To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

Wow @PinaColada123456 you are rude! This is a mum worried about her son trying to do her best!

@ilovesushi

Wow *@PinaColada123456* you are rude! This is a mum worried about her son trying to do her best!

I disagree, I think it’s what she needs to hear.

I had unpleasant flashbacks to my own childhood here OP.

My parents wanted me to go to youth camps, Guides, outdoorsy stuff that would get me active and make me a team player. They even wanted me to do cadets in school. I was an academic geek who pretty much only wanted to be left alone to read in my spare time. The fight I had with them over Guides was vicious and prolonged. I won it by refusing to take the Guides oath on the basis that I was an atheist and a republican, but in retrospect that was the start of the end of my relationship with my parents, because that was when I realised they only wanted me to be something I wasn't at all.

Funnily enough one of my closest friends now is a gay man who had a similar experience with Scouts. Very traditional, conservative family who wanted him to tick a lot of old-fashioned masculine boxes. He's also estranged from them now.

I wouldn't really worry about making 11-year-olds be active. I was extremely sedentary as a teenager and early 20-something, really hated sport and didn't see the point. In my 20s I discovered exercise and never looked back, and I'm fitter and sportier in my late 30s than ever. In retrospect my dislike of sports was down to 1) I hated all the girls on the sports teams at school, and they hated me, 2) PE is a phenomenally awful way to teach sports, mostly because there's no focus on the kids who actually need to be taught what to do.

Yes, exercise is important but people have to find their own ways to love it. Maybe an individual sport would be up his street - or just get him out for a run or a cycle, 10 minutes to start. That's how I got the bug.

I was very, very like your son when I was his age. Not with tech, because I'm old and it wasn't really much of a thing when I was a kid, but I just wanted to spend all my time reading, writing, drawing, watching weird films and generally obsessing over my various, largely sedentary, interests. I was very academic and very articulate. And I hated exercise and group activities. I insisted on ditching Guides when I was the same age as your son because I hated it, and I didn't replace it with any other extra curricular stuff. I just wanted to do my own thing instead. I also hated exercise (although I loved watching sports).

Please don't force your son to do activities that he hates because you think he needs fixing in some way. He's probably a textbook introvert and, after a day at school with his friends, really values time alone in the evenings to recharge his batteries. Scouts is great for some kids, but absolutely not for everyone. It's not enjoyable for him. You're expecting him to do a social activity that to him is a massive, miserable, draining, anxiety-inducing ordeal.

Regarding exercise, presumably he does PE at school. In an ideal world, yes, he'd be a bit more active in his spare time, but he's clearly someone who isn't going to thrive unless it happens naturally (which it might when he's older and has got the hang of his own height a bit more). But I speak from my own experience when I say that forcing a kid who hates exercise to do scheduled, organised exercise is a surefire way to put them off any kind of exercise for life. When I left school, I did pretty much zero exercise for the next 20 years and when I did start exercising in my late 30s, I struggled massively to overcome a huge mental block and anxiety about it because I was carrying so much psychological baggage from being nagged and pushed towards it when I was a kid.

It also really messed with my self-esteem because the fact that people saw my lack of sportiness and non-interest in social activities as a failing made me think there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. I used to wonder why I was so crap at those things and why I didn't like them like 'normal' kids did.

Your son is extremely clever, popular and friendly, and it sounds like he has a strong social conscience too and a respect for women and girls. Honestly, I would thank your lucky stars for him and stop focusing on his one flaw. No child is perfect.

Why would you try and force him? He is himself - respect him.

Too old to be forced into extra curricular stuff he doesn’t enjoy. DS chose to end cubs when it was about to switch over to scouts, he felt too old for it already at that age.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to get him off games and outside every so often though, I think that’s good for his health. Everyone needs to exercise and fresh air too.

Op, just for a bit of reassurance my husband was the child you have. Textbook computer nerd, learned coding himself as a child, never went out ect.

He is now a computer nerd who builds games and earns 80k a year. He is very introverted, but married to an extrovert that forces him to get out and about, we have lovely children to run after also.

My advice would be to stop worrying, don’t force scouts and buy him a computer coding textbook (thank you husbands mum for doing this!) instead.

