That this is exactly why I don't ask for help with things

[Fiehc]

I was a single parent from when my DC were small. No family of my own, and no close/ reliable friends. So I muddled through. Always paid for childcare/ babysitters until DC old enough to be left alone, always paid for everything else, or did it myself, or did without. I only learned to drive a couple of years ago, prior to that me and DC would use public transport of walk everywhere, even when it took 3x as long as by car, never asked for lifts - I'd accept if they were offered but I wouldn't expect it.

I've seen quite a few people I know over the years doing the helpless female bit, oh X doesn't work, can someone help me. Or even when DC were at school, there would often be mums on the school WhatsApp group asking for favours picking up or dropping off kids, or minding them for a few hours and so on. I've never done any of that, always tried to be self sufficient.

So, I'm now in a situation where I do need some help. I need to collect an item from a local store, which doesn't provide delivery of this particular (bulky) item. It's too big to go in my car. I've tried other retailers, and I can't get it from there either, except for one which is charging £40 more for the item (which only costs £60). All local man with van services charge a minimum of £50.

I mentioned this dilemma to eldest DC (21), a few days ago who said ah, Jo's dad has got a big van, and I know often helps people out with stuff, I'll ask if he can do it.

Jo is DCs best friend who I know well and has been to our house many times. I've never met Jo's dad. However they live about 3 miles from us. DC messaged Jo who said 'yeah I'll ask my dad but he should be able to do it no problem'. That was 2 days ago. Since then nothing.

I need to get the item by Monday because it's needed for some work I'm having done (and the person working for me doesn't drive). I have asked DC who just keeps saying Jo's dad hasn't replied to Jo yet about it. I feel bad now chasing DC. However it is stressing me out.

So now I'm in limbo. I don't really know anyone else to ask, and if I do will probably end up in the same uncertain situation. At this rate I'll end up with me and DC having to carry it home (store is 2 miles from my house) AIBU to think this is exactly why I don't ever ask anyone for help or rely on anyone because the one time I do this is what happens?

@Fiehc

Well it's no different really from asking for help on Facebook (which I don't have) and someone volunteering a member of their family to help.

I have friends, I don't ask them for help because people are often unreliable and really the only person you can rely on is yourself (this was something my parents drummed into me growing up) and it's easier to just make my own arrangements. I do and have helped friends many times over the years, on occasions giving up a lot of my free time to do so, and never even getting a thank you. I am less generous when giving my time now but that's not to say I don't help.

It clearly is different.

Someone answering a Facebook notification would be the person you are dealing with.. So they volunteer themselves.

It’s completely different to a person volunteering someone else

He clearly doesn’t want to do it & he doesn’t Owe you anything. You don’t even know the bloke and you won’t even be on his top 10 things to make sure he replies back to.

Pay double to get them or walk but stop the poor woo is me act.

* I have friends, I don't ask them for help because people are often unreliable and really the only person you can rely on is yourself*

Your definition of and experience with friends is very different from mine.

* I do and have helped friends many times over the years, on occasions giving up a lot of my free time to do so, and never even getting a thank you.*

You sound unhappy and bitter

I like being self sufficient. So, if I can’t arrange paid delivery, or if it’s not worth paying delivery for, I simply won’t buy the item. Don’t act like it’s some life saving drug you can’t do without!

Cancel the purchase. Your backstory was’nt necessarily!

My friends and family aren’t unreliable.

I agree, just concentrate on a plan for your problem with the large item

It was unnecessary to be sneery about other mums that ask for help .
Maybe that's why nobody wants to help u !

If someone volunteers a family member, as in the example I gave, it's no different. That's what Jo's done here.

If I was expecting that Jo's dad should and would help, I do think that would be unreasonable of me. He owes me no obligation to assist of course. It would be nice if he did, and Jo did indicate he would, but equally that assistance was not in Jo's gift to give.

But what has irritated me is the lack of response, and I feel this is the problem with asking anything of anyone, you're instantly reliant on them, even just for a yes/ no response.

I've been asked for help with things, either directly or volunteered by other people ("I've told my friend/ family member you could give them a hand with X or advise them on Y') and if it wasn't something I could do, for whatever reason, I would say as much immediately. That's me of course.

Anyway, as I said, we have a fallback to collect it and carry it home. Not particularly easy but that's what we'll do.

