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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking a friend back for the money I lent her

192 replies

Hazbot · 24/03/2022 16:47

I lent my friend £1000 last March to help with her debts that her husband didn’t know about. She was saying at the time that it was causing her great anxiety and stress and didn’t know how to pay it off as he wanted to buy a house soon.

She had already borrowed money from her husband’s friend and had a payment plan to pay that money back and so this was £1000 that her husband didn’t know about.

We never wrote a formal payment plan back and I did believe that she had every intention to pay it back.

Fast forward to august where we had a huge fall out because she thought I was flirting with her husband. We eventually made up where she apologised because she was extremely drunk but our relationship has never been the same since.

She’s mentioned a few times about paying it back but nothing ever materialises.

During all this, she has tried to move house, gone through 2 bouts of IVF and has her dad repeatedly in hospital so I know she’s going through it.

But I’m wondering how I can ask her if she has a payment plan for the £1000 I lent her and when the best time to ask her.

She’s currently going through ivf again and so I know it’s stressful for her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
GraceandMolly · 24/03/2022 17:18

You won’t see the money or friend again.

BanjoKnockers · 24/03/2022 17:19

I'm less fatalstic then everyone else. Is there any evidence of the loan? Text messages referring to it, even after it was made?

If so a small-claims-court action is very straightforward. You would certainly (as certain as litigation ever can be) get "judgment" against her. Enforcing that judgment would then be your next challenge, but it may be doable.

1forAll74 · 24/03/2022 17:21

is it not possible to ask her straight out about the money situation, it is within your rights to do this, You need to know one way or the other, what is happening about the loan.

Original poster
Hazbot · 24/03/2022 17:27

I do have evidence of the bank transfer and plenty of messages from her previously where she has said that she will pay it back. She’s also suggested a payment plan about june last year.

I’ve never directly asked her for it back as she has said on a few occasions that she will pay it back and so I thought that would do it.

I think lesson learnt really!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/03/2022 17:31

Yeh I’d write it off- too much to write off then too much to have lent. Why you would think someone so bad with money could be trusted a loan is beyond me. Sorry OP

Scandisaurus22 · 24/03/2022 17:33

There is no way I would write this off, or let her get away with it. Why should you? I’d tell her dh.

OakRowan · 24/03/2022 17:34

I wonder how many other people she borrows money off.

TheEdgeOfTheWorld · 24/03/2022 17:35

Unless you are really, really well off, you can't write off £1,000 and not have it sour the relationship. So you may as well ask her for it.

How much are you in contact with her now?

If it wouldn't be unusual to go for a coffee with her, just invite her out and after you've got the coffees sit down and say, "Hey, it's been a year since I leant you that money. I was hoping we could discuss a repayment plan." and see where it goes.

If you aren't talking much right now then a straight up email or text, ideally with a very short lead in about needing to get your own finances back on track or similar (if that would be believable) and asking her if she can arrange to pay £100/month (or £50 or whatever you think is likely to be manageable - but keep to the high side as she might negotiate it down but she isn't going to offer more).

If asking for her to arrange a payment plan ruins your friendship it is no friendship at all.

Scbchl · 24/03/2022 17:37

Id just message her and say "Hey its been a year since I loaned you that 1k, have you got it to pay back now? Happy to arrange a payment plan if need be if it would be too awkward paying it in a lump sum if x still doesn't know about it, but I do really need it repaid and hoped it would of been by now as never thought it would of taken this long."

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 24/03/2022 17:37

You have no more to loose and £1000 to get back. It can't hurt to send a direct (blunt) text msg/WhatsApp to her asking for a payment of x per month. If you get excuses or ignored I would copy in her husband so he's aware of what situation she's put you and probably others in.

LostFrog · 24/03/2022 17:38

I lent a friend £1000 to be able to get away from an abusive partner. There is no way she will be able to pay me back - she has also had to leave her job recently due to stress and mental health issues. We recently agreed that she could pay it back by walking our dog when we are at work and having him weekends sometimes. She was over the moon, and I don’t have to worry about strangers coming in the house.

In your situation though, where you have fallen out, I think you can ask but it’s likely you won’t see that money again.

Riverlee · 24/03/2022 17:40

“ Email her or text saying that it’s been quite a while since you lent her that 1k and you do now need the money back. Suggest a monthly amount (£100?) and include your bank details.

