To Make DS do something he vehemently doesn’t want to?

[UserOfManyMonickers]

So DS (11) is a complete tech addict. It’s good in one way as he can write his own code and watches a lot of science based stuff. He can tell you all about Nuclear Fusion if you’re interested!

He’s doing excellently at secondary school. In fact I’ve had calls from teachers telling what a pleasure he is to teach and how he’s acing everything. One teacher told me this this week. he’s never taught anybody like him (not a stealth boast but background!).

BUT he won’t go out. He’s not interested in meet-up with friends. Won’t do any excercise, he’s 5ft 8 and reasonably slim so not overweight. He just doesn’t want to exert himself, waste of energy!

Anyway I enrolled him in Scouts last year as a way to do stuff outdoors. He was OK initially but said it was quite boring and the other boys are immature and doesn’t seem to have made friends there. He’s always on the periphery.

For the last few weeks he has insisted he’s not doing it. I’ve said he is.

He has a 2 night camp tomorrow and lots more over the rest of the year. I’ve shelled out a lot for kit and he’s just had a massive tantrum that he’s not going. Tears, shouting everything. He hates me.

WIBU to force him?

My older boys were similar and I gave up with making them do stuff like this. I’m don’t want to do the same with him!

Gosh, you’re all lovely mums!
OP I’d send him, as you’ve said you’ve spent money on kit etc. And if nothing else he’ll get a weekend’s fresh air. If he really want to, he can then give up.

I don't accept all these "don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole" comments. He can be great at technology without sitting indoors all day staring at a screen at the age of 11. It is not healthy, it is addictive, and the more he withdraws from human interaction the more difficult it will get. Scouts would have been an easy way out for you if he liked it, but since he doesn't I'm afraid you will have to work harder to limit his computer time.

Encouraging exercise and socialising is different to dictating what that should be. Forcing him into something specific like scouts when he doesn’t like it or fit in is exactly hammering a square peg into a round hole. There are many, many other options for active living.

Also incredibly unfair to force it on him when you didn't force his siblings,.

Honestly we have tried getting him out. He had membership of our gym but would just sit on the treadmill on his phone. I’ve tried getting him out for walks but he’ll just walk with a face like a slapped arse not talking after arguing against it for a hour beforehand. He used to like bike rides but actually took the pedals off and hid them so he couldn’t ride it .

He’s on the Environmental Committee at school doing a project with Yr11s which he’s happy to do but won’t do any sporty clubs. He walks home from school (20mins) which is s small mercy I suppose. I can’t find any any science or computing clubs in my area.

He has lots of friends and is very popular but is only comfortable with girls and all his best friends are girls. He doesn’t like boys as he says they’re disgusting creatures and talk about stupid stuff (maybe due to his older brothers I suppose!). They are also very lazy and techy too. One is at Uni but hardly goes at he’s up all night playing games and talking shit to his mates. The other one has ASD but with a learning disability. I have wondered DS3 is on the opposite side of the ASD spectrum. He’s Sheldon to a tee! Really don’t want to think too much about that though at the moment though.

OK I’ve told him he’s doesn’t have to go but I will be changing the internet password. His brother has lectured him saying he regrets that he didn’t keep going. He’s now considering his options.

yabu of yabus. If you want him to do exercise then negotiate walks with you for screen time. Did your two older boys not turn out ok?

I have an autistic teenager who I persuaded to do beavers but HATED overnights and then cubs.

I got a dog and I make him come out for a walk with me and the dog every weekend for an hour. And that's it. It's a compromise that works for us.

If you want him to get outside and get some fresh air, go with him. Don't outsource it to something he hates.

I'm 47. Work full time. I do force myself to the gym etc. Socialise occasionally. But I am glued to my phone a lot of the time as much as my kids who are 12 and 14.

Our kids go to school. Probably walk more getting there and back than some of us move in a day. Interact with many many more people than we ever did (ten form per year at DSs secondary)...

What's the point of ripping out children away from their virtual comfort in their down time and trying to fling them into the 1980s? Even we don't live there any more.

