To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

You can insist that he find something physical to do for the health benefits. He can try different things until he finds something he likes. But I probably wouldn't force him to do something social that he doesn't like. The waste of money is on you. He didn't ask for it, and he's old enough that you should have consulted with him before spending the money.

I did one or two activities purely because my parents insisted. They meant well, but I didn't enjoy it, and it didn't feel great to get the message that my introversion was a problem instead of just a personality trait!

Let him be and dont force him please

YABU.
You should never ever force a child to do something they don't want to do.
My db was in this situation when he was younger. My df forced my db to play football, he now absolutely hates it with venom. My db has a resentment about it and as I saw this being younger than him have never forced my dc to do things. I have encouraged them and introduced them to clubs etc, but never forced them.

It doesn’t sound like it’s for him. But he needs to do some exercise - show him guidelines should appeal to logical mind. Would something more solitary suit him better.

Well I would have insisted he went as he was already committed and it’s only 2 nights. It would have been fine.

But seeing as you’ve caved you need to stand firm on him finding a form of exercise he will do even if he doesn’t love it. Something solitary would suit him.

If he’s bright, talk him through the tech side of health and fitness.

Oh Lord no, don’t make him. My son isn’t a computer genius, he doesn’t have ASD, but when he was 11 he decided he wanted to go to scouts because all his mates went. He lasted about a month - even went on a residential. It’s not a catch all for getting kids to do activities. He was bored and found the activities boring. Some kids absolutely love it. My partners kids went all the way through to Venture Scouts level and loved it, but it really wasn’t for my kid. Do try him with other things - a martial art or swimming club or similar, but most of their friends and social life is online now, so it’s hard to pull them away. Mine does martial arts a few times a week and plays football with his mates at school, and that will do.

@Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy

Walking, horse riding, swimming, running, going to the gym, skateboarding, dancing, park run, gymnastics, tennis, badminton, geocaching, orienteering, climbing, trampolining and home workouts off the top of my head. Hell, even playing Pokémon go. There's a million ways to be active that doesn't involve going to scouts and being forced out of your home for 2 nights with people you don't like. He sounds like a great kid but sorry to say you sound like a bit of a bully.

yup. Activity for health yes but sport? Scouts? camping? fuck that

You should never ever force a child to do something they don't want to do.

What complete tosh. I was ‘forced’ to do physics and chemistry for o level and I ended up super grateful for a grounding in science.

I was forced to study Pope and Hardy for A level, which I initially hated and ended up loving.

Of course children should do things they don’t want to do or don’t like.

@Geppili

What is a Sheldon Cooper type and why would Op worry about it?

From the big bang theory.

He's a highly intelligent character who isn't autistic but has very stereotypical traits.

He's a great character and really represents the highly intelligent need for absolute routine people well as he's also very funny and kind.

camping? fuck that

Camping is ace when you’re 11.

@UserOfManyMonickers

Honestly we have tried getting him out. He had membership of our gym but would just sit on the treadmill on his phone. I’ve tried getting him out for walks but he’ll just walk with a face like a slapped arse not talking after arguing against it for a hour beforehand. He used to like bike rides but actually took the pedals off and hid them so he couldn’t ride it .

He’s on the Environmental Committee at school doing a project with Yr11s which he’s happy to do but won’t do any sporty clubs. He walks home from school (20mins) which is s small mercy I suppose. I can’t find any any science or computing clubs in my area.

He has lots of friends and is very popular but is only comfortable with girls and all his best friends are girls. He doesn’t like boys as he says they’re disgusting creatures and talk about stupid stuff (maybe due to his older brothers I suppose!). They are also very lazy and techy too. One is at Uni but hardly goes at he’s up all night playing games and talking shit to his mates. The other one has ASD but with a learning disability. I have wondered DS3 is on the opposite side of the ASD spectrum. He’s Sheldon to a tee! Really don’t want to think too much about that though at the moment though.

OK I’ve told him he’s doesn’t have to go but I will be changing the internet password. His brother has lectured him saying he regrets that he didn’t keep going. He’s now considering his options.

I am soooo glad you are not my mother because that's just bitchy revenge

@TatianaBis

camping? fuck that

Camping is ace when you’re 11.

For some 11 year olds

His brother has lectured him saying he regrets that he didn’t keep going

That’s interesting.

My dd was always like this, she has Aspergers and has always loved tech. I tried sending her to Brownies/guides and she hated it, tried football, hated that too, dance….trampolining…hated them all so I gave up. She’s now 18 and has only recently managed to get into a good friendship group with kids similar to her (they are all intelligent and geeky), she’s still very lazy and I have to drag her out at the weekends for some fresh air. I bought her a camera which worked well for a while because she could take photos whilst out and then edit the photos when she got home.

I wouldn’t force him to go to scouts, it’s obviously not his thing and if he’s anything like my dd he will get on better with older children who are more on his level. My dd found most children her age really boring.

