That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

Stop playing the helpless female because you can't afford the delivery OP.

See how twattish that sounds? You're begging for help from a man who doesn't know you instead of hiring the appropriate help. How dare women ask for help 👀

Also, do you ever see men "playing the helpless man" and judging them, or is just women you judge?

OP can I ask a question. Are you in the UK? If you are in the UK during your life have you lived in a different country?

Just to clarify as people seem to be asking the same questions even though a lot of the below is in my OP...

1. Cheapest man with van service is £50. I have checked.
2. It won't fit in a bus or a taxi, it's too big. Would need to be a large transit at least.
3. I can't carry it on the roof of my car for the same reason
4. Jo's dad is aware that my DC/ I could use a hand with this task and that we're prepared to pay towards fuel and time.
5. My DC and Jo are in their 20s, not teenagers.
6. I can't afford the delivery so short of Jo's dad getting in touch, as I don't know anyone else with a van we'll be carrying it home.

Fwiw, as some people seem to be overly touchy about my reference to helpless females (the sort who can't do the simplest task like check their tyre pressure) yes of course I have a similar opinion of helpless men who claim to be unable to perform domestic tasks for example (can't work a washing machine, or care for their own children). It's why I've brought up my DC to be competent, self sufficient young people.

Not sure what the significance of asking where I lived/ have lived is, but I am in the UK. I have previously lived abroad as a student, many years ago now.

@Fiehc

Just to clarify as people seem to be asking the same questions even though a lot of the below is in my OP...

1. Cheapest man with van service is £50. I have checked.
2. It won't fit in a bus or a taxi, it's too big. Would need to be a large transit at least.
3. I can't carry it on the roof of my car for the same reason
4. Jo's dad is aware that my DC/ I could use a hand with this task and that we're prepared to pay towards fuel and time.
5. My DC and Jo are in their 20s, not teenagers.
6. I can't afford the delivery so short of Jo's dad getting in touch, as I don't know anyone else with a van we'll be carrying it home.

Fwiw, as some people seem to be overly touchy about my reference to helpless females (the sort who can't do the simplest task like check their tyre pressure) yes of course I have a similar opinion of helpless men who claim to be unable to perform domestic tasks for example (can't work a washing machine, or care for their own children). It's why I've brought up my DC to be competent, self sufficient young people.

Not sure what the significance of asking where I lived/ have lived is, but I am in the UK. I have previously lived abroad as a student, many years ago now.

When you ordered it, how did you decide how you were going to get this item to your house?

Again, I haven't ordered it. I've said this upthread but to repeat yet again:

The chap who is doing some work for me said I needed this item, and that I could purchase from a couple of local stores. His understanding was that the store provided free delivery (they do, not this item) or for a nominal charge. He doesn't drive so can't assist, and other than trying the other store (which also doesn't deliver) he had no other suggestions.

There are no other stores who provide delivery other than one charging £40 extra for the item.

When I found out the store didn't deliver, I tried to find an alternative store that did. Drawing a blank there, I checked man with van services but as expected they were more costly. I considered other options, including seeing if I knew anyone who could help, but as a fallback on the basis the store was 2 miles away knew that I could always walk the item back - if there were no other affordable options.

Clearly I would have preferred a within budget option that didn't involve me carrying it, hence hoping Jo's dad was able to assist. He's not, so fallback option it is.

How odd that having never asked for help and being contemptuous of those who do, the first time you do you ask for help from someone you don’t really know. That’s really bizarre behaviour. Maybe Jo’s dad is sick of helpless females asking him for help via his son.

Also - there’s nothing heroic about not asking for lifts if you choose not to drive. That’s just living with the consequences of a decision, as we all do, every day. I’m not at all sure why that’s in your OP.

Might be easier to just text all the people you regularly help and see if anyone can suggest anything. Someone will have a relative with a van.

@Fiehc

Again, I haven't ordered it. I've said this upthread but to repeat yet again:

The chap who is doing some work for me said I needed this item, and that I could purchase from a couple of local stores. His understanding was that the store provided free delivery (they do, not this item) or for a nominal charge. He doesn't drive so can't assist, and other than trying the other store (which also doesn't deliver) he had no other suggestions.

There are no other stores who provide delivery other than one charging £40 extra for the item.

When I found out the store didn't deliver, I tried to find an alternative store that did. Drawing a blank there, I checked man with van services but as expected they were more costly. I considered other options, including seeing if I knew anyone who could help, but as a fallback on the basis the store was 2 miles away knew that I could always walk the item back - if there were no other affordable options.

Clearly I would have preferred a within budget option that didn't involve me carrying it, hence hoping Jo's dad was able to assist. He's not, so fallback option it is.

So the man doing work for you paid for the item? Without dealing with delivery costs?

@Fiehc I sent you a private message..

Where have I said the person working for me paid for the item? He hasn't. He told me I needed to buy X so he could finish the job next week, that I could get it from Y who would deliver. This is pretty common with tradespeople in our area, they never supply materials although will advise on where to get things from etc.

When I checked, and delivery wasn't available, I asked if he had any ideas, he suggested a different store, and the rest I've already explained.

@Fiehc

Where have I said the person working for me paid for the item? He hasn't. He told me I needed to buy X so he could finish the job next week, that I could get it from Y who would deliver. This is pretty common with tradespeople in our area, they never supply materials although will advise on where to get things from etc.

When I checked, and delivery wasn't available, I asked if he had any ideas, he suggested a different store, and the rest I've already explained.

