Asking a friend back for the money I lent her

[Hazbot]

I lent my friend £1000 last March to help with her debts that her husband didn’t know about. She was saying at the time that it was causing her great anxiety and stress and didn’t know how to pay it off as he wanted to buy a house soon.

She had already borrowed money from her husband’s friend and had a payment plan to pay that money back and so this was £1000 that her husband didn’t know about.

We never wrote a formal payment plan back and I did believe that she had every intention to pay it back.

Fast forward to august where we had a huge fall out because she thought I was flirting with her husband. We eventually made up where she apologised because she was extremely drunk but our relationship has never been the same since.

She’s mentioned a few times about paying it back but nothing ever materialises.

During all this, she has tried to move house, gone through 2 bouts of IVF and has her dad repeatedly in hospital so I know she’s going through it.

But I’m wondering how I can ask her if she has a payment plan for the £1000 I lent her and when the best time to ask her.

She’s currently going through ivf again and so I know it’s stressful for her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I think if you haven't directly asked for it back its not on her priority to repay. If you ask for it then it's more formal, maybe she will pay it back but £1000 is an awful lot not to be repaid even if it is installments of a low amount.

I had this but a much lower amount-that I couldn’t afford to lose
She got the notes in her grubby mitts,fucked off on holiday and got pregnant
She’s gone on to have the baby and does her best to avoid me if she sees me
I’ve had to write it off

@FangsForTheMemory

Are you sure she didn't engineer the row in order not to have to pay you back?

I think you've seen the last of your money tbh.

Yes, this occurred to me, too

All these people borrowing money have credit issues presumably, otherwise they would get an overdraft or borrow it from a bank surely, interest rates are very low right now. That is why I do not believe it when people say they are stuck and I am the only person in the whole wide world that can help them out. Nope.

I would not see anyone hungry or without heat though. So a so called friend asked me for 600 quid to tide her over. I asked what she needed it for, she said bills and food. OK I said, give me the account details for the gas and electric and I'll pay them. Oh and write me a list of food you need and I'll get it delivered from Tesco for you.

Ah no, she said, thanks all the same but the cash will be fine. No I said I do not give cash to anyone but I'll help you out with the bills. I need the cash she said. OK, but if I pay for your bills this month you will have the cash that you would have spent on them. Silence.

Turns out said "friend" was using cash from all angles to fund visits to her toyboy love rat in Turkey. I know, I know. We are both the same age, she is single no kids like me but intended to fund her lifestyle through me. I doubt I would ever have got the cash back. At least if I paid bills etc. I would have been happy to help.

She saw that I saw that she was a No. 1 chancer. We are no longer friends.

I am not perfect, I have many faults and failings, but am usually a good judge of character when it comes down to things like this.

You will only know if you actually ask for the money back!!

Send her a text saying you need the money back as times are tough and would it be easier if she paid in installments of 2x £500 or if its hard then 5 x £200. Then see how she responds.

Text her DH and tell him you lent her £1k and you really need it back but you are aware she is going through IVF and you dont want to stress or upset her, so you thought it would be better to ask him, to protect her.

And dont ask her and dont warn her you are doing it.

Slightly surprised at people a attitudes here. In the last year I’ve lent two good friends £1000 each , one paid it back within weeks as arranged, the other is up to date with her payment plan. I asked her to make sure she kept records of what her debt was as I don’t want to have to keep tabs on it, and she sends me updates.
I’m surprised people are anti helping a friend in need.

Exactly the same thing happened to my DP. He lent her horrible brother and SIL 5k with a repayment plan. After a couple of months they manufactured a falling out with him and haven't spoken to us now for 5 years. Refuse to discuss the repayment. They really are vile, toxic people so whilst the loss of money was a bitter pill, not having to speak to them is a massive bounus.

Anyone ballsy enough to borrow money of two people while not telling her husband is no way going to pay it back. I hope you can afford to write it off.

Nah. I reckon her husband was in on it.

Another one saying Don’t write it off! She’s no friend of yours so you may as well kiss goodbye to the “friendship” and be £1000 richer by going through the small claims court.

£1k would be too much for me to be able to write off, but that may not be your situation.