I wouldn't make him go. It's a long time for an 11 year old especially if there is no one there he clicks with. He's not going to enjoy it and there is nothing to be gained and only to be lost from it - trust, confidence in you and himself, cementing the fact in his own head that it's not his thing.
My DS is xbox obsessed and spends far too long playing online with friends. But we have a rule that he has to do one extra curricula a week that is a physical activity. He has accepted that and does a martial art which he is moderately good at.
We've come to an agreement that on Saturdays he can chill on the xbox with friends all day if he wants, but on Sundays he has to come on family walks or activities or go out with friends. He might get a little screen time then but it's limited. It's not ideal and I'd like to throw out the xbox, but it's a compromise.

In your opening post you seem to be more worried about the social side of his life, well clearly scouts isn’t for him, so why don’t you find something more in keeping with his interests, so a science club, or a coding club. I am not surprised he is upset, you would probably be upset if someone tried you to spend a few days and nights with people you felt you had no common interests with.

@UserOfManyMonickers

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy!

If he was sitting for hours reading books would that still be a problem? What about if he was sitting for hours drawing or painting? Writing stories or poems?

People are allowed to have hobbies they like, just because a screen is involved doesn't make it inherently bad. My husband games to unwind, I draw or knit. I'm considered 'creative' or 'crafty' while my husband would be labelled a manchild on MN.

He's 11yo & 5'8" ?

I don't understand why you are forcing him to do something he isn't interested in, your description of him reminds me of my brother, he loved computers etc and was always top of the class. My dad tried to get him into sport (my dad always played rugby and was very sporty) he made him go for a while but it was clear he hated it and he eventually stopped going. It did drive a bit of a wedge between my dad and him as my dad wanted him to be sporty and thought he'd gets lots out of the social side of things, my brother just wanted to sit in his bedroom dismantling computers and things. My parents shouldn't have pushed him into it, he clearly didn't want to go. (My brother was a bit of a chubba too though so they were motivated by that a little).

I'd not make your son go, he's tried it and has said it's not his thing and the other people there aren't his bag so leave him be.

l was an outdoorsy child yet going away with the guides for two nights, (just to please my Mum) was one of the the worst experiances of my childhood. l absolutely hated every minute of it.
Most boys this age would rather be on tech, parents feel like they are failing yet society can be quite hostile towards boys this age, they are mostly viewed as a nuisance when out and about with their friends, cycling is unsafe for them on the busy roads ,people don't want them cycling on the pavement, or kicking a ball around, or in the p!ay areas with younger children, shops view them with suspicion.
My sons friends got told off by a neighbour just for bouncing a ball around in the street, whilst they were waiting for my son to come out, neighbour shouted over " I hope your not going to start kicking that ball around near my car". School is an extre mely controlled enviroment, so most don't want to bother with organised clubs. You can see why they prefer the safe place of their bedrooms. My two sons are older teens now and much more active, this seems to be a common theme.

Choose your battles. There are things we have to make our children do even if they dislike them - going to the dentist and learning to swim spring to mind. But why force the poor boy to do something completely unnecessary like camping?

Sell the expensive kit you've bought. He will find his own path and make friends in his own way.

I'd want my child to be physically active for the sake of their health too. Given he's as smart as he is, can you do some research on the topic together or find a way for him to educate himself on the benefits and importance of being active, and then get him to tell you what he's going to start doing? Maybe he can choose running or walking or YouTube fitness videos or martial art or golf, I don't know, but the idea is he chooses something that appeals to him but either ways it's exercise.

20 minutes walk home from school is regular exercise and fresh air. Any reason not to add in walking to school as well?

Watch out for anything he does enjoy - mine used to be fairly anti-PE but discovered she enjoyed badminton - she and her dad played daily during lockdown, and I'm hoping that when school PE ends she'll go along to the badminton sessions at the local sports centre. I think badminton/table tennis often appeal to those who aren't particularly keen on other sports.

He's got friends, so don't worry too much about that either. Don't knock the fact that they're mostly girls.

Could he walk to school, as well as home? That would be 40 mins exercise each day

Get a Fitbit, to combine tech with exercise?

Sounds exactly like my teen with aspergers syndrome, I wouldn't be surprised if yours was the same (although would just be ASD now). I would tell him he doesn't have to go on the camp, if he doesn't like boys and isn't friends with anyone there what is the point of making him go? It's obvious he is going to hate it and it's not going to suddenly make him healthier. He walks to school and back every day and I would insist he comes out for a walk both days at the weekend - get him to tell you about nuclear fusion or whatever he's into while you walk, this tends to help with mine who also hates outdoors/exercise.

I completely understand the need to make him do things sometimes, mine has very poor social skills (in contrast to his all 8's and 9's predicted for GCSE's) and wouldn't be able to go on a bus, buy something from a shop or do many other basic life skills unless we sometimes made him do things he'd rather not. Pick what's essential to life though is my advice - some exercise and a healthy diet is, two night camp that he'll hate isn't.