@A580Hojas

What a lot of fuss! I can't believe what I'm reading. Such a dramatic thread title and paragraphs of martyrdom.

True!

You either pay the man abs can or don't have the item!

Unfortunately not having the item isn't an option. Paid delivery isn't provided by any store. So it's pay a premium for the item (extra £40), pay a man with van (£50 minimum) or bring it home myself.

Carrying it home is obviously less easy than someone taking it in a van, but it is at least an option given the store is only 2 miles away.

I wouldn't be able to put it on the roof of my car, even if DC and I could get it on the roof (we're all fairly short) in the first place, I can't see how we could get rope around it to ensure it was secure. I'd rather not drive a large item on my roof that wasn't properly secured, it's too risky.

Now I could just drive to pick it up in my car, having purchased a length of rope, in the hope or expectation that someone there will help me load and tie it on, but I think that would be unrealistic.

@Fiehc

Unfortunately not having the item isn't an option. Paid delivery isn't provided by any store. So it's pay a premium for the item (extra £40), pay a man with van (£50 minimum) or bring it home myself.

Carrying it home is obviously less easy than someone taking it in a van, but it is at least an option given the store is only 2 miles away.

I wouldn't be able to put it on the roof of my car, even if DC and I could get it on the roof (we're all fairly short) in the first place, I can't see how we could get rope around it to ensure it was secure. I'd rather not drive a large item on my roof that wasn't properly secured, it's too risky.

Now I could just drive to pick it up in my car, having purchased a length of rope, in the hope or expectation that someone there will help me load and tie it on, but I think that would be unrealistic.

For goodness sage Pat the £40 extra! Which is only £20 extra as your were going to gives Jos dad £20.

It's not easy to get someone to help you as they need a large vehicle, which the majority like you don't have.

You are acting like the whole works won't help you. When actually few can help you abs it's only the dad that was volunteered that isn't coming back to you.

All this angst!

@Fiehc

Unfortunately not having the item isn't an option. Paid delivery isn't provided by any store. So it's pay a premium for the item (extra £40), pay a man with van (£50 minimum) or bring it home myself.

Carrying it home is obviously less easy than someone taking it in a van, but it is at least an option given the store is only 2 miles away.

I wouldn't be able to put it on the roof of my car, even if DC and I could get it on the roof (we're all fairly short) in the first place, I can't see how we could get rope around it to ensure it was secure. I'd rather not drive a large item on my roof that wasn't properly secured, it's too risky.

Now I could just drive to pick it up in my car, having purchased a length of rope, in the hope or expectation that someone there will help me load and tie it on, but I think that would be unrealistic.

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. The delivery charge is perfectly reasonable. That is the 'man with a vans' actual job. He expects to be paid for his time,fuel and wear and tear on his vehicle. I would imagine he and your son would also lift the giant thing in and out of the van. He is asking a fee , just as you are paid for the job you do. The young man who volunteered his dad may have just said it as a throw away comment. It may have gone out of his head as soon as he said it and he hasn't mentioned your request to his dad at all. If you book and pay for someone who does this as a job then they will turn up at the shop when agreed, pick up the item and bring it to you. They will put it somewhere safe, you will give them the agreed fee and its all done. That is what you need to do. Carrying a giant ladder/fence panel/ new roof for your shed 2 miles home just to save £50.00 is mad. You have the money to pay the shop for it and to book and pay a man to do the job. The delivery fee is part of the cost. You just have to suck it up and tick the job off your list. I was a single mum of 2 for years. Sometimes it is appropriate to ask for help from friends and family and to give help when asked. Sometimes it is easier to just pay for service.

DH has a van. He used to do “van favours”, but they pretty much started taking over weekends. He’ll help out his friends occasionally; equally his friends respect his weekends enough to eliminate other reasonable alternatives first. If DS came in from school and says that Random Parent X needed a van favour, then Random Parent X didn’t even make direct contact, he wouldn’t be chasing it. On the off chance that Joe has actually mentioned this to his dad, has he told him time/date/OP’s phone number? Because if Joe is cast in the sane mould as my teenage boy, it won’t have occurred to him to consider the details of what needs doing.

