To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

@UserOfManyMonickers

Honestly we have tried getting him out. He had membership of our gym but would just sit on the treadmill on his phone. I’ve tried getting him out for walks but he’ll just walk with a face like a slapped arse not talking after arguing against it for a hour beforehand. He used to like bike rides but actually took the pedals off and hid them so he couldn’t ride it .

He’s on the Environmental Committee at school doing a project with Yr11s which he’s happy to do but won’t do any sporty clubs. He walks home from school (20mins) which is s small mercy I suppose. I can’t find any any science or computing clubs in my area.

He has lots of friends and is very popular but is only comfortable with girls and all his best friends are girls. He doesn’t like boys as he says they’re disgusting creatures and talk about stupid stuff (maybe due to his older brothers I suppose!). They are also very lazy and techy too. One is at Uni but hardly goes at he’s up all night playing games and talking shit to his mates. The other one has ASD but with a learning disability. I have wondered DS3 is on the opposite side of the ASD spectrum. He’s Sheldon to a tee! Really don’t want to think too much about that though at the moment though.

OK I’ve told him he’s doesn’t have to go but I will be changing the internet password. His brother has lectured him saying he regrets that he didn’t keep going. He’s now considering his options.

Do not change the internet password. That's just petty.

"Ok I think I may be wrong but I'm going to punish you anyway"

I accept your point about exercise and lifestyle but as a parent the onus is on you to find a way to integrate this into his life that he can engage with.

You say he's in environmental club at school, couldn't he do something based on that? Gardening, growing his own food, get him some chickens? With an autistic person it's much easier to expand on what interests they already have, rather than try and force something they hate.

No to clubs and awkward social situations.

Yes to exercise. Perhaps he would enjoy a sport which is not played in a group, but done alone and in a competition with self / thinking / challenging / developing own technique kind. Eg, running, skiing, swimming, cycling, rock climbing, mountaineering, golf.

I get you feel like you are doing it for his benefit but I feel in this instance it's not , your actually doing the opposite .
It's a worry for all of us about our kids not getting enough exercise. . He must do some at school , does he walk there ? Or get public transport . I'm sure he will find things he enjoys as he grows . I used to hate any outdoors sports and exercise as a kid . However now run twice a week and live my gym classes . It will come in time if he wants it to .

He’s too old to be dragged to a club he hates. It’s irrelevant you bought all the kit, that was your decision not his.

If he’s into science and coding etc he won’t fitnin at scouts and will probably just end up getting picked on.

For exercise I’d suggest things more like rock climbing, athletics, swimming. For social group maybe look for a good drama group or coding club. He’s going to find stuff boring if there isn’t an intellectual element, he’s obviously extremely bright but that does make it hard to find his crowd (because most people are dumb 😱).

It’s not about exercise. It’s about what you ‘think’ he should be doing. You are attempting something very reasonable but going about it in the wrong way.

Compromise - he can gladly quit scouts if he alternates it with something physical. This can be walking to school, taking the dog for a walk, something mundane or would he have a genuine interest in something else? Would he try indoor climbing? Quad biking? Geo Cacheing?

As for socialising… invite his friends round for a gaming session, is there an arcade in town they could try? Cinema etc?

Just because he isn’t out frolicking doesn’t mean he can’t socialise/be healthy. I love the outdoors and socialising as an adult but at his age that would be torture.

Sorry op should have read whole thread before posting !

Ahhh this was me as a kid, I'm autistic!

But with me so I ever wanted to do was read books (still read all the time now).

My parents signed me up to all sorts that I didn't want to do, guides, dancing, gymnastics. I hated it all. I didn't choose to do any physical activity whatsoever until I found yoga in my 30s - which is great because you don't have to do anything as a team or speak to people

Please don't push him to do things he hates. My parents used to tell me I was wasting their money refusing to do things they'd signed me up to - I didn't ask to do them and didn't want to! I couldn't wait to leave my hometown at 18 for uni and never moved back. I think my parents are sad that I'm not what they'd expected or hoped for as a child, I never wanted to do normal child things. But all it did was make me distance myself from them.

I get that you think you're trying to do the best for him, but you can't force him to be something he's not. Maybe he has ASD too.

Your DC sounds like a dream compare to my DS, just let him be.

Bloody hell, OP! Having read all your posts I’m starting to resent you and you have no impact on my life at all.

Let your son be himself.

I’ve never forced my kids to socialise. Eldest and youngest just never interested after rainbows type age in any clubs. My middle child has loved clubs, he’s more social than the other two. My youngest is very shy, eldest just not into clubs. Everyone is different, forcing socialisation just won’t help overall. Maybe get him to join an online coding group or similar

I wouldn't.

A school trip, I'd really encourage him. But not a scout trip with kids he barely knows. (Bitter experience of my kids going on crap scout trip).

I wonder if he may like something like taekwondo if he doesn't like other types of sport. I am not really sure why having allowed his brothers to give up you don't allow him too as well. Also just because his brother now regrets it doesn't mean he will.

At school he will be participating in PE/games anyway so I am sure he is getting some exercise as well as walking too and from school.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole. Learn to appreciate the round peg you have.

Exactly this.

If you're wanting to alienate yourself from your son, you're going the right way about it.
He's not an outdoorsey type kid. Why force Scouts on him? He sounds intellectually gifted, so he's not interested in the mediocre stuff. Think of something you really don't like, then imagine your mum making you do it..

There is nothing wrong with being a Sheldon or an Amy type. We grow up and get to chart our own paths away from the mainstream and are happy and often extremely successful. Getting to university helps immensely because there are more of us together and then we tend to be drawn towards careers that require investigative brains and advanced degrees so that makes it easier to meet one another. We find partners and together raise amazing children. We may not be the majority, but I personally wouldn’t want to be anyone but myself. Childhood was hard, but that is because adults who didn’t understand made it hard. It didn’t have to be that way.

I was exactly the same, hated playing out & was happier sat in my bedroom reading a book. My parents forced me to go to guide camp, I hated it & stopped going to guides afterwards. I wasn't diagnosed with Autism until I was 53.

I think you should let him be the person he is. He is not an outdoors scouts type so why should he be made to participate in this?

Just let him be - it's not his thing.

Apologies I meant it more of a commitment thing.

Make the most of him loving his programming and science-y stuff now.he will build up a valuable base of knowledge that will serve him well when the teen hormones strike. Kind of like acquiring muscle memory for the 🧠

DS is 31, was always like this, and is still like this.

Let him be who he is FGS, don't you love and celebrate him as he is?

One day, having yet again been told off for not watching the House Football Match, he said to his teacher "why should I watch them playing cretinous, pointless football? Nobody watches me do the maths olympiad!" I've never been more proud of him.

Don't make him!

Tell him you'd like him to get out more and find something he's happy to do.

He's old enough and intelligent enough to know that health and exercise are important. So it's time for a deal.

Make it clear that you've listened and understood that scouts is not his thing. That's okay. But if he's not doing that, he needs to commit to at least one regular form of exercise/club and to come along on 50% of family walks/outings/whatever it is that you're wanting him to look up from his screen for (and without sulking all the way around).