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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

259 replies

UserOfManyMonickers · 24/03/2022 19:22

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

OP posts:

leftistbimbo · 24/03/2022 22:33

My brother sounds similar to your son. He tried a few different clubs growing up but was never too keen, but then he tried tae kwon do and loves it! He’s kept at it for what must be going on 10 years now. YANBU to want to encourage him into some exercise and socialising, but I think it might be time to ditch scouts and find him a new hobby.

AlphaJura · 24/03/2022 22:34

If he doesn't want to do it, don't make him do it. It's a bit unfair you didn't make the others do stuff like this but trying to make him? It's not like he's gaming all the time and his school work is suffering. If my son was acing at school, I certainly wouldn't be forcing him to do an activity he hates (as it stands, mine hates school and it's a struggle enough to get him to do that ). Not everyone is the outdoorsy type. I'd leave him alone.

Contractorproblems123 · 24/03/2022 22:34

@TheYearOfSmallThings

But now you’re punishing him by changing the password

She's not punishing him. She is removing the option for an 11 year old child to spend the entire weekend glued to a computer. She is making clear that if he drops other activities he can't substitute more screen time.

I’d get that if op’s son just gamed all the time, not doing well at school etc but op writes

he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

So if this is what he really loves why can’t he do that?

Kezzie200 · 24/03/2022 22:35

No. Let him be himself. Be proud of him for who he is. He sounds a wonderful lad.

Booboobibles · 24/03/2022 22:36

At least you know where your DS is and what he’s up to.

My DS is on the spectrum and I encourage him to come on two dog walks every week and during the holidays it’s every day, which he does because he knows he doesn’t feel great if he doesn’t leave his room all day.

Apart from that I leave him alone because I don’t want him to hate me. I know how difficult it is though. I do tell him how good I feel when I go running in the hole that he might start running in the future.

Once your DS is slightly older you won’t feel it’s your responsibility anymore and that should be quite freeing.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 24/03/2022 22:39

My dh sounds similar. He disliked group activities with his peers (still does but tolerates them now for work/family reasons). What he did like were things solitary sports like windsurfing and weights. Wanting him to like an outdoor activity/sport and take a break from the computer is fine, forcing him to go somewhere he clearly doesn't is not.

You need to find what works for him.

AlphaJura · 24/03/2022 22:41

I know you're worried about the exercise aspect, although he isn't overweight, but maybe he isn't a team player? So maybe he'd prefer to go on walks with you (that's what I get my ds to do), or more solo activities like cycling, the gym, running, athletics? I was always quite 'athletic' I did alright at athletics, dance and gymnastics, running, cross country, but hated team games such as hockey and netball with a passion because I was an introvert. Maybe encourage him to do some workouts using a tutorial online?

wouldthatbeworse · 24/03/2022 22:41

I think you need to let him quit scouts but on the basis that he goes for a walk/swim/whatever with you each day at the weekend. There’s a lot of cross over in science and nature so maybe he can find an interest in rocks/birds/plants whatever to nurture

Userg1234 · 24/03/2022 22:42

Right Saturday morning you can meet me and my friends at 5am at the m4/m5 interchange. We are driving to Carlisle to watch Bristol Rovers. We will stop for a burger. Get there about 11...pub for lots of cider...fight their fans at 1pm...

No thought not....so why make your son do something he doesn't want to?

slimshady18 · 24/03/2022 22:56

you said you shelled out a lot for the kit but that's completely your fault, he didnt want to do it? not really sure why you're posting

Jjjayfee · 24/03/2022 22:58

Why don't you talk to him about what he would like to do to get fitter? At 11 he must hate being ordered to scouts.

godmum56 · 24/03/2022 22:58

@axolotlfloof

Would he sleep in the garden this weekend, and cook all his meals on a campfire? No screens at all, so he's getting the break from tech but no scout camp? He has to choose a family outdoor activity this weekend (eg walk, bike ride, run, orienteering, geocaching etc). I think you are right to want this for him, but he needs to take the lead in some way. At 11 does he have a screen time limit? My boys are older and no screen time limits as long as they do plenty of exercise (they like sport) join in family activities and do h/w.

FFS WHY?

godmum56 · 24/03/2022 22:59

@Jjjayfee

Why don't you talk to him about what he would like to do to get fitter? At 11 he must hate being ordered to scouts.

who has said he isn't fit?