So you ordered sone that by you can't afford!

You don't have the £20 extra needed?

You should've made definite arrangements before ordering.

I really don't know what you're AIBU is?

And dont keep going on about Jo's dad, its nothing to do with him

People are being unnecessarily harsh. As fucking always.

I dont think so, the OP is utterly bizarre, from the judgy thing about 'helpless women' to the never asking for help, to now expecting some interaction with someone she doesnt even know and starting a thread about it. None of it makes sense.

I feel a bit sorry for poor Jo’s dad, who has had a MN thread made about him for the crime of not responding to an unsolicited request for help from someone he doesn’t know!

I don't think they are @BobHadBitchTits, the going rate is £50 or so but they are 'prepared' to pay £20 for a stranger to do them a favour
It's just odd
People with vans are always asked for small favours, it's tiresome when you actually know them but to be asked a favour by a stranger, message delivered through two people and offered £20?

I do all our heavy lifting (single mother bought volvo estate as the back seats go down and it becomes a bit of a van like thing) and I have hired vans including Ford transits etc when necessary. Sometimes the cost is more than the value of the item but you just have to suck it up and do it. I would never ask nor rely on a favour as the original post suggests however as that is too complex.

@BobHadBitchTits

People are being unnecessarily harsh. As fucking always.

OP is being utterly ridiculous and acting like the dad had let her down, he fucking hasn't, he never agreed to do it!

She ordered the item without having the money to afford delivery. Why?

So you ordered sone that by you can't afford!

Is this the new "cancel the cheque"? She's said about a thousand times that she hasn't ordered it, and she has said she has a free option to get it home. It's just not a very convenient option.

Repeating the same false accusations after they've been rebutted amounts to unintentional bullying, when you consider the victims perspective.

Anyway, my verdict is that OP is unreasonable. I would never ask for a favour from someone I don't know.

The way to handle this is to get the son to help carry, the son can potentially rope in his friend for the walk, the friend might (or might not) choose to rope in the dad, but there's no way the dad should be indirectly asked by OP.

So what are you going to do @Fiehc?

@Getoff

So you ordered sone that by you can't afford!

Is this the new "cancel the cheque"? She's said about a thousand times that she hasn't ordered it, and she has said she has a free option to get it home. It's just not a very convenient option.

Repeating the same false accusations after they've been rebutted amounts to unintentional bullying, when you consider the victims perspective.

Anyway, my verdict is that OP is unreasonable. I would never ask for a favour from someone I don't know.

The way to handle this is to get the son to help carry, the son can potentially rope in his friend for the walk, the friend might (or might not) choose to rope in the dad, but there's no way the dad should be indirectly asked by OP.

She might not have ordered it but she is going to buy it nevertheless so it amounts to the same thing, perhaps more accurate to say she has planned to buy or is going to buy it

Victim!!!!!

Accusations!!!!

Please

Fwiw, as some people seem to be overly touchy about my reference to helpless females (the sort who can't do the simplest task like check their tyre pressure) yes of course I have a similar opinion of helpless men

Well then, why don't you say helpless people instead of using a misogynistic sexist cliché.

We aren't being overly touchy, we are pointing out sexism, and you should accept that and take it on board, instead of trying to defend it. Stuff like this needs to be pointed out (I don't like the phrase "called out") whenever we see it. You say you're teaching your DC practical skills not to be helpless but if you're saying sexist tropes like this around them, you're not setting a good example.

@Getoff

So you ordered sone that by you can't afford!

Is this the new "cancel the cheque"? She's said about a thousand times that she hasn't ordered it, and she has said she has a free option to get it home. It's just not a very convenient option.

Repeating the same false accusations after they've been rebutted amounts to unintentional bullying, when you consider the victims perspective.

Anyway, my verdict is that OP is unreasonable. I would never ask for a favour from someone I don't know.

The way to handle this is to get the son to help carry, the son can potentially rope in his friend for the walk, the friend might (or might not) choose to rope in the dad, but there's no way the dad should be indirectly asked by OP.

She said a thousand times..... I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!

Anyway she's got an item that is her responsibility and doesn't have the means to get it. She's blaming someone who may not even know they've been volunteered.

Thanks @Getoff. I think some posters are either unable to read simple sentences or being deliberately obtuse and inflammatory.

I don't have to lay out my finances, I have to have a job done which I can't complete myself, so I've hired someone to do it. His costs are higher than expected but as despite asking about 20 tradespeople for quotes only he got back to me, so as the work is urgent and essential I had no alternative. On top of that I then found I can't get this item delivered other than by paying an extra £40-50 which is a lot in my current situation. So, at a loss as to what to do, I accepted the suggestion that Jo's dad was contacted knowing that my only other option was to carry it home.

I've many times been asked for favours by a friend of mine on behalf of a friend or relative of theirs who I don't know and have never met, I gave an example upthread. Hence it didn't seem unusual to me, and clearly it isn't to any of those people who have asked me in the past. But thats by the by.

Re the sexism point, I mentioned women behaving in a helpless fashion because I am a woman, so it was to me a more relevant comparison. When I'm talking to my son I reference helpless men (like his own father, who can't or won't do any domestic tasks), I wouldn't draw a comparison for him with what women might or might not do as I don't think it's relevant. But ok, I should have said helpless people in my post. I'm not a sexist though, I'm equally disappointed with anyone who feigns helplessness with basic tasks, irrespective of gender. HTH.

Jo's fucking dad again. Jesus