To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

The thing is guides and scouts are a bit marmite, kids see themselves as not of that type outdoorsy person.
I can remember lots of kids giving them up at that age, and it being uncool, can't you OP?

Is there any compromise? Would your DS do an activity of some kind ? Badminton.. ? A school club?

Yanbu to get him out and doing some exercise. Yabu to force a club like scouts though.

My parents made me go on trips like this,
I hated them, I didn’t like the activities and felt self conscious doing them, I didn’t have a “friend group” so it was always really awkward and obvious when I had no one to pair up with or even hang out with in the down time.
The leaders would get others to include me but it was obvious to everyone that those kids would never choose to spend time with me by choice and I just felt like a big lonely spare part.

Listen to your son. If you’re worried about him being on tech all the time then tell him he doesn’t have to go but he’s not spending the weekend on a screen - take him for a hike yourself or swimming or something

You can encourage exercise without making him do scouts. Why don't you discuss this with him, say your concerned and he needs to find an exercise he can do if he stops scouts. If he's sciencey he'll know how important exercise is and if he doesn't you could switch him into it possibly via the science behind it. Maybe something solitary will suit him better like walking, swimming, running or cycling?

If you can find something he doesn't hate, you could make 30 mins exercise a condition of access to his computer in the evening or at weekends to encourage him into a routine with it.

@UserOfManyMonickers

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy!

I’m with you OP, my DS would stay in his room on tech all his life if I let him but he has been gently pushed into a couple of clubs as needs to be out, getting exercise and socialising, he used to scream before football but this year (now 14) he quite looks forward to going, and enjoys the other clubs too as he is now one of the eldest so less intimidated by older boys, who have moved on.

and please consider the scout leaders who have to deal with unwilling participants!

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view.

That’s admirable but to force him to do an overnight camp is NOT the way to do it! There’s lots of ways he can be healthy, help him find a hobby where’s he’s exercising- it does not have to be a team thing, swimming, gym equipment in the garage, even walking?

Yabu. Massively. How would you feel to be forced to do something you hated?

@UserOfManyMonickers

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy!

So take him out for a walk to buy an ice cream.

You've got an intelligent, pleasant son and you are picking a fight with him.

Stop it.

You are being unreasonable.

What about his mental health @UserOfManyMonickers ? Forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to will do more harm than good

He didn’t become obsessed with tech overnight, it’s probably going to take a while to introduce other activities to his life

Why Scouts?

Surely you could find a science or tech based club or activity he could join instead of you really want him to get out of the house and socialise?

Don’t make him go; I say that as the mother of 2 scouts and as a Cub leader. If he is so resistant, he’ll only be miserable and make it difficult for everyone else.

Have a frank discussion about the need to exercise, and try and find something he’ll agree to try. Archery? Tennis? Golf? Dragon boating? Footgolf? Target shooting? Urban orienteering?

I’m with him, sorry. He is too old, he should make the choice not you. He is also very upset so nothing good would come out of this, he would hate outdoor stuff forever.
Do you want him to get friends or just to be outside for fresh air? In both cases you could do something simpler and cheaper then camping.

I wouldn't force him. My DS15 didn't start to go out with friends until year 10, he didn't see them out of school at all. I was worried too but felt reassured by the fact that he had a good circle of friends at school. I made sure he got some exercise and fresh air on family walks and bike rides. Let him find his own way.

Don’t make him go. Make him do stuff together as a family instead - walks, bike rides etc.

Maybe you should just accept your child for who he is, not for who you wish he was. He doesn't want to do scouts and if you've wasted money that's your own fault. Don't punish him for it.

I think in this instance since all the kit has been paid for I would compromise. Tell him to try this one and if he hates it then he can quit scouts.

Then work with him to choose something he likes the look of rather than what you want.

*You've got an intelligent, pleasant son and you are picking a fight with him.

Stop it.

You are being unreasonable.*

This, really. Stop thinking in "should"s. He spends 5 days a week walking around school, and probably has PE.

Speaking as a leader please don’t force him! We don’t get paid, in fact we have to pay to attend camps too, as well as taking time off work, sorting childcare, etc.

It’s no fun for the children who don’t want to be there. And it’s no fun for us either, having to constantly try to jolly them along.

I hear your concerns about fitness and socialising. But forcing him into Scouts (or anything) isn’t the answer. It’s just going to drive him further into himself and away from you, it’ll be further proof (in his mind) that you don’t understand him and therefore don’t care.

Let him stop the Scouts (please, for the sake of the leaders if you can’t see how it would be better for him too). And in the discussion where you tell him you’ll not be forcing him to camp, put your concerns to him, and ask him what he’s going to do, what help he needs, in order to keep healthy and active. Is it going to be a family bike ride at the weekends? Or family hike (with whinging allowed only once every half mile for two minutes)? Or will he consider swimming lessons or joining the tennis club at school or walking the dog after tea each day? Pokémon hunting or geocaching or something which combines tech and the outside world?

Agree spending his entire life online not healthy, but maybe creating space for him to find his own alternatives - switching off the WiFi or having a rule about screen free time daily or whatever is going to fit into your family life - is likely to be more successful than forcing him to do something he hates.

And I get that you want him to have friends too. But frankly if he’s hating Scouts, then the children who go and love it are potentially not going to be the children he’d choose to be friends with anyway. Play yo his interests there - can you get him into a coding club or safe gaming tournament or similar?

This is the sort of thing that sticks for life. I’d have hated you too.

Sounds like you have a lovely lad with his own interests which are going to stand him in good stead in life. Why try to force him into a box he doesn’t fit in?

My step child quite literally will sit in front of a computer 16 hours a day. No exercise. Nothing else. There comes a point where there is very little that can be done. Has ASD as PP said too.

It's hard. My 9 year old is like this, and worries me more because we have moved recently and struggling to make friends. He tried so many clubs this year, but dropping them all. He's just started cubs, and am really hoping he sticks with it! Ultimately though if he isn't enjoying it I can't push it - and I don't think you should either. Had he made a friend or two there it would probably have been much more fun for him.

I understand what you are trying to do, and what you are trying to avoid. I would let him off the camp but it would be on the understanding that he is not going to spend the time at home on his computer instead. He can either arrange to meet friends or suggest an activity, or mow the lawn, or cook Sunday dinner, or accompany you to visit relatives...and of course parkrun.

I don't accept all these "don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole" comments. He can be great at technology without sitting indoors all day staring at a screen at the age of 11. It is not healthy, it is addictive, and the more he withdraws from human interaction the more difficult it will get. Scouts would have been an easy way out for you if he liked it, but since he doesn't I'm afraid you will have to work harder to limit his computer time.

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy

Walking, horse riding, swimming, running, going to the gym, skateboarding, dancing, park run, gymnastics, tennis, badminton, geocaching, orienteering, climbing, trampolining and home workouts off the top of my head. Hell, even playing Pokémon go. There's a million ways to be active that doesn't involve going to scouts and being forced out of your home for 2 nights with people you don't like. He sounds like a great kid but sorry to say you sound like a bit of a bully.

I'm a scout leader (so think scouts is great) but if it's not his thing, it's not his thing!

Don't make him. I think I'd dislike you a bit too if you were my mum!

If you want him to get more exercise, go bike riding WITH him or walking, put yourself out too. Don't just buy kit and send him off to something he hates.