To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

DD is an Explorer and loved being a Scout. So i do understand where you are coming from.

But - you need to positive about it to enjoy it. DH is the chair of our Scouts and does see the changes from Cubs to Scouts and then during the Scouts, lot of them leave because they don't enjoy it anymore, develop different interests and the leaders themselve say, nothing is worse than a Scout who doesn't want to be there.

Scouting brings a lot but only if you want to do it.

There are other ways to be active, I hate any kind of team sport, camping is the one thing I hate to do but I found my own ways to exercise. Maybe he prefers singular activities, running, weights, martial arts, yoga.

I think it is good to have a decent amount of exercise as a teen but forcing is not doing any good.

Poor child. So now the siblings are ganging up on him too!
He's doing great at school, he isn't overweight, he walks to school. Christ on a bike leave the kid alone!

Could you not find him a Science camp or something instead?

So instead of just saying he doesn't have to go, you're giving him a "choice" but punishing him if he chooses to stay home?

I was that kid who was forced into awful group activities and I hated every minute of it. I'm autistic and as an adult I work in a job that means I'm on my feet outdoors all day and I ride. It just took my years to find what I liked doing.

Please don't force him.

Exercise is really not the be all and end all it’s a modern fad, you’ve said he’s slim, if he eats ok he doesn’t need forced organised exercise

Would he sleep in the garden this weekend, and cook all his meals on a campfire?
No screens at all, so he's getting the break from tech but no scout camp?
He has to choose a family outdoor activity this weekend (eg walk, bike ride, run, orienteering, geocaching etc).
I think you are right to want this for him, but he needs to take the lead in some way.
At 11 does he have a screen time limit?
My boys are older and no screen time limits as long as they do plenty of exercise (they like sport) join in family activities and do h/w.

see though you can make a child take swimming lessons but you cannot make them learn to swim...I am living proof of this

Same here. Am in my 40s and can't swim. I hate being wet, and I hate being in water. My memories of being taught to swim by my parents was of me crying and saying I was terrified.

They also forced me to do Judo for years. I hated it, and as a result was utter shit at it too. They still drove me all over to do competitions. The only time I took a trophy home was if there was only 3 people in my weight group. I was a pre-teen/teen at the time. Having a boy my age, or even a grown man lay on top of me in a hold makes me feel sick even now.

It’s not reasonable to make him go if he doesn’t want to. There are lots of other types of exercise he could do. Maybe he would like gardening or jogging or another solo activity. Not everyone enjoys group activities.

If he is into tech, and if he sees his friends online.. maybe look into getting a VR headset. A lot of games and apps now can get you moving.
Gaming is no longer just sitting in front of a console and moving only your thumbs.

We spent over a decade trying to encourage our DS to try different activities so that he didn't spend his entire out of school life on gadgets. He's 25 now and when he's not working he's either asleep or on gadgets. He always detested team games and was never in cubs/scouts - although he did go camping every year with DH and willingly did his bronze DofE at school.
He was diagnosed as being on the AS at the age of 6.

You can force your DS to do things you think he should be doing but ultimately you will get wasting your time and money.

@BulletTrain

*You've got an intelligent, pleasant son and you are picking a fight with him.

Stop it.

You are being unreasonable.*

This, really. Stop thinking in "should"s. He spends 5 days a week walking around school, and probably has PE.

Yes, this!

This is why mine had paper rounds. It was the only way I could get them out for some vitamin D. They all have ASD too.

As well as the unwanted team stuff with girls whom I at best rubbed along with there wasn't much that seemed 'scouty' about scouts - we didn't seem to do much outdoor/nature stuff. It wouldn't have been that hard considering we were somewhere semi rural with outdoor space when it was light enough.

Don't force him but do try and lead by example - go to interesting places and explore things for instance. I love being outdoors in nature and have not been anywhere near a team sport for decades.

Don't bully him into doing something he doesn't enjoy.

He tried it, he does not like it. Forcing him will not help him like it one little bit. Have you at least attempted to find techie clubs in the area for him? MOST of the members may be older, but some may not. He'd get to socialize with people who think like he does, and who enjoy the same things.

Please don’t force him to do this. That is really cruel and will impact him and your relationship with him in a very negative way. Yes encourage him and enable him to get ‘out and about’ without the presence of technology. Don’t however force him to do something that he is so distressed about. Believe his emotional reaction. You mustn’t damage him.

I remember going to Brownies, at that age. Went home to my mum & said “nuh-uh!”
She was fine with that & never mentioned it again. I thought it was like being in the army!

@UserOfManyMonickers

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

The issue is, he has to want to do the activities, yes I understand your perspectives and frustrations, but at the same time, he's better where he's suited rather than not enjoying the activities.

Leave him be.

YANBU to put some sort of limit on his screen time. Let him be bored and find something he wants to do off a screen.
I wouldn't force him to a camp

@ofwarren

You say he's in environmental club at school, couldn't he do something based on that? Gardening, growing his own food, get him some chickens? With an autistic person it's much easier to expand on what interests they already have, rather than try and force something they hate.

This! It sounds like the OP is focused on exercise vs. when they really want more variety and activities. What does he do in this club? Can you find some activities that compliment this? Litter cleanups, pamphlet drops, urban gardening, empty lot clean ups, something else?

Not sure if you have these, in the US there are programs to ‘adopt a road’ basically your group adopts a stretch of road, once a week/month your group goes out and bags litter, then someone comes behind and removes the bags.

How about geocaching as a way to get him outdoors. If he’s an introvert I expect socialising at school is enough.

DH was like this at the same age. Didn’t want to be with other boys, thought they were all idiots etc.
He was made to go on a scout camp. Even now, 40 years later he will still say it was dreadful. It left him scared.
Don’t make him do stuff that he doesn’t want to do because it doesn’t fit your world view.

@DarkCorner

Interesting as my DS is nearly 10 and we have similar issues with cubs although he does tend to enjoy it once he’s there! I think at 11, I probably wouldn’t force it.

I try and get DS to do outdoors things at home that he enjoys (lighting little fires and cooking stuff generally!). We also go camping so that’s a bit of enforced outdoors time! I try and get him out once every day even if just to the local shop.

Darkcorner This seems like a sensible way to go about moving him away from the screen. Forcing a child to camp overnight for 2 nights is not.

Could something like geocaching appeal more to DS? I.e. a chance to use tech and solve puzzles/riddles while quietly getting a load of walking and exploring in.