I'm on the fence here. Sometimes it is nerves that stops them doing things and a little push helps. But I have the same issue with my DS and football, he never wants to go to training once he's there he's smiling and laughing.He'd stay home on his games too.

YABU. I get where you're coming from re exercise/getting outdoors etc, but pushing him into an activity he dislikes to the point of tears is cruel imo. Give the poor kid a break, there are other ways to encourage him to exercise and be outside more.

I would try and get him to do some exercise along the lines of a walk or swimming at the weekend, but if he's not into Scouts I definitely wouldn't push that. My son did Scouts for a bit but decided in the end it wasn't really his thing - particularly the sleepovers and camps - so he stopped going.

@carefullycourageous
Take him for a walk to buy an ice cream?!
Oh that’s really healthy that is!

@godmum56

Well he can’t be fit if he does no physical activity can he?!

Op says he can sit at a computer for hours and barely move. He will not be able to physically fit. Fitness comes from exercise.

There can be a weird view on here sometimes that someone can eat loads of junk and do zero exercise and so long as they are not overweight they can crack on. It’s bullshit. You can still be really unhealthy as a result of your lifestyle and not be overweight

Take him camping yourself. He may hate the idea but I bet he'd warm up to it. Our kids used to moan about us taking them camping and had every reason why we shouldn't go. Within about 30 minutes of us getting there and pitching the tent they'd be off riding their bikes/down by the lake/gathering wood for a fire etc. When it was time to leave we would get tears and pleading "could we not just stay for another day?" If we had gotten there and the kids were showing no signs of enjoying them selves we would have cut the trip short. If you send him away to camp he has no control over that.

Don't force him to go and socialise with a bunch of kids he has nothing in common with. It's a bit torturous.

My SIL pushed my nephew down a similar path. It backfired massively, he then started with school refusal.
He's ASD too.

It might not be healthy, but chances are this is how he will make his money one day. Would you want to be forced to socialise when you don't want to, and be overnight in a space you don't feel comfortable in?

Compromise. He doesn't have to go but go on a few walks over the weekend?

Accept the son you have, not the one you imagined you should have. He doesn't want to do scouts. Offer him the opportunity to do another sport, he might prefer a sport that attracts women more.

How did it go? My opinion is that he tried and didn't like it. Let him be him. This is quite normal for teens

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@godmum56

Well he can’t be fit if he does no physical activity can he?!

Op says he can sit at a computer for hours and barely move. He will not be able to physically fit. Fitness comes from exercise.

There can be a weird view on here sometimes that someone can eat loads of junk and do zero exercise and so long as they are not overweight they can crack on. It’s bullshit. You can still be really unhealthy as a result of your lifestyle and not be overweight[/quote]
we don't know whether he eats junk or not and I am assuming that her other two sons are not obese? All that we do know is that he spends more time on the computer than his mother thinks is right.....it used to be "nose in a book"...... I wonder if before that is was "poring over cave paintings and the parents tried to make them go and hunt dinosaurs?

I could get on board with making him do something outdoors or exercise wise. Go for walks together perhaps? Or anything he mildly enjoys?

But Scouts is a massive thing to make him do if he hates it. Especially the camp. That’s too much.

@godmum56

Again you’re missing the point! You don’t need to be obese to need exercise. Back in the days of caves and dinosaurs everyone got exercise by necessity as they had to hunt. The human body is designed for exercise, it needs it to keep it healthy.

I've read both your posts OP and I've skimmed some of this thread, so apologies if I've missed anything.
An overwhelming majority have voted that YABU. But your second post doesn't seem to acknowledge that you are considering changing your approach. At all. What you are doing now is not working and its making you and your son miserable.

The most alarming thing in your second post is that he was driven to removing the pedals from his bike in order to avoid bike rides. Maybe I am wrong but that sounds like he was trying to halt the endless nagging. You say it as an example of how you are facing an uphill battle and that he finds ingenious ways of defying you. But you are just not listening to him and it will get worse as he gets older unless you change your approach.

