To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

The message you are giving him is you don’t accept him or like him and want to change him

If you are genuinely coming From health and fitness concern why not get a cheap exercise bike treadmill and agree he goes 5 mins for every hour ?

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

Choose your battles. There are things we have to make our children do even if they dislike them - going to the dentist and learning to swim spring to mind. But why force the poor boy to do something completely unnecessary like camping?

Sell the expensive kit you've bought. He will find his own path and make friends in his own way.

see though you can make a child take swimming lessons but you cannot make them learn to swim...I am living proof of this.

I wouldn’t force him, I think it defeats the point - surely the whole reason to do things like this is that it is an enjoyable experience?
If you want him to get out more then go walking with him, or surfing, or any other outdoor activity that isn’t so group based or has much older teens. He sounds mature for his age, I can understand why he would hate this.
He might like doing Duke of Edinburgh when he is a bit older though. My teens hated camp stuff but my younger one now at 14 is really enjoying doing Duke of E.

Please don’t force him

I agree with op on the moving about basis.

My friend forced her 12 year old to pgl last summer to much complaint so she only sent her for 4 days as a compromise went to collect had she had such a great time cross she couldn’t stay the week!

He doesn't need to be in the Scouts to exercise.

Teach him about the benefits of exercise to brain function - I just took a walk in the middle of the afternoon and came back buzzing with coding and app ideas. Your brain functions differently on the move.

God, just leave him be

It's often hard for parents to accept that their children aren't just as they expected, or they don't behave like you! I was sporty and academic. My children are neither. it took me a while to realise.
He's not nasty, or troublesome, or a bully....Let him be who he is, and love him for it.
How miserable to be sent off to camp. It'll be a horrible memory that he'll carry with him for ever. It will set you up as the enemy. Just keep on trying to find something he WANTS to do- make him walk to coding club or something ???

I don't think you should force him, op. It will do absolutely no good. Your son needs to be able to trust you.

He'll be fine. Does he cycle? That's good exercise, also gets him from A-B.

Congratulations on having a talented son. The rest will fall into place, you wait and see, but scouts? No.

You won't achieve anything with brute force, other than resentment.

He's smart, which means you need to be clever. See if you can encourage some techy interests that have outdoor aspects. Amateur radio would be one possibility.

Don’t know if anyone has suggested it, but bellringing would be an amazing hobby for him. It’s a fab blend of physical skill with a level of pattern in number and permutations that is unlike any other hobby. (I am a musician and don’t understand the number theory behind it but am still an outstanding ringer, so you don’t HAVE to know the concepts behind the patterns (called ‘methods’) but those who do have some of the best minds I’ve come across.

There is a high proportion of high functioning ASD people who are ringers.

My autistic 9 year old son is just like this, he would hate scouts, and can't stand team sports (he gets really annoyed when people don't play by the exact rules) but he does do bouldering (he likes the physics/maths of the angles!), parkour, and previously skateboarding and swimming. He will come out for walks if we are geocaching or playing Pokémon Go. He likes camping because he gets to light fires.

I'm sure there will come a point when these are rejected in the teen years and he becomes glued to devices but I don't think that's limited to autistic teens!

YABU. You talk about physical health, but what are you doing to his mental health by forcing him to do something he doesn't want to and is dreading?

I’m saying this kindly, but YAB MASSIVELY U here. Sending a reluctant, unhappy pre-teen off to camp for 2 nights when he has no other close friends in the pack is a recipe for disaster. He will be upset, the leaders will end up having to contact you (no doubt) and it may really damage your relationship with him. Please reconsider.

Leave the poor soul alone. While you mean well it's bullying him. If you want him to exercise why not offer to go on a bike ride with him? My 13 year old son is very similar to yours (he has asc) but he is quite happy to go on the odd bike ride if not forced to.

It's the same as having somebody who absolutely loves being outside and physical activity and forcing them to stay in a dark bedroom on the computer for days on end.

The environmental thing could easily be active, outside and physical - when I'm back from the gym or a run, I'm happy, a little achy and relaxed - but when I've spent time clearing sodding Cherry Laurel, pulling Ragwort whilst leaving patches away from livestock for moths, building habitat, strimming brambles to leave space for orchids or removing dangerous branches from 400 year old oaks, I'm so bloody knackered, I can hardly move, despite never getting over walking pace. Standard exercise, whilst I enjoy it, is nowhere near as pleasurable or physically taxing as doing something for good - and there's a massive amount of social interaction that's so much more nuanced and rewarding than 'KICK IT' or 'WHERE'S THE PEG HAMMER' in the pissing rain and wind of a standard camping trip.

I regret not quitting Scouts earlier since I was like your son. All the team stuff I was always on the perifery off and not really getting on with the other girls - I was ND too.

Really you are more likely to push him away from exercise than encourage him - neither of my boys do or have any wish to do team sports but we take them for walks, we are teaching them to ride bikes, we walk and talk and go swimming, bouldering and do watersports whenever we aren't in the Midlands.

It's more important to get them moving on a daily basis. My boys can stay on their computers for hours at a time but even they will get up and move if I prod them to.

This thread is fascinating. I am 100% on OPs side but so interesting so see how far in the minority I am in this.

@Sagegreenvelvet

This thread is fascinating. I am 100% on OPs side but so interesting so see how far in the minority I am in this.

why? what good would it do to force a child and how would you feel if you were the one being forced?

I forced my son to go to beavers and cubs. He thought I had to work late, while dad was at football. I justified it, because he always seemed to be having fun when I picked him up. Covid stopped that - he is now Y6 and was offered place in scouts but refuses to go. As PP said - 11 is old enough to choose own interests and square pegs don't fit in round holes. You can, and I think should, however, set time limits for screens, so he is forced to entertain himself in other ways. My son is similar, and I am increasingly aware that he is not NT. He is making his own world smaller and smaller, which is hard to watch. Again, very intelligent boy. He is also very good at sport - but nothing will convince him to join teams, even when his less able friends do. It's very frustrating but you can only encourage, not force.

Could you maybe find a science/tech podcast he might enjoy listening?

He might be open to go for walks while listening to stuff he’s interested in.

Totally sympathise with what you're trying to do.
Exercise is important.
Probably best not to force scouts, though.
As per PP suggestions, keep looking for alternative forms of exercise.
(And thank goodness for the 20min walk home from school)

I would strongly encourage him, even with gentle bribery, to give it a go. He did agree to sign up for it to begin with I guess or did you do it for him? I do push my kids to follow through when they have made a commitment to something (eg my DD signed up for DofE award but then decided she didn't want to do the expedition - I did push her to do it since she had made that commitment) but not if it wasn't their decision to begin with as that's not fair. He may surprise himself and find he does like it. Obviously, if he goes and doesn't like it then totally fine not to do it again, at least he's tried.

That said, if you don't get any traction with encouragement and bribery, and he's still vehemently refusing, then pick your battles. It's not worth it.

@TatianaBis

camping? fuck that

Camping is ace when you’re 11.

Not if you're an autistic bookworm that needs a lot of personal space.

Don’t force him to do that but definitely limit time be spends staring at a screen. He has to go out and get some exercise even a little walk or bike ride? Football in the garden or park?