Then be prepared for her to come in with excuses and promises she can’t keep. Just persist and say you need a regular payment set up. She may well have borrowed from other people and will be repaying those who are shouting the loudest.”

Good advice. I think the tone for taking a softly, softly approach has passed. You’ve given her time and opportunity to take the initiative to pay up. Now is the time to be proactive. Maybe even a reason for needing the money - holiday, unexpected car bill etc.

TheEdgeOfTheWorld · 24/03/2022 17:41

Why ask gently? If you haven’t actually asked her directly after all this time then you are being a bit unreasonable because she’s obviously hoping this will continue and she’s kidding herself you don’t need it.

Email her or text saying that it’s been quite a while since you lent her that 1k and you do now need the money back. Suggest a monthly amount (£100?) and include your bank details.

Then be prepared for her to come in with excuses and promises she can’t keep. Just persist and say you need a regular payment set up. She may well have borrowed from other people and will be repaying those who are shouting the loudest.

DH recently got back the money he lent a friend 3 years ago for ‘literally a few days’.

^^ This from MatildaTheCat is the best advice on here. If she gets nasty or blanks you then you can turn to small claims court.

TracyMosby · 24/03/2022 17:44

She’s also suggested a payment plan about june last year
So what happened?

Id send the message saying that

following on from previous messages, I need your repayments for the loan to start on the first of next month (April) and the first of each month thereafter.

Dont be wishy-washy ffs. Its been a year!

Tibtab · 24/03/2022 17:45

Google “letter before action” and “small claims court”. However if you take legal action you need to accept that the friendship is dead.

Tigertigertigertiger · 24/03/2022 17:46

Do not write off the money !

MintyChops · 24/03/2022 17:47

Definitely ask her for it back. As others have said, if she makes it awkward or it ruins the friendship she wasn’t much of a friend to begin with. Since you have proof I would then follow up with the small claims court.

Shiteshow100 · 24/03/2022 17:47

I'd send her and her husband the same message or letter asking for the money back or an installment plan outlining amount and dates. It'd be useful to to include bank details for payments. Advise that it is notice and say you will go to small claims court. Verbal agreements do stand especially if you have texts saying about it and she is saying she will repay it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/03/2022 17:48

She has lied to her Dh about her debts.

Already borrowed money off someone else (I doubt she paid this pback either).

I think you were daft to lend it to her but kind I suppose.

Ask her directly what her plans are for paying it back, so that you have given her that opportunity. But in reality I don't think you'll see a penny and she'll probably also engineer another opportunity to fall out with you... my bet is on, "I can't believe you'd ask me that when you know I'm having IVF...".

Sorry, but she is a user and she has used you. You can also take her to court as you have proof of the transfer, but would it really be worth your time and energy?

BlueOverYellow · 24/03/2022 17:50

She's not your friend. Friends don't do this to friends.

Ask her for the money. If she doesn't start paying it back immediately, take her to small claims. £1k is a lot of money.

Teaforme123 · 24/03/2022 17:54

No don't write it off. Ask her if she's able to start installments. See what her response is. Then keep all evidence and go small claims if need be. Usually threatening this will be enough to get her to pay it back.

katicomps · 24/03/2022 17:54

Well she's not going to pay it back if you haven't asked for it.
One thing I learned from ringing customers about their arrears on business accounts is that you have to be firm, don't apologise about money they owe you (you have nothing to be sorry for) and keep it up.
Ring, ask, listen to them fob you off with something along the lines of "oh, yeah, I'll have it next week" … so you ring them "next week" At some point they think, bloody hell I need to sort that money cos she'll be ringing me on Friday.
And then that person also realises that you're not a mug and generally is a better payer in future.
If you're a doormat they'll wipe their feet freely!

Canyouanswermyquestion · 24/03/2022 17:56

I would tell her husband about it. It may prompt her to get it back to you

Walkingalot · 24/03/2022 18:02

For some people, there will never be a good time. So, write that message. A £1000 is a lot of money to kiss goodbye.

Butchyrestingface · 24/03/2022 18:02

I’ve never directly asked her for it back as she has said on a few occasions that she will pay it back and so I thought that would do it.

Obviously you're never getting it back but at least you don't appear to need it if you can't even gird your loins enough to actually ask for it.