It's a prime example of using the stick instead of the carrot. I'm sorry but it sounds like you really need to lay off the nagging (stick) and think about expressing more approval of the things he actually does right (carrot) and try to encourage him without "forcing" him to do things because it is clear he is digging his heels in harder each time and is miserable.

What do you yourself do at the weekends for exercise? Were you sending him off on bike rides on his own? or were you inviting him out with you?
If he is interested in science, depending on where you live there are brief day trips he could go on at the weekends. That will involve plenty of walking and time away from the screen and he might get some enjoyment out of it too. You want to aim to foster an atmosphere where he can speak freely, without being disapproved of.

You complain he doesn't socialise but then say all his friends are girls as if that doesn't count. So he clearly does have friends in real life. Many girls are more mature at that age and probably afford him more interesting conversations. Some boys are incapable of speaking to girls. It sounds as though he can do that confidently. Why is that not a positive for you?

His teachers say he's lovely. Another positive. Why are you not giving him a huge pat on the back and raising his confidence by praising him for the good things he does do? Your posts read that you want him to 100 per cent excellent on every count, academically etc as well as being some kind of sporting alpha.

HE IS ONLY 11. Most 11 year olds can be shy and awkward and take time to find their feet. He will probably do that at secondary school.
You say he is highly intelligent and seems ahead of his age so start treating him like that.

"Glued to the computer".. they've just spent two years having lessons online. Its 2022 most of them communicate online or we'd all be telling them to stop putting up the phone bill. You say he's scientific
This is where he's learning his skills. Instead of that he's being punished with the removal of his internet password for not going to a two day camping trip with people he's already said he doesn't want to spend time with.

You are angry with him over the cost of the scout uniform. But he did what you wanted. He tried it and then told you that he really didn't like it. Most scouts let you get the uniform after a trial period. Most parents just sell it back to them. Just do that and stop telling him off for it. Buying the full uniform is down to you. Don't add it to the long list of things you don't like about him.

What you are forcing him to do would have been my idea of hell on earth at his age. It still would be now and I am 55. Too right I would have hated anyone who tried to force me.

OK, you have backed off on the camping, but now you are threatening him with changing of internet passwords if he chooses not to go. You are creating a no-win situation for him and seem to be trying to mould him into someone he isn't.

Let him be himself. Stop forcing scouts. Stop trying to force sports clubs or camps, they are clearly not his thing. I would encourage him to go out on the occasional walk with you (not every day) and stop for the odd treat afterwards, like calling at a coffee shop. Share family meals etc. to get a break from computer screens daily.

Honestly, unclench and stop pushing things he hates. He sounds like a lovely young person. Why make him hate you?

I don't think it's a massive red flag that he doesn't go out, plenty of teenagers don't, especially these days. Honestly, he does sound like a great lad who's doing really well and the OP should look at the positives instead of thinking of things he doesn't do. I do find it weird that she's determined to make him when she didn't with the others? How's that going to make him feel? I thought parents generally got less strict, the more dcs they have. Seems as if she's going the other way.
Be thankful your ds is doing well at school, you get glowing reports and his attendance is good! I can only dream of that with my ds (15) he's ASD we've recently had no end of stress because he was repeatedly leaving the school site halfway through the day, attendance officers and year heads were getting involved, in the end, we had to threaten to remove the internet (change password) for every time he does that. I've never had a good report or parents evening for him, he's predicted to fail or just scrape by some of his GCSES. It's not our parenting because my dd is the complete opposite, he just finds it so hard. He doesn't have any hobbies except his computer, he does have friends, but the ones he has are mostly similar to him. You should be rewarding and praising your son for doing so well! Not finding things he's not achieving at.

He sounds exactly like my son at that age. He got involved with a group of coders (Young Rewired state - which has since closed) and he found his 'people'. The difference in him when he found like-minded friends was night and day. May be worth having a look around to see if there is anything like that he can join?

My son now has a great job in Tech and a wide circle of good friends from the industry and is still in contact with some of the friends he made in YRS

He sounds a bit like me, and if my mother had forced me into a scout camp I don't think I would ever have forgiven her. I would have absolutely hated being with a bunch of boys in a tent for a weekend.