Being a single parent I'm careful with money, I have to be. And whilst I'm sure it's 'only £40-50' for many of you, I don't view it in the same way. That's money I could be putting towards something else. I'm already paying a tradesman because I can't do this particular job myself, which is already costing more than anticipated. I can't afford more extra costs, when I have an alternative.

I'm not complaining about what I'm paying the tradesman, thats his price. Some of you also seem to think I'm complaining about what man with van services charge. Again I'm not. I have said round here they charge £50 minimum, whether they're moving a single item or multiples, and irrespective of distance. In the same way as a taxi might have a minimum £6 charge. That's their pricing structure and I only mentioned it to explain why I wasn't using the service, despite several posters telling me man with van services might be £20 (they might be elsewhere, they're not where I live).

So…. You want someone to work for free. Delivering your item for you. £40 is a lot to you, a half morning’s work plus fuel is a lot to someone you know of with a van .

@ReadyToMoveIt

Wasn’t the kid 21..?

Just imagining the OP and her adult kids singing on the bus while carrying a fence panel

And sharing snacks. 😍

The thing is, your OP is a false equivalence. Usually when people ask for help, they ask people they know and they ask them directly. They are also usually people they have a relationship of reciprocity with. They usually get a response (whether it’s a yes or no) as it’s someone they’re in regular communication with.
Asking for help doesn’t usually involve indirectly asking someone you’ve never met. That’s always likely to lead to a less favourable outcome.

OP have you tried Shipley? I have used it many times . It sounds like the store is not too far from your home so I think you should be able to get a good quote on there.

Delivery or man with a van is always worth it.

And you're now saying you're complaining about the lack of response, he doesnt even owe you a response. If I had been 'volunteered' by some numpty teenager who didnt really understand what that entailed, I wouldnt be responding or engaging with the person either.

Paid delivery isn't provided by any store. So it's pay a premium for the item (extra £40), pay a man with van (£50 minimum) or bring it home myself.

You need to flip your thinking on this.

The price of the delivered item is £60+£40 = £100.

You can get it at a discount if you can transport it yourself = £60.

If you can’t then you need to pay full price.

I think you're being cheeky. £40/50 is a lot of money to most people and if that's what they charge then that's it
You can't expect a complete stranger to give up their time to help you for £20 because it's all you want to pay
I'm sick of people asking for a 'small' favour. Everyone does it when you've got a van

@HomeHomeInTheRange

So…. You want someone to work for free. Delivering your item for you. £40 is a lot to you, a half morning’s work plus fuel is a lot to someone you know of with a van .

Where have I asked anyone to work for free?! I've no idea what you're talking about.

If you're referring to Jo's dad, I have offered via Jo £20 to cover his time/ fuel costs. As to how much time it would take, Jo's dad is about a mile from the store. So a mile there, 2 miles to my house, 3 miles home. DC and I would help him to load and unload the item. Total journey time about 20 minutes. Add another 20 max for loading and unloading. 40 mins, maybe 45 max. Please explain how that is half a mornings work? (Jo's dad doesn't work weekends).

Again he's entitled to say no. I haven't at any point said he should help, or he owes me. I'd just have liked a reply.

Do you know about the NextDoor app/website? This is the kind of request on ours a lot and if you offered £20 you’d get loads of offers of help!

I think you are being a bit U OP. It's not exactly that you've asked a good friend or family member for a favour and they have declined, you have tried to make arrangements through your teen DC to ask his friends Dad to help you. Who knows if this message has even been passed on? Perhaps the man is busy or has enough going on in his own life and doesn't want to be your man with a van this weekend. I think you were being a bit ambitious expecting this to happen. Sorry I know it is expensive but in this occasion you should make your own arrangements.

As they say in 'business speak' , "Don't bring me problems,give me solutions ".
Son's friend's dad .....not a realistic solution.
Facebook ....you could join and then put out a post asking for help. Perfectly good solution but unlikely anyone will do it for free since they don't know you.
You could book a man with a van. A good solution but will cost money.
Carry it 2 miles ,having presumably walked/got the bus to the shop in the first place. Will probably mean a row with your son when you are both knackered after the first mile. You are trapped at that point. Too far to go back, no way of getting a van. You will probably damage your shoulder for weeks/ long term. It's a solution but probably not the best one.

If he hasn’t contacted you, then the reply is no.