, I don't ask them for help because people are often unreliable and really the only person you can rely on is yourself (this was something my parents drummed into me growing up) and it's easier to just make my own arrangements. I do and have helped friends many times over the years, on occasions giving up a lot of my free time to do so, and never even getting a thank you. I am less generous when giving my time now but that's not to say I don't help.