But now you’re punishing him by changing the password - here’s a group I’ve made you go to that you don’t like and I’ve finally listened to you and accepted you don’t want to go…..so now I will punish you by changing the internet.
I don’t mean to be rude but your going to give this poor lad problems and negative memories of not only his childhood but you. He sounds like a lovely boy, lots of interests and lots going for him so let him be even if he doesn’t want to do what you think He ought to be doing

Don't force him to. Sounds like he hates it, not you.

Is it possible that he is autistic or aspergers?

You can insist he find some physical activity and some social activity, but you shouldn’t insist it be Scouts. Kids like him tend to be drawn to things like Rock climbing and archery for sport or maybe a yoga class. He might also enjoy a chess or robotics club. Or perhaps none of those things, but You should be finding things that match his interests and personality.

TLDR: let your geeky, quirky kids be geeky, quirky kids. They can still be physically fit. Just stop forcing them into mainstream activities. They will be so much happier and healthier.

My DC said to be that they hate going to an event but when they are there they’re actually glad they went

Do his friends attend any clubs? Perhaps he could join those? If he prefers the company of girls then I think scouts is probably quite intimidating for him.
It sounds like he's doing great, he's sociable at school and is obviously confident enough to participate in lessons, I would leave him be.
Although, I would probably say he either joins a club of his choice and attend regularly or he must exercise with you. Maybe geocaching would make walking more enjoyable? Or using a compass and map?

Sorry just read your last update.

He’s Sheldon to a tee! Really don’t want to think too much about that though at the moment though.

Erm... I think it's maybe time to think about that.

Why are you saying he doesn't have to go, then punishing him by changing the Internet password?

OK I’ve told him he’s doesn’t have to go but I will be changing the internet password. His brother has lectured him saying he regrets that he didn’t keep going. He’s now considering his options.

Ok. Now you're just being vindictive. Strongarming him into having a miserable time isn't going to help him. Why are you so set on forcing him into going to Scouts? You're also going back on your word, telling him that he doesn't have to go on one hand while doing everything you can to make him.

Don’t make him. He hates the idea. My Mum always did this and I never once ended up enjoying the activity she’d made me do.

No don't make him. There will be something he does like - horse riding, kayaking, climbing wall, paint balling, weekend hiking, geocaching? You can make him keep experimenting but at 11 I don't think you can keep making him do something he hates. Scouts is def not for everyone.

Don't sweat the small stuff. At least you know where he is!!

It will pass.

What about an indoor activity eg bowling, climbing wall, laser tag, walking round a shopping centre?

But now you’re punishing him by changing the password

She's not punishing him. She is removing the option for an 11 year old child to spend the entire weekend glued to a computer. She is making clear that if he drops other activities he can't substitute more screen time.

He’s Sheldon to a tee! Really don’t want to think too much about that though at the moment though.

Why is it you won’t think about this?

YABU. He doesn't want to do it, and if you force him into these activities, he will just dislike them even more. If you've shelled out loads of money for activities that he never wanted to do in the first place, then that is your fault.

No don't force him, he'll be miserable and resent you for it and it won't achieve anything.
If your goal is to get him outside and moving about then work out a plan with him. Look for quirky and unusual sports and hobbies that might just pique his interest but make sure he feels in control of the process.

You have to parent the child you've got.

You've got one who doesn't like the outdoors/camping.

Put the energy you're wasting on this towards helping him be the best version of himself.

Exercise and fresh air is important. I'd encourage this by making his chores ones that are outside of the house (walk to the shop/drycleaners/post office, help in the garden, help to wash the car etc.). Don't draw attention to the being outside/exercise part.

If he doesn't particularly get on with the other lads and has no friends in the group he is going to be miserable on the camp. Why do you want that for him?

My son is the same, would happily stay in all the time.
We have tried the gym, various clubs, learning instruments and none have lasted long term but that’s him, that’s his quiet and homely personality.
I’m quite similar and my brother is his carbon copy.
It may change in the future but for now he is happy.

Jesus. Leave the poor boy alone! He is doing well at school. Don't force him on a trip! Just get a basketball hoop put up, or take him to clip and climb or go swimming or a walk together.