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Original poster

Asking a friend back for the money I lent her

192 replies

Hazbot · 24/03/2022 16:47

I lent my friend £1000 last March to help with her debts that her husband didn’t know about. She was saying at the time that it was causing her great anxiety and stress and didn’t know how to pay it off as he wanted to buy a house soon.

She had already borrowed money from her husband’s friend and had a payment plan to pay that money back and so this was £1000 that her husband didn’t know about.

We never wrote a formal payment plan back and I did believe that she had every intention to pay it back.

Fast forward to august where we had a huge fall out because she thought I was flirting with her husband. We eventually made up where she apologised because she was extremely drunk but our relationship has never been the same since.

She’s mentioned a few times about paying it back but nothing ever materialises.

During all this, she has tried to move house, gone through 2 bouts of IVF and has her dad repeatedly in hospital so I know she’s going through it.

But I’m wondering how I can ask her if she has a payment plan for the £1000 I lent her and when the best time to ask her.

She’s currently going through ivf again and so I know it’s stressful for her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Onthetoadagain · 24/03/2022 18:03

Don't write off a grand! Not with proof she said she'd pay it back. Just send a friendly message saying you hope she's well but you're going to need the money back, would.she like to pay it all at once or with a monthly direct debit? Suggest a slightly higher amount and let her negotiate if need be but don't just write this off.

irishfarmer · 24/03/2022 18:03

Talk to her about it. You don't have to be a cow but don't be 'gentle' as pp said. Just forward, 'Hi Lisa, how are you? I really need that £1,000 I lent you on 24th March 2021. Can you transfer it today please?'

She obv won't transfer it today but if you lead with wanting it today she might do something about it. If you haven't outright asked for it back she might be hoping you forgot

FridaynightCry · 24/03/2022 18:03

Hi (Friend)

Can we start a monthly instalment for the money I lent you? I really need it back.

How does £200pm sound to you? Can you let me know if this works? Ideally I'd like it be be end of every month of that's ok.

Regards

(OP, ask for it back. Don't write it off)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 24/03/2022 18:03

I would ask for a clear repayment agreement. If that doesn't work (it wont) then ask her husband. She may well have lots of other debts he doesn't know about.

SarahBellam · 24/03/2022 18:04

Don’t write it off, that’s what she’s hoping for. I’d be very clear and specific.

Hey friend, the £1000 you owe me is still outstanding and I’ve been beyond patient. I need you to set up a payment plan as I need the money. Please set up a standing order for £100 a month for the next 10 months starting on 1st April unless you can return the money in full (which would be fantastic thanks!). If you can’t manage it I’ll see if I can get it from your DH. Regards, etc. etc.’ And don’t think twice about being rude or risking the friendship because that hasn’t bothered her for a second.

Onthetoadagain · 24/03/2022 18:04

I know it feels daunting. I had to do this with a friend and felt so awkward (much smaller amount). We sorted it, no problem. It's just not a conversation either side really wants to have so it gets avoided.

Moonshine160 · 24/03/2022 18:04

You may not get it back but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. I wouldn’t just write this one off, however you need to be very blunt with her. Tell her that it’s been a long time now and you need this money back and to come up with an arrangement NOW as to how it’s going to be repaid. Don’t be wishy washy about it, be very firm and upfront.

SarahBellam · 24/03/2022 18:05

(Obviously add your bank details)

KELLOGSspeck · 24/03/2022 18:07

Is your friend in a position to set a direct debit up of around £150? Per month.

You need to be clear OP don't ask actually state in your txt starting from Payday!!

I agree about the friendship... too... don't lend that type of money out again it's too much.

AffIt · 24/03/2022 18:08

Oooh, awkward.

I always say 'never loan that which you can't afford to gift' and, while I know that doesn't really help you now, I think you kind of have to accept you're not seeing that money again.

Question is is does it mean enough to you to maintain the friendship?

Bellyups · 24/03/2022 18:08

Don’t write it off…why on earth should she be given an easy ride?

I’d send what @SarahBellam said. And follow through.

SpringIntoChaos · 24/03/2022 18:09

@Hazbot

I do have evidence of the bank transfer and plenty of messages from her previously where she has said that she will pay it back. She’s also suggested a payment plan about june last year.

I’ve never directly asked her for it back as she has said on a few occasions that she will pay it back and so I thought that would do it.

I think lesson learnt really!

Why are you being so passive?? This really annoys me! Do you think a man would be so passive about asking for HIS money back?? No he bloody wouldn't!! Stop pussyfooting around and be direct! It's not mean or unkind to ask for something back that BELONGS TO YOU 🤦‍♀️

cushioncovers · 24/03/2022 18:09

Ask her outright see what she says. Don't ever lend her money again. Be very aware of your boundaries with her. If she doesn't pay you back tell her husband what she is doing. Then drop her and move on.

Embracelife · 24/03/2022 18:09

So she can go thru ivf with her dh knowledge
But not tell him about debt
You were daft to lend her money
It s gone

Gonnagetgoing · 24/03/2022 18:09

Either you ask her for the money back or you take her to small claims court for it. Latter you’d lose the friendship. How close friends are you? I’d do the former myself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2022 18:10

@Hazbot

I do have evidence of the bank transfer and plenty of messages from her previously where she has said that she will pay it back. She’s also suggested a payment plan about june last year.

I’ve never directly asked her for it back as she has said on a few occasions that she will pay it back and so I thought that would do it.

I think lesson learnt really!

Who the hell can afford to write off £1,000Shock?

@Hazbot you asked 'when is the best time to ask her'. I suspect that in your head, 'best' means 'best for her', least stressful for her. There will never be a time that she'll be happy to be prompted to repay her debt, so start thinking about when is best for YOU, and I'd suggest that the best time is now.

You have evidence that you lent her the money, so worst case scenario you can take her to the Small Claims Court. And if she starts trying to wriggle out of it, I'd tell her that that's what I will do.

As others have mentioned, you may well not be the only person she borrowed from, given she's borrowed in secret. And that's another lever I'd be willing to use.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/03/2022 18:11

After lending people money (getting it back) and clothes (not always) I now never lend anything. Apart from small items like water bottles to family!

notacooldad · 24/03/2022 18:12

Are you sure she didn't engineer the row in order not to have to pay you back?
That was my first thought as well!

Member869894 · 24/03/2022 18:12

Love how you're beig told to write it off. Contact her and ask for it back in instalments if necessary

DamnUserName21 · 24/03/2022 18:14

Ask her for it and be firm.
Give her a month--if nothing, small claims court.
Easy to file.

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money

Dogknowsbest · 24/03/2022 18:15

My dad's valuable lesson was "never lend more than you can afford to lose". However, I still went ahead and did it. I also learnt something else that day - people who are in debt don't usually change their ways. My ex-friend is still trying to "borrow" money from people.

DamnUserName21 · 24/03/2022 18:15

*Month to establish and start payment plan or pay in full.

RonSwansonsChair · 24/03/2022 18:16

Sorry OP I think you'll have to write it off.
Re the argument when you fell out, my first instinct is that she orchestrated that so you wouldn't ask her for the money back.
If you do want it back you'll have to ask directly, but be prepared for excuse after excuse after excuse.

Lurking9to5 · 24/03/2022 18:17

@Hoppinggreen

You arent getting that back and she didn’t think you were flirting with her husband either
Agree, trumped up row to try and get out of the guilt of not paying you back
toughenup · 24/03/2022 18:17

@Hoppinggreen

You arent getting that back and she didn’t think you were flirting with her husband either
This x1000