I’d ask for a really manageable amount to start with, like £20 a month, asking if it could increase after a year.

I have a friend I lent money to, keeping it secret from their spouse. They’re paying it back now. If they default, my plan is to go straight to their spouse. After that, I’ll go to small claims.

If you have it in writing either in text or whatever and proof you sent the money. Tell her you want it back (and when you want the first payment). If she makes no attempt to pay it back take her to county court you can file this online on the money claim website it costs £30 and takes 5 minutes. Surely you don't want to keep a friendship like this anyway!

If she's got money for IVF, she's got money to pay you back - she's playing you for a fool & taking the piss!! Just ask. Bluntly. And let her know you expect the full £1000 ASAP. The time for gentle, polite reminders has long gone!

Offer her a choice; is she going to repay the money, or should you ask her husband?

@Ohyesiam

Slightly surprised at people a attitudes here. In the last year I’ve lent two good friends £1000 each , one paid it back within weeks as arranged, the other is up to date with her payment plan. I asked her to make sure she kept records of what her debt was as I don’t want to have to keep tabs on it, and she sends me updates. I’m surprised people are anti helping a friend in need.

The big question is why couldn't they get an overdraft or otherwise borrow from a commercial lender.

Banks are all set up to lend money and they have proper credit-control systems in place to recover the money if they're not being paid as agreed. And they have a big incentive to lend, because it's their business and how they make money. If, despite all that, the bank won't lend money (essentially because they think they won't get it back) then what chance has the average (slightly gullible and emotionally blackmailed) friend?

I would definitely ask her but I agree you probably won't see that money again. No matter what she is going through it's still not on and £1000 is a lot of money!

Unfortunately I think that money is gone one way or another, if you were a bank you probably would not have loaned it to her because she was always going to be high risk with that track record. If you want to keep on good terms with her I recommend you turn it into a gift, and just keep a healthy distance from her generally as it sounds like the friendship might be a bit of a one way street. Better to at least have the social benefit of your generosity I think rather than it being a reason you avoid each other in future. Who knows? If you’re really stuck for money in future, maybe she will return the favour, wouldn’t count on it though

Is this real? Is anyone really this stupid? Your money's gone... think of it as a gullibility tax.

You’re never getting that back

I lent someone a similar amount I doubt I’ll ever see again. She had left her abusive, drug addict husband, and made some stupid life decisions that followed her. The money I ‘lent’ her (which I could easily afford at the time) got her back on her feet and she’s working and has her life together now. She’ll never pay me back - she’s really only just standing on her own two feet as it is. As much as I’m now the one who’s broke, and I could really do it with it right now, I don’t regret it. She doesn’t have it and I’m still in a more privileged position than she is, let alone than she was, and we’ll be ok in the end. It was money well spent, even if it wasn’t well lent.

Just bring it up, tell her you’re struggling right now and need the money. Keep reminding her to set up a payment plan. I wouldn’t let her off the hook. She definitely engineered that argument to get out of repaying you.

Never lend money again that you can’t afford to / don’t want to lose.

Banks are all set up to lend money and they have proper credit-control systems in place to recover the money if they're not being paid as agreed. And they have a big incentive to lend, because it's their business and how they make money. If, despite all that, the bank won't lend money (essentially because they think they won't get it back) then what chance has the average (slightly gullible and emotionally blackmailed) friend?

Some people do slip through the cracks with the banks, through no fault of their own, though. Look at how many people are turned down for mortgages that the bank deems 'unaffordable' for them - even when they can prove that they've consistently made significantly higher payments every month for their existing mortgage or rent for many years.

Thinking back to the parallel with the other recent thread, about getting ID'd to buy alcohol at the age of 35, you would assume that shops that sell alcohol would actively want to shift as much stock as they can to customers of a legal age who are wanting to buy it; but it appears that many of them, too, are extremely keen to turn away huge amounts of obviously legitimate and risk-free custom.

Write it off and tell her husband

It’s a tough lesson but I think you’ll struggle to get that back. My dad told me never to lend money to anyone that I needed back. So I have always loaned thinking it was gone. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that money has always come back to me but if it hadn’t thats ok too.

Friendship wise though is she really a friend worth keeping? Accusing you of hitting on her husband is pretty harsh.