L0stinCyberspace · 24/03/2022 23:00

He sounds like a great young lad. Please don't force him to go to Scout's. He would really like his Mum to "get" him and I understand your worry about being sedentary the whole time, but at 11 maybe try a bargain,? A DS & Mum walk once a week for an hour and a treat afterwards? No Scout's Camp but attend a Techie camp in the summer instead? Try archery / Aikido / Judo in exchange for dropping Scouts? Give him a few options to choose from. Accept the person he is but see can you make exercise a thing he enjoys too.

Sixtycats · 24/03/2022 23:03

Get him OUT

He's 11 now, but let him be sedentary his whole life and you're setting him up for obesity and a heart attack before 40. We are supposed to MOVE, this is not normal no matter how normalised it is. Maybe find out why he's so averse to the outdoors?

Regardless of his reasoning, you are not being unreasonable for wanting your child's life to be more than screens and poor health.

11 is not too old to change.

TheGrinchsDog · 24/03/2022 23:05

My eldest DN was the same!

Now he's mid 20's and he has a social life away from his computer, holds down a job and does regular exercise taking the dog for a walk. I think he joined a gym at one point but didn't like it.

DN has ADHD and tech stuff was his passion. He's still my go to for anything tech related because he still has an interest but is far less obsessive than he was when he was younger.

I wouldn't force him just now, maybe encourage social life in other ways that would fit around his passion, like a game night with friends at yours or something?

I'm glad you've decided not to make him go, and try not to worry too much. Bet your older two turned out fine right?

Fcuk38 · 24/03/2022 23:05

Massive red flag if he won’t go out. My nephew was like this now in his twenties and doesn’t leave the house at all.

godmum56 · 24/03/2022 23:07

@Fcuk38

Massive red flag if he won’t go out. My nephew was like this now in his twenties and doesn’t leave the house at all.

He goes to school, his attendance is good and he is doing very well. Where is the red flag in that?

TheGrinchsDog · 24/03/2022 23:09

Ooh just scrolled up and someone mentioned Geocaching! That's actually something that might work, it's got a bit of everything. Gets you out and about and you need your tech (app on your phone) to find the caches so maybe that would be something he'd enjoy?

notsohippychick · 24/03/2022 23:13

This is awful to read.

You are forcing a square peg into a round hole because YOU think he should go to scouts. YOU think he should join more clubs. It’s all what YOU think.

Now you are punishing him as he’s having a meltdown and doesn’t wanna go. Because he doesn’t want to go to a camping trip YOU think he should go to.

This isn’t about exercise at all. This is about you thinking you know what’s best for your son. He’s happy and thriving. Leave him alone. All this is just making him feel you don’t accept him. That want to change him.

Plenty of things to try regarding exercise without forcing the poor boy into a trip he’s clearly quite upset about going on.

Concentrate on what he’s doing well. This is an issue of your own making

notsohippychick · 24/03/2022 23:14

And yes to geocaching. I think this could be good for him but you do it with him. Don’t force him to go with people he doesn’t know.

1Dandelion1 · 24/03/2022 23:18

Honestly i wouldn't force him, but maybe you could get him interested in another activity like photography? If you could find a second hand or entry level DSLR camera on offer you could encourage going out to do photography and then editing on his computer after.

Smorgasbordbaby · 24/03/2022 23:21

My parents tried to force me to go outside and socialise and all it did was make me miserable and resentful. My son has ASD and having it myself has made it easier to support him, he would also happily spend his weekend in his room reading or playing. Team sports, large groups, anything outdoorsy is a big turn-off but a couple of years ago he and I had a long talk about exercise and how it affects both mental and physical health so we started going on walks together, sometimes it's the whole family, sometimes me and him. It's really helped his anxiety and sleep.

I think you need to assess whether an ASD assessment might be appropriate for your son (though I understand they're like hen's teeth at the moment) and also have a conversation with him about this. Explain why you're worried, tell him you understand Scouts isn't his thing but he needs something that gets him out of the house for a short period every weekend. Let him do some thinking and googling about what that might be.

Ravenglass83 · 25/03/2022 06:29

Just thinking too - I hated (and was terrified of) games like rounders at school. I loved other exercise and social things but if I'd have been forced to play rounders by my family I'd have been miserable, my family was the safe zone away from the few bits of school I didn't like. Definitely agree with those suggesting you help him explore other ways to get active rather than trying to push the Scouts if it's not working for him.

PinaColada123456 · 25/03/2022 07:11

This reply has been deleted

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