To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

I'd not let him sit in front of a computer all day every day. It's addictive and not healthy. It's taking away normal interactions. Humans need interactions whether some want to label themselves as introverts or not.

I don't think I'd force him to go to the camp but I'd say no computer for the weekend. In fact I'd hang up screen time and make him be active member of the family or go out and socialise/sport before screen time all of the time!

Unreasonable to force him on a cAmp.

Not unreasonable to limit screen time so he has to find other stuff to occupy himself.

My ds is also the same and an amazing coder. He is autistic and doesn't do going out. It's just not his thing.

However he's a swimmer. He spends 19 hours a week training so I'm relaxed on his screen time stuff apart from the odd curfew. He found his other stuff by me limiting screen time at that age. He's 17 now.

YANBU
I would have missed out on some amazing stuff if my parents had just let me strop and stay at home. Sometimes parents know best? It’s not going off to war it’s an overnight camp.

I think our sons dropped cubs at that age.

Don't force him, it's really not fair.

Please don't make him go. Its clearly not his thing. You need to work with him to find some exercise he does like doing.

OP, your son sounds just like my niece. Her parents (my sister and her Husband) made her go on a school residential trip that she REALLY didn’t want to go on but they thought it would be good for her to try some new things, get to know her classmates, make new friends etc, and they were sure she’d enjoy it once she got there. However, my niece is as stubborn as they come - she was determined not to enjoy it, and apparently barely spoke, didn’t eat anything, wash herself, or change her clothes for the two days she was away! I also remember going on a school trip abroad that I didn’t want to go on - none of my friends were going and all I remember about it is feeling so lonely and homesick the whole time. We all have to do things we don’t want to do at some point but is that a lesson your son needs to learn right now?

And my son is very much a Sheldon cooper type personality too!

As a slight aside, any chance he’s gay op? My DS’ friends are all girls and he hates anything with gangs of lads. He did Cubs (his choice) but dropped it for Scouts as it was all getting a bit too laddy.

In terms of this weekend I think yabu. You put him in the group, you booked the weekend away, you spent the money. Not your DS’ fault you’d be out of pocket. Does he have good role models for exercise, are you an active family?

Perfectly reasonable to require a sport or exercise and limit screen time.

Scouts isn't for everyone, though. I wouldn't force this.

What is a Sheldon Cooper type and why would Op worry about it?

YABU for the not so stealth boasting!

There is no 'other side of the spectrum' - if you think he may be autistic, get an assessment and see what his needs actually are.

My 11yo DS is autistic and extremely intelligent. He hasn't done group sports for years. Never in a million years would I think scouts / sports group would be right for him and his needs. He does a social club based around technology so common ground and does 1:1 exercise with a trusted coach (mainly pool and sea swimming) as it benefits his sensory system mainly and he can see the benefit. Otherwise, I leave him alone to embrace the amazing boy he is in the solitude he loves!

I cracked a wry smile when I read this post, OP. I was exactly the same as your boy. My Dad despaired. He even wrote me a letter (yes really) telling me I should get off the computer and get outside like normal kids.
20+ years later and the computing skills I learned ahead of my peers stood me in very good stead. I completed a science based PhD a decade ago and work in a career I love.
Better than doing something I didn't like just because it was outdoors!

The more you push the more he will hate it. I'd let him quit scouts now, but try to get his ideas for something else he might like instead.

I think you're fighting the wrong battle here. This is not the hill to die on.

On the other hand, I think it's perfectly reasonable to limit screentime and make it conditional on doing one active club (of his choice) during the week and coming on one family activity (bike ride, walk) each weekend. He doesn't participate, internet goes off. If he's bored, he can help around the house - that might be enough to get him out of it!

Why are you punishing him by changing the wifi password because he doesn't want to go? Punishing him for asserting his boundaries? That's just spiteful. And it's got nothing to do with your older kid. He has his chance. Tell him to leave his brother alone. Sounds like the whole family is getting on at this poor boy.

Doesn't children need to learn we all have yo do things we don't want to do sometimes. I think it would hold him in good stead for adulthood.

@UserOfManyMonickers

I’m coming it at from a health and exercise point of view. He can sit for bloody hours at the computer on weekends without moving. it’s not healthy!

Do you make yourself do things in groups thst you don't want to do. We have a local over 50s netball team. If someone decided I should join ,because its healthy, I would react in the same way as your son.

Exercise is different form group camping.

Can't you go for walks, bike rides, runs together?

Doesn't children need to learn we all have yo do things we don't want to do sometimes. I think it would hold him in good stead for adulthood

Do you do activities you vehemently don't want to do? Or do you say "no i really hate playing tennis/basketball/bobsled, i'll give it a miss".

I wouldn't make myself do a sport i hated. Id do something else instead. That's the beauty of being an adult.

@Joinedforthis2021

Doesn't children need to learn we all have yo do things we don't want to do sometimes. I think it would hold him in good stead for adulthood.

I think the main thing he will learn from it would be how not to parent.

Anyway I think you are right OP to change your position and right to ask him what he would choose to do for exercise, but go easy on withholding WiFi so he doesn’t see it as a punishment for not going to the camp.

I also don’t understand why you’d bury your head in the sand about him being possibly autistic. I’d say there was a strong probability, and knowing this may help you to know him better and avoid missteps like this.

I think you need to separate out the issues here. You’re concerned about exercise but you’re actually focusing on Scouts which is far more social than exercise.

You want him to do some exercise - so tell him that it is going to be required and work with him to identify what he would hate the least. A 20 min jog round the park with headphones on may suit him, for example. Even an exercise video. Stuff he can do on his own. You can make ‘moving your body around’ mandatory with privileges removed for not doing so but you do have to help him figure out what he hates the least. It sounds as though group and team activities are not his thing.

Oh no

I couldn’t imagine forcing my child to do anything they do detested the idea of. I wouldn’t even force my child to school if they hated it that badly.

No no no. Exercise can happen without scouts.

He sounds exactly like my ds who's 9 and has Asd. He hates going out. I encourage him but I'd not force him to do this, it sounds too much and too far out of his comfort zone. He likes what he likes!

No, you should not make him. He clearly doesn’t like it. However, I would ask him what sport he is taking up instead as it’s not acceptable to do nothing from a physical activity point of view. He needs daily exercise.